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butterflyThe reason I wrote this post is actually because all the kerfluffling over what Joss said on the Angel season five commentaries (about Angel and Spike totally having fucked at points in their past -- I'm paraphrasing a bit, of course).
Just made me start to think about this radical notion of 'gay cred' as something that Joss might be trying to claim. As if the wider world would see it as an honor.
If you're new, you may not know that I'm queer. Bisexual, if we need to be specific.
And the idea that being gay has become at all acceptable... being treated like a toy in mainstream media is not acceptance, thank you.
I just recently watched Queer as Folk 2 and I can't help but identify with Stuart. I feel like a caged tiger some days, pacing around and around, wearing a hole in the floor. God, whenever I see one of those Measure 36 bumper stickers, with that oh, so clever, slogan, "One Man. One Woman." on it, slapped on a car, it makes me feel like a fucking second-class citizen. And that pisses me off a whole fucking lot.
I'm not Stuart but his words are sticking in my head. Months go, I told off one person for using 'gay' as an insult. Only time that it's come up in my presence. It's not enough, not when I read the news and...
How can people hate so much because of something so stupid? I don't understand.
I want to break things and the only thing that I end up breaking is myself. I just feel this inarticulate rage that I can't... I've even gotten mad at my mom, though I don't show it to her. But knowing that my mom, my liberal 'I have gay friends' mom, that she believes that I'm only playing with the idea of being bisexual because I 'feel sorry for them', it really just makes my heart twist in my chest.
Once, my dad got drunk and mentioned to his new wife's family that he doesn't know any gay people (I think I mentioned that on here). I've told him. But he never heard me. I've told him more than once and he just didn't listen.
Because it isn't trendy. It's used as a cheap trick on shows sometimes, as a 'shock tactic', but that doesn't make it popular. Not here, in the US. And even less so recently. So, yeah, I admire Joss Whedon a whole hell of a lot for Larry, for Willow and Tara, and for Angel. People think that he didn't go far enough?
Nothing I can do feels like enough. But what would be enough?
When a day comes that people look at other people and don't see skin or sex or sexuality, but just other people, then, it'll have been enough. And I look at the news, at those stupid immoral and unconstitutional measures, at all the homophobic bullshit that we're dealing with at the moment, and it's so hard to believe that that day will ever come.
Shylock's speech in The Merchant of Venice breaks my heart, because it's so easy for a detested minority to work up that kind of rage, that kind of hate. Where you feel so spit upon and hated that you would do anything to get your 'pound of flesh'. I can see myself there. I hate it, but I can.
I don't like being angry but I'm not going to hide, to pretend that I'm not attracted to women.
Most teen girls who watched Buffy identified with the character who wanted the cute and geeky boy. I identified with the one who wanted the hot blonde. Long before I had a clue that I liked women, it was there in my subconscious.
Over the past few years, I've been slowly growing into myself. My mom asked me, after I told her, how I could possibly know, when I hadn't kissed a girl. I just asked her how she'd known that she liked boys.
What I wanted to say then, but wasn't ready to, was that I know because I look at women and picture them naked, same as I do with guys. I actually can tell sexual attraction from 'aesthetic admiration'.
Bigotry may very well be my 'trump' issue, the thing that matters more than anything else. And right now, homophobia is being practiced as part of state policy. Bigotry is legal in Oregon because of Measure 36. Because marriage is sacred and if queers were allowed to get married, everyone would be fucking dogs next.
Mom said, after hearing how passionate I was about the election results, that she never expected me to become a political activist. And while I'm not -- I donate money to a few groups, it's not the same thing -- I think I'm headed that way. I'm caring more about doing something and less about consequences, as the time passes. It digs a little more deeply each time.
Before the election, I lived in a bit of a dream world. I wasn't aware of just how many people believed that my having a physical attraction to another woman magically made me a less worthy person. Now, I'm hyper aware and I can't shut it off.
I don't want to shut it off, to close my eyes. Because if I did, it would still be happening and I would be doing nothing to fight it.
Like Angel, I'd rather fight, even if it looks like it's not doing any good. Because taking a stand and showing them that you won't go quietly does mean something, even if there are impossible odds.
Even if you don't slay the dragon, it's better than not trying.
Just made me start to think about this radical notion of 'gay cred' as something that Joss might be trying to claim. As if the wider world would see it as an honor.
