I have to write this.

[butterfly]

But y'all don't have to read it. I'm posting public because that's the point of this journal. I'd be fuckin' with the whole reason that I got the thing if I made this private.

So, if the depressed ramblings of a still somewhat self-hating girl will ruin your night(day, whatever), don't continue.

I was listen to Something Like You and at the end of the song, I just broke down. I turned off my Discman and just cried for over half an hour.

Because I've never felt that way about someone. And no one's ever felt that way about me. And I'm half(more) certain that no one ever will.

I've referred to being depressed on this journal. For a whole year, I was so depressed that I was skipping school to lock myself in the bathroom to cry. I cut myself and started feeling like that was the only time that I was alive. And I was fuckin' certain that I was the most worthless person who had ever lived.

There's still a lot of that girl in me. I'm still afraid that my friends online will realize how worthless I am and stop being my friends because I'm still have that nagging feeling that I don't deserve friendship. That I don't deserve anything.

No one in my 'real life' knows that I feel this way. Most of them never know that I ever felt that way. Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I told them how I felt that they'd realize that I'm right.

I am so afraid of being alone. And I feel alone so much of the time.

I believe in God, I do. But, and I know that this makes me even worse, but it's not enough. Because God loves everyone. It doesn't matter what you are. So, saying that God loves you doesn't mean that you're worth loving.

So, yeah, I push people away. Because I believe, I truly do, that I am not worth their attention.

And that feeling of hopeless worthlessness... I can't pinpoint when it started. I wasn't a depressed kid. I was just a kid.

But now, I look at myself and sometimes I wonder if the world wouldn't be better off if I were dead. I wonder if the world would even notice. I mean, yeah, my family would cry but they would move on. I've seen them move on from death. Eventually, they wouldn't even think about me anymore.

No one would.

And that's why I cry. Because of this soul-deep feeling I don't really matter.

I remember someone once asked me why I give blood and I said that it was to help people. But it's so that at least I helped that way. At least someone was helped by my life on this world. And that makes me hate myself even more. That I do it out of selfishness and not love.

I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to flirt. I don't know how to make myself matter to someone.

So, sometimes I remember how it felt to cut myself and I wonder how long it would take mom to get over my death.

Sometimes, I think about killing myself. Think about how at least this longing to matter would be gone.

But I never do it. Because, tomorrow, things might change. If you die, then things will never change. Never get better.

You have to hope. Right?

Comments

[beckalina.livejournal.com]

I see myself four months ago in this post. And a lot of myself right now, too.

I've never dated anyone, only kissed one person, and that was just this past May. It doesn't matter. You'll meet that someone someday, and your life will feel as full and happy as all those cheesy love songs. (Not that SLY is cheesy.) That's what I tell myself. And yeah, sometimes it's hard to believe. But. Trust me.

Don't ever think that people won't miss you if you were gone. Ever. I've seen (not firsthand, but I have seen) how families and friends are affected by suicide. There are people who care about you, whether you want to believe it or not. Your death would matter. Because you matter.

And you know, your giving blood is not selfish. You're making a difference, hon. People might live because of you. And wanting to help and make a difference is not selfish. At all.

I have the same worries as you. I worry that people don't really like me and are just pretending. Constantly. I worry that I'll lose my best friend because I always lose my best friends. But. I'm starting to learn that I can't think like this. It gets me nowhere. Fast. If people don't like you, don't wanna be your friend, that's their own damn problem. And I'm betting they'll regret it down the line.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, about anything...I'm here. I know what you're going through, and I'll help in any way I can.

Now, look at my cute icon and squee. You know you want to. You cannot resist the charm of baby!lambs. And if you aren't up to squee-ing, at least smile, okay? For me?

-Becky-

I'm smiling.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

And they are pretty damn cute.

Thank you. Even if I read my journal over and I see that what I'm writing can't be true, it can be hard to feel that.

Plus, if I was as worthless as I think, why would people bother to pretend to be my friends.

Huh, that makes me feel better. 'Cause either they do feel that way, or I'm important enough for them to pretend to feel that way. Score!

Hee.

Honey...

[cicigreen.livejournal.com]

Every life is important. *hug*

Please talk to someone. It doesn't have to be family or friends if you are uncomfortable. Talk to a teacher or counselor at school. If one of your friend's parents is really cool, talk to them. If you belong to any kind of religious organization, seek someone there.

I know it doesn't help to hear that "we've all been there" or "this happens to a lot of people" because the isolation and pain are very real and and very scary and mear words aren't going to change that.

All I can tell you is that it will get better. It may take a couple weeks, months, years, but it will get better. And in the meantime, you need someone you can turn to. And while we here in your Friends list will absolutely be here for you, whenever you need us, a real hug is so much better than a virtual one.

Until then... *hug*

Re: Honey...

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

It's just so tough talking to people about this stuff. I know, intellectually, that they won't turn away, most people but it's hard for me to know it emotionally.

