Up until the shooting started, it was a real nice party (Kaylee; 'Shindig'; Firefly)

[butterfly]

So, I'm at my mom's for the night. I was over here last night, too, but last night, everything was fine.

Tonight, mom decided to have a bit more wine than she usually does when I visit her. I finally convinced her that bed was the best idea, mostly because I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her anymore tonight.

I hate that she's drinking again, that my dad is drinking again, too. I guess that it wasn't being married to each other that made them drink. I'd hoped...

I hate this so much. I hate... I can't stop crying and I hate that, too.

Your peer pressure isn't supposed to come from your mom. She's not supposed be to be the one saying that just one puff of pot wouldn't hurt. She's not.

She's not the one who's supposed to say that you should get high once, just to know what it's like. She's supposed to be the one telling you not to.

She probably won't even remember in the morning. Dad usually doesn't, either. They never...

She wondered, earlier, why on earth I could feel unsafe. Why I wouldn't feel safe in my mom's home, or in the place where I live. But when you can't trust your own. I can't. I don't trust my parents. I love them, but that's not the same thing.

I hate feeling this way.

In some ways, I think that this is at the root of my best friend kink in fic. Because, more than anything, I want to know someone that much, have someone know me, have... be able to trust someone. And I don't, I can't, because I'm so completely fucking terrified.

Because this feeling, this horrible, crushed, broken feeling... this is what love means to me in real life. This is what I know. That it hurts, that you can't rely on anything.

I really hate this feeling.

To quote Simon, also from Firefly:

It was my birthday.

Comments

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetie. I know exactly how you feel - you know my dad was an alcoholic, right? And even though my mother never drank like he did, I'd still get incredibly tense when she had a bit too much wine with dinner (never drugs though. I've never had to deal with that). It's so hard when the people you should trust scare you instead. And I never know what to do or say to make things better, but maybe just knowing that you're not alone will help?

You should have had the best birthday ever, because you deserve all good things in life. Always.

*hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

It's so hard when the people you should trust scare you instead.

Yeah, it really is. Thank you, honey. It really does help, not being alone.

*hugs*

Thank you.

[annaalamode.livejournal.com]

Aww, sweetie. Nothing I say could make you feel better but know that I am thinking of you.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[aukestrel.livejournal.com]

And I actually even remembered you had a birthday, I just forgot!

I am married to the adult child of an alcoholic and it's rough going sometimes. You have learned a lot more than he has already, which isn't much comfort now but actually will equip you for the "best friend" thing in your life.

{{{hugs}}}

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

It just seems like... even though I'm aware of what's holding me back, it's still really hard to try. Because trying is associated with pain.

[therisingmoon.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie.

Postscript to our conversation

[jic]

We also watched S.W.A.T. That was a good movie.

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

Don't know what to say, but I feel I want to say something - Ii think it's that, just because you can't trust your parents, doesn't mean you can't trust anyone.
I know parents are supposed to be the ones you can always rely on, but this isn't the case in so many instances, and I partly blame TV and other propaganda in the media for the unrealistic expectations people have of their parents. I grew up thinking everyone's mother was irrational and aggressive, and was surprised and resentful when I found out, at the age of about 8, that some mothers were nice!
Parents are just people, and some people are reliable and honest and will alwyas come through for you when you need them, and some are selectively reliable, and some are just no good. Your parents seem to fall in the second category. It sounds like at least you know when they are going to be unreliable - when they are drinking - I think you should just avoid them on those occasions, and tell them why, rationally and calmly if you can, maybe in a note? Once someone is drunk, just about anything can happen, so if you can't cope with them, the best thing is to stay out of their way at those times.
Next birthday, make it a condition that they don't drink while you are there - even if that is your "present".
So mean of them to spoil it for you.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you -- and my head knows that you're right, it does, but it has a really hard time convincing my heart.

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

I know comment notification is wonky, so I'll repeat a question - are you still where you were last Christmas?
And would you like some CDs as well as a card?

[ann1962]

{{hugs}}

I think that this is at the root of my best friend kink in fic. Because, more than anything, I want to know someone that much, have someone know me, have... be able to trust someone.

If I may... don't lose that wish. That is what makes you different than them. It will keep you afloat when those around you sink. You can see the goodness of what should be. I am really sorry that they can't see you and give you what you want and need. You deserve the good stuff. Don't let that go!!!!!

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

And yeah, I definitely don't ever want to do what my parents did and end up miserable for years. But it's really hard to know who to trust. And it's scary.

[blueswan9.livejournal.com]

**hugs**

Belated birthday wishes. You deserve better than that from your parents. You really do.

*hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thank you.

[sperrywink]

So sorry your birthday was a bust. Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt. Alcoholic parents just suck beyond the telling of it.

And I agree with aukestrel, you're doing better than you think you are just by recognising what are their problems and what are your problems as a result. You have the tools and self-reflection to cope with your problems (even though it may take time), and that can carry you through.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it definitely sucks.

Thank you. The thought of trying to connect with people is scary, but it does help to know why -- and I couldn't possibly cover how much having lj has helped.

[thalia-seawood.livejournal.com]

(((Hugs)))

And: Happy birthday! I wish I could make you some chocolate pudding. It always comforts me when I'm down.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you.

*hugs*

[minnow1212.livejournal.com]

:hugs: I'm sorry, hon.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

*hugs*

[fannishnonsense]

*hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Thank you.

[ros-fod.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I wish that I could come on over and build us a pup tent made of flannel sheets with little hearts and lemons on them. And then we'd spend the day inside there, where it's warm and we'd eat chocolate cream pie with our fingers and I'd plop some whip cream on your nose and then we'd tell each other Firefly fairytales.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you. That's so sweet and incredibly specific. It's a really adorable mental image.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

*hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

*hugs*

[brooding-soul.livejournal.com]

Oh D...I know nothing I'm going to say will make anything better, and I know we've kind fallen out of touch, but I am always here if you need to talk. Feel free to email me, comment on my journal, anything.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

I'm not all that good at talking about my problems -- I let them build up, occasionally do an emotional babble post, and then focus on the pretty (which, right now, is the cast of Rent). But thank you.