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butterflyTitle: Tangled Up
Summary: See, it all starts with a kiss - no, wait, that's wrong. It starts before that. It starts with a misunderstanding.
Pairings: Kris/Adam; Kris/Katy, implied Adam/Drake
Rating: R
Notes: Word count: ~7,700. Set during S8 of American Idol. Much love to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jetaimerai for helping me break my writer's block and encouraging me as I finished this story.
Tangled Up
The problem is that Adam's gay.
No, that's not... that's not quite right.
The problem is that Adam is attracted to Kris.
It's not a secret. Kris is pretty sure that everyone knows: the judges; the other contestants; all the random people who work on the show. Adam's never tried to hide being gay and the week that those pictures of him with his ex came out, Matt did a little digging and presented Kris with a picture of said ex without makeup, looking (Matt said) like a creepy Kris-clone. And then Matt tacked his little picture comparison up on a board in the lobby, where it stayed until one of the staffers took it down and then had a talk with Matt in the corner.
Though it's not exactly the case that those pictures were Kris's first clue that Adam was attracted to him.
The first time they met had gone something like this:
"Wow, there's a lot of people here," Kris said, not really to anyone in particular, but kinda hoping that the tall guy in front of him would hear – there was something about him. Something... comforting. And Kris had met a lot of his college friends by randomly talking in public and getting someone to talk back.
Then the guy – Adam – turned around, eyes sharpening with interest – and Kris noticed, even then, how remarkable Adam's eyes were, especially when they focused directly at someone.
"Probably looks like more people because you're a little short," Adam said, but it hadn't felt like an insult, not with the way Adam's tongue darted out to wet his mouth and the way his eyes swept over Kris's body. "Gotten your room assignment yet?"
"Yeah, I d-did." Kris's words turned into a stutter when Adam stepped a little closer. "I'm with a guy called Matt."
"Hmm, I'll have to talk with my mom about giving me the wrong name," Adam said, and he introduced himself, his fingers lingering against Kris's wrist when they shook hands.
Then someone said Adam's name and he was gone, and Kris hadn't ever mentioned that he was married.
He's heard that first impressions are the most important. Kris is pretty much aware that Adam was attracted to him the moment that they met, and he kinda thinks that, maybe, without meaning to, he gave Adam the impression that he was available.
Because when Adam does find out that Kris is married, he doesn't change the way he acts around Kris at all.
And no one's ever really treated Kris the way that Adam does.
He's been flirted with, sure, a few guys even flirted with him at college. But this thing with Adam, it goes deeper than flirting. To begin with, they're friends. No, that's actually not a good place to start-
To begin with, Adam kissed him.
It was half-way through Hollywood week.
Kris hadn't mentioned that whole... married thing yet. He and Adam had talked a couple of times since their first meeting and Adam had managed to drop a few pieces of information into their conversations – that Adam lived nearby and had kept his apartment for now was something that he mentioned more than once. Kris got a little curious, maybe, since Adam had said how much he'd toned down his look for Idol, and Adam had invited him to drop by during evening break, when they were supposed to be heading back to the hotel.
So, he found himself in Adam's apartment that night, a tiny little place that Adam complained about cheerfully.
"This is why I'm going for that prize," Adam said, pouring Kris a cup of tea. "So that I can get out of places like this and get into... well. An actual house would be a nice start. What about you?"
"I just want to make music," Kris said and he tried to keep himself under control but the ache and the longing had been impossible to hide. "I was- I already know that I'm not going to make it... probably not even to tour, but maybe I can use getting here as a way to get more gigs. I just- I don't have the best voice, but this is what I love."
"Oh, honey," Adam said, and he took the tea away from Kris's trembling fingers and he was tilting Kris's head up and... it was the softest, sweetest kiss that Kris had ever had. "You have a very pretty voice, Kris." Adam stroked his cheek and Kris just stared at him, lips parted. "Yeah, you could use a little training, but your tone is beautiful. We should practice together – I can teach you some good techniques."
"Adam," Kris said, and the next words should have been we can't; I'm married, because it was obvious that Adam wanted more than to give him voice lessons. "Adam. You could go all the way. Don't get distracted by me. I'm not-"
Another kiss, one that left Kris breathless after.
"You're right. At least for now. We should get back to the hotel before we go too far," Adam said and Kris nodded, and he hadn't known how to tell Adam what he needed to know.
That had happened the next day, when Simon had asked him why he was there.
His answer – that he didn't want to be a househusband all his life – it made Simon laugh, but the more important reaction was the one that Kris searched for in the audience. He couldn't read Adam's face, but he hoped – so badly – that his own showed that he wasn't trying to hurt Adam.
He just hadn't been able to find the words when they were face-to-face.
The next time they were relatively alone together, Adam had reached out and touched his left hand and Kris had let him pick it up and roll his thumb over Kris's ring.
"I'm sorry," Kris said, and he wasn't sure whether he was apologizing for leading Adam on or... or apologizing for being married.
"I just thought you liked jewelry," Adam said, his fingers brushing against one of Kris's bracelets. "What's the name of the lucky... is it a girl?"
"Yeah," Kris breathed, and he could feel his pulse jumping under Adam's touch. "Her name is- it's Katy. If I make it to semi-finals, she's coming out to see me perform."
"Katy," Adam repeated. "Katy Allen. That's pretty."
"So is she," Kris said, and it was inane and stupid, but Adam actually smiled a little and he was still holding onto Kris's hand.
"Tell me what Katy Allen looks like," Adam said. "So that I recognize her when she comes to visit."
"Um. She has blonde hair," Kris said and Adam was staring down at him, and his eyes looked bluer than normal, even more intense. "It's really pretty. Her eyes are- um. They're." Adam's lips twitched and it wasn't that Kris had- it wasn't that Kris couldn't remember what Katy looked like. It was just that, at that particular moment in time, he didn't seem to have a handle on the precise details. "They're pretty."
"Blonde and pretty, huh?" Adam said. "Well, it's not like we have many of those in L.A."
"Short," Kris blurted out. "She's short."
"Hmm," was Adam's only response. Then, "That offer's still open. About doing voice exercises together."
Adam told him later that that he had decided to back off after he'd heard Kris say that he was married, but Kris's reaction to him had drawn him back for more.
It's something of a familiar story. Even now, all either of them needs to do is back away, but that seems to be the only thing that they aren't capable of – so, instead, they play this dangerous game. And, one day, they're going to slip up and everyone is going to know.
But it's just harmless kissing, at the beginning.
Because the kissing doesn't stop after Adam finds out about Katy.
Maybe Adam kept waiting for Kris to object or push him away or... hell, avoid being alone with him. But Kris let Adam maneuver him into empty closets and behind locked doors and when Adam kissed him, Kris kissed back, and when he called Katy on the phone at night, he didn't say a word about any of the things that mattered most.
When Adam and Katy finally met each other, Kris had been expecting- he still doesn't know. But something. She told Kris how impressed she was with Adam's voice and Adam told him that Katy seemed really sweet, and then Adam had tugged him into the bathroom and pulled Kris onto his lap, and they hadn't kissed that time – Adam just pressed his forehead against Kris's and they stayed that way until it was time to go get ready for the show.
So, really, it started a long time ago.
The kissing and the feelings and everything that Kris didn't mention when he and Katy would sneak off for moments together. He didn't even write it down in his journal, not directly, though he wrote around it, about how close he and Adam were getting as friends and about how he thought that, maybe, he wanted Adam to stay in his life for a really long time.
But he loved his wife. He knew that, a kernel of something true, something from before Idol had shaken his life upside down.
When he kissed Adam, that feeling dropped away and it was just the two of them, like Katy didn't even exist. And when he was with Katy, he could almost make himself forget the way Adam made him feel, all shaken up and somebody new.
The problem, he thinks... the problem is that once he and Adam made it into the finals, they went into the mansion. At least when he and Adam shared the hotel room, Katy had come over, filling up the room with her perfume so that it smelled a little like her even when she wasn't there. But Katy wasn't allowed in the mansion, so when Kris got worried or a little nervous, his choice was between calling Katy - which he did, every night, but it was just her voice and not her - or turning to Adam, who was there for him, always right there.
And if Adam's comfort came with light kisses and hands that were so gentle as they slid under his clothes... well, it was only while they were in the mansion and it wasn't like he thought it would last. Neither of them did. Well, Kris was sure that Adam must have assumed that, too, though they hadn't gotten around to talking about it.
But the thing is, by that time, people were noticing. Like Matt with his little collages about Adam's ex-boyfriend. Like Anoop, who had slipped a couple of brochures into Kris's pocket about 'coming out' and 'embracing his inner self' and Kris hadn't been able to think of how to tell Anoop that he knew who he was, thanks, and he wasn't- he was married, but that had gone fine because Adam had found the brochures - and hilariously read them out to Kris in an overly-dramatic tone of voice - and when Kris had explained about Anoop, Adam had promised to take care of it.
