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butterflyTitle: Sing Your Melody (I'll Sing Along)
Summary: Adam's world undergoes a significant shift when Kris cheats on Katy.
Pairings: Kris/Adam; Kris/OMC; Kris/Katy
Rating: PG-13; some Sexual Content
Sing Your Melody (I'll Sing Along)
"Katy and I might be getting a divorce."
Kris's words are so unexpected that Adam actually spit-takes, his water ending up all over himself. He blinks hard, his brain trying to process where the hell that came from, because they'd just been talking about the duet between them that Kris was hoping to get on his second album and fucking shit. He looks over at Kris, whose face is still and blank.
Adam's trying to make his voice work again when Kris stands up, his fingers twisting together and, good, he isn't frozen after all. Adam has no idea why that makes him feel better, except that he's still stuck on... "Why?"
There's a strange twist to Kris's mouth that Adam can't call a smile.
"It's actually-" Kris breaks off, turning away from Adam. His shoulders look tense as hell, but this is probably not a good time to offer a backrub. Kris laughs, but there's nothing happy in it. "I cheated on her."
Adam thinks that his brain might actually be playing tricks on him because-
"No, that can't be-"
Kris whirls around and Adam's never seen him look so pissed off and, more than that, he looks old and tired and how did Adam miss something this huge? Yeah, this is the first chance he and Kris have actually gotten to see each other face-to-face in two weeks, but this isn't... there isn't a chance in hell that Kris's head has gotten this fucked in only two weeks.
"And, hey, there's more." Kris says, and his voice has gone brittle, and Adam's half-glad that he's already sitting down and half-wanting to leap up to give Kris a hug, except that he's terrified that if he does that right now, Kris might actually break. "I went out- to a club that... and they-"
And, okay, screw the fact that he still doesn't know why or how, because Kris's voice is shaking, so Adam stands and wraps his arms around Kris, relief flooding him when Kris clings back tightly because that's familiar, that's something they can both hold onto, even though he still has no clue what the fuck is going on in Kris's head.
"Talk to me," Adam whispers into Kris's ear. "Thought you could tell me anything."
“I think someone got pictures,” Kris says, rough and low. Shit. And then words are tumbling out of him and Adam is just trying to keep up. “I got a message warning that- that someone had taken pictures. I- I was gonna tell Katy anyway, because she deserved... but I had to tell her then. Because if there's the chance- she deserves better. You know?”
Adam presses his mouth against the side of Kris's head, rubbing small circles into Kris's back. He can't think of anything to say except insanely useless and hurtful things like 'I never thought of you as a cheater' or 'But you love Katy', so he doesn't say anything, just makes a soft noise that Kris can take whatever way he wants.
“She forgave me,” Kris says, and he doesn't sound grateful but almost hurt and Adam can't figure that at all. “She thinks that- that if I got it out of my system-”
“It's not out,” Adam guesses, bringing one of his hands up to pet at Kris's hair. “Is it... is it someone special?”
It doesn't sound like it, not from what he'd said earlier, but Adam could adjust to this so much better if it's the truth. Kris falling in love and not being able to help himself seems so much more... understandable than what it sounds like he was doing. A club. Fuck. And then Kris chuckles and Adam's tiny hope dies, because the sound is bitter and choked.
“No.” And then Kris's next words make Adam feel like his heart's frozen solid. “I'd never seen him before in my life.”
Him.
Adam's eyes slip shut and his grip around Kris tightens, but he needs to think because this-
Even if it shouldn't make everything different, it does.
They don't talk about it anymore – after the hugging is over, Kris wants to work on music some and Adam humors him. It's pretty clear that Kris wants them to get back to normal and, even if Adam isn't sure whether or not that can happen, he can pretend for a few hours.
After Kris goes home, Adam gets very, very drunk and successfully thinks about nothing at all for the rest of the night.
Kris told him on a Tuesday. The pictures hit the gossip sheets that Thursday. Adam doesn't know how hard 19/Jive tried to negotiate the pictures out of the press but he's not surprised that they failed. There are about a dozen pictures spread out among around five tabloids and the photos are painfully clear, despite the darkness of the club. He can't imagine any tabloid not wanting to run them.
The least damning one is of Kris alone at the bar, half-turned from the camera and looking like he's ordering a drink. He has a black newsboy cap pulled down over his hair, but Adam knows Kris's profile and there's no mistaking that mouth. Kris is wearing the tightest jeans that Adam's ever seen on him and a dark shirt that could be purple or red. The worst part of this picture is that it shows that Kris didn't have a chance that night; that he'd been recognized even doing his best to blend into the crowd.
There's a picture that shows the initial contact between Kris and the guy – Adam still doesn't know his name, so he's come to think of him as The Fling, which is kinder than any of the other alternatives his mind came up with – and The Fling's hand is covering Kris's on the countertop of the bar and Kris is biting down on his lower lip. The Fling's face isn't visible, of course, because the opportunistic fucker behind the camera knew what kind of shots would sell, but he's about four inches taller than Kris, though not much wider. He's dressed in what looks like leather pants, no shirt, with a spiked collar around his neck and he glimmers with specks of reflected light. He looks like he might have blond hair, but it's hard to tell.
There are other pictures, but there are only three that take the whole thing from being salacious but explainable and upgrade it into 'Fallen Idol?' territory (which, incidentally, Adam thinks is the stupidest headline in the world).
The first one of those is the kiss – there's only one with a kiss, but it's effective enough. It's a profile shot – taken after Kris and The Fling had started to move toward the backroom – and Kris is pressed up against the wall of the hallway and he's being kissed in the middle of a smile, and his eyes are crinkled up at the corners and it's not a dirty kiss or a kiss that's meant for a club. It's affectionate and happy, and Kris's right hand is on The Fling's waist, his fingers curled and it's obvious that he's pulling the guy closer. The Fling's far hand is clear on the wall behind Kris's head and his other hand is playing with the hem of Kris's shirt.
There's the picture that was taken after The Fling pulled away – Kris's head is back against the wall, his lips are still parted, and it looks like his eyes are closed. The Fling has a finger through one of Kris's beltloops and he's half-turned away, caught in the moment before he starts to tug Kris back along the hallway.
The last picture was obviously taken afterwards, so the asshole stuck around, waiting for Kris to get done – Kris and The Fling are coming back out of the hallway and Kris's hand is touching his mouth and his jeans are zipped up but not buttoned. It's the only picture that has a clear shot of The Fling and, honestly, Adam's opinion is that he's maybe cute but not the best-looking guy. His nose looks like it's been broken a time or two and his tiny smirk sets off a dimple in his right cheek. The contrast in their facial expressions is what nags at Adam – The Fling is obviously well-satisfied, while Kris looks uncertain, even troubled.
He stares at that picture the longest.
He wonders if 19 is going to try to argue that the pictures were photoshopped. He wonders if people would believe that. All of the tabloids, of course, also feature tiny pictures of Katy – crying, happy Katy from one of the times that Kris got through on the show is the most popular – talking about how the 'perfect marriage' was nothing but a sham.
Which is bullshit. Kris loves Katy. Adam's willing to bet his life on that.
He's actually about half-way decided to call Kris when his phone goes off – text message, the mindless electronica ringtone that he has set for Twitter. He slides open his phone and-
He's going to fucking kill Kris the next time he sees him. Of all the stupid things to do, he has to do this.
KrisAllen4Real: every1 tweeting me re: the pics; yes, they're real. I'm sure they'll be brought up in my next interview, so keep breathing and stay patient.
He doesn't bother looking at either his or Kris's twitter @ responses. He's pretty sure that he can guess what's filling both of them up. Instead, he sends off a text to Kris, blasting him for being an idiot. He'd call, but he's pretty sure that all he could do right now is yell and that's not going to help anyone.
Kris doesn't text back and Adam's not sure how he feels about that. His phone buzzes and it's his mom on the line and-
She wants to know about the pictures. She wants to know if Kris is okay. He didn't answer his phone, she tells him. All Adam can say is that he doesn't know. That Kris hasn't called him either. When she asks if he knew, Adam can't think of a thing to say and she sighs, heavy and loud, and she tells him to let Kris know that she loves him, if he gets the chance.
