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butterflyA while ago, I said that I wanted to rewrite some of my older Buffy stuff.
Something Broken
Frozen, they stared at each other in silence. Buffy's mouth opened, then quickly closed as she glanced away from the man in front of her. His face was blank, and she had no idea what he was thinking.
She wasn't sure that she wanted to know. Not now, not after what he'd just seen.
Why was it always Xander who saw her like this? And that was a silly thought, since Xander had never seen her like this, but her embarrassment and fear were too strong for her to think about that.
"Well, hello there, Shaggy. What're you doing here?" Buffy flinched away from Spike's voice, sliding off of the tomb hurriedly. She couldn't meet Xander's eyes again, still silenced by the shock that she had seen. She was just grateful that she still had her pants and bra on, that they hadn't gotten too far before being interrupted.
Her head snapped around to look at Xander when he spoke.
"Get out, Spike." His voice was calm, but she saw his hand tighten around the stake he was carrying. He must have been patrolling, she thought dimly, as she tried to pull her gaze from his face.
"We were here first."
"Get the hell out, Spike." Buffy was surprised to hear herself speak. She couldn’t stop looking at Xander, who was looking past her to Spike. She closed her eyes, feeling a shudder go through her body. When she opened them, she forced herself to turn to Spike, to look directly into his eyes. His gaze searched hers desperately, searching for something, she didn't know what. His lips tightened, perhaps in pain, but she didn't really care enough to think about it any more. Not right now.
"All right, love. I'll see you later." But his voice was a touch shaky and she knew that he wasn't that sure of 'his power over her'. She bit her lip, waiting for him to leave but not quite ready for that buffer to be gone just yet.
There was another moment of silence after Spike left, Buffy still too shaken to speak.
After a while, Buffy pulled in a quavering breath that echoed in the still air of the crypt. "I.. I didn't... didn't mean..." Her voice broke, the words turning into something close to a sob.
She turned away, tried to breathe normally, tried to calm herself. Why did it have to be him? Of course he would hate her for this. He would never forgive her and… What if he never forgave her?
She heard a soft sigh and turned to Xander. His face seemed softer now that Spike.
"Why aren't you yelling at me?" Her voice was laced with uncertainty.
"Because that's what I do when I think that you've screwed up." He was almost really smiling now. "I'm not 16 anymore, Buff. I've grown up."
"But what I've been doing... how can you not hate me?" She tilted her head. "I've been fucking Spike. I've been..."
Now he did smile, though faintly. He was directly in front of her and he reached out to brush some of her hair out of her face.
"And that's all it was? Not love?"
"I could never love Spike. Xander, he's a monster."
"Then why sleep with him?" And Xander's voice was gentle and understanding and that was new. Did loving Anya do this to him, she wondered, as she felt her eyes well up with tears again.
"I just... felt so... lost."
"And we were the ones who'd brought you back. You couldn't turn to us." Buffy nodded, blinking as the tears started to fall.
"I wanted to... I felt so dead. And then he told me..." She trailed off, not wanting to share that, afraid that even now, it would make him turn from her. "Why are you so nice about this?"
"Hey, I'm marrying an ex-demon." Now his voice did have a touch of condemnation, but towards himself.
"You love her."
"I owe her."
"What?" Buffy shook her head, confused again.
"I'm the reason she's human. And I owe her this for what I did to Cordy." His voice softened even further. "I did love her. Just not as much as she deserved. And I do love Anya. But I'm not in love with her. I like having sex with her. I think she's pretty. I like her. A lot. But I'm not in love with her."
He frowned and glanced away before continuing. "I hope she never knows that."
"I'm sorry." Buffy's voice was almost a whisper.
"You know, then?"
She looked into his eyes, lifting her hand to brush along his jawline.
"Always." She took a deep breath. "You matter too much... You... everyone that I love gets destroyed. I never wanted to do that... Not to you."
They stared into each other's eyes, unable to find any more words.
And the silence surrounded them again.
I may get it beta'd and then rewrite it again. Will consider.
