(no subject)

There's a bit of the show-off, the egotist, the attention-getter in most lj users, I'd guess. Of course, everyone has moments like that, but we, perhaps, have them more often.

A public journal is a statement to the world - "I'm here - pay attention to me."

We just all have different ways of expressing that need. And it is a need - all living things need care and attention, or they grow up stunted and unhealthy. Posting in lj is a bit like a cat meowing for playtime or a baby crying. Though those aren't terribly nice comparisions, I'll admit. Perhaps a better example would be the peacock, showing off his tailfeathers. Stories, essays, and personal anecdotes are all different varieties of bright shiny feathers.

Still not the most flattering comparision in the world, though.

But it all comes down to seeking attention.

I'll certainly admit that I have my moments. I'm having one right now - hence this post. I'm holding up a glittering ring and hoping that people will flatter and admire the way the colors gleam.

And part of the reason that I'm like that on lj is because I often don't let myself act that way otherwise. I don't hold up the fragile, shimmering gems of my ideas to people in general. Unless I know someone well, I'm very restrained around them - my need to be ultra polite goes deep and I can't counteract it unless I trust that the person knows me well enough to know when not to take me seriously.

This is, I think, why I often identify with the repressed characters. I know why they act as they do (I'm amused by the fact that Fraser's grandparents were librarians, as my mom has a degree in library sciences - being raised by someone who is concerned with the order of things has an effect.). I'm drawn to the controlled ones, the people who bury things deeply, because that's what I do. Those are the people that I set in relation to myself.

Personal-type entry

I've been busy a lot recently - I just haven't had the time or ability to do a lot online. But in a way, the busyness is intentional - I spent so long depending on what I got on lj and I want to be certain that I'm not dependent on it.

I've started spending time actually reading books again - just finished that People's Guide to Tolkien, and now I'm reading Return of the Shadow, the fourth 'History of Middle-Earth' book. I've also been spending some time at my dad's.

I've pulled myself back from my fannish loves to make sure that I remember that they are chosen passions and not obsessions (in a direct refute to my own website title, I suppose - then again, it's had that title for years, so perhaps when I create the new frontpage banner, it'll have a new name).

Doesn't mean that I care about any of it the less, I just want to make certain that I know that I can do without.