After her, Neil is the next person to call, and Adam spends most of his day either answering calls or avoiding them. He doesn't go outside because he's pretty sure that he'll punch the first paparazzi asshole who tries to ask him about Kris. Katy doesn't call. No one from Kris's family calls and when Adam tries calling Kris's parents, they don't answer.
Around five o'clock, there's a single text from Kris and it just says sorry.
By this time, his anger at Kris has completely cooled, so his text back is full of encouragement and you can talk to me, but Kris doesn't text or call. Adam makes himself dinner and, around six, he turns on the news. There are, of course, huge things going on in the world that have nothing to do with Kris... with Kris having sex with a guy, so Adam has to flip around for a while until he runs into a station that's covering it – MTV news, naturally.
They're arguing over whether or not Kris's tweet counts as an 'official statement' because 19 and Jive are both currently saying 'no comment'. Kris was seen being ushered into the main offices early in the morning; they don't say whether or not Katy was with him. When one of the anchors says, lightly, “And we'd all thought that the straight guy had won that year-” Adam throws his remote at the TV, wincing slightly at the crack it makes.
And then he has to get up to turn it off anyway.
He holes up in bed after that, ignoring the sound of his cell until – at close to eight o'clock, a snippet of “Falling Slowly” starts up and he lunges for the phone.
“Kris,” he says, slightly breathless. “You okay?”
“Not really,” Kris says and, yeah. Kris sounds exhausted, completely run-down. “But it's not going to get easier any time soon.”
“What were you thinking?” Adam asks. “You still had options, you didn't have to-”
“Tell the truth?” Kris says. “Maybe I'm tired of lying.”
It's another of those moments that stops Adam cold. “Are you- have you-”
“No,” Kris says. And of course he knows what Adam was trying to ask. “That was the first time I'd done anything with a guy. It just wasn't the first time I'd thought about it.”
Adam closes his eyes and he's trying really hard to be careful here. “Kris, I was... why didn't you ever tell me? You had to know that I would understand.”
“It's not- it's not about that, Adam,” Kris says. But Kris doesn't say what it is about. “Because I won't lie about the pictures and I won't pretend that it's not affecting my marriage, they're... they're kinda pressuring me to say that Casey wasn't a one-night stand-”
“Casey?” Adam asks and he feels like an idiot the second after he says it because-
“The guy from that night,” Kris says and Adam isn't so deeply in shock that he doesn't notice how nervous Kris sounds. “Which... I mean... I'm pretty sure that he'd be fine pretending, but I'm not sure if I can do it. And it's more lying which is... what do you think?”
“I don't know,” Adam says. “I don't- have you talked to him?”
“No, I- he's tried calling a few times-”
“He has your number?” Adam asks, can't help himself.
“We, um. Yeah,” Kris says, and Adam can just picture him right now, the way he wouldn't be able to meet Adam's eyes. “After we- he said that he was a fan, and he gave me his number and I gave him mine because it just seemed... rude not to? He's actually... he's the one that told me that he'd heard rumors that someone had gotten pictures.”
“And you know for sure that he didn't... have anything to do with the pictures?” Adam hates to ask, because he likes that Kris generally thinks the best of people, but there's definitely a chance it could be true. 'Casey' could have been trolling for celebrities to fuck for pictures.
“Not a chance,” Kris says immediately, which is either reassuring or worrying. There's a moment of silence and Adam can hear Kris breathing unevenly. “Adam... are we okay?”
And his voice is tiny and he sounds terrified and it isn't hard at all for Adam to say, “Of course, we are. Fuck, Kris. Of course. Just... you tell me what you need me to say.”
“Still don't know what I'm going to say,” Kris says, and he sounds so relieved and Adam really wishes that he could be where Kris is right now, because he hates that Kris worried over whether or not Adam would be there for him. “The worst part of this is... it means that everyone's going to be going after the people I care about – especially you and Katy.”
Adam can't say that he hasn't thought about that. He's used to assholes asking questions; Katy isn't.
“The company was saying that I should stay away from you,” Kris says, his voice tightening. “Which... I told them that there wasn't a chance in hell, and they kinda shut up for a while after that.”
Adam laughs, because... “They have a point.”
“I don't care,” Kris says and he's using the stubborn voice that he's always used when people want him to stop being so close with Adam or in any way imply that he shouldn't be friends with Adam. And Adam can't lie – he loves that Kris is completely unwilling to back down from their friendship. “You and me... that's not even a question. If anyone wants to think this... that this is your fault or anything stupid like that, staying away from you only makes it look worse anyway.”
“I haven't talked to RCA yet,” Adam admits. “They've called, but I didn't answer the phone. And I haven't been answering my door. Management isn't going to be happy with me either.”
“I know,” Kris says. “I have an interview tomorrow and they've tried drilling me on what I'm supposed to say. I told them a million times that I wasn't going to lie, but I think they're still hoping that I'll give in.”
“They don't know you.”
Kris laughs. “Not like you do.” And his voice is so fond that it makes Adam's heart skip a beat. Kris isn't saying anything that he wouldn't have said before, but before all this, Adam had always known that Kris could only mean what he was saying in a teasing, friendly way. Now, he can't stop thinking that Kris has had some kind of sex with a guy.
He can't help wondering if he could've been that guy, if he'd only made a move. And then he feels like an asshole, because he likes Katy and he isn't exactly a fan of cheating.
“Kris.” And Adam has no right to ask this, but he can't help himself. “Did you- were you careful?”
“I didn't need to be,” Kris says, and he doesn't sound as though he thinks that Adam's overstepped. “We didn't even- that's the stupid thing. We didn't even do that much. He- he gave me a blow job but I didn't even-” Kris breaks off, chuckles and he sounds a little embarrassed but he keeps going. “He, um. He wanted to jerk off on my face. And then he wanted to. To lick it off. That's all that happened. And then he- told me that he knew my real name and that he was a fan, so-”
“Your real name?” Adam asks.
“I was kinda using an alias,” Kris says.
“What name were you using?”
“Neil.”
“Your middle name,” Adam says flatly and he's... he's trying not to laugh, but it's hard. “Baby, that is the worst 'alias' I've ever heard.” And Kris had probably blushed when he'd said it, making it even clearer that he was hiding something.
“I don't have a lot of experience at this!” Kris says and he sounds so much younger than twenty-five. Adam hears him drawing in a heavy breath. “And, hey, because of this, I don't... I don't need any. I'm trying to- I'm trying to make myself believe that this is for the best. Because if I hadn't been caught, I would have- Eventually, I would have gone back there or to another place. Or I would have called Casey like he wanted.”
“You're sure about that?” Adam asks.
“Yeah,” Kris says. “I'm sure.”
Adam swallows. So. Wants a divorce. Won't pretend that his relationship with Katy wasn't affected. And, after he tried it, Kris knows that he wants more. Adam knows what all that adds up to and he never, ever wanted Kris to have to go through the same kind of bullshit that he has to experience every day, but if Kris has made up his mind... or if Kris has realized that he doesn't have a choice, if it's that kind of deal, Adam has to be there for him, one-hundred percent.
“I need to see you,” Adam says, and he hadn't meant it to come out just that way.
“I could... if you talk to RCA, maybe you can come with me to my press... thing,” Kris says. “They won't be happy about it, but if you stay off-camera, they can't have a real objection. This isn't your scandal... it just... it would help to have you there.”
“I'll do what I can,” Adam promises.
After they say goodbye and hang up, Adam lies in his bed and, even though it's habit for him to jerk off before he goes to sleep, he doesn't tonight. There's only one guy he can think of right now, and he's not going to do that to himself.
It takes him a long time to get to sleep.
When he calls in the morning, RCA tells him 'absolutely not'. He tries to explain that having him there would be a good thing for them, that he can help convince Kris not to completely lose his fanbase, but they don't believe him.
Maybe they're right not to.
Shit, no matter what Kris says, he knows that he's part of this. Whether or not Kris is attracted to him – and he falls on the side of 'not' at this point – he's still the one that introduced Kris to the big-city gay lifestyle. And he's... he's managed to convince himself that that's not wrong, because this wouldn't be coming out in Kris if it hadn't been inside him before.
