Why Draco Makes Me Whimper (not movie-spoilerly)

[butterfly]

There's a Draco/Harry vid that is just so absolutely, perfectly Draco that it breaks my heart. I don't remember how long ago that I found it, as I just relocated it in the wake of thinking about H/D after PoA. The song used is The Way Things Are by Fiona Apple and the lyrics just make me wibble and think that yes, I can imagine Draco telling himself these things. "I'm much better off the way things are. Much, much better off, better by far." The vidder's name is on the bloody vid, but I can't actually make it out, though I think the word 'sidhe' is in it.

There's a part of Deep Space Nine's pilot episode that always hits me so hard -- Sisko is trying to explain human, linear existence to the Wormhole Aliens/Prophets but keeps getting dragged back to the scene of his wife's death, because though his physical life has gone on, his heart and soul still exist in the moment of losing her.

"You exist here."
"I exist here."
"It is not linear."

Draco exists in the moment of "I can tell the wrong sort for myself." He hasn't gotten past it. Five years, and he's still an eleven year-old kid, reaching out the only way that he was ever taught how -- 'I can give you connections, I can make you powerful, we can be allies' -- and being rejected. He mentions that rejection in his big ending speech in Goblet of Fire because it's still the first thing on his mind, just as Harry is. Because that first cut never healed over, each slash that he receives from Harry hits just as deeply as that first rejection did, slicing straight through the thin armour of his skin and bone to hit his heart, the fragile scar tissue reopening and the wounds bleeding anew with each strike.

It is not linear, but it is very human.

What Draco has in common with various heroes that I adore without being a hero is part of what draws me to him (someone that he really reminds me of is Ray Kowalski, particularly when it comes to purposefully aggravating known wounds -- what, to see if they'll still hurt? Ray knows that Stella will shoot him down. Draco knows that the Gryffindors use their fists to 'solve problems', yet they each invite the pain because bad attention is better than no attention (which, in turn, reminds me of The Sound of Music, come to think of it))

I wouldn’t know what to do with another chance
If you gave it to me
I couldn’t take the embrace of a real romance
It’d race right through me
I’m much better off the way things are
Much much better off, better by far, by far

I wouldn’t know what to say to a gentle voice
It’d roll right past me
And if you chalk it up you’ll see I don’t really have a choice
So don’t even ask me
I’m much better off, the way things are
Much much better off, better by far

So keep on calling me names, keep on, keep on
And I’ll keep kicking the crap till it’s gone
If you keep on killing, you could get me to settle
And as soon as I settle, I bet I’ll be
Able to move on

How can I fight, when we’re on the same side
How can I fight beside you

Comments

Living in the past

[theatre-pixie.livejournal.com]

Does no one ever seem to choose to live in a good moment? Why is it that the majority of humanity chooses to relive the painful moments instead of the pleasurable, joyful, beautiful ones? And is such a thing possible?

In theory, I think anyone can remain locked into any one moment of their life--good or bad. It's only a theory--well, hypothesis, really--because I've yet to meet anyone who has chosen to live in a happy moment instead of a hurtful or depressing one.

...I think I'll ponder this more later, in my own journal. Thanks though, for the springboard into insight, butterfly.

Re: Living in the past

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I know that a key part of depression is remembering the bad but not the good.

It may stem from the overall vibe of the world right now, which is Not Good. How can anyone live in a moment of happiness when we see how easily it can be torn away?

I don't know.

Re: Living in the past

[theatre-pixie.livejournal.com]

You know, when I wrote the first comment, I was reminded of act III in Our Town.
Emily is dead and sitting in the graveyard with all of the other dead, but she knows--she senses--that she can go back and re-live it all over again. And she says that she'll chose a happy moment--like when her baby was born or when she first knew that she loved her husband-to-be. The other dead advise her against it. They tell her that she should chose a day just like any other, nothing too exciting or special, just a day. Emily asks why, but they never really give her an answer. So she says "Well, it can still be a happy day, right? I can have a happy day?" * They tell her that she may and Emily chooses her twelfth birthday. And she goes back to that day, everything from getting up and having breakfast to opening her presents. But, somewhere along the line, she realizes that going back is pointless. That going back is painful. Because it reminds her of how little, how very very little people appreciate life from one day to the next. She says "Mama, mama can't we... can't we just look at each other?" And when the day continues as it had when she was twelve, her mother not hearing her plea, she wants out of the memory.
Emily asks later if anyone truly understands what a gift life is while they're living it. The response? "The saints, maybe, and a few poets."

Honestly? If I live in the past, I'm more likely to live in the vague past of blurry, happy memories than I am to dwell in the dispairing ones. Do I have a certain moment? No, not really, although several of the same ones are often replayed. Do I think myself a poet, able to

Re: Living in the past (pt.2)

[theatre-pixie.livejournal.com]

Do I think myself a poet, able to really appreciate life as I live it? No. And God knows that I'm not a saint either. If I'm lucky, very very lucky, I'll see glimpses of it--mere moments every now and again. And truly that is all I can ask for.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

The vid is by the lovely layha.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you!