[mitajoey.livejournal.com]

Di honey. First I just wanted to tell you that its okay to feel that way sometimes. I feel that way sometimes, actually a lot of times. I'd like to think that's normal. And no matter what you think, nobody is going to feel that you don't deserve anything. Anyone that feels that way, is not your friend and they don't love you. And the first step in finding love is loving yourself. I know that's a hard concept sometimes, because I have a difficult time loving myself. But I've come to realize that it just takes longer for some people, but there's no way I believe that I don't deserve love. And you shouldn't feel that way either.

I don't know you personally, but from what I've read, you're a very sweet person, who's got a great heart and you care about people. The fact that you give blood is proof of that, regardless of what you said about it. Its a selfless act that a lot of people don't bother to do. Myself included.

You were right though, dying won't change anything. It'll just make things worse. For everyone who know and love you, and believe me, I know that there are people like that in your life.

The fact that you recognize these things about yourself and that you're willing to keep your hopes alive, is a great start. As far as making friends go, just be yourself. People who are worth being friends with will come. You just have to open yourself up more. That's all. You'll be okay, I promise.

Re:

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Y'all are so sweet. And that makes me sniffly in a good way.

Thank you.

I'm Seeing The Tunnel At The End Of All These Lights

[parachutes.livejournal.com]

Hey Diana, I don't know you personally but I like reading your entries for they always bring out something emotional in me. Today I just felt compelled to respond because your words were so painful and so familiar. Like beckalina said, I could see so much of myself in what you poured out.

From what I observed about the way you write, you're very tuned in to the emotions of others. To be able to do that, you must be sensitive to the feelings of others. This sensitivity can both help you and harm you by making you imagine things that aren't there. There's a huge difference between sensing your friend is mad at you, and imagining it altogether. I'm very guilty of that, and have driven away friends because of it. It's something we all have to learn to control, I guess.

And it's easy to assume we don't mean much to people, but we do. I'm certain that there are folks who love your site and enjoy reading your LJ writings (like I do) but we don't say anything. I never got a chance to write you because I'm busy and like you, I didn't think I would be worth anyone's time :) But sadly, you can't see my good intentions because I didn't write you at all. And I'm CERTAIN there are many others like me who like you quietly from afar :)

Anyway, please pardon my silly ramblings. I didn't intend to preach, so sorry if I ended up sounding like that. Please take care of yourself and I hope you get to realise how much you mean to people someday.

Re: I'm Seeing The Tunnel At The End Of All These Lights

[firewalkwithme.livejournal.com]

I'm one of those people, and like Neesha and Beckalina, I've felt a lot of what you're feeling. Unfortunately, I don't think there's anything anyone could say that would really convince you otherwise. If someone had told me "But you DO matter!" I'd maybe agree but I wouldn't believe it deep down. But I have to say it. YOU DO. You dwell in people's thoughts every day without even knowing it. They care, whether they tell you often or not. I hope you find some comfort, and it would probably be a big help if you tried to confide in someone offline. I'm positive your friends and family care about you and would want to help. I'm sorry if this is seen as intrusive by you, I just wanted to let you know that someone else you don't really know, reads your journal and thinks you're great!

Brie

Re: I'm Seeing The Tunnel At The End Of All These Lights

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It does help to have people say that stuff. But there's always that voice in your head that tells you you're not worth it.

I do think that it's getting better. I just had a mini-break down last night. My first since I started regularly writing in this thing.

Thanks.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

And yeah, I can see that, because I'm that way so often. (What's the point in writing them, they don't care if I love them, important people tell them that, I don't matter)

But I think that I'm feeling that way less and less. And part of it is writing out my feelings on this journal. I can look at it and see that it's not true. And that helps.

[likeasunburn.livejournal.com]

Hey honey. I'll give you a perspective from the other side of the fence.

I have a 14 yr old daughter. About one year ago she started cutting. I didn'tfind out right away, she hid it very well. When I found out, I was shocked because I had no idea she was depressed or suicidal. (She did have suicidal thoughts, as well.) There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry about her. If she had gone through with it? I'd be a basket case.

We've always been close, but I wasn't asking the right questions and watching the right signs. If she hadn't told a friend about considering suicide, and that friend hadn't cared enough to tell her school counselor, I hate to even think what *could* have happened. It turns out she was suffering from clinical depression and also bi-polar disorder.

I'm not saying you have the same problems, but talking about it makes a huge difference, especially to people who care and can give you the help and advice you need. It's great that you're talking about it here in your journal, because keeping it all in only makes it harder to deal with.

It's probably a good idea to talk to your parents, friends, or someone else you can trust. You know I don't live that far away, if you ever wanna talk, email me and we'll work something out, okay?
*HUG*
sunnie
sheslikeasunburn@yahoo.com

Thank you.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

And yeah, I'm taking anti-depressants. My uncle's a manic-depressive. So it runs in the family, which sucks.

But I'm a lot more open about my pain now, which seems to help a lot.