Anoop hadn't mentioned it to Kris since, not even when some fans started up about the idea of 'Kradam'.
Katy had talked to him about it, a few weeks back during a private time they'd managed to sneak, the night before he'd done that Don Henley number that had fallen flat. Not just Kradam, of course. She'd talked about how cute it was that he'd bonded so well with Matt and with Adam, and about how some of his internet fans took the whole thing way too far. He'd mumbled some kind of agreement, but it had thrown him off for the rest of the day, and he'd had to use his fingers to bring her off.
Adam had known something was wrong that night without Kris even needing to say a word, and he'd let Kris pretend that it was all about his song and his nerves, and Kris had been able to distract himself listening to Adam sing his song for the week, haunting and perfect.
The point, though... the point that Kris is trying to get straight in his head, is that Adam has been Kris's comfort during the show, and he thinks that he's managed to be the same thing for Adam, but that didn't mean anything in the real world. In the real world, he and Adam were friends and Katy was his wife and those were the things that mattered. If Adam were- were like Kris, then it wouldn't even be an issue. It hadn't ever been an issue before.
Which takes him back to where he started - the problem is that Adam is gay and Adam has a boyfriend and Adam's out with his boyfriend right now, which Kris knows because he texted Adam just ten minutes ago and got back the answer - shopping w drake; want me 2 get u something? - and it shouldn't feel like a slap in the face. Adam was great about Katy, never said anything to make her feel uncomfortable or like a third wheel, so Kris needed to be able to do the same with Drake.
Only it was different, because Adam was going to come out... officially come out... when the show was over in a couple of weeks. Drake was part of the big reveal; Adam had told Kris all about it just last night. Drake and Rolling Stone were going to add up to one big 'duh' for the American people.
Adam had told him softly, stroking a hand along Kris's spine, skin on skin. And Kris had wriggled a little closer, pressed his mouth against Adam's shoulder and sucked, leaving a mark and only dimly thinking about the fact that Adam would have to explain it to Drake later. Though they weren't exclusive, Adam said. Drake was seeing someone else.
Kris didn't quite know how Adam could stand it, being with Drake and knowing that he was with other people, too. How it couldn't set up this itchy unsettling need inside Adam to have Drake all to himself. Katy had dated other people during the times she and Kris had been broken up and even thinking about it had driven Kris a little crazy, distracting him from his classes and making him write song after song, most of which never saw the light of day.
Maybe love is better Adam's way, maybe it's cleaner and more open and more like God. Kris doesn't think he could do it, though, doesn't think he can-
Kris fiddles with his phone and tries to decide whether or not to call Katy. If Adam is shopping, he'll be gone for hours. Kris has already picked out his outfits for this round - he almost can't believe he's really going to meet Slash. Fuck, he can't believe that he's Top Four. His outfit is the least of his worries, with the competition so close to the end. Allison and Adam are going to sail through this week with no problems, which means that it's between Kris and Danny. Kris isn't sure he's going to make it through that.
And he's not quite ready for this to be over yet.
In the end, he doesn't call Katy - he decides that he'll just talk to her that night, like always. If he calls in the middle of the day, she'll just think something's wrong and there's nothing that he can say that'll even make any sense. Plus, Katy said, on the one occasion that the topic came up, that Drake and Adam seemed perfect for each other. Kris loves his wife, but there are some things she doesn't understand and the details of Adam and Drake's arrangement is definitely one of those things.
Instead, he goes upstairs, knocks on Allison's door and spends a few hours brushing up on his Spanish with Alli and her mom. If Adam is his favorite person in Los Angeles, Allison runs a close second. Her mom is pretty awesome, too, and she trusts Kris and Adam around her little girl as if they really were Allison's brothers. And it's relaxing, to just lie on the extra bed in Alli's room and let his tongue tangle up in the words and not feel like he's expected to get everything right. Kris loses track of time, so it's a nice surprise when Adam sticks his head in the door and grins at them.
"Who wants to see my new outfit?" Adam asks, and he's waving an over-stuffed plastic bag at them.
After the impromptu fashion show, Kris goes back down to the basement with Adam. He probably should get together with Danny to finish hashing out their duet, but Kris is just so damn relieved that they'd actually managed to pick a song that he doesn't want to tempt fate by working on it too much. So, he lays out what he's planning to do with "Come Together" for Adam, pulling out his guitar so that he can get into it - it's not finalized, of course, not with the mentorship still happening tomorrow, but Kris has a pretty clear idea of what he wants.
Kris's phone buzzes while he and Adam are talking after, and it's - it's Katy, so Kris has to take it.
Adam's actually the one who notices it go off and he picks it up and reads off her name lightly and he hands it to Kris with this smile that Kris can't even - indulgent, maybe? Tolerant?
Katy, though, is sounding a little frustrated.
"And you know how I normally don't even pay attention to her," Katy says, as if Kris is supposed to understand what's going on when she didn't even say hello. "But she still doesn't think you're worth voting for and... okay, so this week isn't going to be your best week, we both know that, but you've got good will built up and I'm sure you can make it through and-" Ah. Kris knows who they're talking about now.
"I'm not crying myself to sleep because your mother isn't voting for me," he says. He barely registers Adam's arm slipping around his shoulders, but he finds himself leaning into the touch. "Seriously, Katybug, don't freak out."
"I don't know how it doesn't bother you," Katy says and he can just picture her, with her hand on her hip and that indignant look she gets when someone she cares about is being wronged. Of course, she's not mentioning that if he did get annoyed at her mother, she'd be the first person to come up with a defense. Kris learned a long time ago that only Katy was allowed to be mad at her mom. "I just spent about an hour on the phone with her and she's just so convinced that you're going home this week and I-" Katy sighs, quiet and a little sad. "I don't think she's right, I don't. But I was thinking..."
Kris doesn't realize that he's tensed up until he feels Adam's hand rubbing on his back, firm and calming between his shoulders. Katy goes on, talking about some ideas that she's been having about what they should do next, but Kris has heard it all before - she's been trying to get him to definitively say, one way or the other, whether or not he wants them to move to LA and he... he can't answer that right now. He just can't.
He makes some vaguely affirmative noises, just trying to wait out the tide of words. Finally, she asks him, "How are your rehearsals going?" which is the beginning of the call winding down. Less than ten minutes later, she's telling him to sleep well and he wishes her the same back.
Adam presses a comforting kiss against Kris's temple and it's easy to melt back into him. Adam touches slow and gentle and it's so simple when Kris isn't thinking about it, when he just lets it happen.
"Do you ever wish-" Kris's voice is a little smoky and rough, and he has to pause to clear his throat. "Do you ever wish that we could stay here forever? That the show would never end?"
They're lying back on the bed now - they'll crawl between the sheets eventually, but Kris is good with where he is at the moment, tucked up on his side next to Adam, with Adam's arm wrapped around him. The door is locked - Adam always remembers to lock it - and no one has ever tried to burst in on them, anyway.
"Oh, honey, never," Adam says, and he sounds horrified. Kris's breath catches and he blinks a little too hard, and Adam must have felt him freeze up for a second, because Adam is tipping up Kris's chin and kissing him, won't let him go even when Kris tries to pull away, stays until Kris is kissing back, open and wet. He's mumbling something against Kris's mouth, but Kris can't make out the words. Then Adam pulls back, brushes his thumb over Kris's lip, and says, "I know it's different for you. I do. I know that you can't- well, that you're going to keep hiding-" Kris opens his mouth to say- he doesn't know what, but it doesn't matter, because Adam is still talking. "-And I'm okay with that. You've got to do things in your own time. But I can't stand not being able to be myself outside this room. I haven't needed to tell people that I'm gay in years and I'm not even allowed to do that. And I kinda fucking hate it."
"I'm sorry that I didn't-" Kris starts to say, but he runs out of words and he wishes for sure that he hadn't brought it up, because now they're both miserable and it's all his fault. He shifts, slides down Adam's body. "Make it up to you?" It's only a breath of a question and then he has Adam's pants open and he's not as good at this as Adam, but it'll do for an apology.
Afterwards, Adam kisses his own taste out of Kris's mouth and then jerks Kris off, and he licks his hand clean after Kris is done. "But I do love being your roommate," he says, and he's smiling again, so Kris decides that now is a good time to forget he'd ever brought up the whole stupid thing to begin with. Adam starts talking again, but it's about the clothes that he bought today, so Kris feels fine tuning out the words and just concentrating on the lift and fall of Adam's voice, letting the sound carry him off to sleep.
The next day is crowded, enough that Kris doesn't have a chance to think about anything except music and all the other stuff that Idol requires them to do. He doesn't really get a chance to pause again until the day of performances, snagging a quick and quiet lunch with Katy, who does that thing where she wants to tell him something but can't find the words, so she just stares at her food instead.
