not so much seek to be loved
Jun. 17th, 2006 12:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
butterflyHad a bit of a bad day today. Well, I didn't so much have a bad day as I had a fairly inexplicable spell of depression.
Felt the urge to cut, like I haven't felt in a couple of months, at least. I didn't actually do anything, but I had a few minutes where I was digging my nails into my skin. Left a couple of very temporary marks, all gone now.
I'm not really sure why. I just... felt really lonely, I guess. Had a couple of people around me all day, but I felt so lonely.
I'm currently at my dad's. Cried on the way over here, which is stupid, but I do try to drive extra carefully if I'm crying. I just feel really adrift right now. The self-hate that I thought I had under control loomed large, and I couldn't stop crying the whole drive over.
Crying and singing myself the Prayer of St. Francis, over and over (the version of it that Sarah McLachlan sings at the end of Season Six of Buffy).
If you don't know it, it goes like this:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon,
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.
O divine master, grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it's in giving that we receive,
it's in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it's in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
The part that I always stumble over is 'to be loved as to love'. It's so hard, to try to desire to be loving rather than loved. Not always, but some days I just ache to be loved. To be loved in that way that I follow and chase all over fiction. The deepest friendship, coupled with passion. I want that so much.
Sometimes, it just hits me. How deeply I want that.
And how terrified I am of trying to reach for it, and failing. I don't handle rejection well. I have never handled rejection well. I would much rather pretend that I don't care all that much rather than risk finding out that I care more than someone else.
On a slightly different note -- wow, I hate my dad when he's had a few. He gets all huggy and mildly creepy. Says things that... I just don't think that 'lover' is an appropriate thing to call your daughter, you know? My mom gets emotional when she drinks, too. I can't understand wanting to be that out of control.
Probably part of the reason that I feel that way is because of how my parents act. My brother's the same as me -- we both avoid alcohol and cigarettes like the plague, and we both shut down emotional openness as quickly as possible.
He'll be sober in the morning. I still... haven't managed to tell him that I'm trying to become a vegetarian. Which means that I ate meat tonight for no better reason than not being able to talk to my dad. I've never been able to talk to my dad. I hate how small and young I feel around him, like a scared kid. Like when I was a kid, sitting on the stairs with my brother, listening to my parents scream at each other.
I want to be consoled, to be understood, to be loved. I want to believe that any of those things are really possible for me.
I want today to be over. Today wasn't any fun.
Sorry for that. Just... had a whole bunch of stuff inside tonight, I guess.
Felt the urge to cut, like I haven't felt in a couple of months, at least. I didn't actually do anything, but I had a few minutes where I was digging my nails into my skin. Left a couple of very temporary marks, all gone now.
I'm not really sure why. I just... felt really lonely, I guess. Had a couple of people around me all day, but I felt so lonely.
I'm currently at my dad's. Cried on the way over here, which is stupid, but I do try to drive extra carefully if I'm crying. I just feel really adrift right now. The self-hate that I thought I had under control loomed large, and I couldn't stop crying the whole drive over.
Crying and singing myself the Prayer of St. Francis, over and over (the version of it that Sarah McLachlan sings at the end of Season Six of Buffy).
If you don't know it, it goes like this:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon,
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.
O divine master, grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it's in giving that we receive,
it's in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it's in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
The part that I always stumble over is 'to be loved as to love'. It's so hard, to try to desire to be loving rather than loved. Not always, but some days I just ache to be loved. To be loved in that way that I follow and chase all over fiction. The deepest friendship, coupled with passion. I want that so much.
Sometimes, it just hits me. How deeply I want that.
And how terrified I am of trying to reach for it, and failing. I don't handle rejection well. I have never handled rejection well. I would much rather pretend that I don't care all that much rather than risk finding out that I care more than someone else.
On a slightly different note -- wow, I hate my dad when he's had a few. He gets all huggy and mildly creepy. Says things that... I just don't think that 'lover' is an appropriate thing to call your daughter, you know? My mom gets emotional when she drinks, too. I can't understand wanting to be that out of control.
Probably part of the reason that I feel that way is because of how my parents act. My brother's the same as me -- we both avoid alcohol and cigarettes like the plague, and we both shut down emotional openness as quickly as possible.
He'll be sober in the morning. I still... haven't managed to tell him that I'm trying to become a vegetarian. Which means that I ate meat tonight for no better reason than not being able to talk to my dad. I've never been able to talk to my dad. I hate how small and young I feel around him, like a scared kid. Like when I was a kid, sitting on the stairs with my brother, listening to my parents scream at each other.
