I didn't wear a costume today.

[butterfly]

Didn't feel well enough to go anywhere.

I hate being paranoid. I hate being afraid. I hate being depressed. I hate not being able to get over things. Meh. Maybe it's the coming of winter that's affecting me. I just really want to look at an email and not assume that it's bad news. That it'll be a rejection of some kind. How many good things does it take to wipe out one bad? Can you ever wipe out the bad with good? Probably not. It's just... I should not assume that getting an email from someone who has shown that they like me in the past is going to be a rejection of some kind. But, to get all melodramatic, the wounded animal cringes even from its owners.

Pain can make you forget that you can trust people. Perhaps that's why I identify so much with certain characters. Buffy. Xander. Joey from Dawson's Creek. Wesley. Angel. Connor.

They get hurt, they crawl into themselves. Put up walls and shells. That's what I do. And then explode. We should not forget the exploding that happens on occasion, when you bottle it all up too much.

*sigh*

Maybe it's the winter.

So, right now, I'm going to go through my vid collection and work out what I think are definitive Jossverse vids. I'll probably share this tomorrow.

I'll probably feel better then.

Comments

[theamyrlin.livejournal.com]

*hugs* *friendly smiles*

I can't wait to see what makes your list of Jossverse vids. Woo hoo!

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks. I just. I still can't handle it when people don't like me. I mean, I'm Miss Polite In An Argument. I want people to like me. I wish that I didn't want that so much.

And yeah, it's very interesting, looking through the vids I've seen. I'm really fond of vids that capture the essence of a character or situation.

[theamyrlin.livejournal.com]

> I still can't handle it when people don't like me.

I can completely relate. No one likes being disliked -- no normal person, really. In my psychology class, we learned about "The Looking Glass Self" -- which is basically the theory that people will base their opinions of themselves according to the reactions of others. Anyway, I have no idea why I am saying this, or I think I did, but then I got off track thoughtwise. I guess my point is that stuff like this is normal. It's normal to get upset if someone says something mean about you.

Anyway, I hope this helps: I think you are phenomenal. Well spoken. Well written. I admire your sincerity in your entries, and I enjoy you. *smiles*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Aw. Thanks. Very much. That's sweet of you.

*hugs*

[therisingmoon.livejournal.com]

[hugs hugs]

I get in this kind of mood a lot when the fall and winter seasons arrive. But then again, my mood swings like crazy throughout the whole year.

Videos? Please share. :)

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*%

[dosidella.livejournal.com]

You know, it seems like almost everyone's been in low spirits lately, and I think a lot of it has got to be seasonal.

Also, how much can I relate to that? I'm all insecurities and paranoia. My default is to assume that it's bad news. That it's a rejection. Honestly, I don't know if you ever fully get over that, but I do think it's possible to overcome it to some extent. With a lot of time and patience and people who genuinely care.

I wish I had some more insight here, but mostly I just wanted to say that I know the feeling. And I hope you feel better tomorrow. *hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

The worst part is that I was getting over it. But not enough, because a few pieces of bad news and I feel like I'm almost where I started. And that happened a while ago and I don't feel like I'm improving. But yeah. I'm not... I only really pretend that I'm open. Pretty much closed most of the time.

Thank you. Very much.

*hugs*

[dosidella.livejournal.com]

On the "Looking-Glass Self" theory discussed upthread, I think what's really key there is the idea that people base their self-worth on how they THINK others perceive them, and it's not necessarily realistic. And it's interesting the way that that comes through: in the past you've been hurt, and that leads to a negative self-image. And even after the external circumstance is gone, the negative self-image lingers. Because it can become this internalized part of you that is practically a character trait at that point. For instance, I tend to just take "people don't like me" as a given; it's fact. And despite evidence to contrary, I can't shake that belief.

And I know what you mean. With these sorts of things, you can make so much progress, and then one or two things happen, and it's like it cancels out everything that came before. You're back at square one, and half the time you have to wonder if it's even worth making the journey again. I wish I could say that everything'll be okay, but that would be trite and would trivialize the issue, which I don't want to do. So I will just give you some *hugs* and say that, for what it's worth, you seem like a genuinely amazing person to me.

And, er, sorry about the length of this comment, but I started babbling.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks. And it wasn't babble... or if it was, it was very insightful and dead-on babble. It makes a lot of sense.

*hugs*

[ruedifference.livejournal.com]

Wow. Except for the exploding bit*, I could have written this exact post. I wish there was more I could do besides *hugs*.



*I don't explode. I bottle everything up inside, and then? I get migraines and ulcers. Yup. Fun stuff.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Yeah, sometimes I bottle and get migraines (had one recently) and sometimes I explode. Haven't yet had an ulcer, but I'm only twenty, I have time.

*hugs*