So, yeah.

[butterfly]

What it feels like to cut?

Well, it stings. It can hurt more or less at the moment, depending on what kind of blade that you use.

That's just physical, of course.

I broke down and did it this time because of my mom. And life, yeah, but the whole mom thing was my breaking point.

Bob brought her home from work last night because I had the car. They had dinner together before they came here. He stayed about an hour. After, my mom berated me for being 'rude' and 'unwelcoming'. I asked her if I could go to the store. She gave me some money and told me to buy her yogurt.

At the store, I must have stared at the blades for a bit. Ended up buying a Proedge razor and five extra blades. Went home and sliced up my right thigh.

Then, I was able to go and apologize to my mom for being unfriendly to Bob. I think that that may have been why I did it. I had to cut out the pain of her choosing his side over mine.

But now that I've started again, I've already cut more than I ever did before. Maybe it's because this is such a good blade. It's sharp and it stings just a little bit when you draw it across your skin.

It stings, and then the blood slowly wells up. I don't cut in a pattern, it's random across whatever area I've chosen. Sometimes, I wipe the blood off with my finger and lick it. And I remember Spike saying that blood is life.

And it does remind me that I'm alive when I feel numb and dead and frozen. It's not a good feeling, it hurts afterwards, more or less depending on where you cut. My legs hurt like hell whenever I get up and move, but the cut on my breast doesn't hurt at all. It barely hurt when I made it.

It reminds me that I'm not dead yet. It tells me that I'm here, even if my mom doesn't love me as much as she used to.

I hurt so much on the inside. When I cut, I get distracted and feel the blood and the pain on my skin and I forget about the fear and the loneliness that I'm feeling.