Finally, when he's done eating and she's half-way through poking at her salad, she says, "I'm looking forward to going home next week." There's a second where Kris wonders if she's implying- then he remembers homecoming week. He's not sure how that managed to slip his mind.
"We'll have to get dinner at Stoby's," he says and Katy laughs, delighted and relieved. She really did want to go home. Kris bites down on his lip and thinks about that, thinks about how he's missed some of his friends, but hasn't really missed Arkansas, when maybe he should have been. Maybe he got used to LA too easy.
He's still thinking about that when he and Adam are stealing a final moment alone in their rooms to get ready before they have to head over to record the show.
"Do you think I've changed a lot?" he asks, watching as Adam carefully shakes out his clothes before putting them on. "From when you first met me, I mean."
"Sure," Adam says, with a casual shrug. "You nail your falsetto more easily now." Adam sends an appreciative look his way and Kris's face heats up a bit, guessing Adam's train of thought. "You're dressing with more of a flair, even in your off-time. It looks good."
"Not- I mean... do you think I'm becoming too much of a big city guy?" Kris asks, and Adam starts laughing - the kind that's more of a giggle, really, the one that Adam doesn't do when the cameras are on. "That sounds like a no."
Adam is still laughing, so Kris shakes his head and goes back to his own thoughts. He hadn't asked the right question, he realizes that now, though he's not entirely sure what the right question is. But Adam's happy, so it's all okay. Five minutes later, when Adam is tugging him into the bathroom, Kris lags a bit, not certain what's causing the light in Adam's eyes.
"You are not worried about changing too much," Adam says, lightly, and Kris opens his mouth to tell Adam that, no, he really can't read Kris's mind, but Adam is still talking, of course. "You never would have dropped it like that if it was really bothering you. But something is, so, you should tell me about it. You don't want anything distracting you during the show."
"I just-" Kris sighs. And maybe Adam can read Kris's mind, after all. "I'd forgotten that we're going home, you know? I mean, even the three that make it through. And I haven't been back to Arkansas in so long. Not for months. Am I even going to- I don't know, man. I just-" Kris stops, and he's been able to find words with Adam more often than not, but he can't even begin to explain what he's feeling today - what he's been feeling ever since Katy brought up the idea of going home.
"Do people at home-" Adam pauses and he's doing that thing where he's trying to be careful of Kris's feelings, which is stupid because Kris can't even imagine Adam saying anything that could offend him. He waits patiently for Adam to continue. "Do your friends know that we're friends?"
Kris blinks, sets his teeth into his lip for a second and thinks. "Yeah, I mean- I mean, some of them. I mean- you know, the ones that I talk to or who watch the show, because... it has to be obvious, right?"
"No, I'm asking..." Adam pets at Kris's shirt and Kris can almost feel the warmth of his hand through the fabric. "Do any of them- fuck, Kris, do you have any idea what I'm trying to ask?"
"Not really," Kris says and he leans up to kiss Adam until he can feel the frustration fading away. "And you're supposed to be the guy with all the words, too."
"Not around you," Adam says, but he doesn't sound so lost anymore. "At least, not the right ones."
"You worry too much about saying the right thing," Kris says and he swats lightly at Adam's shoulder so that he can pass him and leave the bathroom. But Adam snags his hand, examines it closely, a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth.
"You would look great with nail polish," Adam says, which is so completely out of nowhere that Kris just gapes at him like an idiot. "And it's very rock star - you want some for tonight?"
"No," Kris says, reflexively. Adam makes puppy-dog eyes at him and Kris sighs. "I don't- maybe? I don't know if it's a good idea."
"How about you try it out and see how it feels?" Adam asks - argues, really, like he's a used car salesman or something.
"I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before," Kris mutters. Adam flashes him a blinding smile and Kris can't help wondering if Adam is remembering the same night. About how Adam had coaxed and petted Kris into giving his first blowjob. It'd felt like a big deal at the time, in the way that jerking another guy off hadn't, but he can't really remember why anymore. "I don't know if America is ready for me to change my image on them."
That gets to Adam, makes him quiet and thoughtful for a second. "Yeah, rebranding you right now might not be the best idea," he says. His thumb is rubbing over Kris's, gently tugging at the nail bed as it sweeps across. "How about..." Adam is obviously thinking out loud now, and Kris doesn't know why Adam wants to do this nail polish thing so much, but he's about a minute away from giving in on it. "How about just one?"
"Just one finger, huh?" Kris quirks his eyebrow up and it takes Adam a second to get it, but then he's laughing, letting go of Kris's hand. Now would be the time to walk away, to say 'no' and have it stick, but... "Okay."
Adam looks at him, bites on his lip and looks uncertain. "Yeah?"
"Just one." Kris thinks, quickly, about the easiest one to- "One of my thumbnails. For luck."
"You don't need luck," Adam says and the way he says it, intense and affectionate, makes Kris blush a little. "You are going to go out there tonight and blow everyone away. And you're going to do it in-" Adam turns around and snags a bottle. "-Blue Satin."
"Blue Satin?"
"Well, I suppose that we could go with Ruby Me, but I figured that might be too much for the first time." Adam is the picture of chatty happiness now that Kris has said he can have his way, so Kris lets himself get tugged closer and he watches as Adam paints his nail - two coats, plus a clear one on top - talking the whole time, the way he does sometimes.
That moment turns out to be the highlight of the night - everything seems to go wrong from that point.
After the show, Katy tries to grab a moment with him before he heads back to the mansion and he can see pity in her eyes. She wraps him up in a tight hug and whispers softly, "It's for the best, baby. We weren't meant for this life." He doesn't say anything back, just presses the lightest of kisses against her forehead.
Back at the mansion, Allison and Adam are too nice and he's sure that they're thinking it, too, just what Katy was - Kris is in over his head and he's not fucking good enough for this show and maybe that's true, but he doesn't-
He doesn't even try to talk to Danny. He's not sure that he can talk to Danny without losing his temper, something that he's managed to avoid during Idol so far.
Even when he breaks away from Alli and Adam to get some space, he still feels like screaming because- because-
Fuck, this can't be it.
Kris's phone is buzzing on the dresser when Adam comes into their room. Adam picks it up and says, gently, "It's Katy."
"I know," Kris says. And he'll have to make it up to her the next time he gets the chance, but he can't talk to her now. Not- not when all he can think about is going up on that stage tomorrow and being told that he's out. Because Katy will try to find the bright side - has already found one - and he doesn't want to hear it. And he knows that he's being selfish and stupid and that he doesn't deserve her, but all of that's still going to be true tomorrow and she'll forgive him and-
And they'll go home to Arkansas until it's time for the tour to start. That's what Katy wants.
Adam puts the phone back down and crawls into bed behind Kris, his hand lightly touching Kris's hip. "Still pissed off?"
"I wasn't-" But there's no point in lying to Adam. "Maybe a little."
Adam kisses the back of his neck and Kris shivers, melting into it. "You aren't getting kicked off tomorrow," Adam says, casually, like they're talking about what to eat for dinner.
"Simon was-"
"Fuck Simon." Adam's hand slips under Kris's shirt, and he knows all the right places to touch to make Kris pliant and easy. "You and I both know he's full of shit. Danny isn't better than you - he can't even touch you."
"Don't really want him to," Kris murmurs, and Adam buries a laugh against Kris's shoulders. Adam's words help, though, and so do his hands. Kris can feel his tension slipping away and he hopes that Adam is right, he really does because- "How am I going to manage without you?"
Adam freezes up a little at Kris's words and then Kris can feel him relax, in that deliberate way of his.
It's too late to pretend that his words were more teasing, so Kris just bites down on his lip and waits for Adam's reaction.
"I don't know, honey," Adam says. "How did you manage before me?"
He thinks that Adam was probably aiming to sound light-hearted, but his voice is sharp - Randy would probably call it 'pitchy' - and his hand tenses up on Kris's stomach. It's easier, somehow, for Kris to say what he wants while he can't look at Adam.
"I don't think I was me before I met you."
Kris is vaguely aware that this is probably one of those moments that's going to be important somewhere down the road but, right now, all he can concentrate on is the sound of Adam's breathing and how warm his hand is. There are lots of things that he should be feeling right now - guilt, fear, hope - but he doesn't think he's feeling anything, just this odd emptiness, like a glass that's just been tipped over.
Adam doesn't say anything, but he tugs Kris back against him, fitting them together snugly. Kris has always felt comfortable like this, getting pulled into place and held by someone - by a guy - but it's even more natural with Adam than it is with anyone else. Kris tips his head back against Adam's shoulder, eyes fluttering shut.
"Kris- do you..." Adam's voice is hesitant, small. Kris reaches down to place his hand over Adam's, not liking how lost he sounds. "Do you have any clue what you're doing to me, baby?"
