100 things meme

[butterfly]

The last thing I did before starting this list was admitting in a friend's journal that I found her very brave for writing out a list like that.



1. The idea of writing this list is scaring the hell out of me. All that honesty. It's terrifying.
2. A lot more scares me than I'd normally admit, and almost all of it involves other people. To be specific, rejection.
3. I think that some most of my scars are pretty.
4. In 6th grade, I broke down crying in a classroom once, after the rest of the class had left. My teacher was totally freaked out.
5. My hands are shaking right now, as I'm typing this out. This is causing more typos than normal.
6. I've never kissed anyone and I've only ever been kissed on the cheek. I'm twenty years old.
7. I get scared every night that I'm alone in the house, which my mom has no clue about and really, maybe that's why I'm going over to my dad's every weekend.
8. I can't watch Becoming without flinching when Buffy says that Principal Snyder never got one date in high school, because it hurts, because I feel like she's talking to me.
9. And I'm crying right now. Because this is very, very hard.
10. I say that I don't feel ugly or fat, but I'm lying.
11. I've always lied to my therapists. I've never told any of them all the truth or even a big part of it.
12. I read and enjoy rape!fic sometimes. Other times I get sick over the thought of even looking at it.
13. I hit a dog with my car once. Not the dog I found and buried. I didn't lie to you guys. I wouldn't. It was earlier, like, a few months earlier. And I was in such a state of shock that I didn't even stop driving for probably 10 minutes. By the time I'd calmed down enough to go back to where it had happened, the dog was gone.
14. Back in 8th-9th grade, I used to shoplift. I was caught twice. Both times, the people in charge said that I was so obviously doing it for the first time, so I got off with a slap on the wrist.
15. The second time that I was caught shoplifting, I was with my mother, who'd just gotten out of the hospital and was still on crutches.
16. I used to listen to my parents fight and wish that they'd get a divorce but when mom said she wanted one, I got even more depressed.
17. Someone once wrote a very nice paper about me in English class. It was anonymous, so I don't know who it was, but I sounded beautiful, the way they described me. I always wanted to know who wrote it but I never found out.
18. I used to carry a pocketknife with me everywhere and I used it whenever I felt alone, which was fairly often.
19. I started reading and writing slash before I was 18. I wasn't secure in myself, so I took advantage of the fact that my dad didn't go online and used his name.
20. I started a story in the Hercules fandom and it may still be archived under my dad's name somewhere.
21. I have, on occasion, been approached by strange men. This never scared me until they were gone and I was alone again.
22. I'm not a good friend. I don't follow through and sometimes I'm not there when people need me.
23. One time, when I was walking down a street, a guy whistled at me. I've always been guiltily fond of that memory.
24. Sometimes, I try very hard not to notice race (like when I was recapping an episode of Buffy and I was trying to decide whether or not I should mention that Robin Wood is black when I don't feel the need to mention that Buffy is white) and then I wonder if that makes me racist.
25. I feel guilty about the fact that I'm mostly attracted to white people. In fact, the only interracial slash that I like is Gunn/Wesley.
26. And that makes me worry that maybe my like of Robin/Buffy is overcompensation.
27. If I've met you, I've probably imagined you naked.
28. Every single time that I watch Moulin Rouge, I have this irrational hope that it'll end differently and every time that Satine dies and Christian cries, I'm right there with him.
29. When I'm depressed, I tend to depress myself further by watching movies about love and death, the first of which I'm afraid I'll never have and the second of which... well. That's complicated.
30. I lie when I say that I don't care about not getting feedback. I desperately want people to like what I write, because it feels like an extension of what I am.
31. Every single time that I get a comment, I prepare myself to be hurt. No matter who it's from, I always expect pain.
32. No matter how interesting Wesley's character is, I'll always love Doyle more.
33. I find it really hard to deal with people who cry. I've forced myself to hug my mom when she's crying, but it was forcing myself.
34. At the same time, whenever I cry, all I want is to be held. But I almost always try to hold the tears back until I'm alone or I've sent away whoever's there.
35. I feel weak and stupid when I cry. No matter what the reason, I never feel it's good enough.
