Me - Myself - I (someday, I'll post fandom stuff again)

[butterfly]

I'm a fairly good-natured sort. Tolerant of other people, possibly because I hope that that'll encourage them to be tolerant of me.

There's a lot about me that quite a few of the people in the world dislike. Things that I like that make other people go, "That's just sick.". Things about me that do the same.

A while ago, I posted a disclaimer on my journal - these are the things I talk about, these are the things I like. This is who I am.

But life doesn't come with a disclaimer. Every time that I wander outside my safe zone, I always feel like I end up getting burned. I always end up feeling like who I am isn't the sort that's welcomed. I write het and slash. I write FPS and RPS. I like men and women. I like angst and humor. I constantly feel neither one nor the other. Always hovering in the in-between.

On my bio page, I call myself a Work in Progress. I'm only twenty years old (twenty-one on November twenty-sixth). That's still just a kid. I don't know who I am and I don't know who I'll end up being or if I'll ever 'end up' anything. Life is change. Nothing stays the same for long.

Still, again.


I try to err on the side of trusting people. I try to err on the side of assuming that people aren't saying something to be mean. I try to err on the side of assuming that people are, in the end, good at heart. I'm an idealist. Only ever was a cynic about myself.

I forget people. I don't think about how people will react sometimes. I assume that people will understand that I'm pretty much never saying something in order to be hurtful. Think I've only ever done that with my family. I hate hurting people. Hate disappointing people. I'm the horrid sort who will say 'yes' because she doesn't know how to say 'no' and then forget all about doing whatever it was. I 'friend' everyone who friends me, but I don't read most of the journals.

I enjoy reading slash. I enjoy reading romance novels. I like Buffy and Angel and *nsync and Smallville and I still think that Alicia Silverstone is absolutely adorable. I 'ship Buffy/Xander and Wesley/Angel. My favorite canon 'ship is Willow/Tara. I liked Spike better after the soul. Used to like Angel better soulless, though things have changed. I fell for Wesley in Guise will be Guise. I liked Daredevil more than Spider-Man and think that the Best. Movie. Ever. is The Princess Bride.

I rarely like myself. I don't love myself. I don't think that I'm a good writer. I do think that I'm a waste of time. I've seriously thought about killing myself several times. Gone so far as to plan day and time so that I wouldn't be found until it was too late. Backed out each time because, in the end, I do have hope. I've cut myself and licked up the blood and thought that the scars were pretty. I hid in the bathroom nearly every day my junior year of high school - either reading or cutting, but avoiding class and people and rejection.

This is who I am.

Like me. Hate me. Feel utterly indifferent. Totally up to you. Can't control you. Wouldn't if I could.

This is who I am.

I lie. I hurt people without meaning to or realizing that I've done it. I cry and scream and go cold and polite. I hide. I pretend.

This is who I am.

All this, and everything else.

I am, was, and always will be me.

There isn't anyone else in here.

This is who I am.

Comments

[bcassie.livejournal.com]

Yes you are who you are, but you will change over time as you absorb more life experiences - a gradual evolution of self.

Hopefully you will become more confident in your abilities - you are a good writer.

Hopefully you will learn to love yourself - you are not a waste of space.

You are not accidental. Existence needs you. Without you something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it. That's what gives you dignity, that the whole existence will miss you. The stars and sun and moon, the trees and birds and earth - everything in the universe will feel a small place is vacant which cannot be filled by anybody except you.
osho

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the moral support, I guess is the right phrase.

I'm really debating with myself over whether or not I should be posting this stuff. On the one hand, I feel as though I have a right to put it out there and on the other hand, I feel that people have the right not to be subjected to it, so... confliction.

[bcassie.livejournal.com]

I think, it's your journal, s post what you want. You should see some of the stuff I post!

It's a way to express yourself honestly in a forum where it feels safer to do so, at least that's how I feel. I couldn't discuss some of the stuff I post with RL people, but I can on my journal. I've found people on the net to be very supportive and have found several people with similar problems so that I don't feel judged when I talk to them. Which is why I offered to chat with you if you ever want to because we do have quite a few issues in common. Low self esteem, cutting etc.

At the end of the day, if people don't want to read a post they can always not - so don't feel conflicted.

*Hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Sometimes, it's hard to think of my journal as *mine* because it's so open.

It's random stranger time

[smidgy06.livejournal.com]

I'm...uh, perusing my friendsfriends page.

Yes.

And while I don't know you, from that there post you seem quite loverly.

*nod*

And like a friend of Fox's.

(I apologize for the randomness)

Re: It's random stranger time

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Fox is quite the cool person, yes? She rules muchly. And randomness is always cool.

Re: It's random stranger time

[smidgy06.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. :)

She very much is.

[theferretgirl.livejournal.com]

I can relate to what you're saying. I've been there, sometimes I'm still there. Only difference is I always think people are up to something, they are out to get me. I think there are a lot of people like us out there.

But you are not a waste of time, you are not a bad writer, You are You. And You are one of the most honest and friendliest people I've met in LJ land and I have great respect for that.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

You know, I try, but there are always times when things just stall. And maybe it's my fault, maybe it's no one's fault. Just. It bugs to have people assume things about you, is all.

[jic]

You are not alone.

You are loved.



These are the two things to always remember. My dad just reminded me of these last weekend.