Personal: It Rained Last Night
Dec. 20th, 2005 11:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
butterflyThe holidays are not always my favorite time of year. I do like exchanging gifts (few things are better than being the reason that someone is happy), and I love seeing my family that isn't around as much, but other things are... harder.
I miss my Aunt Leslie, who died the day after Christmas, back when I was a sophomore in HS. A hollow ache that doesn't get better. That I don't, in all honesty, ever want to get better. I loved her, I love her, and I don't want to forget how much.
When my head is clear and I'm not currently hurting inside, I remember these things. I remember that the depression makes me appreciate the sharpness of both pain and joy. I remember that missing her means that I remember full well how much I love her. I remember that moments pass and that everything shifts, in time.
Last night, I had a moment in time where I felt so horribly alone and unwanted. The holidays, my current situation, and the way things add up.
At work, we did a Secret Santa thing and we did a party thing, only last night, I was working. I'm not good at parties, at groups of people, and yet, being the person who is off on the side, actually working, and being the one person that they forget to ask to come over. It hurts, even though I don't have a particular attachment to this job or these people. It hurts.
It hurts, also, to create something I love fiercely and to feel that it is unloved. If I... I don't. I don't think that it's bad. I don't think that it's not as good as my second most recent vid. It just... I love Fraser and RayK. I loved making a vid for them. But I love Buffy/Xander on this entirely different level and there's a stupid, selfish part of me that wishes it could yank Pavlov's Bell off the Internet because people don't care about Beautiful Song. Which is illogical on top of being stupid and selfish.
And we can't (shouldn't) control our emotions, only the actions that we take on their account.
It feels that if I don't say this thing, despite how stupid I think it is, then it'll eat me up inside. Which does no one any good.
I miss my Aunt Leslie, who died the day after Christmas, back when I was a sophomore in HS. A hollow ache that doesn't get better. That I don't, in all honesty, ever want to get better. I loved her, I love her, and I don't want to forget how much.
When my head is clear and I'm not currently hurting inside, I remember these things. I remember that the depression makes me appreciate the sharpness of both pain and joy. I remember that missing her means that I remember full well how much I love her. I remember that moments pass and that everything shifts, in time.
Last night, I had a moment in time where I felt so horribly alone and unwanted. The holidays, my current situation, and the way things add up.
At work, we did a Secret Santa thing and we did a party thing, only last night, I was working. I'm not good at parties, at groups of people, and yet, being the person who is off on the side, actually working, and being the one person that they forget to ask to come over. It hurts, even though I don't have a particular attachment to this job or these people. It hurts.
It hurts, also, to create something I love fiercely and to feel that it is unloved. If I... I don't. I don't think that it's bad. I don't think that it's not as good as my second most recent vid. It just... I love Fraser and RayK. I loved making a vid for them. But I love Buffy/Xander on this entirely different level and there's a stupid, selfish part of me that wishes it could yank Pavlov's Bell off the Internet because people don't care about Beautiful Song. Which is illogical on top of being stupid and selfish.
And we can't (shouldn't) control our emotions, only the actions that we take on their account.
It feels that if I don't say this thing, despite how stupid I think it is, then it'll eat me up inside. Which does no one any good.
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-21 03:59 am (UTC)For me this time of year is much the same. I haven't had any close family die recently, that I know of, but that's precisely the thing. I wouldn't know. Huge family rift, a few years back. Now there's just me, my little sister and my parents. Christmas for me is about that. Just being with my close family and pushing everything else aside for a while. A moment of peace.
I'm very sorry for the loss of your aunt.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-22 10:41 pm (UTC)I do love my family a great deal, which is why it does hurt when they disappoint me (my aunt's death still aches partly because the car accident was her own fault and it took me so long to forgive her for that, to admit that I was mad at her for it). Family is really one of those very complicated things, because there's love and obligation and it often feels like there are fewer choices.
Thank you.