I have to write this.

But y'all don't have to read it. I'm posting public because that's the point of this journal. I'd be fuckin' with the whole reason that I got the thing if I made this private.

So, if the depressed ramblings of a still somewhat self-hating girl will ruin your night(day, whatever), don't continue.

I was listen to Something Like You and at the end of the song, I just broke down. I turned off my Discman and just cried for over half an hour.

Because I've never felt that way about someone. And no one's ever felt that way about me. And I'm half(more) certain that no one ever will.

I've referred to being depressed on this journal. For a whole year, I was so depressed that I was skipping school to lock myself in the bathroom to cry. I cut myself and started feeling like that was the only time that I was alive. And I was fuckin' certain that I was the most worthless person who had ever lived.

There's still a lot of that girl in me. I'm still afraid that my friends online will realize how worthless I am and stop being my friends because I'm still have that nagging feeling that I don't deserve friendship. That I don't deserve anything.

No one in my 'real life' knows that I feel this way. Most of them never know that I ever felt that way. Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I told them how I felt that they'd realize that I'm right.

I am so afraid of being alone. And I feel alone so much of the time.

I believe in God, I do. But, and I know that this makes me even worse, but it's not enough. Because God loves everyone. It doesn't matter what you are. So, saying that God loves you doesn't mean that you're worth loving.

So, yeah, I push people away. Because I believe, I truly do, that I am not worth their attention.

And that feeling of hopeless worthlessness... I can't pinpoint when it started. I wasn't a depressed kid. I was just a kid.

But now, I look at myself and sometimes I wonder if the world wouldn't be better off if I were dead. I wonder if the world would even notice. I mean, yeah, my family would cry but they would move on. I've seen them move on from death. Eventually, they wouldn't even think about me anymore.

No one would.

And that's why I cry. Because of this soul-deep feeling I don't really matter.

I remember someone once asked me why I give blood and I said that it was to help people. But it's so that at least I helped that way. At least someone was helped by my life on this world. And that makes me hate myself even more. That I do it out of selfishness and not love.

I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to flirt. I don't know how to make myself matter to someone.

So, sometimes I remember how it felt to cut myself and I wonder how long it would take mom to get over my death.

Sometimes, I think about killing myself. Think about how at least this longing to matter would be gone.

But I never do it. Because, tomorrow, things might change. If you die, then things will never change. Never get better.

You have to hope. Right?

Oh. My God.

The schedule for the second leg of the tour just came out. And... they're coming. To Oregon. On Feburary 7th.

And there is no way that I'm not getting a ticket. Somehow.

Oh, my God.