He can't get through to Kris on the phone again, but Katy calls him. He stares at her name for a second and when he answers, he feels defensive before she says a word, whether or not that's fair.
“Hey, Katy.”
“He's going to be on around ten-thirty,” she says, with no greeting for him. It doesn't sound like she's gotten any sleep recently. “Um. I think it's channel twelve for you. He'd want you to know. The label mentioned that they'd turned down his request to have you there.”
“Katy, I-”
“Not now, okay, Adam?” Her voice is high and tight and he nods, even though she can't see him. “I really don't think I can do this right now.”
She disconnects and Adam just sits there for a few minutes. It's only eight-thirty, so he goes and makes himself breakfast, turning a thought over in his head. Maybe he can't be there for Kris, but there is something that he can do.
He pulls out his phone and carefully types in I hope all my fans are sending their love & support to my friend @krisallen4real right now. I've never known a better guy. and sends it off to Twitter. It'll probably piss off RCA, but he really doesn't give a fuck. Kris is more important.
The next person calling is Brad, and Adam sighs.
“Don't say it,” Adam warns after he answers.
“Don't say what?” Brad asks, but he drops the flippant tone pretty quickly. “Just letting you know that I found the guy who slept with your friend. Casey Crumble, which is... so the kind of name that gets you swirlies in high school.”
“It's not my business,” Adam says. He bites down on his lip and then gives in. “Okay, talk. What's he like?”
“He's got nothing but good things to say about your boy,” Brad says. “In his regular life, he's an accountant, which is ridiculous, but it seems to be true. He wasn't talking real loudly about what happened, but he's got a unique face-” Adam snorted. Yeah, true enough. “-so everyone knew who he was about an hour after the pictures dropped. Are you doing okay, sweetie?”
“I'm not the one who got outed,” Adam points out.
“Yeah, you're just the guy in love with him.”
Adam literally can't speak. He just- he doesn't think that his throat actually works anymore.
“Oh, honey, did you really think you were hiding it?” And Brad is being gentle, the fucker, and Adam kinda wants to cry. “Did you think that I couldn't see it? Come on, I'm not blind.”
Adam still can't think of anything to say, because it isn't true, he has worked so hard to make it stop being true. And if Brad can see it, then all of that was for absolutely nothing.
“I'm sorry,” Brad says, sincerely. “I am so sorry. I really thought that you knew that I knew.”
But he didn't know, is all that Adam can think to say, though his mouth doesn't open. After a moment, he tries again. “Call me back later?” is what he manages, forcing the words through the lump in his throat. Brad murmurs assent and Adam disconnects the call.
He calls his mom and his opening sentence is, “I'm in love with Kris.”
She isn't surprised, isn't shocked, and Adam wonders how obvious he's been. Because he's pulled away from Kris so much, has deliberately chosen to take a step back whenever they've been on camera together post-show and especially after the tour and their records dropped. He's worked so hard at not being in love that it seems horribly unfair that he didn't succeed.
He and his mom talk for over an hour and he only finally gets off the phone when he sees that the time is starting to get close to ten-thirty. He curls up on his couch and turns on the TV, and the first thing that he sees makes him want to throw up a little. The woman is tiny and blonde and reminds him way too much of Katy and her voice is perky when she says, “Coming up soon, we have season eight's American Idol winner Kris Allen talking about those pesky pictures and exactly why he isn't trying to deny anything.”
His first thought on seeing Kris is that Kris actually looks a lot better than he was expecting. It looks like Kris got a good night's sleep and he's relaxing back into his chair like it's an interview that he wants to do, not something that he's been forced into. Adam doesn't know the guy interviewing Kris, but he's older and kinda tall, with dark hair, and underneath his serious look, it seems like something in his eyes is smiling when he looks at Kris.
“So, here I am with Kris Allen, who graciously gave us his exclusive over those tabloid pictures,” the guy – Barry something – says. He turns to Kris. “Let's start with something you mentioned to me earlier – why aren't you denying the pictures? The room was pretty dark – you probably could have convinced us that it was a look-alike or just an honest mistake.”
And Adam sees why Kris is so calm now – this guy isn't attacking him, seems almost as low-key as Kris is himself, usually. Did he get to pick his own interviewer? When Adam thinks about it, for all the money that Kris has made Jive, it makes sense that they'd want a soft-ball interview. They need to make sure his name is still marketable.
“I'm not all that good at lying,” Kris says, and his smile looks real. “It was – and I don't know whether or not the people watching will believe this – but it was the first time I'd done anything like that. I've always believed that if you find out something true about yourself, denying it is... pointless. That's what I learned when I almost gave up on music – landing on American Idol showed me how wrong I was. If I tried to run away from this, it would catch up eventually.”
“Now, I'm given to understand that you will be seeing the young man again,” Barry says, giving Kris an expectant look.
“That's true,” Kris says, more smoothly than Adam would have expected. “I have his phone number and I... I called him this morning, actually, and we talked for a while. Out of respect for his privacy, though, I'd rather we didn't talk about him any more.”
“I can understand that,” Barry says and this is like watching a dance routine where every foot is landing exactly where it should. “Now, your fans are experiencing a certain level of confusion, even disappointment.”
“That's perfectly understandable,” Kris says. He glances directly into the camera and he just... radiates sincerity all over the place. “I made a mistake in acting on my feelings before getting a divorce. I freely acknowledge that and I apologize for it. I hope that my fans are people who understand that I'm human and I can make mistakes. And I hope that they decide whether or not to stay my fans based on my music and not my personal life.”
There's some more chatter after that, but it looks like the most important part of what Kris is saying is done. Adam doesn't know whether or not people will think it was good enough, but he doesn't really feel up to checking out the response online. After the interview is over, Adam turns his TV back off.
Fifteen minutes later, he's getting a call from Kris.
“Hey there,” Kris says, and all the nerves that didn't come across in the interview are on full display in his voice. “Did you get a chance to watch?”
“Yeah, it seemed to go fine,” Adam says, soothingly. “Are you really seeing Casey again?”
“I am,” Kris says. “We... we did talk this morning and he was- he was really upset that I'd gotten in trouble. He seems like a nice enough guy, so I figured- why not?”
Especially if it was the easiest way for the media to forgive him, whispers a cynical part of Adam. He shrugs that thought away and concentrates on listening to Kris. “If this is what you want, you know that you've got my support,” Adam says.
“Thank you,” Kris says. “I don't say it enough, but thank you, Adam.”
“Any time,” Adam says. The conversation turns to music and Adam lets Kris talk him into doing that duet, finally, and they set up a time to meet and pick out one of the songs that they've been playing with. When it's time to say goodbye, Adam hesitates for a moment and then says, “Love you, man, see you next week.”
“... love you, too,” Kris says, and there's something in his voice that Adam isn't sure he wants to explore, so he clicks off his phone.
The world of American Idol has pretty much exploded; that's what Adam discovers when he finally goes online the next day. It's actually a relief when he goes over to the mainstream music sites – they seem to be more lenient and willing to talk about how Kris is still an excellent musician and... it's possible that it's going to be okay. The fanbase that Kris built outside of Idol isn't all that invested in his marriage – Katy hadn't ever gotten involved in his image and had mostly stayed outside the limelight. He actually finds more articles confused over the fact that Kris was married than over the idea that he's possibly gay.
He still doesn't go outside. It was one thing when people were yelling shit at him over this stuff. He needs time to adjust to the idea of people asking him about Kris. Neil comes over and Adam lets him in, and they mostly hang out in silence – Neil commandeers Adam's computer and plays games on it for a few hours while Adam pretends that he's writing music. It's actually pretty comforting, up until Neil clears his throat and says, “Mom told me,” and Adam has to remember how much his life kinda sucks right now.
Luckily, that's all Neil says, maybe because he sees the look on Adam's face, and he goes back to playing games for another couple of hours before he leaves.
