Today was not a good day.

[butterfly]

I'm going to try to get back on track tomorrow. Answer comments, finish a project for a friend.

Today, though, wasn't a good day.

I have a little scratch on my shoulder. Looks like a cat did it.

It started with an accident. I accidentally cut my finger. Got a bandage from the manager and then didn't stop thinking about it.

So I took a box cutter and scratched a line across my shoulder. Then I thought about cutting the rest of the day. I'm thinking about it now. It's kinda funny that the accidental cut bled more than the intentional one.

I've just been feeling so restless and crazy and lost today.

I am so scared. I have classes next week. I want this to work so badly and I am so terrified that I'll fail again.

I've been saying these silly, crazy things to keep myself from crying -- "Don't think. Don't breathe. Don't think, don't breathe, you won't bleed." Low, so that no one would hear me, but I have been saying them out loud. Then when I got out to my car, I cried for about ten minutes before I could start the car.

No one at work seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary. Which is good. It is.

It's a good thing.

Comments

[therisingmoon.livejournal.com]

[hugs]

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

That's a pretty icon.

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

You don't know me, really, but I read your posts and mostly just think you're brilliant. I'm sorry to hear about your day, and I wanted you to know I'm listening.

[mekare-enra.livejournal.com]

I second that...*hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I was... hesitant about posting about this. In the end, I'm glad I did. First of all, posting about it did make me feel better, just on its own. And then, hearing from y'all... it really helps.

Thank you.

[rocalisa.livejournal.com]

Hugs.

I don't know what else to say, but wanted to say something.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks. It does help. A lot.

[theamyrlin.livejournal.com]

[Hugs] You need to hang in there. [Hugs again]

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks. I think... I'm going to do my best to. I've gotten much better at handling large groups of people over the past few months.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I know that it's silly to say don't worry about school because you're going to it any way, but if your posts about Angel are any indication of your great articulation in writing and ability to interpret beyond the surface, I'm sure that you're going to do great.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thank you. You're right -- I will worry, either way. But it helps. It helps a lot to hear words like that.

[livinglaurel.livejournal.com]

Aw, shoot, sweetie....((HUGS)) It's a good thing you wrote about it. It might not help to say you are a gifted person with a good soul who's a terrific writer, but I'll say it anyway.

I'm really sorry.

moi

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It did help to write about it. And even more to read all the responses on here. Thank you.

[inyron.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*

I wish you all the best, you know., In dealing with this, and with school. *more hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Thank you.

*hugs*

[ruedifference.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Thank you.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks.

[taelonmahal.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thank you.

[casapazzo.livejournal.com]

Everyone's allowed off (bad, restless, cranky, twitchy, listless, manic) days. You're OK.
*hugs you*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I've always had a hard time giving myself as many chances as I give other people. Thank you.

*hugs*

[aurianrose.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Thank you.

[tistur.livejournal.com]

People don't want to know. This is the conclusion I have come to.

I'll second the comments above, and send feel better vibes.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

No, I don't think they do. People like the world to be as simple as possible and for a lot of people, someone who intentionally hurts herself just... complicates the world.

Perhaps that's an uncharitable way to put it, but it feels honest.

And thank you, very much.

[fox1013.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight*

If you want to talk, I'm always here, okay?

*snuggles*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I know. It's just scarier to talk than it is to write. I've always been a better writer than talker.

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

I've just been feeling so restless and crazy and lost today.

That's how I've felt most of the year. Remember you're not alone, okay? I'll be here to listen to you.

*hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It is hard, when you feel down, to remember a) that other people have felt the same way and b) that it will pass. But remembering either of those -- or being reminded -- it always helps.

*hugs*

[thawrecka]

Oh, baby, I know how easy it is to get into that habit. It's difficult and painful and I know you're strong enough to get past this. You just have the right vibe.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

This spot of depression was centered around a day. One day. I used to have weeks of depression that bad. So that's a good sign. That it's so much shorter.

Thank you.

[jic]

*hugs*

When life is big and scary and out of control, it kind of helps to be absolutely in charge of something -- like cutting.

You can do it, honey. It's hard, and it takes balance, but you can do it. *hugs* You are loved, and you are not alone.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thank you.

How are your Sundays? I still have Sundays and Wednesday off, but I'll be having class on Wednesday mornings starting next week.

you are doing great

[bhadrasvapna.livejournal.com]

It's just a set back, you're still doing fine. There are lots of good things in what you said. You didn't make the cut that deep and even though you thought about it obsessively, you took real control and didn't act on them more than a tiny slip.

You are doing great and I am very proud of you. It might not feel like a good day and any day we cry like that feels like a horrible one, but you actually showed a lot of courage and strength.

You won't fail again. You are going to put one brain cell in front of the other and let people see the warm, wise, witty poster that I am glad decorates my friend page.

Re: you are doing great

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

And yeah. I mean, before, when I cut, it was always more. But even though... it didn't feel like enough, but I didn't buy anything or use anything and so I just have the one new scratch.

Thank you.

[obsidian-rai.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* I know how you feel, sweetie. If you ever want to talk to someone about it who has gone through it, im me or email me or whatever. *nods* I know from experience that talking to someone else who cuts can help. If not, *hugs more*, just know I care.

Rai

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thank you. It's always good to know that people care.

*hugs*

:: hugs ::

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

What does one say here-- I'm sorry? I'm with you? For I am; this feels so chillingly familiar...I don't cut, actually, but I scratch until there's blood under my fingernails (which were very, very, very short during Exam prep for this reason).

Of course, I'd tell you to relax, only I know very well that those moments are precisely the ones when you can't relax, when you're worried and stressed and out of your head in general.

But I know one thing: you're brilliant, insightful, and diligent; I have utter faith that you will not fail. You will be fine, a good student, and remain a great employee. Speaking of, is there someone at work you can relate to and talk about your troubles? Might ease some of the pressure, having someone who knows, who can support you a bit.

And never mind my ignorant and unsolicited advice; your words just made it impossible for me to just read on silently.

Yours,

Mona

Re: :: hugs ::

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you. That's really sweet.

It's gotten better now that I've gone to class a full week. Though I probably won't feel totally secure until I've gotten a grade on something (there an essay that was due today that I feel as though I did well on).

Thank you.

*hugs*