Kris strokes his fingers over Adam's hand, tracing circles over the knuckles. "I'm not- I'm not trying to do anything. I just-" Kris decides to try to make a stab at the kind of eloquence that Adam is always showing. "When I wake up, the first thing I notice is whether or not you're here. I always- I think about you too much. I've never- you understand me. You-"
"Doesn't Katy understand you?" Adam asks.
Kris can feel himself tensing up again and he doesn't want to do this right now. Then again, they might not ever get the chance, if Kris goes home tomorrow night. Maybe this is all they're going to get.
"Katy's a good person," he says and it's maybe the most useless sentence he's ever said in his life, because that's not what this is about. "But she- Adam, she isn't- there are some things that girls don't understand, right?"
"Yeah, maybe we should talk about that," Adam says, his voice soft. He pulls out his hand from under Kris's and carefully pushes it back up under Kris's shirt. "Tell me what girls don't understand."
Kris purses his lips thoughtfully. He's never tried to put it into words before. He's not sure he can do a good job. "Just- about guys, you know? We can't be like them. With us, it's like a pressure valve. You gotta let off steam sometimes."
"Mmm, is that what this is?" Adam asks, and his fingers are- his hand is sliding down-
Kris breaths in sharply, his hips twitching. Adam's hand stills, but he's still cupping Kris's dick through his pants and it's all Kris can do not to ask for more.
"It's not cheating," Kris says and it's the first time either of them has said the word. He wishes, now, that he could take it back. It sounds too much like a lie. Adam's hand squeezes, just a little, and Kris bucks into him, biting down on a moan. "This is- this is just being friendly. We're not- we're friends."
The problem is that Adam is gay. Adam likes kissing and blowjobs and he would probably like fucking Kris if they were actually- actually in a relationship and not just... just being friendly.
The problem is that Adam hadn't known Kris was married. That's what started everything off on the wrong beat. Adam hadn't known Kris wasn't available and Kris hadn't quite figured out how not to be available.
The problem...
Kris bites down on his lip and comes, hips pushing against Adam's hand. He can feel Adam's cock, pressing a hard line against his back, and he thinks that he might... if Adam asked to fuck him right now, he might say 'yes'.
But Adam doesn't ask.
Kris slides the tip of his finger over his thumbnail - he can feel the edge of the nail polish, slightly ragged. He's not going to ask Adam to take it off, he decides. It's- it's not much, but it's a little piece of Adam that he can take home with him, something to keep with him until they get to see each other again.
He twists around in Adam's arms. Adam still hasn't had a chance to take his make-up off, though he hadn't worn as much this week as he sometimes did, but his foundation was heavy, the way he always made it and it'd rubbed off on the pillows a little. Kris kisses him, lingers over it, teeth tugging at Adam's lip.
Maybe it was the kissing that was the problem. Kissing was too... too much like a relationship, not enough like friendship.
Adam's hand is at the back of Kris's neck, fingers scratching lightly through his hair, and Kris sighs into Adam's mouth, slips his own hand down to cover Adam's cock. Adam is kinda huge, when it comes to his dick, and it's ridiculous in this weirdly awesome way. Still, maybe Kris should've stood his ground when it came to anything but handjobs, but Adam had blown him first and it would've been petty not to return the favor when Adam had asked.
Maybe...
There are too many maybes. Everything that Kris thinks about is something that he did wrong but it didn't- the frustrating part is that it hadn't felt wrong. It still doesn't.
Kris buries his face against Adam's neck, sucking lightly, scraping his teeth a little, and he pulls Adam's cock out and jerks him off, slowly, and Adam is talking again, saying sweet, dirty things that Kris doesn't really listen to - about Kris's hand, about Kris - and Kris bites down on his own lip until it aches.
Adam comes with a long, soft moan and then he tugs Kris's hand up between them and licks off the spatters and strings, biting down a little on the base of Kris's palm, his eyelids closed, eyelashes fanning down over his skin.
Kris isn't good with words like Adam is, but he wants - he thinks he could write a song about this moment, about the warmth of Adam's mouth and the way his make-up rubs away to show freckles and the odd... odd kindness that Adam shows when they're like this together, like he thinks Kris is-
"What happens with you and Drake if one of you wants to be more serious?" Kris asks and he doesn't even- it's not his business. He shouldn't care. "I mean- if you- does he break up with his other boyfriend? Would he?"
Adam laughs, and he presses a kiss against Kris's cheek. "We're not serious," he says, which Kris knew already, so he doesn't know why hearing it makes him feel better. "Don't worry about it."
"I wasn't-" Kris pulls away from Adam, tries to gather up his thoughts. "I'm not worried," he tells the ceiling. "I'm just- as your- I was just curious."
"As a friend," Adam says, and his voice is complicated, but when Kris looks over at him, he just looks like normal, sunny Adam. "Kris - what you do think is going to happen after we do our tour this summer?"
"What do you mean?" Kris asks and his glance drifts downward to notice that Adam's cock is still hanging out of his pants, so he reaches down and tucks it back inside. He buttons Adam up, while his hands are down there and everything. Kris's own pants are sticky and starting to dry in an uncomfortable way, so he'll need to take a shower. He should probably do that soon. Adam hasn't answered his question yet and when Kris looks up, Adam is staring at him, thoughtful and intense in a way that makes Kris want to hide in the bathroom for a couple of hours. Kris licks his lips. "I guess- we'll hopefully be able to work on records. I mean, you will, for sure, but I think that I might - did I tell you that Chris Daughtry called me?"
Adam just raises an eyebrow because, well, of course, he knew. He'd been in the room when Kris had gotten the call. There's a second of silence, awkward in the way that it never is between them, and then Adam says, gently, "Between us, Kris. What do you think is going to happen with us?"
Kris opens his mouth, but then hesitates, all possible answers found wanting. Nothing will change is just a lie - they won't be living together anymore. Kris will be living with Katy, the way he should be, the way that he's meant to be - and Adam will... Adam won't be with Drake, he'll be alone. Unless something major changes between him and Drake.
We'll still be friends is true, but it's not- he knows before he has a chance to say it that Adam won't think it's a good enough answer.
"I don't know," he says, finally. "I don't- I don't want anything to change."
"I'm not going to want this when tour is over," Adam says. He's matter-of-fact, and Kris knows that there's absolutely no reason - that he has no right - to feel like Adam just punched him. It shouldn't matter if they stop. It doesn't matter. Adam's hand is on his face, thumb rubbing at Kris's cheek, and it's wet but he's not- "I screwed up by not backing off the second I heard you were married, but... shit, baby, the way you respond when I touch you..."
Kris breaths in and it isn't shaky because he isn't crying. He doesn't cry. The rest of his family, they get overwhelmed and they cry, but Kris just hasn't ever been like that. Adam's lips are soft and he kisses Kris's face, over and over. Adam starts to pull away again and Kris catches him by back of his neck, whispers, "please," and his voice is rough. "Please don't go."
"I can't do this forever," Adam says, and Kris didn't say anything about forever, he just... he just doesn't want it to end now or after tour or... he knows that it has to end. He's told himself a million times that they probably wouldn't do this after all the Idol stuff was over. He doesn't get why it sounds different just because Adam is saying it. "I'm going to want a family someday; want to get married and maybe... I don't know, maybe even have kids - adopt or find a surrogate or something. I have plans of my own and they don't have you in them." Adam pauses and then adds, more softly, "They can't."
"What if they can?" Kris asks but he hadn't meant to say that. He doesn't have- but the words keep coming out. "What if- what if we can do that. Couldn't we do that?"
"I don't think Katy would like that plan," Adam says, but Kris can feel his gaze, sharp and assessing, weighing Kris's actions. Kris feels flushed and almost like he's drunk - a little reckless and needy. "Where does Katy fit into all this?"
Kris shakes his head and he doesn't- he doesn't want to think about that, but Adam won't let it go now that he's brought it up. "I don't- I don't know."
"You need to figure it out," Adam says, but he's not mean about it. He snags Kris's right hand, entwines their fingers. "Tell you what, let's make a... a deal, a promise, okay?"
"What do you mean?"
"When you go home - I think it'll be after the finale, but we'll see what happens - between the show and tour, you'll have at least a week, maybe more, when you can concentrate on Katy. If you-" Adam presses a kiss against Kris's knuckles. "If you still want this when we all get back together for tour rehearsals, you tell me and we'll figure out the next step. If not... nobody gets hurts."
"What about now?" Kris asks, and he doesn't think he can handle it if Adam stops everything now. This show is stressful enough when Adam's there with him. He doesn't think he can do it alone.
"Nothing has to change yet," Adam says and Kris smiles at him and Adam's kissing him again and then he says, "Wanna take a shower together?"
The answer is yes, of course.