36. If I don't know too much about something, most of the time I'll just go with the majority opinion instead of finding out more for myself.
37. My maternal grandmother can be extremely unpleasant. She always has a cutting word when things don't go her way and she never thinks that she's in the wrong.
38. Grandma hated my dad and loves my mom's new boyfriend. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
39. I lied again, though it was to myself as well. To be honest, I hate it. I hate it because I know that part of the reason that my dad used to drink so much was because he knew his wife's family hated him and looked down on him.
40. The real reason that I avoided AIM for so long is because I'm so afraid of being on it and not having anyone want to talk to me.
41. I told my paternal grandmother that I was bisexual when I was angry at her for saying something about gay people. I said it just to see her reaction and... hopefully to hurt her. Because what she'd said had hurt me.
42. The smell of wine makes me physically sick to my stomach. When I smell it, I always think of my mom and dad screaming at each other.
43. In 7th grade, I peed my pants in class because I was too frightened to ask the teacher so that I could leave. It was during a test and she'd made it very clear that no excuses were acceptable.
44. One of the writers once said that she liked humiliating Xander. I've purposefully forgotten her name so that I won't hate her. Because I don't want to hate a real person because of a tv character.
45. I nicked a porn tape from my dad once. And I threw it away after watching it because the plot sucked. Which is both silly and a lie. I threw it away because the men were really ugly, which is par for the course in straight porn.
46. You know, I lie a lot. Without even thinking about it. That's got to be bad.
47. I've always been bitter about being classed as an alto when I can sing soprano. The sopranos get the showy parts but altos were rare and blah, blah, blah. It made me seriously hate some of the sopranos.
48. I want to write Smallville but I have no faith in my writing abilities.
49. People keep saying that Six Feet Under is a wonderful show, and I'm sure it is, but I really can't imagine ever wanting to watch it.
50. Yet I'll watch Dawson's Creek for the Pacey/Joey stuff.
51. I love Barbra Streisand and I don't care how many farewell concerts she gave.
52. My aunt saw her in concert once and raved for months.
53. I'm not sure of what my faith is, exactly, but I believe in God, reincarnation, and the oversoul concept.
54. I could swear that I saw an angel once. I know that someone was there and no one else saw him. And there was a loving vibe, which was good thing considering that that was the day when I actually ripped at the skin on my wrist with my teeth.
55. I still haven't thrown away my 'safety' cutting tool.
56. I'm such an OTP'er that I don't ever read anything that doesn't deal with my pairings, even if it's written by an author I really like.
57. I really hate the lighting at the end of Hug. It makes Clark look ancient. And it makes his face too hard. I hate it every time that I see it in a vid.
58. I love that moment in Heat when Lex is trying to get out of the way of the bullet - right before we see Clark use his heat vision. Lex is so sexy right then, shifting away.
59. Sometimes I want to collectively smack Television Without Pity for being bitchy about some of the few shows that occasionally want people to use their heads. They hate a show if it shows them something and they hate it when they have to figure it out for themselves.
60. I never see the stunt doubles. I can watch the scenes over and look specifically for them and I still don't see them. I just see the characters.
61. Faith is sexy and all, but I'm never going to like her again unless she apologizes to Xander for the attempted rape/murder.
62. I still haven't finished watching the Ray Vecchio due South episodes, even though I've watched the Ray Kowalski ones several times over.
63. I actually really like Victoria. She did some horrible things but I liked her. And I really do think that she loved Fraser. But in the words of Fake!Old!Timetraveling!Xander, "Sometimes, two people, all they bring each other is pain."
64. Which I still think holds true for Spike and Buffy. Pain, pain, pain.
65. I kinda believe it of Buffy and Angel, too. All that pain. I just can't see them skipping off into the sunrise.
66. I wasn't a B/A'er and I still found Cordy and Angel to be forced and silly.
67. I still find it hard to believe that Bush is really the president. Part of me hopes it's just a very bad, very elaborate joke.
68. When my cousin visited us for Christmas, he checked my arm for new scars. I was utterly and completely thrilled that he'd cared enough to... care. Also, very surprised.
69. I don't feel guilty about mentally slashing Tom and Dan from the Harry Potter movies, despite their age, though I feel as though I should feel guilty.