I want to be consoled, to be understood, to be loved. I want to believe that any of those things are really possible for me.
I want today to be over. Today wasn't any fun.
Sorry for that. Just... had a whole bunch of stuff inside tonight, I guess.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 08:07 am (UTC)And how terrified I am of trying to reach for it, and failing. I don't handle rejection well. I have never handled rejection well. I would much rather pretend that I don't care all that much rather than risk finding out that I care more than someone else.
Yeah, me too. :-(
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:07 am (UTC)Thank you.
And, yeah, trying can be really scary, most of the time.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 09:13 am (UTC)I'm sorry you've had a bad day.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:07 am (UTC)Thank you. Today was quite a bit better.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 10:15 am (UTC)And yes, that is a very inappropriate thing to say to your daughter. No wonder you feel creeped out and unsafe around your dad. Your reaction is not crazy.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 11:34 am (UTC)*Hugs you*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:18 am (UTC)Thank you, sweetie.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:17 am (UTC)Thank you.
And yes, that is a very inappropriate thing to say to your daughter. No wonder you feel creeped out and unsafe around your dad. Your reaction is not crazy.
I know that, but then I wonder, why does he say it? Doesn't he get that it's weird? How could he not? And I don't want to, you know, make a fuss. He only gets like that when he's drunk. I shouldn't have gone over that night. I should have waited until this morning, and he wouldn't've been. Because I really love my dad, I do. I just hate the way he acts when he's drunk.
*sigh*
That's making excuses, isn't it? Being brave is so much harder than it looks on television.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:22 am (UTC)Of course you love him, he's your father. But that doesn't mean he's not sick, and in need of the kind of help you can't give him. It's important to take care of yourself, because he can't do that for you in the state he's in either, and because YOU deserve it. If that means staying the hell away, then stay the hell away. Your safety and sanity come first.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:46 am (UTC)I don't know that it does, though. I just don't know. I love him. I wouldn't want to never see him again.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:50 am (UTC)It doesn't mean you never see him again, sweetheart. It means you put yourself first. "I can't be around you when you're drunk, I feel unsafe" is perfectly reasonable. Seriously.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 05:45 am (UTC)I tell him anything he doesn't want to hear and it's basically white noise to him. It irritates him while he's hearing it and then he forgets all about it.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 05:50 am (UTC)Which is why you have to protect yourself. Avoiding him when he's drunk is a good plan. It's sad that it has to be that way. I know it's hard to do. But you really do deserve to feel safe. Everyone does.
You really are loved too. Hold onto that.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 06:44 am (UTC)It kinda runs in the family. My aunt and uncle met at an AA meeting. Of course, my dad and my mom have never gone to any. Have to be able to admit you have a problem with it first.
Which is why you have to protect yourself. Avoiding him when he's drunk is a good plan. It's sad that it has to be that way. I know it's hard to do. But you really do deserve to feel safe. Everyone does.
I'm just not sure when I'll know if I am safe. I'm not sure I know how to get to a place where I can feel that way. A while back, the last time that I saw my mom really drunk, and I looked up an Al-Anon group that meets near where I live, but I never managed to get there. It's... easier to admit things like this on-line, where I wait for a couple of minutes before looking at replies and work myself up to being able to read them. You can't do that in person.
You really are loved too. Hold onto that.
I'll try. That part's hard, too.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 06:51 am (UTC)You just - shouldn't do it alone, you know? The AlAnon thing is a great idea. The whole organization is a fantastic bunch of people, all of whom know exactly what you're going through. No judgement, no bullshit. Just lots of love and support. It's a good step one to ask for it online. Practice asking for it offline too, yea? Baby steps. You can do it. Baby steps.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 07:01 am (UTC)Baby steps are good. Easier than adult-sized ones.
Do steps come in any sizes smaller than baby?
Seriously, though, thank you for being so... supportive and you. I really... I really do appreciate and, well, you already know that you're loved, but. Yes. You are.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 07:04 am (UTC)Thank you for letting me know.
Smaller than baby steps- uh...crawling. Crawling toward sanity is acceptable. *nods*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 07:58 am (UTC)Hee. Not in the least. Any more supportive, you'd be a bra.
Thank you for letting me know.
Smaller than baby steps- uh...crawling. Crawling toward sanity is acceptable. *nods*
Okay, I can maybe do crawling. Or, failing that, perhaps I could inch.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 08:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 11:30 am (UTC)To be loved in that way that I follow and chase all over fiction.