It's hard to imagine it ever being 'no'.
~the end~
Summary: See, it all starts with a kiss - no, wait, that's wrong. It starts before that. It starts with a misunderstanding.
Pairings: Kris/Adam; Kris/Katy, implied Adam/Drake
Rating: R
Notes: Word count: ~7,700. Set during S8 of American Idol. Much love to
jetaimerai for helping me break my writer's block and encouraging me as I finished this story.The problem is that Adam's gay.
No, that's not... that's not quite right.
The problem is that Adam is attracted to Kris.
It's not a secret. Kris is pretty sure that everyone knows: the judges; the other contestants; all the random people who work on the show. Adam's never tried to hide being gay and the week that those pictures of him with his ex came out, Matt did a little digging and presented Kris with a picture of said ex without makeup, looking (Matt said) like a creepy Kris-clone. And then Matt tacked his little picture comparison up on a board in the lobby, where it stayed until one of the staffers took it down and then had a talk with Matt in the corner.
Though it's not exactly the case that those pictures were Kris's first clue that Adam was attracted to him.
The first time they met had gone something like this:
"Wow, there's a lot of people here," Kris said, not really to anyone in particular, but kinda hoping that the tall guy in front of him would hear – there was something about him. Something... comforting. And Kris had met a lot of his college friends by randomly talking in public and getting someone to talk back.
Then the guy – Adam – turned around, eyes sharpening with interest – and Kris noticed, even then, how remarkable Adam's eyes were, especially when they focused directly at someone.
"Probably looks like more people because you're a little short," Adam said, but it hadn't felt like an insult, not with the way Adam's tongue darted out to wet his mouth and the way his eyes swept over Kris's body. "Gotten your room assignment yet?"
"Yeah, I d-did." Kris's words turned into a stutter when Adam stepped a little closer. "I'm with a guy called Matt."
"Hmm, I'll have to talk with my mom about giving me the wrong name," Adam said, and he introduced himself, his fingers lingering against Kris's wrist when they shook hands.
Then someone said Adam's name and he was gone, and Kris hadn't ever mentioned that he was married.
He's heard that first impressions are the most important. Kris is pretty much aware that Adam was attracted to him the moment that they met, and he kinda thinks that, maybe, without meaning to, he gave Adam the impression that he was available.
Because when Adam does find out that Kris is married, he doesn't change the way he acts around Kris at all.
And no one's ever really treated Kris the way that Adam does.
He's been flirted with, sure, a few guys even flirted with him at college. But this thing with Adam, it goes deeper than flirting. To begin with, they're friends. No, that's actually not a good place to start-
To begin with, Adam kissed him.
It was half-way through Hollywood week.
Kris hadn't mentioned that whole... married thing yet. He and Adam had talked a couple of times since their first meeting and Adam had managed to drop a few pieces of information into their conversations – that Adam lived nearby and had kept his apartment for now was something that he mentioned more than once. Kris got a little curious, maybe, since Adam had said how much he'd toned down his look for Idol, and Adam had invited him to drop by during evening break, when they were supposed to be heading back to the hotel.
So, he found himself in Adam's apartment that night, a tiny little place that Adam complained about cheerfully.
"This is why I'm going for that prize," Adam said, pouring Kris a cup of tea. "So that I can get out of places like this and get into... well. An actual house would be a nice start. What about you?"
"I just want to make music," Kris said and he tried to keep himself under control but the ache and the longing had been impossible to hide. "I was- I already know that I'm not going to make it... probably not even to tour, but maybe I can use getting here as a way to get more gigs. I just- I don't have the best voice, but this is what I love."
"Oh, honey," Adam said, and he took the tea away from Kris's trembling fingers and he was tilting Kris's head up and... it was the softest, sweetest kiss that Kris had ever had. "You have a very pretty voice, Kris." Adam stroked his cheek and Kris just stared at him, lips parted. "Yeah, you could use a little training, but your tone is beautiful. We should practice together – I can teach you some good techniques."
"Adam," Kris said, and the next words should have been we can't; I'm married, because it was obvious that Adam wanted more than to give him voice lessons. "Adam. You could go all the way. Don't get distracted by me. I'm not-"
Another kiss, one that left Kris breathless after.
"You're right. At least for now. We should get back to the hotel before we go too far," Adam said and Kris nodded, and he hadn't known how to tell Adam what he needed to know.
That had happened the next day, when Simon had asked him why he was there.
His answer – that he didn't want to be a househusband all his life – it made Simon laugh, but the more important reaction was the one that Kris searched for in the audience. He couldn't read Adam's face, but he hoped – so badly – that his own showed that he wasn't trying to hurt Adam.
He just hadn't been able to find the words when they were face-to-face.
The next time they were relatively alone together, Adam had reached out and touched his left hand and Kris had let him pick it up and roll his thumb over Kris's ring.
"I'm sorry," Kris said, and he wasn't sure whether he was apologizing for leading Adam on or... or apologizing for being married.
"I just thought you liked jewelry," Adam said, his fingers brushing against one of Kris's bracelets. "What's the name of the lucky... is it a girl?"
"Yeah," Kris breathed, and he could feel his pulse jumping under Adam's touch. "Her name is- it's Katy. If I make it to semi-finals, she's coming out to see me perform."
"Katy," Adam repeated. "Katy Allen. That's pretty."
"So is she," Kris said, and it was inane and stupid, but Adam actually smiled a little and he was still holding onto Kris's hand.
"Tell me what Katy Allen looks like," Adam said. "So that I recognize her when she comes to visit."
"Um. She has blonde hair," Kris said and Adam was staring down at him, and his eyes looked bluer than normal, even more intense. "It's really pretty. Her eyes are- um. They're." Adam's lips twitched and it wasn't that Kris had- it wasn't that Kris couldn't remember what Katy looked like. It was just that, at that particular moment in time, he didn't seem to have a handle on the precise details. "They're pretty."
"Blonde and pretty, huh?" Adam said. "Well, it's not like we have many of those in L.A."
"Short," Kris blurted out. "She's short."
"Hmm," was Adam's only response. Then, "That offer's still open. About doing voice exercises together."
Adam told him later that that he had decided to back off after he'd heard Kris say that he was married, but Kris's reaction to him had drawn him back for more.
It's something of a familiar story. Even now, all either of them needs to do is back away, but that seems to be the only thing that they aren't capable of – so, instead, they play this dangerous game. And, one day, they're going to slip up and everyone is going to know.
But it's just harmless kissing, at the beginning.
Because the kissing doesn't stop after Adam finds out about Katy.
Maybe Adam kept waiting for Kris to object or push him away or... hell, avoid being alone with him. But Kris let Adam maneuver him into empty closets and behind locked doors and when Adam kissed him, Kris kissed back, and when he called Katy on the phone at night, he didn't say a word about any of the things that mattered most.
When Adam and Katy finally met each other, Kris had been expecting- he still doesn't know. But something. She told Kris how impressed she was with Adam's voice and Adam told him that Katy seemed really sweet, and then Adam had tugged him into the bathroom and pulled Kris onto his lap, and they hadn't kissed that time – Adam just pressed his forehead against Kris's and they stayed that way until it was time to go get ready for the show.
So, really, it started a long time ago.
The kissing and the feelings and everything that Kris didn't mention when he and Katy would sneak off for moments together. He didn't even write it down in his journal, not directly, though he wrote around it, about how close he and Adam were getting as friends and about how he thought that, maybe, he wanted Adam to stay in his life for a really long time.
But he loved his wife. He knew that, a kernel of something true, something from before Idol had shaken his life upside down.
When he kissed Adam, that feeling dropped away and it was just the two of them, like Katy didn't even exist. And when he was with Katy, he could almost make himself forget the way Adam made him feel, all shaken up and somebody new.
The problem, he thinks... the problem is that once he and Adam made it into the finals, they went into the mansion. At least when he and Adam shared the hotel room, Katy had come over, filling up the room with her perfume so that it smelled a little like her even when she wasn't there. But Katy wasn't allowed in the mansion, so when Kris got worried or a little nervous, his choice was between calling Katy - which he did, every night, but it was just her voice and not her - or turning to Adam, who was there for him, always right there.
And if Adam's comfort came with light kisses and hands that were so gentle as they slid under his clothes... well, it was only while they were in the mansion and it wasn't like he thought it would last. Neither of them did. Well, Kris was sure that Adam must have assumed that, too, though they hadn't gotten around to talking about it.
But the thing is, by that time, people were noticing. Like Matt with his little collages about Adam's ex-boyfriend. Like Anoop, who had slipped a couple of brochures into Kris's pocket about 'coming out' and 'embracing his inner self' and Kris hadn't been able to think of how to tell Anoop that he knew who he was, thanks, and he wasn't- he was married, but that had gone fine because Adam had found the brochures - and hilariously read them out to Kris in an overly-dramatic tone of voice - and when Kris had explained about Anoop, Adam had promised to take care of it.
