*yawn*

I really enjoyed tonight's television. Since I worked late, I set up my vcr to record SV and AtS. Both were good.

Some things so obvious that they don't count as spoilers - Lana continues to annoy me. Wesley continues to be very pretty.

Will say more after I rewatch tomorrow.

Andromeda starts Saturday and I'm also thinking of checking out Tarzan, as the lead looks hot.

*has no shame*

Do you ever wish you could rewind time?

It's not even that anything bad happened today, but... it's a bad day. Nothing I do feels right today, so I'm trying not to do anything. As you might imagine, that made work all kinds of fun.
( cut for graphic self-injury thoughts )

Why is this entry public?

I don't know. Some days, you want to show people the stuff you hate about yourself. Some days, you just...

Some days are just bad days.

I'm going to go curl up on my bed and rewatch the premieres for Angel and Smallville.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Almost a continuation of the last post...

In the interests of letting people maybe know why I've been a bit off lately, I'm going to talk a little.

I kinda lied when I said today wasn't bad. It was, but bad in a way that reaches before today.

I found out a few days ago that a cousin of mine died. He was found in his house several days after he actually died. He was fifty-four.

You know, I never even met him in person, though I did stay in his house once. It was gorgeous... like, museum-type coolness, because it was like, a monument to his parents. He had some amazing old books and the house was surrounded by woods and fog. It was like stumbling into a dream.

The house is probably going to be sold off and all his stuff just... given to Goodwill or auctioned off because he hadn't changed his will since, like 1964 (Okay, that may be a slight exaggeration... but a long time. Before mom's dad died, so, before I was alive. Which, granted, was '82.).

All that history. Lost.

And I guess I've just been thinking a lot about that these last few days. How fragile life is and how easily it can be taken away. It's been on my mind a lot. But I like to hide away from the pain and the uncertainty and pretend that everything is okay. And that people don't die before you even got a chance to... I was planning on spending some time with him sometime - actually meeting him face-to-face, getting to know him, getting to know more about the family history. It was an actual plan on both sides.

And now I never will. I'll never meet him.

Things can just be taken away so fast.

And now I'm reminded as to why I don't post this stuff on here, because I'm crying, which I kinda hate and which I'd avoided up until now.

Talking about it, writing about it. That makes it real.

Real is scary.

Which is maybe why I tried working some of this stuff out fictionally.
( rpg-specific stuff )