This Year's Model of Humanity

Yes, for the first time since August, 2005, I have updated my website with fanfic.

Friday, January 2nd, 2009:
Updated Fanvid Index. ( list of fanfic added )

Pavlov's Bell

Summary:
Fraser risks the fall, despite knowing just how much hitting the ground hurts.

(mpg file; 45.6 MB; zipped
also available as a smaller wmv file here (yousendit link)
if you'd like the link renewed, just comment and let me know)

Nobody knows
that's how I nearly fell.

You can also download the new version here.

Eeee! Inuit story! House told an honest-to-God Inuit story. I nearly died from the cute. An Inuit story! From someone not Fraser. The shock nearly killed me.

Inuit Story! How much do I adore House for using 'Inuit' instead of 'Eskimo'? So much. He uses the right word! Yay!

I may need a House icon.

Fraser and Angel actually have a lot in common. It's all about that knife-edge of control. Both of them are very alpha. Control freaks.

That's what Clark grows up to be. That's what Buffy learns to be. They have to keep themselves in check, always remember how strong they are in relation to the people around them. That other people are more physically fragile. It's a superpowered holding back control, which is slightly different than the control that Fraser and Angel types have, which is more the darkness-holding back control (though Fraser's darkness certainly isn't at the level of Angel's, he definitely has it).

I like the ones that constantly keep themselves in check. All that power and all that control - it's very hot.

And it's fun watching people walk that edge and seeing what can make them fall over. Well, not 'fun' so much as... fascinating, as Spock would say. Spock - one of our first fandom examples of this, actually. Stronger than human, deeply repressed, no wonder people found him intriguing. And his pairing with Kirk is also a familiar pattern - one who is repressed emotionally and the other who can provoke first to lose their control at times. A hug, some words a little too 'emotional', "have been and always shall be", the beginning of a new memory.

Buffy's an interesting case - at first, Buffy is the one who provokes (with Angel), while later, she is the one provoked (with Spike). As she grows older, we see her build that shell of control and protection around herself. And in Smallville, Clark is also 'becoming' before our eyes, as is Lex. It isn't always a pleasant process. Watching someone learn to put up more walls doesn't tend to be. Seeing the difference between Young Liam (Spin the Bottle) and the Liam is The Prodigal is such a sad thing. He's learned that trying to keep to his father's rules doesn't help him at all, and whereas in Wesley's case, Wes just kept trying to be evermore perfect (and this, I believe, would also apply to Fraser's case), Liam gave up, gave in, and let himself become what his father thought him to be.

I tend to think that Liam was an artist, even as a human - long years can give you knowledge and training, but they can't give you desire. I can't imagine Liam's father having much use for an artist type, though. Liam wanted to see the world, wanted to be somebody. He wanted the finest of things, wanted to take. But even as a demon, he didn't think that he could own. Darla certainly wouldn't stand for belonging to a creature that she'd made - made so that she could have the power in a relationship, so that she could be the one choosing a beautiful companion for once. Her own dear boy, as she'd been the 'dear one' to so many, including the vampire that sired her. No wonder Angelus thought it was amusing that Spike thought that his Sire was his.

There are moments that stay with me. In the Smallville vein, I can never forget Clark's Lex dream in Slumber. Without that, I might not have understood how deeply his terror ran about Lex discovering his secrets. In Angel, my mind flits back to Angelus, telling Darla that he planned to make Drusilla a vampire, and her expression. She tells him that "no one you keep up with you, not even me," and that's what I think about when I hear those words. He proposed something that she would have never considered. In Buffy, I will never forget what she said to Giles in The Gift - "I don't know how to live in the world if these are the choices. If everything just gets stripped away... I don't see the point."

Angel's experiencing that now. Everything just keeps getting stripped away. Now, he doesn't even have the surety of being chosen. He might not have believed in the Shanshu, but he never imagined that it could be about anyone but him. He knew that he was contested, that he was wanted, that the world would always fight to keep him. He can't stay near his loved ones. He can't confide in his friends. He can't do anything but his best and he isn't sure whether or not he's even on the right side. He's not sure what evil wants him to do. Any choice he makes could be the wrong one. Everything he touches, everything he loves, turns to ashes (sometimes literally, as in the case of Darla). And the worst parts are the parts that he did to himself. And he knows that, as surely as he knows that he'll never breach the gates of Heaven.

And the ones he loves are happiest without him in their lives. Now, we know that that isn't true (Buffy, for example), but I have no doubts that Angel believes it and that is what matters, especially this year.

Because this year is all about perceptions. Is Eve evil? Was Spike a ghost? Does being a monster change who you are, especially if your loved ones can't see a difference? What is hell? Everyone is something other than they are, especially the twisted momories crew. Appearances can be deceiving and just because someone seems to get along with people, doesn't mean he doesn't want to kill them for what they've done. Angel's standing in a graveyard in the middle of the night, and he's always wearing a mask. People can't always tell metal from flesh. And most obvious of all, sometimes the prophecy isn't the prophecy and the cup is too goldeny to truly be full of torment. And bruises aren't always real and the blood is just paint.

It's about what people believe to be true. Reality bends to desire. If you believe strongly enough and if your will is powerful enough, reality bends - at least it does in the Buffyverse. Buffy's done it many a time.

And what you feel to be true is what is true to you, regardless of the 'facts'. Buffy killed Angel, not because she physically killed him, but because she was willing to kill him.

Buffy closed a dimensional portal because she believed with everything inside her that the world wasn't worth saving if she couldn't save it this way.

Reality bends.

Again, too late to be posted in the challenge postings. The challenge was to have someone(s) watching someone(s) else. The other person(s) can or can't know he/she/they are being watched. And this would be my first due South fic ever. Exactly 100 words.

Black and Gold

I caught this morning morning's minion...

Though he might not have believed it anymore, she does have a moral compass. She knows right from wrong.

She just doesn't care. Not when it comes to passion or survival.

Or pride.

Before this moment, she'd have said that Ben would never forget her. She'd never considered any other possibility.

But there were candles in window and they weren't for her.

Victoria edged closer to the window, absently mouthing the familiar words.

Fall, gall themselves, and gash gold-vermillion.

There were candles in the window and Ben wasn't alone.

That had to be fixed.

Fraser passive-aggressively manipulates Vecchio all the time and I really don't get the vibe that Ray realizes that Fraser is playing dumb. There's a moment, after he's just done it, when they pass by Elaine and she compliments him on his performance and Fraser is just all hat-spinning happy. Ah-ha! It's Pizza and Promises.

Also, I was expecting more from the 'two axes' moment. Such a big deal is made out of it and I didn't see the big dealness. Hmm. I thought it would be... stronger, I guess is the word I'm looking for.

I did see Ray/Zuko in Juliet is Bleeding.

Irene's "Who are you dancing with, him or me?" reminded me of Darla's, "It's not me you want to fuck." to Lindsey.