Contains spoilers for the latest Angel...

[butterfly]

I really identify with Connor.

I mean, I wasn't raised in a hell dimension but... I know what it's like to think that pain is the only thing that you can depend on.

I have faith. In God. In a Higher Power.

Because if I didn't... there is no way I could live.

It's unfair. To say that pain is my fall-back, because I have so many people who love me. Who are willing to help me.

Like Connor. And like Connor, when I'm hurting I can't see them.

It's unfair to the people you love not to trust them.

But I don't.

I don't trust people. I don't trust anyone.

I must have, when I was younger, but I can't remember what it felt like.

I like Connor so much because I can identify with him. I want to stop. Stop fighting, stop... hurting. I wish that I could believe other people. I try.

I've tried.

I'm still trying. I'm not giving up.

This world is so beautiful.

This world is so painful.

Every day is a gift. Priceless and wonderful and if that's true, then why does it hurt so much? Why do people do horrible things to each other?

I have to believe that there's something more than humanity. Horrible, wonderful humanity.

Connor had a choice to believe Jasmine, to love her. Rejecting that love meant that nothing in his world would change, accepting it meant having some chance at peace. Would you rather be a monster or the father of the savior of the world?

Choice is the best thing in the world. We have the right to make our own choices, even as we turn our world into a hell.

God, I don't know what's wrong with me tonight. Just melancholy, I guess.

I better get to bed. I have work in the morning. All-day shift. Purpose. A means to get money and therefore some security. A chance to smile at people and tell them to have a wonderful day.

Things will look up in the morning. Right. It's always darkest before the dawn.

It gets better.

I have to believe in a better world.

I have to live in this one.

Comments

[dakinigrl.livejournal.com]

I know how it is to not trust people. That's for sure. I've had my fair share of being screwed with repeatedly in my life. Even terribly recently! But... I guess I've also lived long enough to find tht a *few* people don't suck. And they make the rest of it worth it. And yes, beyond that... there is a divine power at work (at play).

Hugs to you in your melancholiness.. I know how it feels to feel like it won't ever stop!

~daki

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Thanks.

And that's the worst part of being depressed. That feeling that it's never going to end.

I just... there's so much beauty and wonder in this world. And people choose to throw it away. They choose to hurt and kill. There's all this choice and it seems like it mostly leads to bad.

But I'll probably feel better soon. I just... really identified with Connor, I guess. Brought back all those feelings.

[jic]

*hugs* I'd like to talk about this faith stuff at some point. I meant to reply to this much sooner, but the shortcut got lost in the huge quantity of icons on my desktop. Sorry. *hugs*