Something Broken
Frozen, they stared at each other in silence. Buffy's mouth opened, then quickly closed as she glanced away from the man in front of her. His face was blank, and she had no idea what he was thinking.
She wasn't sure that she wanted to know. Not now, not after what he'd just seen.
Why was it always Xander who saw her like this? And that was a silly thought, since Xander had never seen her like this, but her embarrassment and fear were too strong for her to think about that.
"Well, hello there, Shaggy. What're you doing here?" Buffy flinched away from Spike's voice, sliding off of the tomb hurriedly. She couldn't meet Xander's eyes again, still silenced by the shock that she had seen. She was just grateful that she still had her pants and bra on, that they hadn't gotten too far before being interrupted.
Her head snapped around to look at Xander when he spoke.
"Get out, Spike." His voice was calm, but she saw his hand tighten around the stake he was carrying. He must have been patrolling, she thought dimly, as she tried to pull her gaze from his face.
"We were here first."
"Get the hell out, Spike." Buffy was surprised to hear herself speak. She couldn’t stop looking at Xander, who was looking past her to Spike. She closed her eyes, feeling a shudder go through her body. When she opened them, she forced herself to turn to Spike, to look directly into his eyes. His gaze searched hers desperately, searching for something, she didn't know what. His lips tightened, perhaps in pain, but she didn't really care enough to think about it any more. Not right now.
"All right, love. I'll see you later." But his voice was a touch shaky and she knew that he wasn't that sure of 'his power over her'. She bit her lip, waiting for him to leave but not quite ready for that buffer to be gone just yet.
There was another moment of silence after Spike left, Buffy still too shaken to speak.
After a while, Buffy pulled in a quavering breath that echoed in the still air of the crypt. "I.. I didn't... didn't mean..." Her voice broke, the words turning into something close to a sob.
She turned away, tried to breathe normally, tried to calm herself. Why did it have to be him? Of course he would hate her for this. He would never forgive her and… What if he never forgave her?
She heard a soft sigh and turned to Xander. His face seemed softer now that Spike.
"Why aren't you yelling at me?" Her voice was laced with uncertainty.
"Because that's what I do when I think that you've screwed up." He was almost really smiling now. "I'm not 16 anymore, Buff. I've grown up."
"But what I've been doing... how can you not hate me?" She tilted her head. "I've been fucking Spike. I've been..."
Now he did smile, though faintly. He was directly in front of her and he reached out to brush some of her hair out of her face.
"And that's all it was? Not love?"
"I could never love Spike. Xander, he's a monster."
"Then why sleep with him?" And Xander's voice was gentle and understanding and that was new. Did loving Anya do this to him, she wondered, as she felt her eyes well up with tears again.
"I just... felt so... lost."
"And we were the ones who'd brought you back. You couldn't turn to us." Buffy nodded, blinking as the tears started to fall.
"I wanted to... I felt so dead. And then he told me..." She trailed off, not wanting to share that, afraid that even now, it would make him turn from her. "Why are you so nice about this?"
"Hey, I'm marrying an ex-demon." Now his voice did have a touch of condemnation, but towards himself.
"You love her."
"I owe her."
"What?" Buffy shook her head, confused again.
"I'm the reason she's human. And I owe her this for what I did to Cordy." His voice softened even further. "I did love her. Just not as much as she deserved. And I do love Anya. But I'm not in love with her. I like having sex with her. I think she's pretty. I like her. A lot. But I'm not in love with her."
He frowned and glanced away before continuing. "I hope she never knows that."
"I'm sorry." Buffy's voice was almost a whisper.
"You know, then?"
She looked into his eyes, lifting her hand to brush along his jawline.
"Always." She took a deep breath. "You matter too much... You... everyone that I love gets destroyed. I never wanted to do that... Not to you."
They stared into each other's eyes, unable to find any more words.
And the silence surrounded them again.
I may get it beta'd and then rewrite it again. Will consider.
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Date: 2002-07-08 02:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-08 03:04 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-07-08 03:54 pm (UTC)