Het! It's het!
Dec. 30th, 2001 03:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
butterflyAnd a belated happy birthday to Regina. Hope you had a great one.
And yay! my head almost feels normal again.
Oh, and I'm a sucky friend. Because I have a limited capacity for self-pity in people and tend to be all avoid-y when people get like that. Plus, I can be a total bitch.
I've decided that I like this story.
Something Broken, Something True
They stared at each other, frozen. Buffy's mouth opened, then quickly closed as she glanced away from the man in front of her. His face was blank, and she had no idea what he was thinking.
She wasn't sure that she wanted to know. Not now, not after what he'd seen.
Why was it always Xander who saw her like this? It wasn't, a small voice in her head whispered back, but her embarrassment and fear was too strong for her to listen to it.
"Well, hello there, Shaggy. What're you doing here?" Buffy flinched away from Spike's voice, sliding off of the tomb hurriedly. She couldn't meet Xander's eyes again, still trapped by the shock that she had seen in them. She was just grateful that she still had her pants and bra on, that they hadn't gotten too far before...
Her head snapped around to look at Xander when he spoke.
"Get out, Spike." His voice was calm, but she saw his hand tighten around the stake he was carrying. He must have been patrolling, she thought dimly, as she tried to pull her gaze from Xander's face.
"We were here first."
"Get the hell out, Spike." Buffy was surprised to hear herself speak. She was still unable to stop looking at Xander, who was looking past her to Spike. She closed her eyes, feeling a shudder go through her body. When she opened them, she forced herself to turn to Spike, to look directly into his eyes. His gaze searched hers desperately, searching for something, she didn't know what. His lips tightened, perhaps in pain, but she didn't really care enough to think about it any more.
"All right, love. I'll see you later." But his voice was a touch shaky and she knew that he wasn't that sure of 'his power over her'. She bit her lip, waiting for him to leave and yet terribly afraid of what would happen.
Once Spike was gone, there was a moment of silence, Buffy still too terrified to speak, so incredibly afraid of what Xander would say.
Buffy pulled in a quavering breath that echo'd in the still air of the crypt. "I...I didn't... didn't mean..." Her voice broke, the words turning into a sob.
Xander's face was still closed to her, his eyes cold. His lips curved in a humorless smile. "Why do I have the urge to quote Eminem?" His voice was harsh, and she could feel herself start to shake.
She tried to breathe normally and calm herself. Tried to keep from breaking down in front of Xander. Why did it have to be him? Of course he would hate her for this. He would never forgive her and she hadn't realized until this moment how much his support had always meant to her.
She heard a soft sigh and turned to Xander. His face seemed softer now, less pained.
"I'm sorry." His voice surprised her with its gentleness. "I had no right to say that." He walked toward her, his gaze locked with hers. She knew that her own eyes had to be as desperate as Spike's had been earlier. "Wanna talk about it?"
"Why aren't you yelling at me?" Her voice was laced with confusion and uncertainty.
"Because that's what I do when I think that you've screwed up." He was almost really smiling now. "I'm not 16 anymore, Buffy. I've grown up."
"But what I've been doing... how can you not hate me?" She tilted her head. "I've been fucking Spike. I've been..."
Now he did smile. He was directly in front of her and he reached out to brush some of her hair back.
"And that's all it was? Not love?"
"I could never love Spike! God, he's a monster."
"Then why sleep with him?" And Xander's voice was gentle and understanding and why hadn't she noticed how much he'd grown. Did loving Anya do this to him, she wondered, as she felt her eyes well up with tears again.
"I felt so lost."
"And we were the ones who'd brought you back. You couldn't turn to us." Buffy nodded, blinking as the tears started to silently fall.
"I wanted to... I felt so dead. And then he told me..." She trailed off, not wanting to share that, afraid that even now, it would make him turn from her. "Why are you so nice about this?"
"Hey, I'm marrying an ex-demon." Now his voice did have a touch of condemnation, towards himself.
"You love her."
"I owe her."
"What?" Buffy shook her head, utterly confused again.
"I'm the reason she's human. And I owe her this for what I did to Cordy." His voice soften even further. "I did love her. Just not as much as she deserved. And I love Anya. But I'm not in love with her. I like having sex with her. I think she's pretty. I like her. But I'm not in love with her."
He frowned and glanced away before continuing. "I hope she never knows that."
"I'm sorry." Buffy's voice was almost a whisper.
"You know, then?"
She looked into his eyes, lifting her hand to brush along his jaw.
"Always known." She took a deep breath. "You matter too much to me. You... everyone that I love gets destroyed. I never wanted to do that to you."
They stared into each other's eyes, unable to find any words.
And the silence surrounded them again.
And yay! my head almost feels normal again.