Anoop hadn't mentioned it to Kris since, not even when some fans started up about the idea of 'Kradam'.
Katy had talked to him about it, a few weeks back during a private time they'd managed to sneak, the night before he'd done that Don Henley number that had fallen flat. Not just Kradam, of course. She'd talked about how cute it was that he'd bonded so well with Matt and with Adam, and about how some of his internet fans took the whole thing way too far. He'd mumbled some kind of agreement, but it had thrown him off for the rest of the day, and he'd had to use his fingers to bring her off.
Adam had known something was wrong that night without Kris even needing to say a word, and he'd let Kris pretend that it was all about his song and his nerves, and Kris had been able to distract himself listening to Adam sing his song for the week, haunting and perfect.
The point, though... the point that Kris is trying to get straight in his head, is that Adam has been Kris's comfort during the show, and he thinks that he's managed to be the same thing for Adam, but that didn't mean anything in the real world. In the real world, he and Adam were friends and Katy was his wife and those were the things that mattered. If Adam were- were like Kris, then it wouldn't even be an issue. It hadn't ever been an issue before.
Which takes him back to where he started - the problem is that Adam is gay and Adam has a boyfriend and Adam's out with his boyfriend right now, which Kris knows because he texted Adam just ten minutes ago and got back the answer - shopping w drake; want me 2 get u something? - and it shouldn't feel like a slap in the face. Adam was great about Katy, never said anything to make her feel uncomfortable or like a third wheel, so Kris needed to be able to do the same with Drake.
Only it was different, because Adam was going to come out... officially come out... when the show was over in a couple of weeks. Drake was part of the big reveal; Adam had told Kris all about it just last night. Drake and Rolling Stone were going to add up to one big 'duh' for the American people.
Adam had told him softly, stroking a hand along Kris's spine, skin on skin. And Kris had wriggled a little closer, pressed his mouth against Adam's shoulder and sucked, leaving a mark and only dimly thinking about the fact that Adam would have to explain it to Drake later. Though they weren't exclusive, Adam said. Drake was seeing someone else.
Kris didn't quite know how Adam could stand it, being with Drake and knowing that he was with other people, too. How it couldn't set up this itchy unsettling need inside Adam to have Drake all to himself. Katy had dated other people during the times she and Kris had been broken up and even thinking about it had driven Kris a little crazy, distracting him from his classes and making him write song after song, most of which never saw the light of day.
Maybe love is better Adam's way, maybe it's cleaner and more open and more like God. Kris doesn't think he could do it, though, doesn't think he can-
Kris fiddles with his phone and tries to decide whether or not to call Katy. If Adam is shopping, he'll be gone for hours. Kris has already picked out his outfits for this round - he almost can't believe he's really going to meet Slash. Fuck, he can't believe that he's Top Four. His outfit is the least of his worries, with the competition so close to the end. Allison and Adam are going to sail through this week with no problems, which means that it's between Kris and Danny. Kris isn't sure he's going to make it through that.
And he's not quite ready for this to be over yet.
In the end, he doesn't call Katy - he decides that he'll just talk to her that night, like always. If he calls in the middle of the day, she'll just think something's wrong and there's nothing that he can say that'll even make any sense. Plus, Katy said, on the one occasion that the topic came up, that Drake and Adam seemed perfect for each other. Kris loves his wife, but there are some things she doesn't understand and the details of Adam and Drake's arrangement is definitely one of those things.
Instead, he goes upstairs, knocks on Allison's door and spends a few hours brushing up on his Spanish with Alli and her mom. If Adam is his favorite person in Los Angeles, Allison runs a close second. Her mom is pretty awesome, too, and she trusts Kris and Adam around her little girl as if they really were Allison's brothers. And it's relaxing, to just lie on the extra bed in Alli's room and let his tongue tangle up in the words and not feel like he's expected to get everything right. Kris loses track of time, so it's a nice surprise when Adam sticks his head in the door and grins at them.
"Who wants to see my new outfit?" Adam asks, and he's waving an over-stuffed plastic bag at them.
After the impromptu fashion show, Kris goes back down to the basement with Adam. He probably should get together with Danny to finish hashing out their duet, but Kris is just so damn relieved that they'd actually managed to pick a song that he doesn't want to tempt fate by working on it too much. So, he lays out what he's planning to do with "Come Together" for Adam, pulling out his guitar so that he can get into it - it's not finalized, of course, not with the mentorship still happening tomorrow, but Kris has a pretty clear idea of what he wants.
Kris's phone buzzes while he and Adam are talking after, and it's - it's Katy, so Kris has to take it.
Adam's actually the one who notices it go off and he picks it up and reads off her name lightly and he hands it to Kris with this smile that Kris can't even - indulgent, maybe? Tolerant?
Katy, though, is sounding a little frustrated.
"And you know how I normally don't even pay attention to her," Katy says, as if Kris is supposed to understand what's going on when she didn't even say hello. "But she still doesn't think you're worth voting for and... okay, so this week isn't going to be your best week, we both know that, but you've got good will built up and I'm sure you can make it through and-" Ah. Kris knows who they're talking about now.
"I'm not crying myself to sleep because your mother isn't voting for me," he says. He barely registers Adam's arm slipping around his shoulders, but he finds himself leaning into the touch. "Seriously, Katybug, don't freak out."
"I don't know how it doesn't bother you," Katy says and he can just picture her, with her hand on her hip and that indignant look she gets when someone she cares about is being wronged. Of course, she's not mentioning that if he did get annoyed at her mother, she'd be the first person to come up with a defense. Kris learned a long time ago that only Katy was allowed to be mad at her mom. "I just spent about an hour on the phone with her and she's just so convinced that you're going home this week and I-" Katy sighs, quiet and a little sad. "I don't think she's right, I don't. But I was thinking..."
Kris doesn't realize that he's tensed up until he feels Adam's hand rubbing on his back, firm and calming between his shoulders. Katy goes on, talking about some ideas that she's been having about what they should do next, but Kris has heard it all before - she's been trying to get him to definitively say, one way or the other, whether or not he wants them to move to LA and he... he can't answer that right now. He just can't.
He makes some vaguely affirmative noises, just trying to wait out the tide of words. Finally, she asks him, "How are your rehearsals going?" which is the beginning of the call winding down. Less than ten minutes later, she's telling him to sleep well and he wishes her the same back.
Adam presses a comforting kiss against Kris's temple and it's easy to melt back into him. Adam touches slow and gentle and it's so simple when Kris isn't thinking about it, when he just lets it happen.
"Do you ever wish-" Kris's voice is a little smoky and rough, and he has to pause to clear his throat. "Do you ever wish that we could stay here forever? That the show would never end?"
They're lying back on the bed now - they'll crawl between the sheets eventually, but Kris is good with where he is at the moment, tucked up on his side next to Adam, with Adam's arm wrapped around him. The door is locked - Adam always remembers to lock it - and no one has ever tried to burst in on them, anyway.
"Oh, honey, never," Adam says, and he sounds horrified. Kris's breath catches and he blinks a little too hard, and Adam must have felt him freeze up for a second, because Adam is tipping up Kris's chin and kissing him, won't let him go even when Kris tries to pull away, stays until Kris is kissing back, open and wet. He's mumbling something against Kris's mouth, but Kris can't make out the words. Then Adam pulls back, brushes his thumb over Kris's lip, and says, "I know it's different for you. I do. I know that you can't- well, that you're going to keep hiding-" Kris opens his mouth to say- he doesn't know what, but it doesn't matter, because Adam is still talking. "-And I'm okay with that. You've got to do things in your own time. But I can't stand not being able to be myself outside this room. I haven't needed to tell people that I'm gay in years and I'm not even allowed to do that. And I kinda fucking hate it."
"I'm sorry that I didn't-" Kris starts to say, but he runs out of words and he wishes for sure that he hadn't brought it up, because now they're both miserable and it's all his fault. He shifts, slides down Adam's body. "Make it up to you?" It's only a breath of a question and then he has Adam's pants open and he's not as good at this as Adam, but it'll do for an apology.
Afterwards, Adam kisses his own taste out of Kris's mouth and then jerks Kris off, and he licks his hand clean after Kris is done. "But I do love being your roommate," he says, and he's smiling again, so Kris decides that now is a good time to forget he'd ever brought up the whole stupid thing to begin with. Adam starts talking again, but it's about the clothes that he bought today, so Kris feels fine tuning out the words and just concentrating on the lift and fall of Adam's voice, letting the sound carry him off to sleep.
The next day is crowded, enough that Kris doesn't have a chance to think about anything except music and all the other stuff that Idol requires them to do. He doesn't really get a chance to pause again until the day of performances, snagging a quick and quiet lunch with Katy, who does that thing where she wants to tell him something but can't find the words, so she just stares at her food instead.
