make the sound of laughter (and sharpened nails)

[butterfly]

Stealing the idea of using a song lyric as my subject heading.

I recut over the newest mark. It's on my wrist, easily covered up by my watch. Like the first cuts I ever made, only length-wise this time.

You can only really bleed out if you cut length-wise you know.

Not that I'm seriously considering that.

I just. Wanted to mark down some of the thoughts that I had while I was cutting. So that I can think about whether they can be considered anywhere near rational.

"always cute. never pretty. can never ever be pretty. fat. overweight. useless in any case."

"wish I could cut off all my skin."

"be anyone else. just not me."

It's not about the pain. It's about the blood. Pain is... useless. It only reminds you that you're weak. Blood is real. Blood is proof. I'm not quite sure what of.

I imagine what would happen if I died, killed myself, whatever, sometimes. It always ends with everyone forgetting.

They always do in the end. They forget. You hurt and when they find out, they're nice for a little while and then they go back to ignoring you. They send you flowers and cards and then never bother to actually spend time with you. And maybe it's your fault.

In 8th grade, I invited ten girls to my birthday party. I rented movies, had a professional Mary Kay make-over party.

None of them ever invited me to their birthdays.

Is there something wrong with me? Something that makes me so easily forgotten?

If I killed myself, I wouldn't even be around to see the brief attention.

But it hurts so much. Even now, it hurts so much.

And I tried. I tried freshman year in high school. I tried so hard. I got good grades. I was on the volleyball team and in the choir and in the group at church. I tried so hard.

And a boy publically wrote nasty things about me. And I wasn't ever mean about it. Not even in my head. Not even after everyone forget about it and forgave him but kept ignoring me.

What did I do wrong? Why didn't people like me? If they had told me then, I would have changed for them. I would have done anything. It hurt so much to be ignored.

It hurts a hundred times less to cut my skin than it did to walk down the halls of that school, smiling and just wanting someone to notice that I was screaming inside.

I still don't understand. What's so wrong with me? Why?

It hurts. Sometimes it hits me again and I can barely breathe. Because I can't cry out loud. I can't make noise. I can't.

No can know. Because even worse than being ignored would have been everyone knowing how much it hurt me. So, hide in the bathroom and cry, but never be loud and never let anyone know about it.

I'm so tired of all of it. That's really the only reason I would ever consider killing myself. Just to make it stop. If only for a minute.

It still hurts so much.

Comments

[saava.livejournal.com]

Oh god, Diana.

Hugs to the millionth power, sweetie.

I understand where you're coming from I think. About the being ignored and wondering what you did wrong thing, I mean. I've never done self injury, but I can understand why you would want to do that, too.

Just remember that there are *lots* of people who love you and care about you and won't forget you.

Kisses, and feel better.

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you. A lot. *hugs*

[fox1013.livejournal.com]

I love you.

I could never forget you. Ever. Not even if you tabula rasa-ed me.

*hugs*

I'm sorry you hurt so bad, sweetie.

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Thank you.

*hugs*

Wish you were here.

*hugs*

Thank you.

[fox1013.livejournal.com]

Hey, do you want my number?

Whenever, you can call me, okay? I'm here for you. You're one of my friends.

*hugs*

If there's anything I can do, let me know.

And, hey- can I integrate some of what you said into ST? Pretty powerful stuff.

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Yes. I think that I really would.

*hugs*

And you definitely can.

[savesthegirl.livejournal.com]

being where you are at the moment, i have.. nothing really useful to say. well, maybe that's not true. the one thing that helps me, the only thing that makes me feel better about this stuff is..

i know.

no matter what you think, you're not alone because i understand and other people understand. so many people understand, and you're not alone. it doesn't make you weird or crazy, and you'r enot the only one.

i know. i feel it too. and that's all i can offer you. *hugs*

well, that and a shoulder to cry on or an ear, if you need it. talking about this stuff doesn't bother or trigger me in the least, so feel free to give me a shout on AIM: pixieinterrupted.

<3

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thank you. And it does help. Because if smart and sweet people feel this way... maybe that means that I can be smart and sweet, too.

[jic]

Some of these are songs I've sung - I invited 11 girls to my 11th birthday slumber party, and none of them ever invited me back. I've been ignored. In middle school I became quite the whack job to get attention. It worked, but it wasn't really good attention.

And it hurts. Hell, yes.

I was lucky. Even though my peers put me through hell, my parents were always there for me. They never, ever put me down. So I grew up without the self-esteem issues a lot of people seem to have - especially non-Barbie women.

I had lots of advice-like things that sounded good in my head, but didn't look too constructive on the screen. So my one thought is this: If everything you see hurts you, look somewhere else.