He's not quite masochistic enough to phone Drake and ask if he noticed too, if that has anything to do with why Drake had wanted them to stop seeing each other, but it's actually a pretty close call. Instead, he calls RCA and tells them that he desperately needs to work on his album and won't be available for meetings or interviews for a couple of weeks and refuses to let them talk him out of it. It's a small victory, but it makes him feel better.
That night, he manages to successfully avoid jerking to the thought of Kris yet again.
So. That's something.
On Saturday, pictures of Casey and Kris surface – these look so much more innocent, all draped in sunshine and lemonade. They're at what looks like a very small, very private cafe and the only pictures taken are through the window, and very briefly of Kris and Casey each leaving separately. Kris is smiling, but he doesn't really look happy.
When they meet up on Tuesday, there's a crowd of annoying jerks with flashing cameras following Kris around and they shout the really stupid things that they always shout and Kris has a faint flush on his cheeks, but he's ignoring them. Kris and Adam don't manage to shake them until they actually get inside the building.
“They're persistent,” Kris says, with a backward look at the doors. “Do they really think that yelling at me is going to make me break down and tell them what they want to hear?”
“They're just hoping,” Adam says. “They want some kind of reaction. You're doing well, though, so don't worry about it.”
Kris shrugs, and then he reaches out to wrap an arm around Adam's waist. “Shoot me the next time I agree to a date with a fan, please.”
“What happened?” Adam asks, doing his best not to sound happy. They head toward the room that they'd signed up for and Adam gives in to his impulses and puts his hand on Kris's shoulder.
“He told me that I was perfect,” Kris says. “I cheated on my wife and he thinks that I'm perfect. He's clearly one of the deluded ones.”
Adam snorts. “Or he doesn't base your entire character on one incident.”
“Trust me,” Kris says and Adam can practically hear him rolling his eyes. “I could have shot someone at lunch and he would only have complimented me on my aim. How do you find guys, anyway?”
“What?”
“I mean, you're, like, ten times as famous as I am, so how do you date without running into people who just want you because you're... 'Adam Lambert'?”
“I'm not even going to try to guess where you're pulling that number from, Kristopher,” Adam teases. They've reached the writing studio and Adam waves Kris inside. “And, to answer your question, how many dates have I told you about?”
“You haven't told me about any since you and Drake broke up. That's why I'm asking,” Kris says, shooting Adam a 'duh' look.
“Kris, you know exactly as much about my dating life as I do,” Adam says. It takes a second and then Kris breathes in sharply.
“Really?”
“Really.”
Kris's eyes widen and then he turns away from Adam, pacing to the other end of the room and dropping down into the couch at the far end, leaning his guitar case against the table. He pulls off his messenger bag and drops it down next to the couch and Adam can see him biting down on his lip.
“Is it really that much of a shock?” Adam asks, leaning against the door frame. “You've just had a look at how hard it is to find anyone.”
“This is why I liked being married while I was on the show,” Kris says, and his head has fallen back against the couch – he looks a bit like a marionette with its strings cut. “I knew those girls who liked me... it wasn't about me. What Katy and I had- I knew it was real, because it started before anyone knew my name, before I'd sold a single record. How do I ever know anymore if I've found something real?”
“I don't know,” Adam says, and he's been staring at Kris so long that it feels like his eyes are burning. “How- how's Katy doing?”
Kris waves a hand distractedly. “Still trying to convince me that I'm making a mistake, last time we spoke. My mom's been okay. Your mom called and she was really, really nice. I'm glad- I'm glad she still likes me.”
“Of course, she does,” Adam says staunchly. “We're a loyal group. We're all behind you, I promise.”
“I'll remember that,” Kris says, and he's smiling now. “My dad- he was better after the first couple of hours. Katy's parents kinda want to kill me, but I can't really blame them for that. I got a guilt call from my old church-” and Adam knows his pettiness shows in how glad he is at the disenchanted note in Kris's voice when he mentions that call. “- but most of my friends have been supportive. Charles was great. He's actually coming out next week.”
“Tell him he only should if he really is attracted to other men,” Adam says, and Kris raises his head to look at Adam, lifts an eyebrow, and then breaks down into a helpless fit of laughter.
“You are such a dork,” Kris says, and he pats the empty space on the couch. “Come on, you, let's pick out a song.”
Kris breaks out his guitar and they spend the afternoon going over different lyrics and tunes – they already know that this is a song about them, about their friendship, because it couldn't be about anything else. It's the details that aren't quite lining up straight. And Adam is pretty sure that it's his fault – he's trying too hard not to go with lyrics or melodies that strike him as romantic and it's dragging down the entire session.
“This was definitely going more smoothly the last time we got together,” Kris says, and he's reaching up to work a kink out of his neck. Adam murmurs agreement, pressing his lips together so that he doesn't offer to rub Kris's neck. He'd been doing so great with denial, that's the problem. And Kris being straight had made things so much easier. He doesn't quite know how he fits with a Kris who isn't one-hundred percent not interested in his gender. They're sitting exactly the way that they would before, but Adam isn't able to numb his reactions to touching Kris the way that he did before. Knowing that there's the slightest chance that, if he reached out, Kris might actually reach back, is making him itch underneath his skin.
Kris strums, his fingers finding chords and picking out melodies – Kris's innate gift for instruments always leaves Adam slightly breathless, and he zones out a little on Kris's hands, strong and certain on the strings. “Maybe we need to start over,” Kris says, thoughtfully. “Or go backward. Something. Something's different.” And Adam can see that Kris's eyes are closed, but his fingers are still sure, no hesitation. “It feels like something's different.”
Kris's fingers still and the last chord hangs in the air, slowly fading out. Kris turns his head toward Adam and opens his eyes, and Adam has no clue what Kris is thinking. All he really knows is that he hasn't stopped staring at Kris since they came into the room and that his hands are sweating like he's a teenager again, when he never had the guts to make a move on anyone he liked. Kris's eyes narrow.
“Do you ever think about it?” Kris asks. Adam shakes his head slightly, not sure what Kris is asking. “The beginning, I mean,” Kris clarifies. “Do you ever think back to the beginning, when you and I first met.”
All the time, Adam doesn't say. He watches Kris carefully. Kris unhooks the guitar and leans forward to set it on the table – his shirt pulls up in back, revealing a strip of lightly-tanned skin. When he sits back, he shifts his knee up slightly so that he can face Adam more easily.
“I've been thinking about that a lot recently,” Kris says. He licks his lips and Adam can't help it – his eyes shift down to watch. When he looks back up, Kris is looking right back at him. “Back when we first became roommates, I think the second thing you learned about me – after my name – was that I was married.”
“Yeah,” Adam agrees. Kris had been such a kid and Adam had been kinda floored to find out that he was a newlywed.
“What if I hadn't been?” Kris asks, head tilting. “What if... what if Katy and I had broken up instead and I'd been a single guy rooming with you?”
“I'm not sure what you're asking,” Adam says, which is a complete lie and it's obvious that Kris knows it.
“You said I was your type,” Kris says.
“It would have been a mistake.” And Adam doesn't have any doubts about that. “I was still- still hung up on Brad. If we'd... anything we'd done back then would have just been a rebound. And I don't think we could have been friends after.” Kris nods, like Adam just confirmed something for him.
“So, I was right,” Kris says, and he's reaching up to touch Adam's cheek. So softly, but Adam can feel the ridges of his guitar calluses.
“Right about what?” Adam whispers.
“It all happened for the best,” Kris says. He's smiling now and Adam can't quite catch his breath. “We both had to be in the right place. And we are, aren't we?”
And Adam didn't have to answer, but he does anyway – he leans over and presses his mouth against Kris's, and the kiss is gentle and dry, and he has to blink back the tears that want to fall. Kris sighs into the kiss and Adam places a hand on his back, pulling him slightly closer. Their tongues touch for a second and then retreat again and Kris pulls away. He's still smiling.
“That's what was wrong with the duet,” he says, lightly brushing his knuckles against Adam's cheek. “We couldn't get it right because we were writing the wrong kind of song.”
Kris's hand reaches out for his and their fingers tangle together. Kris's smile widens and Adam grins back, still helpless but kinda okay with it now.
“It was always supposed to be a love song,” Kris says.
And, this time, Kris is the one who kisses him.
