Connor and Nihilism
Dec. 18th, 2003 12:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
butterfly(Originally in a response thread to this post by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
masqthephlsphr.)
Nihilism is the belief that all values are baseless and that nothing can be known or communicated. It is often associated with extreme pessimism and a radical skepticism that condemns existence. A true nihilist would believe in nothing, have no loyalties, and no purpose other than, perhaps, an impulse to destroy.
Connor was in that space - though possibly not entirely, even at the end. He still placed value on Jasmine - they hadn't deserved her and love was a lie, but he still believed that she... loved.
"Jasmine believed you when you said you loved her, but it was all a lie.... She knew if you found out who she really was that you'd turn against her, and she was right. That's just what happened. People like you. People like this. None of you deserve what she could give you. She wanted to give you everything."
And you can turn that first part to be about Connor, talking about every time that love failed him - "I believed you when you said you loved me, but it was all a lie.... I knew if you found out who I really was that you'd turn against me, and I was right. That's just what happened." In a way, he is Jasmine, he identifies with her - because he, too, was the baby that people feared and hated before birth, the one that might bring about destruction or salvation. And, as he says, Jasmine was his - as he was Angel's miracle, Jasmine was his.
In a way, that leads to Connor's big damnation of his father -
Connor: "You tried to love me. At least I think you did."
Angel: "I still do."
Connor: "But not enough to hang on, dad."
Not just when Connor was a baby, but when Connor was a confused young man and Angel chose jealousy over helping his son (Habeas Corpses). When Angel didn't tell Connor about the plan to trap Cordy (Players). When Angel chose tough love over closeness (Deep Down). When Angel got Fred and Gunn to distract Connor while Angel went to see Holtz (Benediction).
Connor didn't need someone to watch over him from afar - he needed, to use Kate's words, someone to pick him up and rock him, to say that they wanted to keep him, someone to tell him that he was good and sweet.
And that's actually where I get 'beautiful lie', which I use so often in reference to Connor - "You couldn't even tell a scared little girl a beautiful lie." (Sense and Sensitivity) They both show the same longing there.
There are so many echoes in Joss's shows. Kate and her father echo Connor and Angel - the father obviously does love his child, but can't express it in the right way. For Kate, she just wanted her father to talk to her - to accept her words. Connor wanted his father to be there, to be physically there. When Angel tells Connor that he loves him and then kicks him out, Connor registers the action, not the words. Connor is very physical, very primal - and he doesn't know the way this world works. Actions are all he has ever been able to define his life with.
Angel makes a big mistake when he tries to reach out to Connor in Peace Out by thinking that Connor killed her to save Angel or the world - at this point, Connor has given up on trusting in 'good' or in 'love'.
In his soliloquy in Peace Out, Connor says that he knows that Jasmine is a lie, yet by Home, he's decided that the lie was everyone else. Everyone who turned on her when they saw her true face. He says that the only thing that ever changes anything is death - the reason that he killed his daughter? To free her from the lie that was love?
Connor tells Angel that he didn't feel anything, but that, too, is a lie, shown to us by his own actions and words - he does feel - he feels angry and hurt and betrayed. But he can't find anything good left in the world to balance any of that out. In Peace Out, he realizes that Cordy was only with him to bring forth Jasmine and that she only loved him to accomplish that goal. Cordy was the one thing that made him doubt in Jasmine's world - the reason that he abandoned his beliefs of good and evil - the reason that he brought an innocent girl to the slaughter. And then she was gone. She, too, didn't hang on.
The tragedy of Connor is that he couldn't believe in love in the absence. If someone isn't there for him, doesn't want to be near him physically, he can't believe that they care. For Connor, love is a physical thing - the man has to be holding his child in both arms for it to be acceptable to Connor (Home), whether or not it hurts. It's about holding on.
And in the end, he can't even reach that anymore. All he can see is pain and emptiness.
Everything's a lie. Death is the only thing that changes anything. Death is the final abandonment - no more lies of love. Death is a way to escape the fighting and the endless pain that was all Connor could see of life anymore. And death is real and known. Connor had been killing things since he was just a child. In the end, all Connor saw life as was a Destroyer - he couldn't see creation or renewal, just destruction and devastation.
Could he have been pulled from that hopeless mindset? Could he have been redeemed?
Ultimately, we don't know. Angel chose the shortcut. He chose to make Connor happy now and not think about any of that.
It would have been long and it would have been hard. The road to redemption is a rocky path. And you never reach the destination - that's something that Angel knows. It's a process that lasts a lifetime and he didn't want that for his son.
Every time that I think over Angel's choice, I come to the same conclusion - he did the wrong thing for the right reason (the opposite of Spike, who so often does the right thing for the wrong reason).
And I would have done the same.
masqthephlsphr.)Nihilism is the belief that all values are baseless and that nothing can be known or communicated. It is often associated with extreme pessimism and a radical skepticism that condemns existence. A true nihilist would believe in nothing, have no loyalties, and no purpose other than, perhaps, an impulse to destroy.