This struck me, I just wanted to tell you. {{big hugs}}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:19 am (UTC)Much healthier than my previous coping mechanism. And it helped a lot. I felt much better this morning.
To be loved in that way that I follow and chase all over fiction.
This struck me, I just wanted to tell you. {{big hugs}}
*hugs back*
Thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 12:55 pm (UTC)I hope today is a better day for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:20 am (UTC)Thank you so much. It really has been. Today was a pretty good day.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 02:13 pm (UTC)You know my baggage and my hang-ups and many of my never-will-agains - but in spite of how fucked up I am, your sadness makes me sad and your happiness makes me giddy, and knowing you has started me growing in better directions. I don't know what to call that if it isn't love. But I'm afraid of somehow offering something that wouldn't be there when you reached for it - not out of rejection but because of my damage.
The Prayer of St. Francis... speaks to the selfish part of us, chiding. You don't deserve to have that criticism on your heart. You, like everyone, have a right to be loved, understood, consoled. I wish I knew what to say when I see you hurting.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:38 am (UTC)Even now, as I'm staying here, I'm thinking all the time about what I'm going to have to do when I have to leave. And I get all confused and lost when you make plans for the future that involve me, because the future is this huge scary place of people not being there. When I think about the future, I'm always alone. Not because I want to be alone, but because I can't see any chance of someone being there.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 11:06 pm (UTC)I prefer commitment to uncertainty, but I can't offer everything you seek, and I can't ask you to commit to a relationship missing something vital to you. Much as I want to. Maybe it's like sharing deoderant.
What's ridiculous is that it's taken me over four hours to come up with this and my post, and it still doesn't say what I want.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-19 07:32 am (UTC)I call myself bisexual because I'm attracted to an incredibly wide range of people. The pool of people that I would actually consider having sex with is... I think it's actually a dry pool, considering my issues with trust. It's like drinking. I can't quite actually imagine myself being that vulnerable.
I told you once that... for me, in fiction, the sex is often a metaphor. It means intimacy and connection. It's a way to make an ambiguous relationship clear -- a way to say that 'yes, this is a romantic partnership'.
Jo, I do love you. And I am attracted to you, but no more than I'm attracted to... let me just put it this way: I think my cousin Alex is hot. The range of people that I find attractive is incredibly broad. The range of people that I trust is a lot smaller. The range of people that I'm happy to sit across a room with, both of us doing completely our own thing, but it's comfortable just knowing the person is there -- that range is pretty much you.
So, there's this. If you went somewhere, and you wanted me to go with you, I would say yes. There's nothing in particular that's keeping me in this place. I've no home but my heart and my mind, and I can take those with me.
Sex is just a metaphor for connection. It's a symbol. It's a shortcut. The connection itself is the important part.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-19 01:55 pm (UTC)What I guess that means is, I've felt the 'romantic' bit for a while now. It's hard to pinpoint, especially without that shortcut metaphor everyone else uses. But that leaves in question the partnership bit, because that implies not only mutuality (which I'm going to declare that you just cleared up) but also a host of other life trials to be met together as a team. And I don't know how to ask for that when I'm gun-shy (though slowly getting a little less so) about even asking about housework or non-food groceries.
This doesn't feel complete, but I better get dressed before I'm late for work.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-19 07:32 pm (UTC)Which reminds me: Wish List (http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/ref=yourlists_pop_1/002-8149261-6571255), which contains over a hundred things that I do not have that I have thought about purchasing, ranging in price from six dollars to... rather more than six dollars. Also, things I am bound to find interesting include nearly anything that says 'metaphysics' on it, and things that relate philosophical concepts to modern life (especially pop art). Even if I end up disagreeing with said books, I generally enjoy reading them.
Jewelry and make-up aren't the best things to get -- I like both of them, but, as you may have noticed, I barely ever wear any of either.
Informational sourcebooks -- like the character-naming book -- I find those very interesting. Commentaries on Shakespeare's work interest me. And, as you have noted, I do find books with 'controversial' titles intriguing.
What I guess that means is, I've felt the 'romantic' bit for a while now. It's hard to pinpoint, especially without that shortcut metaphor everyone else uses.
True, and yet... we (in the sense of fandom in general) simplify things in fanfiction, right? Add sex to a relationship, often in an attempt to classify the relationship. But the original model of the friendship, the friendship that people think is so complicated and special that it has to be romantic in some way, that's still up there on the screen. Kirk/Spock -- so complicated they needed their own word.