~end~
Summary: Adam's world undergoes a significant shift when Kris cheats on Katy.
Pairings: Kris/Adam; Kris/OMC; Kris/Katy
Rating: PG-13; some Sexual Content
"Katy and I might be getting a divorce."
Kris's words are so unexpected that Adam actually spit-takes, his water ending up all over himself. He blinks hard, his brain trying to process where the hell that came from, because they'd just been talking about the duet between them that Kris was hoping to get on his second album and fucking shit. He looks over at Kris, whose face is still and blank.
Adam's trying to make his voice work again when Kris stands up, his fingers twisting together and, good, he isn't frozen after all. Adam has no idea why that makes him feel better, except that he's still stuck on... "Why?"
There's a strange twist to Kris's mouth that Adam can't call a smile.
"It's actually-" Kris breaks off, turning away from Adam. His shoulders look tense as hell, but this is probably not a good time to offer a backrub. Kris laughs, but there's nothing happy in it. "I cheated on her."
Adam thinks that his brain might actually be playing tricks on him because-
"No, that can't be-"
Kris whirls around and Adam's never seen him look so pissed off and, more than that, he looks old and tired and how did Adam miss something this huge? Yeah, this is the first chance he and Kris have actually gotten to see each other face-to-face in two weeks, but this isn't... there isn't a chance in hell that Kris's head has gotten this fucked in only two weeks.
"And, hey, there's more." Kris says, and his voice has gone brittle, and Adam's half-glad that he's already sitting down and half-wanting to leap up to give Kris a hug, except that he's terrified that if he does that right now, Kris might actually break. "I went out- to a club that... and they-"
And, okay, screw the fact that he still doesn't know why or how, because Kris's voice is shaking, so Adam stands and wraps his arms around Kris, relief flooding him when Kris clings back tightly because that's familiar, that's something they can both hold onto, even though he still has no clue what the fuck is going on in Kris's head.
"Talk to me," Adam whispers into Kris's ear. "Thought you could tell me anything."
“I think someone got pictures,” Kris says, rough and low. Shit. And then words are tumbling out of him and Adam is just trying to keep up. “I got a message warning that- that someone had taken pictures. I- I was gonna tell Katy anyway, because she deserved... but I had to tell her then. Because if there's the chance- she deserves better. You know?”
Adam presses his mouth against the side of Kris's head, rubbing small circles into Kris's back. He can't think of anything to say except insanely useless and hurtful things like 'I never thought of you as a cheater' or 'But you love Katy', so he doesn't say anything, just makes a soft noise that Kris can take whatever way he wants.
“She forgave me,” Kris says, and he doesn't sound grateful but almost hurt and Adam can't figure that at all. “She thinks that- that if I got it out of my system-”
“It's not out,” Adam guesses, bringing one of his hands up to pet at Kris's hair. “Is it... is it someone special?”
It doesn't sound like it, not from what he'd said earlier, but Adam could adjust to this so much better if it's the truth. Kris falling in love and not being able to help himself seems so much more... understandable than what it sounds like he was doing. A club. Fuck. And then Kris chuckles and Adam's tiny hope dies, because the sound is bitter and choked.
“No.” And then Kris's next words make Adam feel like his heart's frozen solid. “I'd never seen him before in my life.”
Him.
Adam's eyes slip shut and his grip around Kris tightens, but he needs to think because this-
Even if it shouldn't make everything different, it does.
They don't talk about it anymore – after the hugging is over, Kris wants to work on music some and Adam humors him. It's pretty clear that Kris wants them to get back to normal and, even if Adam isn't sure whether or not that can happen, he can pretend for a few hours.
After Kris goes home, Adam gets very, very drunk and successfully thinks about nothing at all for the rest of the night.
Kris told him on a Tuesday. The pictures hit the gossip sheets that Thursday. Adam doesn't know how hard 19/Jive tried to negotiate the pictures out of the press but he's not surprised that they failed. There are about a dozen pictures spread out among around five tabloids and the photos are painfully clear, despite the darkness of the club. He can't imagine any tabloid not wanting to run them.
The least damning one is of Kris alone at the bar, half-turned from the camera and looking like he's ordering a drink. He has a black newsboy cap pulled down over his hair, but Adam knows Kris's profile and there's no mistaking that mouth. Kris is wearing the tightest jeans that Adam's ever seen on him and a dark shirt that could be purple or red. The worst part of this picture is that it shows that Kris didn't have a chance that night; that he'd been recognized even doing his best to blend into the crowd.
There's a picture that shows the initial contact between Kris and the guy – Adam still doesn't know his name, so he's come to think of him as The Fling, which is kinder than any of the other alternatives his mind came up with – and The Fling's hand is covering Kris's on the countertop of the bar and Kris is biting down on his lower lip. The Fling's face isn't visible, of course, because the opportunistic fucker behind the camera knew what kind of shots would sell, but he's about four inches taller than Kris, though not much wider. He's dressed in what looks like leather pants, no shirt, with a spiked collar around his neck and he glimmers with specks of reflected light. He looks like he might have blond hair, but it's hard to tell.
There are other pictures, but there are only three that take the whole thing from being salacious but explainable and upgrade it into 'Fallen Idol?' territory (which, incidentally, Adam thinks is the stupidest headline in the world).
The first one of those is the kiss – there's only one with a kiss, but it's effective enough. It's a profile shot – taken after Kris and The Fling had started to move toward the backroom – and Kris is pressed up against the wall of the hallway and he's being kissed in the middle of a smile, and his eyes are crinkled up at the corners and it's not a dirty kiss or a kiss that's meant for a club. It's affectionate and happy, and Kris's right hand is on The Fling's waist, his fingers curled and it's obvious that he's pulling the guy closer. The Fling's far hand is clear on the wall behind Kris's head and his other hand is playing with the hem of Kris's shirt.
There's the picture that was taken after The Fling pulled away – Kris's head is back against the wall, his lips are still parted, and it looks like his eyes are closed. The Fling has a finger through one of Kris's beltloops and he's half-turned away, caught in the moment before he starts to tug Kris back along the hallway.
The last picture was obviously taken afterwards, so the asshole stuck around, waiting for Kris to get done – Kris and The Fling are coming back out of the hallway and Kris's hand is touching his mouth and his jeans are zipped up but not buttoned. It's the only picture that has a clear shot of The Fling and, honestly, Adam's opinion is that he's maybe cute but not the best-looking guy. His nose looks like it's been broken a time or two and his tiny smirk sets off a dimple in his right cheek. The contrast in their facial expressions is what nags at Adam – The Fling is obviously well-satisfied, while Kris looks uncertain, even troubled.
He stares at that picture the longest.
He wonders if 19 is going to try to argue that the pictures were photoshopped. He wonders if people would believe that. All of the tabloids, of course, also feature tiny pictures of Katy – crying, happy Katy from one of the times that Kris got through on the show is the most popular – talking about how the 'perfect marriage' was nothing but a sham.
Which is bullshit. Kris loves Katy. Adam's willing to bet his life on that.
He's actually about half-way decided to call Kris when his phone goes off – text message, the mindless electronica ringtone that he has set for Twitter. He slides open his phone and-
He's going to fucking kill Kris the next time he sees him. Of all the stupid things to do, he has to do this.
KrisAllen4Real: every1 tweeting me re: the pics; yes, they're real. I'm sure they'll be brought up in my next interview, so keep breathing and stay patient.
He doesn't bother looking at either his or Kris's twitter @ responses. He's pretty sure that he can guess what's filling both of them up. Instead, he sends off a text to Kris, blasting him for being an idiot. He'd call, but he's pretty sure that all he could do right now is yell and that's not going to help anyone.
Kris doesn't text back and Adam's not sure how he feels about that. His phone buzzes and it's his mom on the line and-
She wants to know about the pictures. She wants to know if Kris is okay. He didn't answer his phone, she tells him. All Adam can say is that he doesn't know. That Kris hasn't called him either. When she asks if he knew, Adam can't think of a thing to say and she sighs, heavy and loud, and she tells him to let Kris know that she loves him, if he gets the chance.
