Stargate: One Part of Daniel's Journey (spoilers through 10x20 -- Unending)

[butterfly]

One of the things that I mentioned in my previous post is that Daniel is my One True Character for Stargate. There is no moment in canon where I disconnect from him, no moment where I don't feel like I understand him. For me, Stargate is entirely and completely Daniel's story. He is the catalyst for all of the action. He solves the Stargate, he unburies the gate of Abydos, he finds Atlantis, and he's the one who opened the door to let the Orii know that we existed.

Back when Origin aired, I wrote, "I'm half an inch away from shipping Daniel/Vala." I'm not sure when that half-inch became full-fledged shipping, but I've definitely seen the possibilities since the beginning of ninth season.

Part of the reason that it appeals to me is because of how Daniel reacts to her. He's so... explosive with Vala. In a way that he just isn't with anyone else. The only person we've seen him come close to reacting in the same way to is Jack. Another reason is because I'm so fond of bookends -- due South starts and ends with Fraser in Canada, and following the case of the murderer of one of his parents. Bookends and full circles make me happy and so Vala, as a former host, feels to me to hold some hope of closure about Sha're. And that's something that Jack, much as I love him, couldn't have done.

For me, the most painful and horrific season of the show is season four and season five is close. Because that's when Daniel seems to be most disconnected from the team and from life. That's the road that led to Meridian and ascension. For me, Jack and Sam openly flirting feels, in some ways, like a partial cause of why Daniel didn't have a safe place to go in S4. And... he got that part of it back in S5, got back that team-ness, but then he just kept losing to the universe and Daniel was so exhausted in S5. So damn tired. And, as we found out in Meridian, bearing the burden of feeling responsible for the capture, torture, and eventual death of his wife. God, no wonder he couldn't get over her. He'd have to begin to forgive himself first.

That's where ascension did help him. He made an active choice that he could help and went all out for it, even when it kicked him out of the 'enlightened' club. And that choice, even though he didn't know it at first, it made such a difference for him in season seven. He tells Teal'c in Orpheus that he finally feels like he belongs somewhere, for the first time. God, hearing him say that made my heart clench all tight. I really identify with Daniel a... scary amount, you do not even want to know, and him saying that made me so thrilled that he'd finally found his place and so terribly afraid that I would never find mine. And... if he'd been there, Jack might have been insulted, hearing Daniel say that now, after all that they've been through, much as Dean (Supernatural) would have been hurt to hear Sam say in In My Time of Dying that "we were just starting to be brothers again", but for Daniel... I understand his feelings. I live Daniel's feelings. What he appears to have is just what he wants to have, but he can't believe that it could possibly be real and he isn't quite willing to ask for proof. Also, wow, I felt very nearly the same way about Daniel having only seen seasons 1, 4, 5, and apparently a bit of 7, though that may have been entirely spoiled info, as I spoiled myself like crazy for Stargate when I first got into it (I just had to know). 

I remember season eight also feeling like such a turning point, because Daniel was actually flirting with people. He was actually making tentative steps to get over his grief for Sha're. And then season nine, where Daniel admits to being afraid. You're only afraid if you have something to lose. Daniel has people that he could lose to the Orii, Daniel has something that is confusing him and tearing him up inside and he doesn't want this pain again.

He barely survived losing Sha're. And that was a relationship that he stumbled into. With Vala, god, she's a flirt. She teases and she plays games and how the hell is Daniel supposed to know that she's serious about him? When she's married to someone that she clearly has feelings for and when she jokes around about sex all the time. When she's been playing this as a shallow thing from the start. I adore Vala and I completely understand why she acts the way she does around Daniel. Like Daniel, Vala is having an almost unprecedented emotion reaction and is trying to protect herself from it. And her way of dealing is being flip and pretending that it isn't a big deal. Because with Daniel and because of Daniel, Vala is vulnerable. He makes her care about how other people (and primarily Daniel) see her. If anyone else had said half the things that Daniel said in Unending, Vala would have said something. But this is Daniel and what Daniel thinks matters to her. Daniel's pain matters to her and she could see his hurt, even through her own heart breaking.

And that scene in Unending. I've watched it at least half a dozen times now. That is Daniel purging himself of his grief for his wife. His fears that her death had left a part of him broken. And it's Daniel laying out exactly why he's pushing Vala away and what mistaken beliefs that he's been holding about how she views him. It's something that's been building up in Daniel since Vala popped into his life and started driving him crazy.