Finally, when he's done eating and she's half-way through poking at her salad, she says, "I'm looking forward to going home next week." There's a second where Kris wonders if she's implying- then he remembers homecoming week. He's not sure how that managed to slip his mind.
"We'll have to get dinner at Stoby's," he says and Katy laughs, delighted and relieved. She really did want to go home. Kris bites down on his lip and thinks about that, thinks about how he's missed some of his friends, but hasn't really missed Arkansas, when maybe he should have been. Maybe he got used to LA too easy.
He's still thinking about that when he and Adam are stealing a final moment alone in their rooms to get ready before they have to head over to record the show.
"Do you think I've changed a lot?" he asks, watching as Adam carefully shakes out his clothes before putting them on. "From when you first met me, I mean."
"Sure," Adam says, with a casual shrug. "You nail your falsetto more easily now." Adam sends an appreciative look his way and Kris's face heats up a bit, guessing Adam's train of thought. "You're dressing with more of a flair, even in your off-time. It looks good."
"Not- I mean... do you think I'm becoming too much of a big city guy?" Kris asks, and Adam starts laughing - the kind that's more of a giggle, really, the one that Adam doesn't do when the cameras are on. "That sounds like a no."
Adam is still laughing, so Kris shakes his head and goes back to his own thoughts. He hadn't asked the right question, he realizes that now, though he's not entirely sure what the right question is. But Adam's happy, so it's all okay. Five minutes later, when Adam is tugging him into the bathroom, Kris lags a bit, not certain what's causing the light in Adam's eyes.
"You are not worried about changing too much," Adam says, lightly, and Kris opens his mouth to tell Adam that, no, he really can't read Kris's mind, but Adam is still talking, of course. "You never would have dropped it like that if it was really bothering you. But something is, so, you should tell me about it. You don't want anything distracting you during the show."
"I just-" Kris sighs. And maybe Adam can read Kris's mind, after all. "I'd forgotten that we're going home, you know? I mean, even the three that make it through. And I haven't been back to Arkansas in so long. Not for months. Am I even going to- I don't know, man. I just-" Kris stops, and he's been able to find words with Adam more often than not, but he can't even begin to explain what he's feeling today - what he's been feeling ever since Katy brought up the idea of going home.
"Do people at home-" Adam pauses and he's doing that thing where he's trying to be careful of Kris's feelings, which is stupid because Kris can't even imagine Adam saying anything that could offend him. He waits patiently for Adam to continue. "Do your friends know that we're friends?"
Kris blinks, sets his teeth into his lip for a second and thinks. "Yeah, I mean- I mean, some of them. I mean- you know, the ones that I talk to or who watch the show, because... it has to be obvious, right?"
"No, I'm asking..." Adam pets at Kris's shirt and Kris can almost feel the warmth of his hand through the fabric. "Do any of them- fuck, Kris, do you have any idea what I'm trying to ask?"
"Not really," Kris says and he leans up to kiss Adam until he can feel the frustration fading away. "And you're supposed to be the guy with all the words, too."
"Not around you," Adam says, but he doesn't sound so lost anymore. "At least, not the right ones."
"You worry too much about saying the right thing," Kris says and he swats lightly at Adam's shoulder so that he can pass him and leave the bathroom. But Adam snags his hand, examines it closely, a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth.
"You would look great with nail polish," Adam says, which is so completely out of nowhere that Kris just gapes at him like an idiot. "And it's very rock star - you want some for tonight?"
"No," Kris says, reflexively. Adam makes puppy-dog eyes at him and Kris sighs. "I don't- maybe? I don't know if it's a good idea."
"How about you try it out and see how it feels?" Adam asks - argues, really, like he's a used car salesman or something.
"I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before," Kris mutters. Adam flashes him a blinding smile and Kris can't help wondering if Adam is remembering the same night. About how Adam had coaxed and petted Kris into giving his first blowjob. It'd felt like a big deal at the time, in the way that jerking another guy off hadn't, but he can't really remember why anymore. "I don't know if America is ready for me to change my image on them."
That gets to Adam, makes him quiet and thoughtful for a second. "Yeah, rebranding you right now might not be the best idea," he says. His thumb is rubbing over Kris's, gently tugging at the nail bed as it sweeps across. "How about..." Adam is obviously thinking out loud now, and Kris doesn't know why Adam wants to do this nail polish thing so much, but he's about a minute away from giving in on it. "How about just one?"
"Just one finger, huh?" Kris quirks his eyebrow up and it takes Adam a second to get it, but then he's laughing, letting go of Kris's hand. Now would be the time to walk away, to say 'no' and have it stick, but... "Okay."
Adam looks at him, bites on his lip and looks uncertain. "Yeah?"
"Just one." Kris thinks, quickly, about the easiest one to- "One of my thumbnails. For luck."
"You don't need luck," Adam says and the way he says it, intense and affectionate, makes Kris blush a little. "You are going to go out there tonight and blow everyone away. And you're going to do it in-" Adam turns around and snags a bottle. "-Blue Satin."
"Blue Satin?"
"Well, I suppose that we could go with Ruby Me, but I figured that might be too much for the first time." Adam is the picture of chatty happiness now that Kris has said he can have his way, so Kris lets himself get tugged closer and he watches as Adam paints his nail - two coats, plus a clear one on top - talking the whole time, the way he does sometimes.
That moment turns out to be the highlight of the night - everything seems to go wrong from that point.
After the show, Katy tries to grab a moment with him before he heads back to the mansion and he can see pity in her eyes. She wraps him up in a tight hug and whispers softly, "It's for the best, baby. We weren't meant for this life." He doesn't say anything back, just presses the lightest of kisses against her forehead.
Back at the mansion, Allison and Adam are too nice and he's sure that they're thinking it, too, just what Katy was - Kris is in over his head and he's not fucking good enough for this show and maybe that's true, but he doesn't-
He doesn't even try to talk to Danny. He's not sure that he can talk to Danny without losing his temper, something that he's managed to avoid during Idol so far.
Even when he breaks away from Alli and Adam to get some space, he still feels like screaming because- because-
Fuck, this can't be it.
Kris's phone is buzzing on the dresser when Adam comes into their room. Adam picks it up and says, gently, "It's Katy."
"I know," Kris says. And he'll have to make it up to her the next time he gets the chance, but he can't talk to her now. Not- not when all he can think about is going up on that stage tomorrow and being told that he's out. Because Katy will try to find the bright side - has already found one - and he doesn't want to hear it. And he knows that he's being selfish and stupid and that he doesn't deserve her, but all of that's still going to be true tomorrow and she'll forgive him and-
And they'll go home to Arkansas until it's time for the tour to start. That's what Katy wants.
Adam puts the phone back down and crawls into bed behind Kris, his hand lightly touching Kris's hip. "Still pissed off?"
"I wasn't-" But there's no point in lying to Adam. "Maybe a little."
Adam kisses the back of his neck and Kris shivers, melting into it. "You aren't getting kicked off tomorrow," Adam says, casually, like they're talking about what to eat for dinner.
"Simon was-"
"Fuck Simon." Adam's hand slips under Kris's shirt, and he knows all the right places to touch to make Kris pliant and easy. "You and I both know he's full of shit. Danny isn't better than you - he can't even touch you."
"Don't really want him to," Kris murmurs, and Adam buries a laugh against Kris's shoulders. Adam's words help, though, and so do his hands. Kris can feel his tension slipping away and he hopes that Adam is right, he really does because- "How am I going to manage without you?"
Adam freezes up a little at Kris's words and then Kris can feel him relax, in that deliberate way of his.
It's too late to pretend that his words were more teasing, so Kris just bites down on his lip and waits for Adam's reaction.
"I don't know, honey," Adam says. "How did you manage before me?"
He thinks that Adam was probably aiming to sound light-hearted, but his voice is sharp - Randy would probably call it 'pitchy' - and his hand tenses up on Kris's stomach. It's easier, somehow, for Kris to say what he wants while he can't look at Adam.
"I don't think I was me before I met you."
Kris is vaguely aware that this is probably one of those moments that's going to be important somewhere down the road but, right now, all he can concentrate on is the sound of Adam's breathing and how warm his hand is. There are lots of things that he should be feeling right now - guilt, fear, hope - but he doesn't think he's feeling anything, just this odd emptiness, like a glass that's just been tipped over.
Adam doesn't say anything, but he tugs Kris back against him, fitting them together snugly. Kris has always felt comfortable like this, getting pulled into place and held by someone - by a guy - but it's even more natural with Adam than it is with anyone else. Kris tips his head back against Adam's shoulder, eyes fluttering shut.
"Kris- do you..." Adam's voice is hesitant, small. Kris reaches down to place his hand over Adam's, not liking how lost he sounds. "Do you have any clue what you're doing to me, baby?"