Ah, from the novelization of TMP (written by Roddenberry):
"Jim! Goodbye, my...my t'hy'la*. This is the last time I will permit myself to think of you or even your name again."
*Editor's note - The human concept of friend is most nearly duplicated in Vulcan thought by the term "t'hy'la", which can also mean "brother" and "lover". Spock's recollection (from which this chapter is drawn) is that it was a most difficult moment for him since he did indeed consider Kirk to have become his brother. However, because "t'hy'la" can be used to mean "lover" and since Kirk's and Spock's friendship was unusually close, this has led to some speculation over whether or not they had actually indeed become lovers. At our request, Admiral Kirk supplied the following comments on this subject:
"I was never aware of this 'lovers' rumor, although I have been told that Spock encountered it several times. Apparently, he had always dismissed it with his characteristic lifting of his right eyebrow, which usually connoted some combination of surprise, disbelief, and/or annoyance. As for myself... I have always found my best gratification in that creature called woman. Also, I would not like to be thought of as being so foolish that I would select a love partner who came into sexual heat only once every seven years."
Roddenberry had some faults, but he could be pretty cool, too.
Because, yeah, I think that couples sex sounds like fun, but anything where one of the people involved is miserable (or will end up miserable) isn't fun at all.
But that leaves in question the partnership bit, because that implies not only mutuality (which I'm going to declare that you just cleared up) but also a host of other life trials to be met together as a team. And I don't know how to ask for that when I'm gun-shy (though slowly getting a little less so) about even asking about housework or non-food groceries.
Seriously, you should ask. I suck at figuring out what might need to be bought or done, but I'm happy to do stuff once I know about it.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-19 11:55 pm (UTC)As for asking, I'll probably slip it in with the New World Order I'll be introducing to the boys soon. Because, dude, ants.
Hey, some of the broccoli is blooming. You should see if it's ready to eat.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-19 09:44 am (UTC)This should have a dude. The sentence lacks dude-age. So, pretend that it says, "Let me just put it this way: Dude, I think my cousin Alex is hot."
Okay, I like that better. Not sure why.
Also, I'm sorry about the bowl.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-19 01:39 pm (UTC)Bowl? *wanders out to kitchen*
Ah.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-20 11:04 am (UTC)Thanks muchly, either way (your comments were of great help last night!).
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 02:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:20 am (UTC)Thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 03:01 pm (UTC)>I've never been able to talk to my dad. I hate how small and young I feel around him, like a scared kid.<
As Kita said, your dad's behavior is inappropriate. I think the lack of safety you feel is natural.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:23 am (UTC)Thank you. It has been a lot better than yesterday.
As Kita said, your dad's behavior is inappropriate. I think the lack of safety you feel is natural.
I'm sure my parents are a large part of why I generally never do feel safe. The only person in my life who ever really made me feel that way was my aunt Leslie, who died when I was a sophomore in high school. So... it's been a while.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 04:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:23 am (UTC)Thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 06:41 pm (UTC)I was thinking about what the central motivation for Angel is. he is constantly trying to live up to what Buffy say in him in "Angel" that kept her from kiling him. Others have seen the same thing, but it all really goes back to Buffy, not even Whistler. That was missing from Season 5, other than a very brief appearance from Cordy.
That's the whole thing that makes Angel really ressonnate with me. There's that monster we all see ourselves as vs what others see in us that makes them want to hang around us. I'm working on the whole seeing the other stuff and not the monster. Some days it is easier than others.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:24 am (UTC)Yes. That's really what it is all about, I think. Thank you. That helps. And, yes, some days it's a lot easier.
And I hope that you get the right pills soon.
*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 08:17 pm (UTC)Also, yeah, that is inappropriate of your dad.
But just, yeah, I get the lonely thing.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:27 am (UTC)*hugs back*
Thank you for understanding (sorry that you feel that way, too. it sucks). Even on my best days, I'm not at a place where I can actually believe that I am... worthy or worthy it, but I'm trying to get there.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-17 10:37 pm (UTC)The second one is probably the hardest to achieve.
I blame your parents, and I'd stay away from them if I were you.
It's not your responsibility to help them get on and be happy - they should have been doing that for you.
You will be and are loved.
Don't feel bad about the "lapse" in your vegetarianism.
It's not your fault - just go on with it when things are more favourable.
Poor parenting makes me cross.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 04:28 am (UTC)It's hard to... I love my parents. I love my parents so much. But I'm not always comfortable around them, and I don't always trust them. It's hard.