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Shame and Guilt - Wesley and Andrew
Feb. 3rd, 2004 03:39 pmThis all stems from something that I learned in counseling - shame is other-based, guilt is self-based. Shame is when you feel bad because you violated society's rules and you feel the society looking down on you because of it. Guilt is when you feel bad because you've violated a personal code.
Now, and this is key - shame is almost never necessary - shame doesn't motivate change, it motivates repression. Guilt, on the other hand, tends to be much more useful.
For example, self-injury is looked down on by society - the reaction by SI'ers is not to stop hurting themselves, but to hide the results. And this is doubly bad, because not only is the damage still happening but it isn't being dealt with by the individual or the society. That's shame.
Andrew and Wesley (S4, BtVS) act much the same, but their reasons are very different. Andrew is just the way he is - he doesn't try to excuse himself or change himself. Wesley, on the other hand, was the way he was because he was trying to live up to his father's expectations and not embarrass himself. Andrew kills Jonathan and spends a lot of time trying to convince himself that it was out of love. Andrew's motivation is inner - he needs to believe that he acted in the right way. When he realizes the truth of his actions, guilt is what overwhelms him. He knows he did wrong.
Wesley stole Connor. In return, he was punished and shamed out of his community. All of that came from outside himself. He made a mistake, but I doubt that Wesley thinks that, given the information that he had, that he should have done anything other than he did. Another great example of what shame does to a person - Wesley in Lineage.
Shame versus guilt. Andrew has the acceptance and trust of the Scoobies because he has shown that he a) knows in his own heart that what he did was wrong and b) that when placed in a similar situation, he'll make the other choice now. Wesley does not have Angel's full trust and he doesn't even know what he did wrong anymore.
Now, and this is key - shame is almost never necessary - shame doesn't motivate change, it motivates repression. Guilt, on the other hand, tends to be much more useful.
For example, self-injury is looked down on by society - the reaction by SI'ers is not to stop hurting themselves, but to hide the results. And this is doubly bad, because not only is the damage still happening but it isn't being dealt with by the individual or the society. That's shame.
Andrew and Wesley (S4, BtVS) act much the same, but their reasons are very different. Andrew is just the way he is - he doesn't try to excuse himself or change himself. Wesley, on the other hand, was the way he was because he was trying to live up to his father's expectations and not embarrass himself. Andrew kills Jonathan and spends a lot of time trying to convince himself that it was out of love. Andrew's motivation is inner - he needs to believe that he acted in the right way. When he realizes the truth of his actions, guilt is what overwhelms him. He knows he did wrong.
Wesley stole Connor. In return, he was punished and shamed out of his community. All of that came from outside himself. He made a mistake, but I doubt that Wesley thinks that, given the information that he had, that he should have done anything other than he did. Another great example of what shame does to a person - Wesley in Lineage.
Shame versus guilt. Andrew has the acceptance and trust of the Scoobies because he has shown that he a) knows in his own heart that what he did was wrong and b) that when placed in a similar situation, he'll make the other choice now. Wesley does not have Angel's full trust and he doesn't even know what he did wrong anymore.