Kris strokes his fingers over Adam's hand, tracing circles over the knuckles. "I'm not- I'm not trying to do anything. I just-" Kris decides to try to make a stab at the kind of eloquence that Adam is always showing. "When I wake up, the first thing I notice is whether or not you're here. I always- I think about you too much. I've never- you understand me. You-"
"Doesn't Katy understand you?" Adam asks.
Kris can feel himself tensing up again and he doesn't want to do this right now. Then again, they might not ever get the chance, if Kris goes home tomorrow night. Maybe this is all they're going to get.
"Katy's a good person," he says and it's maybe the most useless sentence he's ever said in his life, because that's not what this is about. "But she- Adam, she isn't- there are some things that girls don't understand, right?"
"Yeah, maybe we should talk about that," Adam says, his voice soft. He pulls out his hand from under Kris's and carefully pushes it back up under Kris's shirt. "Tell me what girls don't understand."
Kris purses his lips thoughtfully. He's never tried to put it into words before. He's not sure he can do a good job. "Just- about guys, you know? We can't be like them. With us, it's like a pressure valve. You gotta let off steam sometimes."
"Mmm, is that what this is?" Adam asks, and his fingers are- his hand is sliding down-
Kris breaths in sharply, his hips twitching. Adam's hand stills, but he's still cupping Kris's dick through his pants and it's all Kris can do not to ask for more.
"It's not cheating," Kris says and it's the first time either of them has said the word. He wishes, now, that he could take it back. It sounds too much like a lie. Adam's hand squeezes, just a little, and Kris bucks into him, biting down on a moan. "This is- this is just being friendly. We're not- we're friends."
The problem is that Adam is gay. Adam likes kissing and blowjobs and he would probably like fucking Kris if they were actually- actually in a relationship and not just... just being friendly.
The problem is that Adam hadn't known Kris was married. That's what started everything off on the wrong beat. Adam hadn't known Kris wasn't available and Kris hadn't quite figured out how not to be available.
The problem...
Kris bites down on his lip and comes, hips pushing against Adam's hand. He can feel Adam's cock, pressing a hard line against his back, and he thinks that he might... if Adam asked to fuck him right now, he might say 'yes'.
But Adam doesn't ask.
Kris slides the tip of his finger over his thumbnail - he can feel the edge of the nail polish, slightly ragged. He's not going to ask Adam to take it off, he decides. It's- it's not much, but it's a little piece of Adam that he can take home with him, something to keep with him until they get to see each other again.
He twists around in Adam's arms. Adam still hasn't had a chance to take his make-up off, though he hadn't worn as much this week as he sometimes did, but his foundation was heavy, the way he always made it and it'd rubbed off on the pillows a little. Kris kisses him, lingers over it, teeth tugging at Adam's lip.
Maybe it was the kissing that was the problem. Kissing was too... too much like a relationship, not enough like friendship.
Adam's hand is at the back of Kris's neck, fingers scratching lightly through his hair, and Kris sighs into Adam's mouth, slips his own hand down to cover Adam's cock. Adam is kinda huge, when it comes to his dick, and it's ridiculous in this weirdly awesome way. Still, maybe Kris should've stood his ground when it came to anything but handjobs, but Adam had blown him first and it would've been petty not to return the favor when Adam had asked.
Maybe...
There are too many maybes. Everything that Kris thinks about is something that he did wrong but it didn't- the frustrating part is that it hadn't felt wrong. It still doesn't.
Kris buries his face against Adam's neck, sucking lightly, scraping his teeth a little, and he pulls Adam's cock out and jerks him off, slowly, and Adam is talking again, saying sweet, dirty things that Kris doesn't really listen to - about Kris's hand, about Kris - and Kris bites down on his own lip until it aches.
Adam comes with a long, soft moan and then he tugs Kris's hand up between them and licks off the spatters and strings, biting down a little on the base of Kris's palm, his eyelids closed, eyelashes fanning down over his skin.
Kris isn't good with words like Adam is, but he wants - he thinks he could write a song about this moment, about the warmth of Adam's mouth and the way his make-up rubs away to show freckles and the odd... odd kindness that Adam shows when they're like this together, like he thinks Kris is-
"What happens with you and Drake if one of you wants to be more serious?" Kris asks and he doesn't even- it's not his business. He shouldn't care. "I mean- if you- does he break up with his other boyfriend? Would he?"
Adam laughs, and he presses a kiss against Kris's cheek. "We're not serious," he says, which Kris knew already, so he doesn't know why hearing it makes him feel better. "Don't worry about it."
"I wasn't-" Kris pulls away from Adam, tries to gather up his thoughts. "I'm not worried," he tells the ceiling. "I'm just- as your- I was just curious."
"As a friend," Adam says, and his voice is complicated, but when Kris looks over at him, he just looks like normal, sunny Adam. "Kris - what you do think is going to happen after we do our tour this summer?"
"What do you mean?" Kris asks and his glance drifts downward to notice that Adam's cock is still hanging out of his pants, so he reaches down and tucks it back inside. He buttons Adam up, while his hands are down there and everything. Kris's own pants are sticky and starting to dry in an uncomfortable way, so he'll need to take a shower. He should probably do that soon. Adam hasn't answered his question yet and when Kris looks up, Adam is staring at him, thoughtful and intense in a way that makes Kris want to hide in the bathroom for a couple of hours. Kris licks his lips. "I guess- we'll hopefully be able to work on records. I mean, you will, for sure, but I think that I might - did I tell you that Chris Daughtry called me?"
Adam just raises an eyebrow because, well, of course, he knew. He'd been in the room when Kris had gotten the call. There's a second of silence, awkward in the way that it never is between them, and then Adam says, gently, "Between us, Kris. What do you think is going to happen with us?"
Kris opens his mouth, but then hesitates, all possible answers found wanting. Nothing will change is just a lie - they won't be living together anymore. Kris will be living with Katy, the way he should be, the way that he's meant to be - and Adam will... Adam won't be with Drake, he'll be alone. Unless something major changes between him and Drake.
We'll still be friends is true, but it's not- he knows before he has a chance to say it that Adam won't think it's a good enough answer.
"I don't know," he says, finally. "I don't- I don't want anything to change."
"I'm not going to want this when tour is over," Adam says. He's matter-of-fact, and Kris knows that there's absolutely no reason - that he has no right - to feel like Adam just punched him. It shouldn't matter if they stop. It doesn't matter. Adam's hand is on his face, thumb rubbing at Kris's cheek, and it's wet but he's not- "I screwed up by not backing off the second I heard you were married, but... shit, baby, the way you respond when I touch you..."
Kris breaths in and it isn't shaky because he isn't crying. He doesn't cry. The rest of his family, they get overwhelmed and they cry, but Kris just hasn't ever been like that. Adam's lips are soft and he kisses Kris's face, over and over. Adam starts to pull away again and Kris catches him by back of his neck, whispers, "please," and his voice is rough. "Please don't go."
"I can't do this forever," Adam says, and Kris didn't say anything about forever, he just... he just doesn't want it to end now or after tour or... he knows that it has to end. He's told himself a million times that they probably wouldn't do this after all the Idol stuff was over. He doesn't get why it sounds different just because Adam is saying it. "I'm going to want a family someday; want to get married and maybe... I don't know, maybe even have kids - adopt or find a surrogate or something. I have plans of my own and they don't have you in them." Adam pauses and then adds, more softly, "They can't."
"What if they can?" Kris asks but he hadn't meant to say that. He doesn't have- but the words keep coming out. "What if- what if we can do that. Couldn't we do that?"
"I don't think Katy would like that plan," Adam says, but Kris can feel his gaze, sharp and assessing, weighing Kris's actions. Kris feels flushed and almost like he's drunk - a little reckless and needy. "Where does Katy fit into all this?"
Kris shakes his head and he doesn't- he doesn't want to think about that, but Adam won't let it go now that he's brought it up. "I don't- I don't know."
"You need to figure it out," Adam says, but he's not mean about it. He snags Kris's right hand, entwines their fingers. "Tell you what, let's make a... a deal, a promise, okay?"
"What do you mean?"
"When you go home - I think it'll be after the finale, but we'll see what happens - between the show and tour, you'll have at least a week, maybe more, when you can concentrate on Katy. If you-" Adam presses a kiss against Kris's knuckles. "If you still want this when we all get back together for tour rehearsals, you tell me and we'll figure out the next step. If not... nobody gets hurts."
"What about now?" Kris asks, and he doesn't think he can handle it if Adam stops everything now. This show is stressful enough when Adam's there with him. He doesn't think he can do it alone.
"Nothing has to change yet," Adam says and Kris smiles at him and Adam's kissing him again and then he says, "Wanna take a shower together?"
The answer is yes, of course.
It's hard to imagine it ever being 'no'.