70. I don't ever understand it when people are said to look fat in comparison to other people. Like Amber Benson on Buffy. Yeah, she was bigger than SMG, but she never looked 'fat'. Just on a bigger scale. Ditto with Catherine in Chicago. She didn't look fat at all to me. Or big. Just bigger than Renee.
71. I always wanted to have dark, curly hair. I didn't want to dye it, I wanted to be a natural brunette. But when my hair started getting darker, I immediately started bleaching it. (I've since stopped)
72. I don't have any jeans anymore, so now I wear skirts and dresses a lot more. It's been a real change, since I used to live in my jeans, almost.
73. In the last concert of the year, at our Lutheran high school, everybody went naked under their robes. It was really odd to sing next to people you knew were nude under their robes. I wonder if the teachers knew. Huh.
74. You could tell that at least the girls were all doing it because it was pretty cold in the area where we waited to go into the concert. Luckily, it was warmer inside.
75. I learned my first dirty jokes at Bible camp. I've forgotten most of them by now. I think that one was that 'Voodoo Dick' one. Yeah, I think it was.
76. I never believe people when they say I should call/write/email 'anytime'. I always assume that they're just being nice.
77. Most of the people I crush on are about the same height as I am.
78. I don't think that I'll ever forget the episode of Saved By the Bell where Jessie breaks down in Zack's arms going, "I'm so excited, I'm so... scared." Some things never leave you.
79. I'm trying the whole 'reaching out' 'to have a friend, you must be a friend' thing and it's still fucking terrifying. I keep waiting for it to get easier and it isn't.
80. I've never had a broken bone. I've never even had a cavity. Dentists are forever admiring my teeth.
81. My brother was obsessed with Little Nemo when we were kids. I kept getting nightmares about that fucking train.
82. I really enjoy reading historical romances, but I'm not too fond of modern-day ones.
83. I still have no clue what attracts me to certain pairings.
84. I've never seen a picture of myself as a teen that I liked. But I do think that I was a cute kid.
85. I haven't cleaned my room in months. I promised my mom that it would be clean the next time she came home, which means I have about 12 hours to clean it.
86. I've never felt as obsessive about another show as I have Buffy. Which means that I'm not looking forward to the aftermath of Seeing the Final Episode. It will not be pretty.
87. Even if it has a happy (by my standards) ending, there will be tears. Lots of them.
88. I gave my brother my PalmPilot because he lost his and sometimes I really regret that. It was very useful.
89. I have a hard time saying no. Even if I really don't want to do something, I'll dance around it and make excuses instead of just saying flat-out saying that I don't want to do ____.
90. Which leads to making promises that I never have any plans of fulfilling.
91. I miss my mom. She's gone so often these days.
92. One of my two aunts died a while ago. She was found dead in her closet. It was probably a drug overdose. I only met her once that I remember, but she was nice. She smoked and you could see the track marks on her arms but... she was nice. And still very pretty.
93. My other aunt died a few years ago, on the day after Christmas. She was driving fast, around a corner, when it was snowy. She had an accident and I'm pretty sure it was all her fault. I loved her very much.
94. My mom was married once before she was married to my dad. They didn't have any kids. They were only married a year or so, I think.
95. On my mom's side, her mom and all three of her siblings have been married three times. If she marries the guy she loves, then everyone on that side of the family will have been married three times.
96. I actually like Fred (Angel). I hate the schmoopiness of the Fred/Gunn thing, but I like Fred herself. I identified with what she said in Fredless. About wanting to pretend that the horrible things never happened.
97. We have these leather couches from Germany that have gotten all old and stuff. I'm thinking of making them into coats. They're good couches, though they did fall into the ocean once.
98. I envy Lex his way cool driving gloves. I want me some of those. And a way cool car to go with them. Or the kind of gloves that Harry uses in Quidditch.
99. Half of those multiple choice quizzes don't have any answers that I can pick. It gets frustrating at times.
100. God, I am so relieved that this is finally done. And terrified about posting it.

I'm a bundle of neurosis, wrapped up in insecurities, with fear in the middle.

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[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks, sweetie.