After her, Neil is the next person to call, and Adam spends most of his day either answering calls or avoiding them. He doesn't go outside because he's pretty sure that he'll punch the first paparazzi asshole who tries to ask him about Kris. Katy doesn't call. No one from Kris's family calls and when Adam tries calling Kris's parents, they don't answer.
Around five o'clock, there's a single text from Kris and it just says sorry.
By this time, his anger at Kris has completely cooled, so his text back is full of encouragement and you can talk to me, but Kris doesn't text or call. Adam makes himself dinner and, around six, he turns on the news. There are, of course, huge things going on in the world that have nothing to do with Kris... with Kris having sex with a guy, so Adam has to flip around for a while until he runs into a station that's covering it – MTV news, naturally.
They're arguing over whether or not Kris's tweet counts as an 'official statement' because 19 and Jive are both currently saying 'no comment'. Kris was seen being ushered into the main offices early in the morning; they don't say whether or not Katy was with him. When one of the anchors says, lightly, “And we'd all thought that the straight guy had won that year-” Adam throws his remote at the TV, wincing slightly at the crack it makes.
And then he has to get up to turn it off anyway.
He holes up in bed after that, ignoring the sound of his cell until – at close to eight o'clock, a snippet of “Falling Slowly” starts up and he lunges for the phone.
“Kris,” he says, slightly breathless. “You okay?”
“Not really,” Kris says and, yeah. Kris sounds exhausted, completely run-down. “But it's not going to get easier any time soon.”
“What were you thinking?” Adam asks. “You still had options, you didn't have to-”
“Tell the truth?” Kris says. “Maybe I'm tired of lying.”
It's another of those moments that stops Adam cold. “Are you- have you-”
“No,” Kris says. And of course he knows what Adam was trying to ask. “That was the first time I'd done anything with a guy. It just wasn't the first time I'd thought about it.”
Adam closes his eyes and he's trying really hard to be careful here. “Kris, I was... why didn't you ever tell me? You had to know that I would understand.”
“It's not- it's not about that, Adam,” Kris says. But Kris doesn't say what it is about. “Because I won't lie about the pictures and I won't pretend that it's not affecting my marriage, they're... they're kinda pressuring me to say that Casey wasn't a one-night stand-”
“Casey?” Adam asks and he feels like an idiot the second after he says it because-
“The guy from that night,” Kris says and Adam isn't so deeply in shock that he doesn't notice how nervous Kris sounds. “Which... I mean... I'm pretty sure that he'd be fine pretending, but I'm not sure if I can do it. And it's more lying which is... what do you think?”
“I don't know,” Adam says. “I don't- have you talked to him?”
“No, I- he's tried calling a few times-”
“He has your number?” Adam asks, can't help himself.
“We, um. Yeah,” Kris says, and Adam can just picture him right now, the way he wouldn't be able to meet Adam's eyes. “After we- he said that he was a fan, and he gave me his number and I gave him mine because it just seemed... rude not to? He's actually... he's the one that told me that he'd heard rumors that someone had gotten pictures.”
“And you know for sure that he didn't... have anything to do with the pictures?” Adam hates to ask, because he likes that Kris generally thinks the best of people, but there's definitely a chance it could be true. 'Casey' could have been trolling for celebrities to fuck for pictures.
“Not a chance,” Kris says immediately, which is either reassuring or worrying. There's a moment of silence and Adam can hear Kris breathing unevenly. “Adam... are we okay?”
And his voice is tiny and he sounds terrified and it isn't hard at all for Adam to say, “Of course, we are. Fuck, Kris. Of course. Just... you tell me what you need me to say.”
“Still don't know what I'm going to say,” Kris says, and he sounds so relieved and Adam really wishes that he could be where Kris is right now, because he hates that Kris worried over whether or not Adam would be there for him. “The worst part of this is... it means that everyone's going to be going after the people I care about – especially you and Katy.”
Adam can't say that he hasn't thought about that. He's used to assholes asking questions; Katy isn't.
“The company was saying that I should stay away from you,” Kris says, his voice tightening. “Which... I told them that there wasn't a chance in hell, and they kinda shut up for a while after that.”
Adam laughs, because... “They have a point.”
“I don't care,” Kris says and he's using the stubborn voice that he's always used when people want him to stop being so close with Adam or in any way imply that he shouldn't be friends with Adam. And Adam can't lie – he loves that Kris is completely unwilling to back down from their friendship. “You and me... that's not even a question. If anyone wants to think this... that this is your fault or anything stupid like that, staying away from you only makes it look worse anyway.”
“I haven't talked to RCA yet,” Adam admits. “They've called, but I didn't answer the phone. And I haven't been answering my door. Management isn't going to be happy with me either.”
“I know,” Kris says. “I have an interview tomorrow and they've tried drilling me on what I'm supposed to say. I told them a million times that I wasn't going to lie, but I think they're still hoping that I'll give in.”
“They don't know you.”
Kris laughs. “Not like you do.” And his voice is so fond that it makes Adam's heart skip a beat. Kris isn't saying anything that he wouldn't have said before, but before all this, Adam had always known that Kris could only mean what he was saying in a teasing, friendly way. Now, he can't stop thinking that Kris has had some kind of sex with a guy.
He can't help wondering if he could've been that guy, if he'd only made a move. And then he feels like an asshole, because he likes Katy and he isn't exactly a fan of cheating.
“Kris.” And Adam has no right to ask this, but he can't help himself. “Did you- were you careful?”
“I didn't need to be,” Kris says, and he doesn't sound as though he thinks that Adam's overstepped. “We didn't even- that's the stupid thing. We didn't even do that much. He- he gave me a blow job but I didn't even-” Kris breaks off, chuckles and he sounds a little embarrassed but he keeps going. “He, um. He wanted to jerk off on my face. And then he wanted to. To lick it off. That's all that happened. And then he- told me that he knew my real name and that he was a fan, so-”
“Your real name?” Adam asks.
“I was kinda using an alias,” Kris says.
“What name were you using?”
“Neil.”
“Your middle name,” Adam says flatly and he's... he's trying not to laugh, but it's hard. “Baby, that is the worst 'alias' I've ever heard.” And Kris had probably blushed when he'd said it, making it even clearer that he was hiding something.
“I don't have a lot of experience at this!” Kris says and he sounds so much younger than twenty-five. Adam hears him drawing in a heavy breath. “And, hey, because of this, I don't... I don't need any. I'm trying to- I'm trying to make myself believe that this is for the best. Because if I hadn't been caught, I would have- Eventually, I would have gone back there or to another place. Or I would have called Casey like he wanted.”
“You're sure about that?” Adam asks.
“Yeah,” Kris says. “I'm sure.”
Adam swallows. So. Wants a divorce. Won't pretend that his relationship with Katy wasn't affected. And, after he tried it, Kris knows that he wants more. Adam knows what all that adds up to and he never, ever wanted Kris to have to go through the same kind of bullshit that he has to experience every day, but if Kris has made up his mind... or if Kris has realized that he doesn't have a choice, if it's that kind of deal, Adam has to be there for him, one-hundred percent.
“I need to see you,” Adam says, and he hadn't meant it to come out just that way.
“I could... if you talk to RCA, maybe you can come with me to my press... thing,” Kris says. “They won't be happy about it, but if you stay off-camera, they can't have a real objection. This isn't your scandal... it just... it would help to have you there.”
“I'll do what I can,” Adam promises.
After they say goodbye and hang up, Adam lies in his bed and, even though it's habit for him to jerk off before he goes to sleep, he doesn't tonight. There's only one guy he can think of right now, and he's not going to do that to himself.
It takes him a long time to get to sleep.
When he calls in the morning, RCA tells him 'absolutely not'. He tries to explain that having him there would be a good thing for them, that he can help convince Kris not to completely lose his fanbase, but they don't believe him.
Maybe they're right not to.
Shit, no matter what Kris says, he knows that he's part of this. Whether or not Kris is attracted to him – and he falls on the side of 'not' at this point – he's still the one that introduced Kris to the big-city gay lifestyle. And he's... he's managed to convince himself that that's not wrong, because this wouldn't be coming out in Kris if it hadn't been inside him before.
