butterfly: (Faith)
[personal profile] butterfly
Stealing the idea of using a song lyric as my subject heading.

I recut over the newest mark. It's on my wrist, easily covered up by my watch. Like the first cuts I ever made, only length-wise this time.

You can only really bleed out if you cut length-wise you know.

Not that I'm seriously considering that.

I just. Wanted to mark down some of the thoughts that I had while I was cutting. So that I can think about whether they can be considered anywhere near rational.

"always cute. never pretty. can never ever be pretty. fat. overweight. useless in any case."

"wish I could cut off all my skin."

"be anyone else. just not me."

It's not about the pain. It's about the blood. Pain is... useless. It only reminds you that you're weak. Blood is real. Blood is proof. I'm not quite sure what of.

I imagine what would happen if I died, killed myself, whatever, sometimes. It always ends with everyone forgetting.

They always do in the end. They forget. You hurt and when they find out, they're nice for a little while and then they go back to ignoring you. They send you flowers and cards and then never bother to actually spend time with you. And maybe it's your fault.

In 8th grade, I invited ten girls to my birthday party. I rented movies, had a professional Mary Kay make-over party.

None of them ever invited me to their birthdays.

Is there something wrong with me? Something that makes me so easily forgotten?

If I killed myself, I wouldn't even be around to see the brief attention.

But it hurts so much. Even now, it hurts so much.

And I tried. I tried freshman year in high school. I tried so hard. I got good grades. I was on the volleyball team and in the choir and in the group at church. I tried so hard.

And a boy publically wrote nasty things about me. And I wasn't ever mean about it. Not even in my head. Not even after everyone forget about it and forgave him but kept ignoring me.

What did I do wrong? Why didn't people like me? If they had told me then, I would have changed for them. I would have done anything. It hurt so much to be ignored.

It hurts a hundred times less to cut my skin than it did to walk down the halls of that school, smiling and just wanting someone to notice that I was screaming inside.

I still don't understand. What's so wrong with me? Why?

It hurts. Sometimes it hits me again and I can barely breathe. Because I can't cry out loud. I can't make noise. I can't.

No can know. Because even worse than being ignored would have been everyone knowing how much it hurt me. So, hide in the bathroom and cry, but never be loud and never let anyone know about it.

I'm so tired of all of it. That's really the only reason I would ever consider killing myself. Just to make it stop. If only for a minute.

It still hurts so much.

(no subject)

Date: 2002-06-15 12:08 am (UTC)
jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
From: [personal profile] jic
Some of these are songs I've sung - I invited 11 girls to my 11th birthday slumber party, and none of them ever invited me back. I've been ignored. In middle school I became quite the whack job to get attention. It worked, but it wasn't really good attention.

And it hurts. Hell, yes.

I was lucky. Even though my peers put me through hell, my parents were always there for me. They never, ever put me down. So I grew up without the self-esteem issues a lot of people seem to have - especially non-Barbie women.

I had lots of advice-like things that sounded good in my head, but didn't look too constructive on the screen. So my one thought is this: If everything you see hurts you, look somewhere else.

Seriously, surround yourself with uplifting people. When someone makes you feel bad about yourself, cut them out of your life. Be ruthless about it. You can't afford to hear that shit when you are trying to build or rebuild self-esteem. If it's family, you can let them back into your life later, but your number one priority needs to be you. Don't let yourself believe that that is bad because selfish or self-centered. It's the way we are. It is always better to give to others out of generosity rather than guilt - but you can't do that unless you are comfortable with putting your needs first.

And always, always, always remember that you do have friends, and you are loved.

Re:

Date: 2002-06-15 12:49 am (UTC)
ext_1774: butterfly against blue background (Default)
From: [identity profile] butterfly.livejournal.com
Thank you.

*hugs*

And I have been trying to do that. It's hard. That's a large part of the reason that I stopped going to Twop. It made me feel like I was stupid for liking a show that they all said was obviously in the shitter.

But yes. Thank you.

And. Okay. I'm just going to say this. Okay.

Would you like to go to lunch sometime? Or a movie?

*Okay. Breathing. That wasn't so hard, right?*

Re:

Date: 2002-06-15 06:40 am (UTC)
jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
From: [personal profile] jic
Sure! It'll have to be a weekend, though. I got a job and now my easy-going schedule is shot to shit. ;)

Re:

Date: 2002-06-15 08:00 am (UTC)
ext_1774: butterfly against blue background (Default)
From: [identity profile] butterfly.livejournal.com
Eee! Okay. Yes. Weekend works.

I'm just so thrilled that I asked someone to do something with me and they said yes. I'll be on the ceiling for hours.

(no subject)

Date: 2002-06-15 07:13 am (UTC)
clauclauclaudia: (Default)
From: [personal profile] clauclauclaudia
I don't have easily-articulated reasons for why I fell away from TWoP, but I think a lot of it was the same as you. Not so much differing opinions about the show (though those certainly existed) but the air of negativity surrounding them. There's criticism and then there's doomsaying, y'know?

[livejournal.com profile] jic is wise. But I think you knew that.

I gather from your later entry that you're doing better now, but I figure hugs are always timely. *hug*

I'm tempted to respond to your initial entry point by point, but that doesn't seem terribly useful. Instead I'll say... my last girlfriend cut. And I couldn't do much but hold her and let her know she was loved, but I did. I hope you know you're loved. (Not in the sense that you hear the words, but in the sense that you feel it inside you.) It doesn't fix anything, but it makes it all more bearable.

And I was just thinking who are the most beautiful women I know, and two of the four of them are overweight--obese by medical charts, but they run footraces and shit, so I sort of think that's nonsensical. And they glow in the strength and capability of their own bodies, and I'd call them pretty except that it's such an understatement.

Just some thoughts... I hope they help. *hug*

Re:

Date: 2002-06-15 08:01 am (UTC)
ext_1774: butterfly against blue background (Default)
From: [identity profile] butterfly.livejournal.com
Thanks. And they do help. A lot. Thank you.

*hugs*

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