Personal: It Rained Last Night

[butterfly]

The holidays are not always my favorite time of year. I do like exchanging gifts (few things are better than being the reason that someone is happy), and I love seeing my family that isn't around as much, but other things are... harder.

I miss my Aunt Leslie, who died the day after Christmas, back when I was a sophomore in HS. A hollow ache that doesn't get better. That I don't, in all honesty, ever want to get better. I loved her, I love her, and I don't want to forget how much.

When my head is clear and I'm not currently hurting inside, I remember these things. I remember that the depression makes me appreciate the sharpness of both pain and joy. I remember that missing her means that I remember full well how much I love her. I remember that moments pass and that everything shifts, in time.

Last night, I had a moment in time where I felt so horribly alone and unwanted. The holidays, my current situation, and the way things add up.

At work, we did a Secret Santa thing and we did a party thing, only last night, I was working. I'm not good at parties, at groups of people, and yet, being the person who is off on the side, actually working, and being the one person that they forget to ask to come over. It hurts, even though I don't have a particular attachment to this job or these people. It hurts.

It hurts, also, to create something I love fiercely and to feel that it is unloved. If I... I don't. I don't think that it's bad. I don't think that it's not as good as my second most recent vid. It just... I love Fraser and RayK. I loved making a vid for them. But I love Buffy/Xander on this entirely different level and there's a stupid, selfish part of me that wishes it could yank Pavlov's Bell off the Internet because people don't care about Beautiful Song. Which is illogical on top of being stupid and selfish.

And we can't (shouldn't) control our emotions, only the actions that we take on their account.

It feels that if I don't say this thing, despite how stupid I think it is, then it'll eat me up inside. Which does no one any good.

Comments

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

One of the folks who don't get the love for that pairing...but certainly the love for you. ::hugs::

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hon.

It's not the vid thing so much as that with everything else. There's a number difference between loving a popular m/m pairing and loving an unconventional and less popular f/m and most of time, it is no big deal. Only if I am already down, which the work thing did.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I wanted to love Beautiful Song, but I couldn't dl it no matter what I tried; it always got two-thirds of the way through and stopped. Maybe there were other people who had the same problem?

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Really? That's good to know -- I will investigate the matter and let you know when the problem has been fixed.

[frelling-tralk.livejournal.com]

Did you link it in a vidding community?

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

I have this intense dislike of the idea of Putting Myself Forward. Which I know is silly, and yet I have a really hard idea pimping my stuff on communities. I feel like I'm being pushy (despite the fact that I don't at all think that other people are pushy for pimping their stuff). It's one of those irrational issues of mine that I'm working on.

[jic]

*hugs* Yeah, it fucking does hurt.

I'm not a person who generally feels things very strongly. Yeah, I have my moments, but part of the reason I enjoy your company so much is because you are like that so much more. I can appreciate your love of and joy in B/X even though I don't share it.

And because you're my friend, I wish those highs of love and joy didn't come with correspondingly extreme lows.

You'll be home for New Year's Eve, right?

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

When I'm not currently in a low, I actually appreciate those, too. They're part of the package, valleys as well as mountains.

But thank you.

[go-back-chief.livejournal.com]

Fan-videos, that's something that never even occurs to me to look for. Where do you post them?

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

They're available on lj here (http://www.livejournal.com/users/butterfly/tag/vid). I haven't gotten around to putting the links on my website yet.

So far, I've done two for BtVS, two for Angel, and one each for Dead Zone, Battlestar Galactica, Moulin Rouge, Dawson's Creek, Queer as Folk (UK), Firefly, and due South.

Perks Up...

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

You have a Buffy/Xander vid?? I'm currently limited in LJ time (cause of the rampaging addiction and all) but Buffy/Xander??

Re: Perks Up...

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

I do!

It's right here (http://www.livejournal.com/users/butterfly/1074223.html), if you wanted to see it.

[nemo-gravis.livejournal.com]

Sorry that you're feeling down. I'd try to think of amusing anecdotes to cheer you up but given the painful/sad/loving/happy family connotations this time has for you, it might seem disrespectful.

For me this time of year is much the same. I haven't had any close family die recently, that I know of, but that's precisely the thing. I wouldn't know. Huge family rift, a few years back. Now there's just me, my little sister and my parents. Christmas for me is about that. Just being with my close family and pushing everything else aside for a while. A moment of peace.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your aunt.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Peace can be a very wonderful feeling, one definitely worth reaching.

I do love my family a great deal, which is why it does hurt when they disappoint me (my aunt's death still aches partly because the car accident was her own fault and it took me so long to forgive her for that, to admit that I was mad at her for it). Family is really one of those very complicated things, because there's love and obligation and it often feels like there are fewer choices.

Thank you.

[imadra-blue.livejournal.com]

*many, many hugs* I can so, so emphasize with you on a lot of that. Irrational, but human. It's hard sometimes, especially around the holidays. I get bummed out, too, because there's so many things I want to do, but can't for various reasons. And the Christmas mob mentality eats me alive. But, you will eventually work through it. And the holidays will be over, and everything relatively back to normal. ♥

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

The holidays can definitely be nuts.

Thank you.

[lasultrix.livejournal.com]

The sound on my computer gets fixed Thursday, finally, after months of no sound! And then it's downloading time.

*hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thank you. And yay for getting your sound back. I had a period of no sound a couple of years back and it completely sucked.

[kispexi2.livejournal.com]

I think I understand. Have no words of useful advice. But I'm grateful to you for saying what you said, because actually it did *me* some good. I often feel that way myself. You made me feel a little less weird.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that I could do that. I always feel better when I know that I'm not alone.