Boybands... er... vocal and dance groups. Well, mostly. Okay, mostly not.

[butterfly]

BSB was the first time that I was aware of the existence of these 'boyband' things. I later learned about NKOTB but I'm not still firm on the timeline.

Jordan Knight was one, yes? He's cute. But he sang that odd stalker-y/rape-eske song Give It To Me. Which was sexy but disturbing.

And didn't one of them(was it him?) do I Love You Came Too Late? He was cute. And all sad at the end. I remember being happy that the song didn't have a typical happy ending.

Like I said, my boyband knowledge is pretty limited to BSB and *NSYNC. Mostly *NSYNC.

I mean, until you guys, I was unaware of such magazines as Tiger-beat and 16.

I got into the whole 'pop' scene in an attempt to make friends in HS. Got over that but was firmly entangled into pop music by then.

I can remember a whole year when I would watch TRL every day, cooing over the bands and Carson(I was a kid). Then, of course, everything fell apart.

That was probably the last... innocent year that I had.

When I watch TV, my favorite position is cross-legged in front of the screen, the way you see little kids sit. I wrap a blanket around myself and let the world change and get pretty and bright and different.

I thought that Carson was adorable. I thought that the Backstreet Boys looked like sweet guys. I thought that Brit was cute. I didn't even notice the individual members of groups at that time, it was the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC and 98 degrees, no individuals. Just vague thoughts of pretty boys and pretty songs and innocence.

I wonder what I would be like today if nothing had changed. If Aunt Leslie hadn't died. If my parents hadn't started to split up. If I hadn't got ignored at school. If...

If I'd had the support then that I have now, with y'all.

I felt so alone. So scared and lonely and hurting and the one person who'd noticed was gone forever. And it is forever. She...

I miss her so much. So fucking much, even now. It's not fair, none of it.

But what can you do?

And there's so much that she probably wouldn't understand. Maybe my memory makes me think that she was more understanding than she was.

I don't know.