Self-Injury Awareness Day (March 1st)

[butterfly]

March 1st is Self-Injury Awareness Day. As I did last year, I'll start by mentioning that if you read this journal, you know someone who has self-injured.

The last time that I had to explain some scars to someone, he actually explained it for me -- I was trying to find the right words and he said, without prompting," You had a bad day?" And I said, "A really bad day." He wasn't pitying me, he wasn't being hurtful -- he was concerned that I had very obvious cuts and wanted to know what was what, in a very matter-of-fact way.

I have self-inflicted wounds and they've left scars. Tiny white lines on my thighs and I'm probably the only person who could pick them out. Light brown lines on my left arm from my last very bad day (which was months ago, maybe six) that mostly just look like slight indents, like I leaned up against something long enough to leave small marks.

They're part of who I am (and that's a good thing). There was a time in my life when I really did hate myself, when I couldn't understand why anyone might like me (and, by extension, anything that I might create), a time when I felt numb and lost and the only way I even knew I was still alive was to feel pain (here it may be obvious why I identify with S6 Buffy so much -- "this isn't real, but I just wanna feel").

I'm a lot healthier than I used to be (and I'm continuing to work on becoming healthier still) and not nearly as... fragile (this may be the wrong word, as I never did fully break, at least not to the point where I was actually irrecoverable). But it's good for me to remember where I've been, because everything used to feel grey and dull and now life is infused with more colors than I can name. The contrast makes them all the brighter.

In my particular case, I do believe that pain brought some measure of wisdom. And so I can't condemn or look down on the girl I was, just... finally, finally I can love her. And that's a very good thing.

Comments

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the reminder.

[masqthephlsphr.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I think you're a very brave and very special person, and I'm glad to have you on my flist.

[fox1013.livejournal.com]

*hugs*


Also, " You had a bad day?" may well be the best way to put it ever.

[breidablik.livejournal.com]

So much I want to say, yet I can't seem to find the words.

And so I can't condemn or look down on the girl I was, just... finally, finally I can love her. And that's a very good thing.

I have always admired your honesty and strength, but this moved me to tears. It is a good thing, a very good thing...

::hugs::

[whitedestiny1x2.livejournal.com]

You're such a strong person, sharing your story and trying to get better. I admire your courage and desire to heal and love yourself; you've been working hard to change, not waiting for something miraculous to do it for you. I wish I had that kind of determination in me! XD Thank you for sharing your story, it's truly inspiring!

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

You seem much happier - this is a good thing too.

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

(((you)))

So glad I know you.

[librarianstales.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

*points to icon* I may not have met you in RL, but I know for a fact that this icon describes who you are as a person.

[nic]

{{hugs}}

You come across as such a 'together' person in your journal and I thank you for sharing this. What really struck me was that you mentioned identification with S6 Buffy. It's for the same reasons that season resonates with me so much (and interesting to me that the people who understand Buffy love it, and those who don't...hate that season.)


But it's good for me to remember where I've been, because everything used to feel grey and dull and now life is infused with more colors than I can name. The contrast makes them all the brighter.


I remember the first day I actually felt happy after the 'long grey' and it was such a foreign feeling and at the same time, I was stunned that I hadn't known this simple pleasure for so long.

I have so much more I could say, but I think what I most wanted to say was: "I understand". I thank you for sharing. And it's wonderful to read this, from someone else who DID make it better, slowly, yes, but with determination.

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're seeing all the colors now. And that you can love every part of yourself. *hugs*

[jic]

*hugs*

[thalia-seawood.livejournal.com]

And so I can't condemn or look down on the girl I was, just... finally, finally I can love her. And that's a very good thing.

You've come a long way. Loving yourself is a huge step. Actually, I'm not sure that many people ever accomplish this.

Never cut myself, but I had a phase when punching a wall made me feel better. Having the hand hurt, made the emotional pain go away.

[electricmayhem.livejournal.com]

I can't remember when I friended you, or why I friended you, but it's been years and even though we don't talk much, we're both still here and that counts for something. I'm proud of you.

[a-blue-moon-cat.livejournal.com]

*hugs, if you want 'em*

But it's good for me to remember where I've been, because everything used to feel grey and dull and now life is infused with more colors than I can name. The contrast makes them all the brighter. I had a person in my life once talk about that, and how his meds helped him get there, and yeah, I do understand that whole bit about colours from my own POV.

[polgarawolf.livejournal.com]

This day always somehow manages to sneak up on me. (And yes, I realize I'm a bit late to be responding, but since I work third shift, anything that occurs during the time I'm at work doesn't really count until the following weekend, when I'm off and can deal with it.) Someone said something about it and I happened to read it last year . . . that wasn't you, was it? No, wait, that was fox1013. I remember because the "fox" in the name made me think of the X-Files. I followed a link to a "story" that person wrote last year on 1 March and had to respond with one of my own. Anyway . . . *Takes deep breath* Just because some of us have more visible scars than others, that doesn't mean that we don't all have crazing from being broken (or at least damaged) in some way. And just because some of us have broken, in the past, that doesn't mean that we aren't the stronger for it now.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

*Sighs. Shrugs.*

There are some things that take life and break it, not merely into meaninglessness but with active malice, flinging the pieces further on into hell, so that the battle is ever one from death to life, ever a struggle to accept that greatest gift of all, the gift of one’s own life.