Because Daniel had fallen so hard for Sha're by the time we met up with him in Children of the Gods. Losing her devastated him. Chasing after her for two and a half years (more than twice as long as they'd been together) and then losing her the way he did is a sure-fire recipe for being fucked up for a long time. And he was. He was fucked up for a long time. Hell, he's still fucked up, in a lot of ways. And, as I said once when talking about why people might not like him, he can definitely be an overbearing, arrogant asshole.

So, yes. Here is Daniel's rant, and the parts that made me wibble the most for him (as opposed to the parts that made me want to give Vala the biggest hug in the universe):

At the beginning, when she's trying to undo his pants, he pushes her away and asks her not to, but he's gentle about it. And then she starts talking.

Vala: "We've been here three months. Three months... you do like girls?... well, I don't see many other options around here, do you? Unless you really don't find me attractive." Everything in Vala's setup, everything, is all about sex. She's presenting it that way because she's afraid to make herself vulnerable, but, man, if she'd wanted to actively make Daniel feel like they'd just be using each other to scratch an itch, she couldn't have done better. And here, at this moment in time, when Daniel had just been sharing something that mattered to him emotionally (all they wanted was to live longer, life is too short), was so very much the wrong moment to bring sex into the equation. Because Daniel has been wanting Vala for so long and caring for her more than he wants to and her doing this to him, now, her bringing sex into this moment in time is what shatters his walls into tiny pieces and lets his pain all come tumbling out. Because sex is the least of what he wants to have with Vala. She sets it up so that it's all or nothing -- if you like girls, who else will it be? -- but all about sex and whether or not he finds her attractive. She hasn't said anything that implies they'd caring for each other, just that they'd have sex and it's about time.

Daniel: "Do you want an honest answer to that question?... no, seriously, you started this. Do you want an honest answer to the question?... Do you believe that I could have any kind of serious feelings for you?"

Vala: "I wasn't suggesting that you have serious feelings, Daniel."

Daniel: "Oh, Oh. So, what... we sleep together once, then what? We work together. You know, even saying that part out loud sounds unbelievable. I mean... come on, I mean I can't even imagine what... what a relationship with you would be like."

The interesting part to me is how briefly Daniel himself stays on the 'short-term' thing. He's the one who brings up 'serious' feelings, he's the one who brings up the possibility of a relationship. A quick roll in the sheets is the furthest thing from what he wants with Vala, so much so that even though that suggestion is what is fueling the anger that tears down his walls, he still doesn't stay there. Instead, his mind goes to the possibility of something long-term and the fear of how much that could hurt. 

Daniel: "I mean, yes, you've proven yourself to trustworthy... on a professional level and for that I am very proud of you, but on - on a personal level... Vala, come on, give me a break. At best you're a... an emotionally unstable wreck. And I'm not saying I'm much better. I'm not saying I'm much better. There was a time when I thought that I would - I would never... get over my wife. I mean, the idea of... of being hurt that way again. But I have finally gotten to the place - I have finally, for the first time in a long time, have gotten to the place where I actually feel like I could be close to somebody again. But not in a million years -- a million, million years -- would I ever consider that person being you. I mean, we are so completely opposite and wrong for each other. It's not even funny. And the worst part... the worst part about that is you know that. And that this whole flirty, sexual thing that you do, that's just your way of having a laugh at my expense. So, I'm so sorry if I'm not more appreciative of that and I'm so sorry that you're bored, but don't you pretend it's anything else."

For me, what stands out in this is how often Daniel pauses, how often he stumbles over his words, and the way he repeats himself. Vala has been completely tearing him up. For how long, I'm not quite sure, I'll have to rewatch to decide where I think he started wanting to be that close to her (and fighting it), but I'm sure it's been there since at least Memento Mori and the not-quite-a-date.

Regardless, these are words that Daniel has been holding back from saying for months. And here, they just spill out, all over each other and so baldly emotional and painful that it breaks my heart for both of them. And when his anger has been spent, Daniel is just... exhausted.