Connor was in that space - though possibly not entirely, even at the end. He still placed value on Jasmine - they hadn't deserved her and love was a lie, but he still believed that she... loved.
"Jasmine believed you when you said you loved her, but it was all a lie.... She knew if you found out who she really was that you'd turn against her, and she was right. That's just what happened. People like you. People like this. None of you deserve what she could give you. She wanted to give you everything."
And you can turn that first part to be about Connor, talking about every time that love failed him - "I believed you when you said you loved me, but it was all a lie.... I knew if you found out who I really was that you'd turn against me, and I was right. That's just what happened." In a way, he is Jasmine, he identifies with her - because he, too, was the baby that people feared and hated before birth, the one that might bring about destruction or salvation. And, as he says, Jasmine was his - as he was Angel's miracle, Jasmine was his.
In a way, that leads to Connor's big damnation of his father -
Connor: "You tried to love me. At least I think you did."
Angel: "I still do."
Connor: "But not enough to hang on, dad."
Not just when Connor was a baby, but when Connor was a confused young man and Angel chose jealousy over helping his son (Habeas Corpses). When Angel didn't tell Connor about the plan to trap Cordy (Players). When Angel chose tough love over closeness (Deep Down). When Angel got Fred and Gunn to distract Connor while Angel went to see Holtz (Benediction).
Connor didn't need someone to watch over him from afar - he needed, to use Kate's words, someone to pick him up and rock him, to say that they wanted to keep him, someone to tell him that he was good and sweet.
And that's actually where I get 'beautiful lie', which I use so often in reference to Connor - "You couldn't even tell a scared little girl a beautiful lie." (Sense and Sensitivity) They both show the same longing there.
There are so many echoes in Joss's shows. Kate and her father echo Connor and Angel - the father obviously does love his child, but can't express it in the right way. For Kate, she just wanted her father to talk to her - to accept her words. Connor wanted his father to be there, to be physically there. When Angel tells Connor that he loves him and then kicks him out, Connor registers the action, not the words. Connor is very physical, very primal - and he doesn't know the way this world works. Actions are all he has ever been able to define his life with.
Angel makes a big mistake when he tries to reach out to Connor in Peace Out by thinking that Connor killed her to save Angel or the world - at this point, Connor has given up on trusting in 'good' or in 'love'.
In his soliloquy in Peace Out, Connor says that he knows that Jasmine is a lie, yet by Home, he's decided that the lie was everyone else. Everyone who turned on her when they saw her true face. He says that the only thing that ever changes anything is death - the reason that he killed his daughter? To free her from the lie that was love?
Connor tells Angel that he didn't feel anything, but that, too, is a lie, shown to us by his own actions and words - he does feel - he feels angry and hurt and betrayed. But he can't find anything good left in the world to balance any of that out. In Peace Out, he realizes that Cordy was only with him to bring forth Jasmine and that she only loved him to accomplish that goal. Cordy was the one thing that made him doubt in Jasmine's world - the reason that he abandoned his beliefs of good and evil - the reason that he brought an innocent girl to the slaughter. And then she was gone. She, too, didn't hang on.
The tragedy of Connor is that he couldn't believe in love in the absence. If someone isn't there for him, doesn't want to be near him physically, he can't believe that they care. For Connor, love is a physical thing - the man has to be holding his child in both arms for it to be acceptable to Connor (Home), whether or not it hurts. It's about holding on.
And in the end, he can't even reach that anymore. All he can see is pain and emptiness.
Everything's a lie. Death is the only thing that changes anything. Death is the final abandonment - no more lies of love. Death is a way to escape the fighting and the endless pain that was all Connor could see of life anymore. And death is real and known. Connor had been killing things since he was just a child. In the end, all Connor saw life as was a Destroyer - he couldn't see creation or renewal, just destruction and devastation.
Could he have been pulled from that hopeless mindset? Could he have been redeemed?
Ultimately, we don't know. Angel chose the shortcut. He chose to make Connor happy now and not think about any of that.
It would have been long and it would have been hard. The road to redemption is a rocky path. And you never reach the destination - that's something that Angel knows. It's a process that lasts a lifetime and he didn't want that for his son.
Every time that I think over Angel's choice, I come to the same conclusion - he did the wrong thing for the right reason (the opposite of Spike, who so often does the right thing for the wrong reason).
And I would have done the same.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-18 06:23 am (UTC)Angel chose the shortcut.
And I want to see consequences for that choice, beyond Angel's own current malaise of the soul.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-18 03:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-18 06:41 am (UTC)*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-18 03:57 pm (UTC)*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-18 09:13 am (UTC)------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sigh.
Yea. Me too.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-18 03:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-18 12:22 pm (UTC)I just wanted to let you know how much I've enjoyed reading your journal lately. Your posts are so insightful and well put together and often end up getting me to look at aspects of the Buffyverse in a completely different way than I was before.
Thanks!
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-18 03:52 pm (UTC)