Oh, and I'm a sucky friend. Because I have a limited capacity for self-pity in people and tend to be all avoid-y when people get like that. Plus, I can be a total bitch.
I've decided that I like this story.
Something Broken, Something True
They stared at each other, frozen. Buffy's mouth opened, then quickly closed as she glanced away from the man in front of her. His face was blank, and she had no idea what he was thinking.
She wasn't sure that she wanted to know. Not now, not after what he'd seen.
Why was it always Xander who saw her like this? It wasn't, a small voice in her head whispered back, but her embarrassment and fear was too strong for her to listen to it.
"Well, hello there, Shaggy. What're you doing here?" Buffy flinched away from Spike's voice, sliding off of the tomb hurriedly. She couldn't meet Xander's eyes again, still trapped by the shock that she had seen in them. She was just grateful that she still had her pants and bra on, that they hadn't gotten too far before...
Her head snapped around to look at Xander when he spoke.
"Get out, Spike." His voice was calm, but she saw his hand tighten around the stake he was carrying. He must have been patrolling, she thought dimly, as she tried to pull her gaze from Xander's face.
"We were here first."
"Get the hell out, Spike." Buffy was surprised to hear herself speak. She was still unable to stop looking at Xander, who was looking past her to Spike. She closed her eyes, feeling a shudder go through her body. When she opened them, she forced herself to turn to Spike, to look directly into his eyes. His gaze searched hers desperately, searching for something, she didn't know what. His lips tightened, perhaps in pain, but she didn't really care enough to think about it any more.
"All right, love. I'll see you later." But his voice was a touch shaky and she knew that he wasn't that sure of 'his power over her'. She bit her lip, waiting for him to leave and yet terribly afraid of what would happen.
Once Spike was gone, there was a moment of silence, Buffy still too terrified to speak, so incredibly afraid of what Xander would say.
Buffy pulled in a quavering breath that echo'd in the still air of the crypt. "I...I didn't... didn't mean..." Her voice broke, the words turning into a sob.
Xander's face was still closed to her, his eyes cold. His lips curved in a humorless smile. "Why do I have the urge to quote Eminem?" His voice was harsh, and she could feel herself start to shake.
She tried to breathe normally and calm herself. Tried to keep from breaking down in front of Xander. Why did it have to be him? Of course he would hate her for this. He would never forgive her and she hadn't realized until this moment how much his support had always meant to her.
She heard a soft sigh and turned to Xander. His face seemed softer now, less pained.
"I'm sorry." His voice surprised her with its gentleness. "I had no right to say that." He walked toward her, his gaze locked with hers. She knew that her own eyes had to be as desperate as Spike's had been earlier. "Wanna talk about it?"
"Why aren't you yelling at me?" Her voice was laced with confusion and uncertainty.
"Because that's what I do when I think that you've screwed up." He was almost really smiling now. "I'm not 16 anymore, Buffy. I've grown up."
"But what I've been doing... how can you not hate me?" She tilted her head. "I've been fucking Spike. I've been..."
Now he did smile. He was directly in front of her and he reached out to brush some of her hair back.
"And that's all it was? Not love?"
"I could never love Spike! God, he's a monster."
"Then why sleep with him?" And Xander's voice was gentle and understanding and why hadn't she noticed how much he'd grown. Did loving Anya do this to him, she wondered, as she felt her eyes well up with tears again.
"I felt so lost."
"And we were the ones who'd brought you back. You couldn't turn to us." Buffy nodded, blinking as the tears started to silently fall.
"I wanted to... I felt so dead. And then he told me..." She trailed off, not wanting to share that, afraid that even now, it would make him turn from her. "Why are you so nice about this?"
"Hey, I'm marrying an ex-demon." Now his voice did have a touch of condemnation, towards himself.
"You love her."
"I owe her."
"What?" Buffy shook her head, utterly confused again.
"I'm the reason she's human. And I owe her this for what I did to Cordy." His voice soften even further. "I did love her. Just not as much as she deserved. And I love Anya. But I'm not in love with her. I like having sex with her. I think she's pretty. I like her. But I'm not in love with her."
He frowned and glanced away before continuing. "I hope she never knows that."
"I'm sorry." Buffy's voice was almost a whisper.
"You know, then?"
She looked into his eyes, lifting her hand to brush along his jaw.
"Always known." She took a deep breath. "You matter too much to me. You... everyone that I love gets destroyed. I never wanted to do that to you."
They stared into each other's eyes, unable to find any words.
And the silence surrounded them again.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2001-12-30 11:10 pm (UTC)Mah OTP!!
<- I'll be over here, crying for B/X
Thank yooooou! I can't remember the last time. Well... EVER! that I read coherent B/X fic. You rock.
Re:
Date: 2001-12-30 11:23 pm (UTC)*beams*
Thank you for the sweet words.