Daniel: "Don't act like you're hurt." And here, the anger is gone, leaving just the confusion and frustration that Daniel's been dealing with for months. And he looks over at her, still silent and putting her shirt back on. And... that's not really like Vala, not the one in Daniel's head, the one who just wanted some quick and easy sex, who didn't care more about Daniel than the other men that he's seen her flirt with. So, he goes over to her, and he looks at her, and he gets that confused and thoughtful furrow in his brow as he reaches out to her. And part of him starts thinking maybe. He kisses her and she kisses him back and whatever he finds in there is enough to fill his eyes with hope. "You better not be messing with me," he whispers before he kisses her again, wanting so much for Vala to want the same things that he does and hoping so badly that everything he said before was wrong (and not quite believing it yet -- it'll take time for him to believe it). But it's a beginning.

And while they forget everything, at the end, this time it's Vala who says, "Life's too short," not Daniel. And here, there is a different beginning. And there's hope.

The thing for me, the thing that makes me so damn happy, is that Daniel Jackson's story makes sense. Daniel's character evolves so much from season one to season ten, but it all feels like Daniel to me. His ethics and his ruthlessness and his idealism all provide a strong throughline for the character, despite all the ways that he's changed. As far as a journey for Daniel goes, I consider the ten season run of SG-1 a complete success. The show took him through grief and despair and need and hope. Friendship and loneliness and finally finding a place where he belongs.

I wish... I do wish that Jack had been slightly less closed in. I love Jack/Daniel fic, because I love Jack and having him be the person to heal Daniel's heart from the pain of losing Sha're always felt like the best of both worlds, considering how amazing and beautiful their friendship was. And Daniel needed Jack so much in the early seasons and I always... but I always felt that Jack had more 'in love' type of feelings for Daniel than the reverse. I don't see Daniel, on-screen, as all that attracted to Jack. But then... Daniel loves knowledge more than any person the show or fandom has paired him up with. In the past, his curiosity has always been greater than his attachment to the people around him. Perhaps it always will be. And maybe that's why I think Vala would suit him so well. Because she doesn't have any more attachment to a particular place than Daniel himself does. She could go with him in a way that Jack simply couldn't.

I don't... I certainly don't want to downplay the importance of the Jack/Daniel relationship. It is central to the early seasons and instrumental in how Daniel's character became who he is in our current seasons. And without Jack, I don't think Daniel would have ever gotten to a place where he could care about Vala the way he does (much as I think RayV's friendship with Fraser paved the way for RayK and Fraser's much more volatile and passionate relationship). Jack was Daniel's balancing stone and anchoring point for so much of the show. Even now (as in The Shroud), Daniel just expects Jack to understand, expects that connection to pull them through the tough places.

But there are places that Jack couldn't go. I started to realize that mid-season eight, when I started working on Be Like Water, which is my own canon for the Jack/Daniel relationship (for me, the "oh, fuck, Jack can't do this" moment comes in Endgame when he can't fire on the ship with Daniel in it and he hates himself for it -- it's an intensely slashy episode that left me unsurprised when Jack went to Washington in S9. He can't trust his choices around Daniel anymore.). So close, but never close enough. If everything is just the way it should be, why am I still hungry?

If Jack had pushed Daniel, the way that Vala did, would he have been the one to give Daniel a happy ending? Possibly, but possibly not, for all the reasons that Jack would never go there in the first place. Post-descension, Daniel was finally healing enough to give another person that place in his heart marked 'life-mate', the one that he always thought would belong to Sha're. Vala is the person who was willing to push past Daniel's walls, was the person who sparked against Daniel and made him feel passion (I speak here of extreme emotion, not specifically of love). Daniel could very well have fallen for someone else, but Vala was the one who got under his skin, who gave him no choice but to consider her as an option.

There's so much more I want to say about Daniel, about all of them, now that the series is complete (though we don't know how much the movies may change things, the movies will almost certainly play on a slightly different emotional level, as movies always do). The journey that Teal'c took -- from rebel to leader to just being who he chooses to be. Sam finally feeling completely at home in her own skin. Jack (oh, Jack) and the way he held things together until he couldn't anymore, because they took away his team and he never managed to fully adjust away from the mindset of being SG-1's leader. Cameron's hero worship, for SG-1 and the gate itself, and his self-awareness of his own need and his peace with that. Vala's search for the home she never knew she wanted, for people who would trust her and that she could trust. And Daniel, still knowledge first, but finally finding what he has always wanted -- a home, yes, but one where he can still learn and grow and travel. Finding hope again and learning how strongly friendship can bind and yet never chafe.

I love them all, so much.