Seriously, surround yourself with uplifting people. When someone makes you feel bad about yourself, cut them out of your life. Be ruthless about it. You can't afford to hear that shit when you are trying to build or rebuild self-esteem. If it's family, you can let them back into your life later, but your number one priority needs to be you. Don't let yourself believe that that is bad because selfish or self-centered. It's the way we are. It is always better to give to others out of generosity rather than guilt - but you can't do that unless you are comfortable with putting your needs first.

And always, always, always remember that you do have friends, and you are loved.

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

*hugs*

And I have been trying to do that. It's hard. That's a large part of the reason that I stopped going to Twop. It made me feel like I was stupid for liking a show that they all said was obviously in the shitter.

But yes. Thank you.

And. Okay. I'm just going to say this. Okay.

Would you like to go to lunch sometime? Or a movie?

*Okay. Breathing. That wasn't so hard, right?*

Re:

[jic]

Sure! It'll have to be a weekend, though. I got a job and now my easy-going schedule is shot to shit. ;)

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Eee! Okay. Yes. Weekend works.

I'm just so thrilled that I asked someone to do something with me and they said yes. I'll be on the ceiling for hours.

[clauclauclaudia]

I don't have easily-articulated reasons for why I fell away from TWoP, but I think a lot of it was the same as you. Not so much differing opinions about the show (though those certainly existed) but the air of negativity surrounding them. There's criticism and then there's doomsaying, y'know?

jic is wise. But I think you knew that.

I gather from your later entry that you're doing better now, but I figure hugs are always timely. *hug*

I'm tempted to respond to your initial entry point by point, but that doesn't seem terribly useful. Instead I'll say... my last girlfriend cut. And I couldn't do much but hold her and let her know she was loved, but I did. I hope you know you're loved. (Not in the sense that you hear the words, but in the sense that you feel it inside you.) It doesn't fix anything, but it makes it all more bearable.

And I was just thinking who are the most beautiful women I know, and two of the four of them are overweight--obese by medical charts, but they run footraces and shit, so I sort of think that's nonsensical. And they glow in the strength and capability of their own bodies, and I'd call them pretty except that it's such an understatement.

Just some thoughts... I hope they help. *hug*

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks. And they do help. A lot. Thank you.

*hugs*

Gives Diana Huge Hugs

[eternaltimtams.livejournal.com]

I like you. I think that you're an amazing person, and I wish I knew you better.
There are stupid people about. There will always be stupid people. And no matter how wonderful you are, not everybody is going to like you. There's no one on earth who is loved by everyone.

Re: Gives Diana Huge Hugs

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs*

[alicamel.livejournal.com]

*huge, huge, huge hugs*

Oh sweetie. You're a wonderful person and I wish I knew you better. I've been where you are, (still am in some ways.) I wish I could make it all better for you and I wish I could say that it's all going to get better.

But it can get better, it's not easy, and it will probably hurt alot more before it gets better.

Damn, I wish I could be there to give you a big hug in person. But I'll just have to settle for a virtual hug. *hug* If you ever want to talk, let me know. I'm all ears.

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

*hugs*

And thanks for being honest. Honest is good.

[rorylie.livejournal.com]

Hugs baby. I'm sorry you feel so bad. I wouldn't forget you.

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks, sweetie.

[therisingmoon.livejournal.com]

[hugs]

Sorry for commenting so late (time zone differences), but you still have a lot of people who care about you and love you.

Those people and so-called "friends" who've hurt you shouldn't deserve your attention and your friendship.

And I just feel that cutting yourself just isn't helping you get better.

We all care about you and want nothing bad to happen to you.

I've been bullied and picked on and made fun of since preschool until sixth grade because I was the only Chinese girl in my class and I liked different things than my peers did.

I had even gotten into a fight in sixth grade because some mean girls made degrading comments about me.

I've been depressed before and thought about suicide before but with the help of my family who love me very much and my true friends who care about me, I've pulled through and I know you can too.

Love ya and hope you'll feel better soon.

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks, sweetheart.

*hugs*

[coneyislandbaby]

I'd never forget you. I would never let a friend (and I very much think of you as one beyond LJ friends) go, and sometimes I've held on longer than I should have. But I would never forget you or ignore you. Ever.

I love you *hug*

Re: *hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you. A lot.

*sniffle*

*hugs*

[kittykatz.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I don't know you really well but I know what it's like to have bad days. We all self-destruct in our own way and only you know what you're going through. But I hope you will get through this and not lose hope.

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I agree that hope is very important. With feathers and the soul and all. Hee. Emily Dickinson has infested me.

[sugarhigh9104.livejournal.com]

::points up:: Everything everyone else has said, plus...when I joined this fandom I read your journal. Found it on Dacey's friends list, and in the very beginning, you and Dacey were the only two names I knew, would go back to, would read. I think you are beautiful and special and I could never, ever forget you because lj to me is synonymous with your name.

::hugs::

Ant

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Ee! Oh! Ee! Really? Oh!

*is flustered*

That's so very cool. Wow.