Personal: (Im)Perfect Daughters

[butterfly]

So, I checked a bunch of interesting looking books out of the library the other day. One of them was called Perfect Daughters and I started it today. Well, I read the first two pages and then had to put it down so that I wouldn't cry.

It's about adult daughters of alcoholics. And even the first two pages were hitting really close to home. If you're new, you might not know that both of my parents are alcoholics. Both of them were dry for a while, but they're drinking again now (my mom recently stopped again for health reasons, but I don't know if that'll last). And it's hard. I gave up trying to play the perfect daughter when I was around sixteen (nearly eight years now) and my parents started the divorce process. And I got caught shoplifting, started cutting, stopped going to class, and was eventually diagonosed with clinical depression.

I stopped trying to be perfect, but all of the other things that the children of alcoholics tend to have common stuck around. A quote from the back of the book reads 'If you often feel isolated, engaged in self-condemnation, experience inconsistency, always want to be in control, rely heavily on others for their approval and believe that you must be perfect, you have many things in common with other adult daughters.'

Most of the time, I'm okay now. I still always assume that I'll never be good enough, but I do a better job of trying to get the things I want anyway. It helps that I'm not around my parents as much these days. I mean, I still see them pretty often (at least one every other week). I love them. God, I really, really love my parents (Which is why, re: Supernatural, it confuses me when people say that because Dean and Sam love their dad so much, he must have been a good father. No, that's not necessarily the case.). But living with them, especially my dad, was less than ideal.

My parents were never violent... well, not with me or each other. Random household objects were not so sacred. And I've never honestly believed that they wouldn't be there if I asked them to or needed them. So, in a lot of ways, my brother and I had it way better than a lot of kids. Except we have a really hard time getting close to people. And my brother... I think he's still trying to be perfect.

I don't trust people and, worse, I don't trust myself. I have a really hard time trusting myself. And I have the desire for things that I can never have. Not only because I really and truly believe that they won't be offered, but because, even if they were, I'm not sure that I'd ever be able to trust enough to reach out for them.

I know that I use the television I watch as a substitute for what I can't have in real life. The passion and the bravery that the characters are allowed to show each other are things that I can't imagine doing. I couldn't ever be Rose, even if I had my own Doctor. She's so much braver than I can ever imagine letting myself be. I admire her character for that. For showing me what that emotion looks like, all played out, because I'll never be able to do it myself.

I taught myself to try to my dreams realistic. And my dreams are bigger now than they used to be. Going to Vividcon, living with jic, trying to be braver than I am. But it's slow and it's scary. But I'm still here. I'm still trying. And that means something.

Comments

[jic]

*hugs*

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Yup, that description is totally me, and my dad was an alcoholic. (He died in 2001, of, big surprise, fairly significant major organ failure because of drinking too much.) I should probably read that book!

*Hugs you so much* You ARE brave, because you're doing scary things.

[spiletta42.livejournal.com]

You're braver than me, and none of my parents are alcoholics. Heck, just picking up a book that hits close to home is a brave act. I run from anything that reminds me of negative experiences in my life.

As for your dreams, I think you should have big ones. Huge. You are an artist.

I'm here because I'm a fan of your fandom work. You have a true gift. I love how you use metaphor, and you're great at conveying emotion both in your vids and your fic. I can barely make it through a day without watching My Hit Song or Sunset Boulevard, and Calling the Moon captures that relationship so well, and adds so beautifully to Willow's character, especially in season seven, that I think you should show it to Joss. I know he'd be impressed.

I know you only through your creations, but I know you are an amazing person. As for living through your shows -- we all do that. But you do more than watch television, or even obsess over television, you turn your viewing into a creative endeavor and then share it with strangers. Not brave? Think again.

I write fic, so I know that when you truly care about the quality of your work -- and that you care very much shows plainly in your attention to detail -- sharing it is an act that requires courage.

Dream big, because you have a bright future.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

I have that book. It's more descriptive of my mom than me, because my grandfather was an alcoholic while she was growing up and her drinking didn't start until I had already left hom. But it is definitely an eye-opener.

*hugs*

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

Now that I've read the book though, I would recommend it. It's pretty clear-eyed and direct. Helpful, really, to actually know that a lot of my problems were magnified by my parents'.

*hugs back*

Thank you.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

*blushes*

Thank you. For some reason, it is easier for me to accept compliments on vidding than on writing.

Calling the Moon captures that relationship so well, and adds so beautifully to Willow's character, especially in season seven, that I think you should show it to Joss. I know he'd be impressed.

Wow, thank you.

I am trying to get better about realizing my positive qualities as well as my negative ones. It's a long road, though. But knowing the source of some of my fears helps to overcome them.

[butterfly.livejournal.com]

It was very helpful to read, I think. To know that the feelings of isolation and low self-esteem are magnified by having alcoholic parents helps to start to deal with them.

*hugs back*

Thank you.