It's late and...

[butterfly]

I can't sleep.

My brother is turning twenty-two next Friday. In November, I'm turning twenty-one.

I still feel sixteen some days. Still feel six sometimes.

I'm not living with my mom any more. This is still an odd thought.

Independence is both welcoming and terrifying. Most new things are. I'm trying to be brave. I don't feel brave.

I feel so young immature, in comparision to... everyone else on here. Nearly twenty-one and just now moving out on my own? Depression really does suck away at your life. I mention it to people. That I had clinical depression and nearly flunked out of school. Because each time I say it, it feels less like something I failed at. Not sure why.

I felt like a failure at life. I couldn't do the things that other people found so easy. I couldn't even try. I knew that I was capable, but I wasn't.

You can't just 'get over' depression. I can't. I used to do that so much - use 'you' instead of 'I', to distance myself from my words feelings.

I couldn't just get over my depression. I'm mostly out, now. I still get... nervous. Scared. I worry that I'm a waste of time. I want to reach out and I don't because I'm so incredibly terrified of being rejected and I don't know how to get over that in any way but facing my fear. And I don't know if I can do that yet.

I'm getting better, but I'm not better.

I've managed to jump-start most parts of my life. I have a job. I'm going to be going back to school. I'm friendly and open and I still want.

I want...

Things that I don't know how to ask for. Things that I wouldn't know what to do with if I had them.

Not things, really.

And I'm not sure what brought on this mood, but, yeah.

I'll go try to get some sleep. I'm off tomorrow. I'm going to rpg and make icons and work on my site. Fun things.