*Sighs. Shrugs.*

And if I said more, I'd just be repeating myself, and while I am prone to babbling and it can be repetitive, I like to think that I don't just go around repeating the same things over and over again word for word, you know? *Offers a crooked grin* Anyways . . . this is about the extent of my ability to adequately make some things - which simply are not easily understandable - more immediately comprehensible, so I believe I'll stop here.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

It's one of those days that I do really agree should be marked. Tough, though, because of all the memories it brings up, some of them not so long ago.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm trying to go for honesty in all things (I'm totally not there yet, but I'm working on it), especially about the things that I would like to change.

I'm really glad that you're on my flist, too. Having smart people around makes me feel much smarter by association. *grins*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

It really is. The next time I need to explain, I'm totally planning on using it.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

*hugs back*

I don't often feel honest enough or strong enough, which is part of why I push myself to be as honest as possible on lj. It's tough, but I have hope that it'll get easier.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

It's really tough to share and I've been... it's a long road from where I was to where I am, and there are still many miles yet that I want to travel. I spent quite some time just... hiding away from the world (and I still do that from time to time, as evidenced by how long it took me to comment back here). But I like the world and I like people, and I don't want to miss all the beautiful things. And that's why I've started to learn how to push myself. Because there are so many beautiful things, like... snow on an unexpected night, soft rain on my face, surprising a smile out of someone.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm glad that... I'm glad that I seem happier.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you.

And, you know, I'm really glad to know you, too. You've been pretty much a constant light for me, a kind of shimmering soft glow.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Thank you. That's really sweet.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

You come across as such a 'together' person in your journal and I thank you for sharing this. What really struck me was that you mentioned identification with S6 Buffy. It's for the same reasons that season resonates with me so much (and interesting to me that the people who understand Buffy love it, and those who don't...hate that season.)

It does seem to me that people who understood depression intimately were a lot more likely to both understand and love that season (though as time has gone on, some people who hated it at the time have softened towards it). Sometimes, I feel like saying that while Joss made the first seasons of Buffy for regular people, he made the latter ones for me and the other people like me, because it did resonate for me on this deeply emotional level.

I know that girl, because I was that girl (still am, in many ways -- she isn't gone, because I remember her and not everything about her was bad. I learned a fair piece of wisdom in my sadness, because that's when everything got set to equal in my head, and that's something that's stayed as I've gotten happier).

I remember the first day I actually felt happy after the 'long grey' and it was such a foreign feeling and at the same time, I was stunned that I hadn't known this simple pleasure for so long.

Yes, it's a bit of a shock, that the world can live and breathe again, that even a cloudy day is beautiful.

I have so much more I could say, but I think what I most wanted to say was: "I understand". I thank you for sharing. And it's wonderful to read this, from someone else who DID make it better, slowly, yes, but with determination.

It does help a lot to share and see that other people have gone through similar experiences. It helps quite a lot.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

*hugs back*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

You've come a long way. Loving yourself is a huge step. Actually, I'm not sure that many people ever accomplish this.

True enough. I'm pretty sure that my dad hasn't. It's really hard. Even now, I do things that I judge myself for (I try to then pretend that I'm someone else and would I hate someone else for doing this thing and the answer is always 'no' and so I try to integrate that, but it can be hard).

Never cut myself, but I had a phase when punching a wall made me feel better. Having the hand hurt, made the emotional pain go away.

I had... oh, lots of reasons. The physical pain was a distraction from emotional pain, but it also was almost... an affirmation of being. "I'm still here, because I can still hurt." It was also used almost as a cleansing, a mental place of 'getting the poison out'. Or, if I felt overwhelmed, cutting helped me focus.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm glad to still know you.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Thank you. I will always accept hugs, even if I'm not in a bad mood place.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

It makes sense.

Depression is kinda like a fog, sometimes, so using words... using anything that makes the fog clear up, even a little, it's helpful.

And yes, being broken for the moment doesn't mean being broken forever. That was painful to learn, in some ways, but I'm very glad to have learnt it.

[masqthephlsphr.livejournal.com]

Total honesty is still a job of work for me. While it's much easier on LJ than it is in RL, due to the faceless internet and the nice people here, there are still certain things I feel better keeping to myself--especially things I am still working to change. I want to be able to talk about them when I have a success to report, rather than talk about them and then have to come back later and admit failure.

[polgarawolf.livejournal.com]

Writing helps. It gives everything "color," as you say, and texture. And more meaning. *Smiles a little* Words always help. You can't really understand a thing unless you can name it - not label it, but name it, if that makes any kind of sense.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Writing is a good thing, definitely. Being creative in any way helps, I'm finding. Creations need color and giving that helps me realize that I must have had it in the first place. Good thing.

Thank you.

[polgarawolf.livejournal.com]

Focusing on things like that and discovering little things along the way - like the fact that you must have had color in your life all along, and a lot more feeling, or else you wouldn't be able to write it - has helped keep me - well, not sane, surely, but saner, anyway! *Smiles* The way I tend to think about things anymore, as long as I can still write - or otherwise bury myself in words, one way or another - I can work my way through, past, or around anything in my life. Took me a while to realize it. I always thought that it was too trite for words, the whole "writing it out" thing, until I found out that writing things out doesn't really have to be writing specific instances in your life so much as just writing to reconnect with yourself, even if the writing you're doing is some essay about some random tv show or movie that will never be published anywhere or a fanfic story about characters borrowed from some other writer's sci-fi universe. After that, things were much easier all around.

*Offers hugs*