Sex and Friendship

[butterfly]

This is applies to friend-based slash or het.

A sexual relationship doesn't have to cheapen a deep love-based friendship, but it can if you let the sex overwhelm the friendship.

The important thing to remember is that a sexual relationship doesn't replace friendship. It's about adding the sexual dimension to the already existing relationship. You keep all the layers that are already there, but add this new one.

I love the Buffy/Xander relationship as it's illustrated on the show. Why would I want to mess with a good thing? I don't, which is why I try to keep in mind all the history (good and bad) that they share. Now, how successful at it I am, only my readers can say, but I always try to keep them friends first.

People are complicated. Every single person is incredibly complicated and there is no way to catch all of that in the confines of a single story. All any of us can do is try. All we can do is to do our best to find moments and passages that we can capture and bring to life. Find moments of truth and clarity and passion. Find ourselves in the characters and find the characters in ourselves.

The reason that Buffy and Xander fall in love in my mind is because I love them both, and my mind can see to lighting the way for them to see in each other what I see in them.

That's what relationship-based writing is for me.

Comments

[katie-m.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you know, I've been thinking about that issue, and I think one of the problems writers sometimes run into when they bring two characters into a romantic relationship - and I'm not just talking fanfic here - is that instead of Character X and Character Y having a relationship, the actual character is the romance. The people involved are incidental; they're part of the romance, rather than the romance being part of their lives.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's a Romance instead two individual people falling in love. When I read, I want it to be about the characters.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

I really love reading your posts. You give me hope that there are good people in the world, people who look outward as well as inward, people who see the connections that I see.

*Hugs you very tightly*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

That's so sweet.

Looking inward is very easy to lose yourself in, that I know. But you can use even that in a tool to understand other people - that they can also get lost in their own fears. Ultimately, there is little in this world that cannot be beautiful, if you look at it the right way.

Trying again - last responce got bounced.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

Buffy/Xander isn't a couple I particularly look at in a "romantic" sense, but I agree with the sentiment regarding romance storylines in general.

For example - I cared about Buffy and Angel as a couple, not because of the Big Dramatic Romance stuff, but because there were a lot of moments where I could see them simply caring about each other and just being *people*. To me Buffy/Angel worked best in smaller scenes like like the "mirror" scene in "What's My Line" or in the "Playground" scene in Gingerbread, or their scene in "Ted" - when it's not about romance at all but just two characters relating to each other.

Which is what I prefer to see in a "romantic" story-arc in general, regardless of the characters involved. Also, I like to see that stuff in "non-romantic" scenes too. Because, people just getting shown to be characters is plenty interesting.

Re: Trying again - last responce got bounced.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah, most don't, but they're my favorite couple, so I sneak them in whenever I can.

But yeah, some of the best B/A moments where the ones where they were Buffy and Angel just being Buffy and Angel with each other (I love the dike conversation).

Re: Trying again - last responce got bounced.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

I get that.

Despite the fact that I read all manner of deep mythological stuff, I am pretty much a "guy" when it comes to the romance storylines. The "Big Drama" is great and all, but only if it sits atop a backdrop where they are characters first.

And those little moments are what you need to make big moments work. (Something I think the series lost track of in the latter seasons.) When Buffy gives Angel her throat in Graduation Day it works for me, not because it's some mythic act - but because she's sat next to him on her bedspread, looked into the mirror, and seen him not there - and she really does know that he's a Vampire who just might kill her. It works because they really are real to each other.

But it's also, IMHO, why Xander and Anya couldn't have been anything but a flawed couple to me before "Selfless" - because I'd never really believed that Anya was totally real to Xander until he'd seen her stained with blood in demon face. And "Selfless" also confirms that Xander hadn't been entirely "real" to Anya when they'd been preparing to marry. I don't know that they could have worked before then either, BTW.

Re: Real relationships

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Totally agree, yeah. You need the details. You need the why beyond "it is love". You need to earn the big moments.

And yeah, Xander never accepted that part of Anya before Selfless. And she never really saw him either - she choose him because he was convenient. She came to love him, but she wasn't really loving him most of the time.

I understand what you mean about friendship growing into love

[raveninthewind.livejournal.com]

I felt the same way about Willow & Tara. Falling in love with your best friend--I think that is a dream come true if it's mutual.

And that's why I think Stuart & Vince (of QAFUK) are made for each other, and why I am still a Brian/Michael shipper for U.S. Queer as Folk. It's why I like Xander/Oz fics...and with the right setup see Xander & Spike together.

It's why I like Jim/Blair slash; why I like Methos/Joe (although there isn't much of that to be found) as much as Duncan/Methos.

Re: I understand what you mean about friendship growing into love

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Friendship growing into love is one of my favorite plotlines ever.

I always feel bad for Anya in Hell's Bells when she says, "I get to marry my best friend." I kinda cringe for her, because there is no way in hell that Xander would have ever said that about her. He's said great things, and meant them, but Anya has never been his best friend.

(rassing-frassing pesky tags)

[raveninthewind.livejournal.com]

I always feel bad for Anya in Hell's Bells when she says, "I get to marry my best friend."

That made me sad, too, because I thought she was telling the truth, but that it wasn't mutual.

Re: (rassing-frassing pesky tags)

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

And I think she was - Xander had become her best friend (though, really, it isn't as though the poor girl had people lining up for the honor). And yeah, Anya was never Xander's best friend. Not for a single moment. It is sad.