Angel 5x18 -- Origin

[butterfly]

Very, very intriguing episode. Connor's big good-bye. His swan song in the ME-verse.

The questions raised in this episode about memory and meaning and choice aren't new ones for the series, though we did get some personal answers this time.

"You can't be my mother."
"I have her memories, her feelings. Isn't that what makes a person who they are?"
-- Connor and Darla, Inside Out

Connor had the right to make his own choice. Yes, he made the same choice that Angel made for him, but this time he was the one who made it and that makes a world of difference.

"Hardly seems fair."
"Fair's not something we worry about."
"Maybe you should."
-- Connor and Angel, Origin

'Cling to the good, lay waste to the evil' -- Connor has a base of morality. That was part of what broke him the first time around. Each of his certainties were shattered, leaving him with rubble. But now, he has a foundation of love and trust and it doesn't matter that it began with a lie, because it's real now. You can only deal with the world as it is, not as it was. And how you deal with the world shows and builds what kind of person you are. It isn't just the big moments and it isn't just when the world ends. You are who you are over your entire life, not just in a single moment (and I misquoted that from Lex on Smallville, who took it from Rilke).

"And it is better. Not harsh and cruel —- the way that Angel likes it so he has a reason to fight. 'Cause you know that's what he's about, him and the others. Finding reasons to fight. Like that's what gives their lives any meaning. The only damn thing! I'm not like them. I just... I want to stop. Stop fighting. I just want to rest. God, I want to rest."
-- Connor, Peace Out

Here, he was offered the option. But it had to be an option, had to be a choice. Personally, I believe totally that he would choose the better lie. That's what he wants.

"I know she's a lie. Jasmine. My whole life's been built on them. I just... I guess I thought this one was better than the others."
-- Connor, Peace Out

He had a choice -- go back to the lie that his life was built on and be a healthy, well-adjusted young man, or go to Angel's world. The one where fighting isn't an option, because it's what you have to do to survive. He had a choice and he made it. He survived Angel's world and walked away. I don't blame him. All he knows of that world is blood and cold and loss. Torture and bloodshed and soul-tearing mistakes. And in his heart, Connor might be capable of killing -- he's very capable of it, whatever his state of mind -- he may be capable of killing, but he isn't a killer. And as Sahjahn said, he's a hell of a statement for free will.

"This whole fighting thing... I'm not really sure it's for me."
-- Connor, Origin

Angel, though, still thinks that he has the right to make executive decisions regarding other people's lives and minds. Why bring up the past if you don't have to? Because anyone involved in it has the right to know (this is also an issue that's being discussed over on Smallville in regards to Lex's missing memories). Wesley has the right to know that he has betrayed Angel. He has the right to know what he's capable of doing.

"He doesn't follow you any longer."
-- Illyria, Origin

Wesley had to know. He did and I don't think that he regrets knowing. He probably has all the same regrets that he had before his memory was switched, but I don't think that he regrets breaking the thought-box. It's very interesting that he's not holding Illyria responsible for Fred's death anymore. But he knows that Illyria didn't choose the vessel, and he's fascinated by it.

"Illyria can be... difficult."
-- Wesley, Origin

Illyria really does have an affection for Wesley that it simply doesn't have for any other being we've seen it communicate with. It cares enough to talk with him and ask about his frustration. And it doesn't suggest that Angel should kill Wesley -- it speaks directly to Spike when it says that in its day a subordinate would be killed for insolence. Wesley seems to exist outside category in its mind. Wesley is the only being that Illyria treats as an equal ("You don't worship me at all, do you?"). It really picked up on Wesley's disdain for Spike (which is intriguing, because you would think that he'd be fascinated by another vampire with a soul -- only, I think, he's been hostile partly out of loyalty to 'his' vampire with a soul, so the new revelation may change his attitude towards Spike). Illyria and Wesley have bonded, which I'm personally pleased over. They make a hell of a team, as I thought they would.

Gunn and Hamilton and Spike were all very interesting as well (Gunn's storyline even touched on the main one), but I'm a bit tired, so I'll explore it later.

"Now I just gotta figure out what 'my way' is."
"You're got your whole life for that."
"Might as well start now."
-- Connor and Angel, Origin

Comments

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

I also keep seeing the memories in terms of one of my major problems with the Dawn storyline. Connor can make his decision to either walk away or stay, not based only intellectual knowledge - but on memory and understanding of his life. Even now, the Monks programming has held in such a way that no one can remember life without Dawn, even though it was real, and even though they know she wasn't there.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

It's an interesting choice on the part of ME. Once memories have been created, they exist (even in the case of Connor, the memories still existed, they just couldn't access them). So once memories of a happy life for Connor or a little sister named Dawn are made, they can never be destroyed, though they could be repressed like the originals, I would assume.

It fits, really. Memories are memories, regardless of what really happened. People misremember things all the time, and even when they seen proof (say, a video) of what really happened, it doesn't change the memory, it just exists alongside it. From my (limited) understanding of pysch, at least. This is why eyewitness testimony is the least reliable.

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

Free will, indeed. I do love Connor's choice, and the fact that he was given the chance to make it freely. It'll be interesting to see what Wesley does now that he has all the facts.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's the choice that matter. I'm so glad that he got that. Because a choice is one of the most precious things that you can have (Darla, Inside Out -- "You have a choice. You'll never know how precious that is.").

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Great review underlining the key points of this episode-- thanks!

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. Glad that you liked it.

[luthienlupin.livejournal.com]

I came across this post in someone else memories, and I've just spent the past half an hour or so going through a bunch of your past posts. And, okay, yes, I admit this sounds a bit borderline stalkerlike; but I am just so in love with your mind right about now. You just manage to hit all the right points, for me at least, in all the reviews etc. that I've read so far. And I kind of want to go '*agrees!!*' for everything, but that seems kind of silly. Oh, and I'm awfully sorry for commenting on an old post, but I particularly loved this one. I suppose it is because I have some Connor-issues; and it, along with the Not Fade Away ones, made me teary. =((

ps - I just love the 3 words you've chosen for your fandoms in your sidebar. They're perfect, I think. Well, I'm not sure about the dS ones, but that's because I know nothing about that fandom.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow, no, I'm totally flattered. Connor's one of my favorite Angel-verse characters and I always enjoy thinking about him.

And one of the best things about livejournal is that no matter how long ago I posted, any new comments are still sent right to me. In other words, please, feel free to comment wherever. It's always a pleasure.