not so much seek to be loved

[butterfly]

Had a bit of a bad day today. Well, I didn't so much have a bad day as I had a fairly inexplicable spell of depression.

Felt the urge to cut, like I haven't felt in a couple of months, at least. I didn't actually do anything, but I had a few minutes where I was digging my nails into my skin. Left a couple of very temporary marks, all gone now.

I'm not really sure why. I just... felt really lonely, I guess. Had a couple of people around me all day, but I felt so lonely.

I'm currently at my dad's. Cried on the way over here, which is stupid, but I do try to drive extra carefully if I'm crying. I just feel really adrift right now. The self-hate that I thought I had under control loomed large, and I couldn't stop crying the whole drive over.

Crying and singing myself the Prayer of St. Francis, over and over (the version of it that Sarah McLachlan sings at the end of Season Six of Buffy).

If you don't know it, it goes like this:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon,
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master, grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it's in giving that we receive,
it's in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it's in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

The part that I always stumble over is 'to be loved as to love'. It's so hard, to try to desire to be loving rather than loved. Not always, but some days I just ache to be loved. To be loved in that way that I follow and chase all over fiction. The deepest friendship, coupled with passion. I want that so much.

Sometimes, it just hits me. How deeply I want that.

And how terrified I am of trying to reach for it, and failing. I don't handle rejection well. I have never handled rejection well. I would much rather pretend that I don't care all that much rather than risk finding out that I care more than someone else.

On a slightly different note -- wow, I hate my dad when he's had a few. He gets all huggy and mildly creepy. Says things that... I just don't think that 'lover' is an appropriate thing to call your daughter, you know? My mom gets emotional when she drinks, too. I can't understand wanting to be that out of control.

Probably part of the reason that I feel that way is because of how my parents act. My brother's the same as me -- we both avoid alcohol and cigarettes like the plague, and we both shut down emotional openness as quickly as possible.

He'll be sober in the morning. I still... haven't managed to tell him that I'm trying to become a vegetarian. Which means that I ate meat tonight for no better reason than not being able to talk to my dad. I've never been able to talk to my dad. I hate how small and young I feel around him, like a scared kid. Like when I was a kid, sitting on the stairs with my brother, listening to my parents scream at each other.

I want to be consoled, to be understood, to be loved. I want to believe that any of those things are really possible for me.

I want today to be over. Today wasn't any fun.

Sorry for that. Just... had a whole bunch of stuff inside tonight, I guess.

Comments

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Thank you.