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butterflyI'm a fairly good-natured sort. Tolerant of other people, possibly because I hope that that'll encourage them to be tolerant of me.
There's a lot about me that quite a few of the people in the world dislike. Things that I like that make other people go, "That's just sick.". Things about me that do the same.
A while ago, I posted a disclaimer on my journal - these are the things I talk about, these are the things I like. This is who I am.
But life doesn't come with a disclaimer. Every time that I wander outside my safe zone, I always feel like I end up getting burned. I always end up feeling like who I am isn't the sort that's welcomed. I write het and slash. I write FPS and RPS. I like men and women. I like angst and humor. I constantly feel neither one nor the other. Always hovering in the in-between.
On my bio page, I call myself a Work in Progress. I'm only twenty years old (twenty-one on November twenty-sixth). That's still just a kid. I don't know who I am and I don't know who I'll end up being or if I'll ever 'end up' anything. Life is change. Nothing stays the same for long.
Still, again.
I try to err on the side of trusting people. I try to err on the side of assuming that people aren't saying something to be mean. I try to err on the side of assuming that people are, in the end, good at heart. I'm an idealist. Only ever was a cynic about myself.
I forget people. I don't think about how people will react sometimes. I assume that people will understand that I'm pretty much never saying something in order to be hurtful. Think I've only ever done that with my family. I hate hurting people. Hate disappointing people. I'm the horrid sort who will say 'yes' because she doesn't know how to say 'no' and then forget all about doing whatever it was. I 'friend' everyone who friends me, but I don't read most of the journals.
I enjoy reading slash. I enjoy reading romance novels. I like Buffy and Angel and *nsync and Smallville and I still think that Alicia Silverstone is absolutely adorable. I 'ship Buffy/Xander and Wesley/Angel. My favorite canon 'ship is Willow/Tara. I liked Spike better after the soul. Used to like Angel better soulless, though things have changed. I fell for Wesley in Guise will be Guise. I liked Daredevil more than Spider-Man and think that the Best. Movie. Ever. is The Princess Bride.
I rarely like myself. I don't love myself. I don't think that I'm a good writer. I do think that I'm a waste of time. I've seriously thought about killing myself several times. Gone so far as to plan day and time so that I wouldn't be found until it was too late. Backed out each time because, in the end, I do have hope. I've cut myself and licked up the blood and thought that the scars were pretty. I hid in the bathroom nearly every day my junior year of high school - either reading or cutting, but avoiding class and people and rejection.
This is who I am.
Like me. Hate me. Feel utterly indifferent. Totally up to you. Can't control you. Wouldn't if I could.
This is who I am.
I lie. I hurt people without meaning to or realizing that I've done it. I cry and scream and go cold and polite. I hide. I pretend.
This is who I am.
All this, and everything else.
I am, was, and always will be me.
There isn't anyone else in here.
This is who I am.
There's a lot about me that quite a few of the people in the world dislike. Things that I like that make other people go, "That's just sick.". Things about me that do the same.
A while ago, I posted a disclaimer on my journal - these are the things I talk about, these are the things I like. This is who I am.
But life doesn't come with a disclaimer. Every time that I wander outside my safe zone, I always feel like I end up getting burned. I always end up feeling like who I am isn't the sort that's welcomed. I write het and slash. I write FPS and RPS. I like men and women. I like angst and humor. I constantly feel neither one nor the other. Always hovering in the in-between.
On my bio page, I call myself a Work in Progress. I'm only twenty years old (twenty-one on November twenty-sixth). That's still just a kid. I don't know who I am and I don't know who I'll end up being or if I'll ever 'end up' anything. Life is change. Nothing stays the same for long.
Still, again.
I try to err on the side of trusting people. I try to err on the side of assuming that people aren't saying something to be mean. I try to err on the side of assuming that people are, in the end, good at heart. I'm an idealist. Only ever was a cynic about myself.
I forget people. I don't think about how people will react sometimes. I assume that people will understand that I'm pretty much never saying something in order to be hurtful. Think I've only ever done that with my family. I hate hurting people. Hate disappointing people. I'm the horrid sort who will say 'yes' because she doesn't know how to say 'no' and then forget all about doing whatever it was. I 'friend' everyone who friends me, but I don't read most of the journals.
I enjoy reading slash. I enjoy reading romance novels. I like Buffy and Angel and *nsync and Smallville and I still think that Alicia Silverstone is absolutely adorable. I 'ship Buffy/Xander and Wesley/Angel. My favorite canon 'ship is Willow/Tara. I liked Spike better after the soul. Used to like Angel better soulless, though things have changed. I fell for Wesley in Guise will be Guise. I liked Daredevil more than Spider-Man and think that the Best. Movie. Ever. is The Princess Bride.
I rarely like myself. I don't love myself. I don't think that I'm a good writer. I do think that I'm a waste of time. I've seriously thought about killing myself several times. Gone so far as to plan day and time so that I wouldn't be found until it was too late. Backed out each time because, in the end, I do have hope. I've cut myself and licked up the blood and thought that the scars were pretty. I hid in the bathroom nearly every day my junior year of high school - either reading or cutting, but avoiding class and people and rejection.
This is who I am.
Like me. Hate me. Feel utterly indifferent. Totally up to you. Can't control you. Wouldn't if I could.
This is who I am.
I lie. I hurt people without meaning to or realizing that I've done it. I cry and scream and go cold and polite. I hide. I pretend.
This is who I am.
All this, and everything else.
I am, was, and always will be me.
There isn't anyone else in here.
This is who I am.