He can't get through to Kris on the phone again, but Katy calls him. He stares at her name for a second and when he answers, he feels defensive before she says a word, whether or not that's fair.
“Hey, Katy.”
“He's going to be on around ten-thirty,” she says, with no greeting for him. It doesn't sound like she's gotten any sleep recently. “Um. I think it's channel twelve for you. He'd want you to know. The label mentioned that they'd turned down his request to have you there.”
“Katy, I-”
“Not now, okay, Adam?” Her voice is high and tight and he nods, even though she can't see him. “I really don't think I can do this right now.”
She disconnects and Adam just sits there for a few minutes. It's only eight-thirty, so he goes and makes himself breakfast, turning a thought over in his head. Maybe he can't be there for Kris, but there is something that he can do.
He pulls out his phone and carefully types in I hope all my fans are sending their love & support to my friend @krisallen4real right now. I've never known a better guy. and sends it off to Twitter. It'll probably piss off RCA, but he really doesn't give a fuck. Kris is more important.
The next person calling is Brad, and Adam sighs.
“Don't say it,” Adam warns after he answers.
“Don't say what?” Brad asks, but he drops the flippant tone pretty quickly. “Just letting you know that I found the guy who slept with your friend. Casey Crumble, which is... so the kind of name that gets you swirlies in high school.”
“It's not my business,” Adam says. He bites down on his lip and then gives in. “Okay, talk. What's he like?”
“He's got nothing but good things to say about your boy,” Brad says. “In his regular life, he's an accountant, which is ridiculous, but it seems to be true. He wasn't talking real loudly about what happened, but he's got a unique face-” Adam snorted. Yeah, true enough. “-so everyone knew who he was about an hour after the pictures dropped. Are you doing okay, sweetie?”
“I'm not the one who got outed,” Adam points out.
“Yeah, you're just the guy in love with him.”
Adam literally can't speak. He just- he doesn't think that his throat actually works anymore.
“Oh, honey, did you really think you were hiding it?” And Brad is being gentle, the fucker, and Adam kinda wants to cry. “Did you think that I couldn't see it? Come on, I'm not blind.”
Adam still can't think of anything to say, because it isn't true, he has worked so hard to make it stop being true. And if Brad can see it, then all of that was for absolutely nothing.
“I'm sorry,” Brad says, sincerely. “I am so sorry. I really thought that you knew that I knew.”
But he didn't know, is all that Adam can think to say, though his mouth doesn't open. After a moment, he tries again. “Call me back later?” is what he manages, forcing the words through the lump in his throat. Brad murmurs assent and Adam disconnects the call.
He calls his mom and his opening sentence is, “I'm in love with Kris.”
She isn't surprised, isn't shocked, and Adam wonders how obvious he's been. Because he's pulled away from Kris so much, has deliberately chosen to take a step back whenever they've been on camera together post-show and especially after the tour and their records dropped. He's worked so hard at not being in love that it seems horribly unfair that he didn't succeed.
He and his mom talk for over an hour and he only finally gets off the phone when he sees that the time is starting to get close to ten-thirty. He curls up on his couch and turns on the TV, and the first thing that he sees makes him want to throw up a little. The woman is tiny and blonde and reminds him way too much of Katy and her voice is perky when she says, “Coming up soon, we have season eight's American Idol winner Kris Allen talking about those pesky pictures and exactly why he isn't trying to deny anything.”
His first thought on seeing Kris is that Kris actually looks a lot better than he was expecting. It looks like Kris got a good night's sleep and he's relaxing back into his chair like it's an interview that he wants to do, not something that he's been forced into. Adam doesn't know the guy interviewing Kris, but he's older and kinda tall, with dark hair, and underneath his serious look, it seems like something in his eyes is smiling when he looks at Kris.
“So, here I am with Kris Allen, who graciously gave us his exclusive over those tabloid pictures,” the guy – Barry something – says. He turns to Kris. “Let's start with something you mentioned to me earlier – why aren't you denying the pictures? The room was pretty dark – you probably could have convinced us that it was a look-alike or just an honest mistake.”
And Adam sees why Kris is so calm now – this guy isn't attacking him, seems almost as low-key as Kris is himself, usually. Did he get to pick his own interviewer? When Adam thinks about it, for all the money that Kris has made Jive, it makes sense that they'd want a soft-ball interview. They need to make sure his name is still marketable.
“I'm not all that good at lying,” Kris says, and his smile looks real. “It was – and I don't know whether or not the people watching will believe this – but it was the first time I'd done anything like that. I've always believed that if you find out something true about yourself, denying it is... pointless. That's what I learned when I almost gave up on music – landing on American Idol showed me how wrong I was. If I tried to run away from this, it would catch up eventually.”
“Now, I'm given to understand that you will be seeing the young man again,” Barry says, giving Kris an expectant look.
“That's true,” Kris says, more smoothly than Adam would have expected. “I have his phone number and I... I called him this morning, actually, and we talked for a while. Out of respect for his privacy, though, I'd rather we didn't talk about him any more.”
“I can understand that,” Barry says and this is like watching a dance routine where every foot is landing exactly where it should. “Now, your fans are experiencing a certain level of confusion, even disappointment.”
“That's perfectly understandable,” Kris says. He glances directly into the camera and he just... radiates sincerity all over the place. “I made a mistake in acting on my feelings before getting a divorce. I freely acknowledge that and I apologize for it. I hope that my fans are people who understand that I'm human and I can make mistakes. And I hope that they decide whether or not to stay my fans based on my music and not my personal life.”
There's some more chatter after that, but it looks like the most important part of what Kris is saying is done. Adam doesn't know whether or not people will think it was good enough, but he doesn't really feel up to checking out the response online. After the interview is over, Adam turns his TV back off.
Fifteen minutes later, he's getting a call from Kris.
“Hey there,” Kris says, and all the nerves that didn't come across in the interview are on full display in his voice. “Did you get a chance to watch?”
“Yeah, it seemed to go fine,” Adam says, soothingly. “Are you really seeing Casey again?”
“I am,” Kris says. “We... we did talk this morning and he was- he was really upset that I'd gotten in trouble. He seems like a nice enough guy, so I figured- why not?”
Especially if it was the easiest way for the media to forgive him, whispers a cynical part of Adam. He shrugs that thought away and concentrates on listening to Kris. “If this is what you want, you know that you've got my support,” Adam says.
“Thank you,” Kris says. “I don't say it enough, but thank you, Adam.”
“Any time,” Adam says. The conversation turns to music and Adam lets Kris talk him into doing that duet, finally, and they set up a time to meet and pick out one of the songs that they've been playing with. When it's time to say goodbye, Adam hesitates for a moment and then says, “Love you, man, see you next week.”
“... love you, too,” Kris says, and there's something in his voice that Adam isn't sure he wants to explore, so he clicks off his phone.
The world of American Idol has pretty much exploded; that's what Adam discovers when he finally goes online the next day. It's actually a relief when he goes over to the mainstream music sites – they seem to be more lenient and willing to talk about how Kris is still an excellent musician and... it's possible that it's going to be okay. The fanbase that Kris built outside of Idol isn't all that invested in his marriage – Katy hadn't ever gotten involved in his image and had mostly stayed outside the limelight. He actually finds more articles confused over the fact that Kris was married than over the idea that he's possibly gay.
He still doesn't go outside. It was one thing when people were yelling shit at him over this stuff. He needs time to adjust to the idea of people asking him about Kris. Neil comes over and Adam lets him in, and they mostly hang out in silence – Neil commandeers Adam's computer and plays games on it for a few hours while Adam pretends that he's writing music. It's actually pretty comforting, up until Neil clears his throat and says, “Mom told me,” and Adam has to remember how much his life kinda sucks right now.
Luckily, that's all Neil says, maybe because he sees the look on Adam's face, and he goes back to playing games for another couple of hours before he leaves.
He's not quite masochistic enough to phone Drake and ask if he noticed too, if that has anything to do with why Drake had wanted them to stop seeing each other, but it's actually a pretty close call. Instead, he calls RCA and tells them that he desperately needs to work on his album and won't be available for meetings or interviews for a couple of weeks and refuses to let them talk him out of it. It's a small victory, but it makes him feel better.
