It's late and...

[butterfly]

I can't sleep.

My brother is turning twenty-two next Friday. In November, I'm turning twenty-one.

I still feel sixteen some days. Still feel six sometimes.

I'm not living with my mom any more. This is still an odd thought.

Independence is both welcoming and terrifying. Most new things are. I'm trying to be brave. I don't feel brave.

I feel so young immature, in comparision to... everyone else on here. Nearly twenty-one and just now moving out on my own? Depression really does suck away at your life. I mention it to people. That I had clinical depression and nearly flunked out of school. Because each time I say it, it feels less like something I failed at. Not sure why.

I felt like a failure at life. I couldn't do the things that other people found so easy. I couldn't even try. I knew that I was capable, but I wasn't.

You can't just 'get over' depression. I can't. I used to do that so much - use 'you' instead of 'I', to distance myself from my words feelings.

I couldn't just get over my depression. I'm mostly out, now. I still get... nervous. Scared. I worry that I'm a waste of time. I want to reach out and I don't because I'm so incredibly terrified of being rejected and I don't know how to get over that in any way but facing my fear. And I don't know if I can do that yet.

I'm getting better, but I'm not better.

I've managed to jump-start most parts of my life. I have a job. I'm going to be going back to school. I'm friendly and open and I still want.

I want...

Things that I don't know how to ask for. Things that I wouldn't know what to do with if I had them.

Not things, really.

And I'm not sure what brought on this mood, but, yeah.

I'll go try to get some sleep. I'm off tomorrow. I'm going to rpg and make icons and work on my site. Fun things.

Comments

[miss-saigon.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I don't know if this helps at all, but I hear what you're saying. In the last week I've been faced with several good friends making life changing decisions and I sort of feel like everyone around me is growing up and moving forward and I'm just marking time. I've been reading your journal for a long time now and I think you've come a long way, you seem a lot happier now than when I first "met" you. I know we aren't really close, but I think you're a terrific person.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Yeah, it's scary staying in place... it's also scary moving. I mentioned not being brave, right?

Thank you. Very much.

[bcassie.livejournal.com]

Wow, you're a younger version of me!

I can identify with everything you've wrote apart from the getting better bit.

If it's any consolation, most people feel immature if they're honest. I only moved out of my parent's house when I was 28 - you should worry!

I'm glad you've got your life back on track, depression and the assorted self-loathing that comes with it can be overwhelming. You should be really proud of how much you've achieved.

I don't know if you know this poem, but I always find it inspirational.

The Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble,
it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

"Desiderata" was written by Max Ehrmann (1872-1945)

Looking forward to more NotAlexis goodness.

(Sorry for taking up so much room!)

[clauclauclaudia]

Such a good poem. I read it at my high school graduation, so I notice some punctuation errors up there, but I won't niggle at them. I will say that the last line is "Be careful. Strive to be happy."

Which is much more reasonable advice, especially to someone with depression! (How well I know.)

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the correction, as I'm planning on reposting this into my main journal.

And it is really good advice. Smart guy, that Max.

[bcassie.livejournal.com]

Punctuation errors?!

Typical. You know, I pasted it from this Desdirata website - you'd think they'd get it right! Oh well.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And you can take up all the room you want. I don't mind.

*hugs*