Someday...
Dec. 3rd, 2001 08:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
butterflyI'll write something other than introspective character pieces.
It'd been an idiotic idea from the beginning. We'd both knew that when we started this... relationship. Can it really be called a relationship when it only exists behind closed doors? At times, it seems more like a series of sordid trysts than anything real, anything loving.
At first, the few moments that we managed to snatch between the hours of pretending had seemed like enough and the secret touches and hidden glances had been exciting. But every day, I get a little more frustrated with not being about to claim him.
Not that I own him, of course. No one could. But I envy Brit's public kisses and affectionate gestures. I have daydreams where I stand up at the podium of one of the award shows and announce that the reason that I've come so far is because of him. Because of his love and support. And he hugs me and the crowd is silent, and yeah, some people are disapproving, because even in my dreams I need to have some reality, but it's better than this. Better than smiling and staying silent while another reporter asks about Britney.
I am so fucking tired of smiling. Of pretending to be happy.
But I love him too much to stop. I don't want to take the chance that if I give him a choice between coming out and breaking up, that he wouldn't choose to end this. And however fucked up this can make me feel sometimes, I don't really want it to end. I don't want to live in a world where Justin doesn't love me.
And that's such melodramatic crap. I hate that I feel that way. Like my life is somehow dependent on his.
There are days when I wish that I could go back and stop him from ever telling me about his feelings. Wish that I'd laughed off his confession of having "a crush, maybe. I think." and told him that I couldn't ever feel the same way. Anything to stop myself from ending up here, trapped and in love and so fucking afraid of being found out.
But then I look at him and I know that I couldn't have done this any other way. I remember that unsure look in his eyes and the way that his soft lower lip was trembling slightly and I think that I fell in love with him in that moment. And instead of doing something sane or logical, I kissed him.
Kissing him was probably the stupidest thing that I've ever done. But I don't think that I could have stopped myself.
It'd been an idiotic idea from the beginning. We'd both knew that when we started this... relationship. Can it really be called a relationship when it only exists behind closed doors? At times, it seems more like a series of sordid trysts than anything real, anything loving.
At first, the few moments that we managed to snatch between the hours of pretending had seemed like enough and the secret touches and hidden glances had been exciting. But every day, I get a little more frustrated with not being about to claim him.
Not that I own him, of course. No one could. But I envy Brit's public kisses and affectionate gestures. I have daydreams where I stand up at the podium of one of the award shows and announce that the reason that I've come so far is because of him. Because of his love and support. And he hugs me and the crowd is silent, and yeah, some people are disapproving, because even in my dreams I need to have some reality, but it's better than this. Better than smiling and staying silent while another reporter asks about Britney.
I am so fucking tired of smiling. Of pretending to be happy.
But I love him too much to stop. I don't want to take the chance that if I give him a choice between coming out and breaking up, that he wouldn't choose to end this. And however fucked up this can make me feel sometimes, I don't really want it to end. I don't want to live in a world where Justin doesn't love me.
And that's such melodramatic crap. I hate that I feel that way. Like my life is somehow dependent on his.
There are days when I wish that I could go back and stop him from ever telling me about his feelings. Wish that I'd laughed off his confession of having "a crush, maybe. I think." and told him that I couldn't ever feel the same way. Anything to stop myself from ending up here, trapped and in love and so fucking afraid of being found out.
But then I look at him and I know that I couldn't have done this any other way. I remember that unsure look in his eyes and the way that his soft lower lip was trembling slightly and I think that I fell in love with him in that moment. And instead of doing something sane or logical, I kissed him.
Kissing him was probably the stupidest thing that I've ever done. But I don't think that I could have stopped myself.
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(no subject)
Date: 2001-12-03 08:35 pm (UTC)I want it to be angsty!Lance, because...yes.
Thank you.
Date: 2001-12-03 08:51 pm (UTC)quite lovely
Date: 2001-12-04 01:55 am (UTC)Re: quite lovely
Date: 2001-12-04 11:18 am (UTC)