That night, he manages to successfully avoid jerking to the thought of Kris yet again.
So. That's something.
On Saturday, pictures of Casey and Kris surface – these look so much more innocent, all draped in sunshine and lemonade. They're at what looks like a very small, very private cafe and the only pictures taken are through the window, and very briefly of Kris and Casey each leaving separately. Kris is smiling, but he doesn't really look happy.
When they meet up on Tuesday, there's a crowd of annoying jerks with flashing cameras following Kris around and they shout the really stupid things that they always shout and Kris has a faint flush on his cheeks, but he's ignoring them. Kris and Adam don't manage to shake them until they actually get inside the building.
“They're persistent,” Kris says, with a backward look at the doors. “Do they really think that yelling at me is going to make me break down and tell them what they want to hear?”
“They're just hoping,” Adam says. “They want some kind of reaction. You're doing well, though, so don't worry about it.”
Kris shrugs, and then he reaches out to wrap an arm around Adam's waist. “Shoot me the next time I agree to a date with a fan, please.”
“What happened?” Adam asks, doing his best not to sound happy. They head toward the room that they'd signed up for and Adam gives in to his impulses and puts his hand on Kris's shoulder.
“He told me that I was perfect,” Kris says. “I cheated on my wife and he thinks that I'm perfect. He's clearly one of the deluded ones.”
Adam snorts. “Or he doesn't base your entire character on one incident.”
“Trust me,” Kris says and Adam can practically hear him rolling his eyes. “I could have shot someone at lunch and he would only have complimented me on my aim. How do you find guys, anyway?”
“What?”
“I mean, you're, like, ten times as famous as I am, so how do you date without running into people who just want you because you're... 'Adam Lambert'?”
“I'm not even going to try to guess where you're pulling that number from, Kristopher,” Adam teases. They've reached the writing studio and Adam waves Kris inside. “And, to answer your question, how many dates have I told you about?”
“You haven't told me about any since you and Drake broke up. That's why I'm asking,” Kris says, shooting Adam a 'duh' look.
“Kris, you know exactly as much about my dating life as I do,” Adam says. It takes a second and then Kris breathes in sharply.
“Really?”
“Really.”
Kris's eyes widen and then he turns away from Adam, pacing to the other end of the room and dropping down into the couch at the far end, leaning his guitar case against the table. He pulls off his messenger bag and drops it down next to the couch and Adam can see him biting down on his lip.
“Is it really that much of a shock?” Adam asks, leaning against the door frame. “You've just had a look at how hard it is to find anyone.”
“This is why I liked being married while I was on the show,” Kris says, and his head has fallen back against the couch – he looks a bit like a marionette with its strings cut. “I knew those girls who liked me... it wasn't about me. What Katy and I had- I knew it was real, because it started before anyone knew my name, before I'd sold a single record. How do I ever know anymore if I've found something real?”
“I don't know,” Adam says, and he's been staring at Kris so long that it feels like his eyes are burning. “How- how's Katy doing?”
Kris waves a hand distractedly. “Still trying to convince me that I'm making a mistake, last time we spoke. My mom's been okay. Your mom called and she was really, really nice. I'm glad- I'm glad she still likes me.”
“Of course, she does,” Adam says staunchly. “We're a loyal group. We're all behind you, I promise.”
“I'll remember that,” Kris says, and he's smiling now. “My dad- he was better after the first couple of hours. Katy's parents kinda want to kill me, but I can't really blame them for that. I got a guilt call from my old church-” and Adam knows his pettiness shows in how glad he is at the disenchanted note in Kris's voice when he mentions that call. “- but most of my friends have been supportive. Charles was great. He's actually coming out next week.”
“Tell him he only should if he really is attracted to other men,” Adam says, and Kris raises his head to look at Adam, lifts an eyebrow, and then breaks down into a helpless fit of laughter.
“You are such a dork,” Kris says, and he pats the empty space on the couch. “Come on, you, let's pick out a song.”
Kris breaks out his guitar and they spend the afternoon going over different lyrics and tunes – they already know that this is a song about them, about their friendship, because it couldn't be about anything else. It's the details that aren't quite lining up straight. And Adam is pretty sure that it's his fault – he's trying too hard not to go with lyrics or melodies that strike him as romantic and it's dragging down the entire session.
“This was definitely going more smoothly the last time we got together,” Kris says, and he's reaching up to work a kink out of his neck. Adam murmurs agreement, pressing his lips together so that he doesn't offer to rub Kris's neck. He'd been doing so great with denial, that's the problem. And Kris being straight had made things so much easier. He doesn't quite know how he fits with a Kris who isn't one-hundred percent not interested in his gender. They're sitting exactly the way that they would before, but Adam isn't able to numb his reactions to touching Kris the way that he did before. Knowing that there's the slightest chance that, if he reached out, Kris might actually reach back, is making him itch underneath his skin.
Kris strums, his fingers finding chords and picking out melodies – Kris's innate gift for instruments always leaves Adam slightly breathless, and he zones out a little on Kris's hands, strong and certain on the strings. “Maybe we need to start over,” Kris says, thoughtfully. “Or go backward. Something. Something's different.” And Adam can see that Kris's eyes are closed, but his fingers are still sure, no hesitation. “It feels like something's different.”
Kris's fingers still and the last chord hangs in the air, slowly fading out. Kris turns his head toward Adam and opens his eyes, and Adam has no clue what Kris is thinking. All he really knows is that he hasn't stopped staring at Kris since they came into the room and that his hands are sweating like he's a teenager again, when he never had the guts to make a move on anyone he liked. Kris's eyes narrow.
“Do you ever think about it?” Kris asks. Adam shakes his head slightly, not sure what Kris is asking. “The beginning, I mean,” Kris clarifies. “Do you ever think back to the beginning, when you and I first met.”
All the time, Adam doesn't say. He watches Kris carefully. Kris unhooks the guitar and leans forward to set it on the table – his shirt pulls up in back, revealing a strip of lightly-tanned skin. When he sits back, he shifts his knee up slightly so that he can face Adam more easily.
“I've been thinking about that a lot recently,” Kris says. He licks his lips and Adam can't help it – his eyes shift down to watch. When he looks back up, Kris is looking right back at him. “Back when we first became roommates, I think the second thing you learned about me – after my name – was that I was married.”
“Yeah,” Adam agrees. Kris had been such a kid and Adam had been kinda floored to find out that he was a newlywed.
“What if I hadn't been?” Kris asks, head tilting. “What if... what if Katy and I had broken up instead and I'd been a single guy rooming with you?”
“I'm not sure what you're asking,” Adam says, which is a complete lie and it's obvious that Kris knows it.
“You said I was your type,” Kris says.
“It would have been a mistake.” And Adam doesn't have any doubts about that. “I was still- still hung up on Brad. If we'd... anything we'd done back then would have just been a rebound. And I don't think we could have been friends after.” Kris nods, like Adam just confirmed something for him.
“So, I was right,” Kris says, and he's reaching up to touch Adam's cheek. So softly, but Adam can feel the ridges of his guitar calluses.
“Right about what?” Adam whispers.
“It all happened for the best,” Kris says. He's smiling now and Adam can't quite catch his breath. “We both had to be in the right place. And we are, aren't we?”
And Adam didn't have to answer, but he does anyway – he leans over and presses his mouth against Kris's, and the kiss is gentle and dry, and he has to blink back the tears that want to fall. Kris sighs into the kiss and Adam places a hand on his back, pulling him slightly closer. Their tongues touch for a second and then retreat again and Kris pulls away. He's still smiling.
“That's what was wrong with the duet,” he says, lightly brushing his knuckles against Adam's cheek. “We couldn't get it right because we were writing the wrong kind of song.”
Kris's hand reaches out for his and their fingers tangle together. Kris's smile widens and Adam grins back, still helpless but kinda okay with it now.
“It was always supposed to be a love song,” Kris says.
And, this time, Kris is the one who kisses him.
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Date: 2009-08-12 02:34 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-14 10:28 am (UTC)♥
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Date: 2009-08-17 10:47 am (UTC)