Do you ever wish you could rewind time?

[butterfly]

It's not even that anything bad happened today, but... it's a bad day. Nothing I do feels right today, so I'm trying not to do anything. As you might imagine, that made work all kinds of fun.

First time in a while that I got all achy about wanting to cut. Didn't, but had that little voice in my head going, "Cutting makes it feel better." Hate that voice. Hate that it's true, even if it only lasts for a little while. But for that while, cutting makes me feel better.

I have two thickish lines where the color on my wrist is slightly darker. One has one line of lighter scar-tissue type color running through it and the other has two.

Those were my most major cut-zones and I don't think that it'll ever fade more than it has already.

Oddly, some days, I can see anything and everything that has to do with blood or cutting and I don't feel a twinge, but some days, it makes me jones. Makes me want. I once cut a railroad track shape across my wrist (major cut-zone one), though I had to keep wiping away blood to get the little lines as straight as possible.

I take rejection way more personally than I should. Always have. And some things that aren't actually rejections still feel that way.

I want to write on my skin in my own blood. I think these things. These things are inside me and no matter how far I get away from cutting, they'll always be there.

One of those things that just... you can't ever really shake, maybe. Sure, I could never cut again, but it'll always be an option to me, in the back of my head.

Why is this entry public?

I don't know. Some days, you want to show people the stuff you hate about yourself. Some days, you just...

Some days are just bad days.

I'm going to go curl up on my bed and rewatch the premieres for Angel and Smallville.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.