(no subject)
Aug. 10th, 2004 12:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
butterflySo, on Thursday, I get on a plane for Chicago for VividCon.
And now comes the panic part of the equation. Despite the fact that I've done this before (flown off on my own to a Different City -- I've been to both New York and Las Vegas), I'm certain that I'll forget my ticket or get stopped by security or somehow miss the plane in some other way. I always panic before Big Things, especially when they do mean so much to me.
Because y'all have no clue how much I'm looking forward to this Con. This is mostly because I haven't really talked about it. I'm a deeply private person (who could have guessed?) and there's this divide in my brain wherein it's okay to be happy/sad/thoughtful over fandom in public, but anything personal should be saved for when I'm alone. This is because I Have Issues (I have been to therapy, more than once, and what that did is help me identify the problem so that I could at least try to fight it). My instinctive reaction to personal contact is to shy away. So if I seem shy at first at VividCon, it's because I'm utterly and completely afraid of rejection. It has taken a lot of self-chatter to convince myself that I have the right to speak my opinion on lj, and it's really hard for me to do it in real life if I don't know a person well (I didn't start talking a lot at work until I'd been there months -- I spent several months sharing half a duplex with a nice woman and I spent most of my time there shut up in my room. I'm doing the same thing with this roommate.).
Terrified of rejection. Which is actually part of the reason I almost flunked out of high school. A fairly large part. It's my most crippling fault. I've done a lot of work to be as open and opinionated on lj as I am and it's still hard to post. Every time that I get a comment, from anyone, I expect it to be someone that'll hurt. Despite the fact that this has very rarely happened.
Anyway, that's a warning for the people at VividCon. Shy, paranoid, and troubled, that's me.
Ooo! I got the cutest new glasses last week. I haven't worn glasses for a couple of years, but I'm liking them much better this time around. And I went and got my hair cut, so it's up off my shoulders again (hairline, actually, with the front a touch angled and with an... undercut, so that my hair falls right into place - seriously, all I have to do is run a hand over my hair and it's, like, perfect. Very convenient.).
And now comes the panic part of the equation. Despite the fact that I've done this before (flown off on my own to a Different City -- I've been to both New York and Las Vegas), I'm certain that I'll forget my ticket or get stopped by security or somehow miss the plane in some other way. I always panic before Big Things, especially when they do mean so much to me.
Because y'all have no clue how much I'm looking forward to this Con. This is mostly because I haven't really talked about it. I'm a deeply private person (who could have guessed?) and there's this divide in my brain wherein it's okay to be happy/sad/thoughtful over fandom in public, but anything personal should be saved for when I'm alone. This is because I Have Issues (I have been to therapy, more than once, and what that did is help me identify the problem so that I could at least try to fight it). My instinctive reaction to personal contact is to shy away. So if I seem shy at first at VividCon, it's because I'm utterly and completely afraid of rejection. It has taken a lot of self-chatter to convince myself that I have the right to speak my opinion on lj, and it's really hard for me to do it in real life if I don't know a person well (I didn't start talking a lot at work until I'd been there months -- I spent several months sharing half a duplex with a nice woman and I spent most of my time there shut up in my room. I'm doing the same thing with this roommate.).
Terrified of rejection. Which is actually part of the reason I almost flunked out of high school. A fairly large part. It's my most crippling fault. I've done a lot of work to be as open and opinionated on lj as I am and it's still hard to post. Every time that I get a comment, from anyone, I expect it to be someone that'll hurt. Despite the fact that this has very rarely happened.
Anyway, that's a warning for the people at VividCon. Shy, paranoid, and troubled, that's me.
Ooo! I got the cutest new glasses last week. I haven't worn glasses for a couple of years, but I'm liking them much better this time around. And I went and got my hair cut, so it's up off my shoulders again (hairline, actually, with the front a touch angled and with an... undercut, so that my hair falls right into place - seriously, all I have to do is run a hand over my hair and it's, like, perfect. Very convenient.).
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-10 07:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-10 08:34 pm (UTC)Eeep! A hundred people. I will die of shyness.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-10 08:24 pm (UTC)Aww, you're so cute and innocent. You'd have gone crazy if you'd had to do the Four Countries In One Day With 29 Hours And No Dinner thing I did in 2002. All on my own. With US Customs being arseholes.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-10 08:35 pm (UTC)Aren't they always?
But yeah, sounds stressful. I like to go other places, but I'm not a big fan of traveling.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-10 08:45 pm (UTC)(Apparently the small clump of Icelandic lichen I had picked up in my very, very long Ireland-UK-Iceland-America day might have "foreign critters" in it. I wouldn't have minded so much if the first guy had told me to throw it out, rather than marking my card with a big A for Agricultural Violation and having somebody else pull me out of line to berate me.)
I picked some more up on the way home, and nobody in Keflavík, Heathrow or Dublin airports gave a rat's ass.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-10 08:37 pm (UTC)Sigh. I so get your shyness issues. But I'm very glad you have worked on being open on LJ, because your posts always make me think and I'm glad you're writing them :)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-11 05:01 pm (UTC)Most fandom people who are on lj are just lovely people, so that probably helps.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-10 09:33 pm (UTC)I'm hoping I won't be as wound up as I was last year, but if you see a girl wearing my badge kinda staring into space and looking totally lost - don't think I am a total spaz. I just tend to spaz when excited. Most of the time I am calm and collected.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-11 05:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-10 10:41 pm (UTC)But VividCon still sounds like a porn convention to me. Sorry.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-11 05:03 pm (UTC)Hee. In some ways, you're not wrong on that.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-10 11:01 pm (UTC)That'll be me, and please please come up and introduce yourself, and I will probably go into a mad round of introducing you to everyone else, because at cons I shed my introvert-self like a hair shirt and turn into some bizarre version of the Cruise Director on the Love Boat.
(Please do find me, I really want to meet you!)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-11 11:19 am (UTC)I'm just saying.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-11 05:04 pm (UTC)*looks innocent*
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-11 05:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-11 12:42 pm (UTC)Embrace the rejection of shallow fools!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-11 05:04 pm (UTC)Hey whats up?
Date: 2004-08-11 07:31 pm (UTC)