If you're new, you may not know that I'm queer. Bisexual, if we need to be specific.
And the idea that being gay has become at all acceptable... being treated like a toy in mainstream media is not acceptance, thank you.
I just recently watched Queer as Folk 2 and I can't help but identify with Stuart. I feel like a caged tiger some days, pacing around and around, wearing a hole in the floor. God, whenever I see one of those Measure 36 bumper stickers, with that oh, so clever, slogan, "One Man. One Woman." on it, slapped on a car, it makes me feel like a fucking second-class citizen. And that pisses me off a whole fucking lot.
I'm not Stuart but his words are sticking in my head. Months go, I told off one person for using 'gay' as an insult. Only time that it's come up in my presence. It's not enough, not when I read the news and...
How can people hate so much because of something so stupid? I don't understand.
I want to break things and the only thing that I end up breaking is myself. I just feel this inarticulate rage that I can't... I've even gotten mad at my mom, though I don't show it to her. But knowing that my mom, my liberal 'I have gay friends' mom, that she believes that I'm only playing with the idea of being bisexual because I 'feel sorry for them', it really just makes my heart twist in my chest.
Once, my dad got drunk and mentioned to his new wife's family that he doesn't know any gay people (I think I mentioned that on here). I've told him. But he never heard me. I've told him more than once and he just didn't listen.
Because it isn't trendy. It's used as a cheap trick on shows sometimes, as a 'shock tactic', but that doesn't make it popular. Not here, in the US. And even less so recently. So, yeah, I admire Joss Whedon a whole hell of a lot for Larry, for Willow and Tara, and for Angel. People think that he didn't go far enough?
Nothing I can do feels like enough. But what would be enough?
When a day comes that people look at other people and don't see skin or sex or sexuality, but just other people, then, it'll have been enough. And I look at the news, at those stupid immoral and unconstitutional measures, at all the homophobic bullshit that we're dealing with at the moment, and it's so hard to believe that that day will ever come.
Shylock's speech in The Merchant of Venice breaks my heart, because it's so easy for a detested minority to work up that kind of rage, that kind of hate. Where you feel so spit upon and hated that you would do anything to get your 'pound of flesh'. I can see myself there. I hate it, but I can.
I don't like being angry but I'm not going to hide, to pretend that I'm not attracted to women.
Most teen girls who watched Buffy identified with the character who wanted the cute and geeky boy. I identified with the one who wanted the hot blonde. Long before I had a clue that I liked women, it was there in my subconscious.
Over the past few years, I've been slowly growing into myself. My mom asked me, after I told her, how I could possibly know, when I hadn't kissed a girl. I just asked her how she'd known that she liked boys.
What I wanted to say then, but wasn't ready to, was that I know because I look at women and picture them naked, same as I do with guys. I actually can tell sexual attraction from 'aesthetic admiration'.
Bigotry may very well be my 'trump' issue, the thing that matters more than anything else. And right now, homophobia is being practiced as part of state policy. Bigotry is legal in Oregon because of Measure 36. Because marriage is sacred and if queers were allowed to get married, everyone would be fucking dogs next.
Mom said, after hearing how passionate I was about the election results, that she never expected me to become a political activist. And while I'm not -- I donate money to a few groups, it's not the same thing -- I think I'm headed that way. I'm caring more about doing something and less about consequences, as the time passes. It digs a little more deeply each time.
Before the election, I lived in a bit of a dream world. I wasn't aware of just how many people believed that my having a physical attraction to another woman magically made me a less worthy person. Now, I'm hyper aware and I can't shut it off.
I don't want to shut it off, to close my eyes. Because if I did, it would still be happening and I would be doing nothing to fight it.
Like Angel, I'd rather fight, even if it looks like it's not doing any good. Because taking a stand and showing them that you won't go quietly does mean something, even if there are impossible odds.
Even if you don't slay the dragon, it's better than not trying.
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-02-28 07:42 am (UTC)And it is frustrating. I'd like to find a group or something around where I am (which can't be so hard, since apparently Portland has largest concentration of lesbians in the US) but I just haven't found the time. I should be making the time for it.
But it is tough. Saying here on lj, where I know that people agree with me, is one thing. Anywhere else, it is a gamble to open your mouth and I'm only brave enough to take it some of the time.
Working on it, though.