On the subject of fear...

[butterfly]

There, at the end of the year? That was a bad time. October of 2003 is when the RPG/glossing thing happened. And then came the repression and the denial.

Really, the worst part is the way I reacted to my pain -- I basically retreated to a small cave to lick my wounds. So, I stopped posting in the RPG, completely blew off my fic for Don We Now Our Gay Apparel (and I never had the courage to really go back into popslash fandom after that -- I was so disappointed in myself for that), and generally let myself slide down for quite a while... I didn't really start to feel good again about myself until the big thing a while back where people talked about how they'd been glossed, too.

The thing that kills me? I was so damn happy for the months leading up to that moment. Then, I felt like my life dropped out from under me (again) and I let it happen (again). I let myself be defined by someone else's view of me. Again! I hadn't learnt a thing from high school!

It does seem that we must learn the same lessons over and over, until they stick.

Because things fall away. They always do. And it doesn't help to run away. It doesn't help to hide. That doesn't diminish the pain, it only delays it.

"I'm lost, too. I'm going to be stuck in the basement, aren't I, that's... my, that's my - terrible and alone and dark - and I've lied about who I am, and where I am, and so nobody can ever find me."
Tom Ripley, The Talented Mr. Ripley

Because I had invested so much of myself in what other people thought about me, the idea that they had seen (what I saw as) the truth, had seen what a worthless person I was... it was utterly horrifying. And if one person had seen the truth, if this group of people had seen the truth, then eventually, everyone would.

My flist was, apart from my (dysfunctional) family, my only emotional connection in the world. My family and you guys, that was it. The idea of losing one of the two things that I felt cared about me back... I broke down at the thought. I was defensive and scared and lost for months.

"You can't be saved by a lie. You can't be saved at all."
(Connor, Home)

That's the fear, the deep and terrible fear that clings to the soul. That if anyone knew you, really knew you, they would either turn away in disgust or be consumed by the monsters in the basement. So, you're lost -- terrible and alone and dark. That's what fascinates me about Tom, about Connor, about Anakin. Because that fear is something that I've felt so strongly at various points in my life.

You feel that you have to lie, because you aren't good enough.

It's a lonely place to be, and a dangerous one.

I've felt that urge to lash out, to hurt someone, just so that someone else can be hurting as much as I am. The difference between myself and the guys above is not that I can handle my fears, but that instead of lashing outward, I tend to twist inward, hurting myself instead of the world.

This is the lesson that I'm unlearning, how to handle my fears instead of cutting myself with them. What I need to do is learn how to let go of the things that wrap me up, the things that entrap me. It's the shame that binds me at the throat, the fear of losing the goodwill and affection of the people that I know. Because of this fear, I've done some damn stupid things. And what I tried hardest was to let people down, show that I wasn't worth the effort.

People still seemed to think that I was, and I didn't understand, but I was afraid of losing that affection. Because I didn't see anything of value in myself, it was impossible for me to hold the opinion that their affection (your affection) was worth the metaphorical paper it was written on. Because my self-esteem was entirely supported by other people, I feared that loss. Feared rejection and thus (illogically, as often happens) pulled away first.

Because I was terrified of being alone, of failing. I pretty much just pushed all that fear away, pretended that it wasn't there, leaving it to sneak up on me when I wasn't paying attention. For over a year, I was scared when I clicked on new comments, terrified that someone else would have seen something in me that they didn't like. I was so scared of being found out.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
(Dune)

How many times do I have to learn the same lesson? Until I finally choose a different path. And I'm not there yet.

But I think that I'm closer.

2004 has a better ending than 2003. Happier. That'll be more fun to go through and tag. The beginnings of my love for Stargate. The joy of VividCon. Lots of good things happened in 2004. Which was good, because I really needed it. But I was still limping, a lot of 2004, doing my best to smile through the pain. This doesn't mean that there weren't times when I was happy, but I never felt as though I deserved it. But I am starting to believe that I deserve to be happy.

Got through the bad times, managed to reconnect with some of what I'd managed to lose during the worst. I did better this time than the first. That's a good thing.

Comments

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

What you say about paths is something I try to keep in mind. We have to keep travelling and exploring, or else we stagnate. But it can be so hard when we trip and fall. I hope the value with which you regard yourself has risen, because you're one of the most thoughtful people I know.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

I hope the value with which you regard yourself has risen, because you're one of the most thoughtful people I know.

Thank you. I definitely have a stronger appreciation for my good traits and my talents than I have for many years.

[ros-fod.livejournal.com]

now with making sense and everything

I'm so glad that 2004 was better, and I hope that 2005 will be even more so.

You're loved.

Got through the bad times, managed to reconnect with some of what I'd managed to lose during the worst. I did better this time than the first. That's a good thing.

It's an *excellent* thing. Some people aren't even aware that there's a cycle. I know I wasn't, for a long time.

Also? Time will tell, you know, when it comes to people like glossing. The truth surfaces. I'm still sorry it took so long in this case, but I'm grateful that it's worked out the way it has.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

You're loved.

Love you, too.

It's an *excellent* thing. Some people aren't even aware that there's a cycle. I know I wasn't, for a long time.

This is one of the reasons that I love BtVS S6 -- I could see the repeating rise and fall and realise that it wasn't just me. That this is a human trait.

Also? Time will tell, you know, when it comes to people like glossing. The truth surfaces. I'm still sorry it took so long in this case, but I'm grateful that it's worked out the way it has.

Yet, I tend to hope that people can change for the better. Though they only tend to when they have reason. Still, a few people on my flist are still friends with glossing and... I don't want them to ever get burned, you know? I worry, sometimes, because the longer you've been a part of something, the harder it is if it goes away. Attachment.