Years ago...
Apr. 27th, 2003 06:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
butterflyI've noticed the 'years' meme. My memory is so shaky that I don't think it would be a good idea for me to try that. Still, it makes me think.
At 16, I was so miserable. One day, when I was home alone, I spontaneous broke out into song. I don't remember any of the lyrics, since I made them up on the spot but the title was The Hell that is Sixteen. It had a chorus and three verses and it felt very good to let out my feelings. But yes, I totally was a musical fan (still am) and I definitely believe that was a factor in my random song inventions.
I have a lot of self-destructive behavior in my past. I nearly flunked out of high school three times. I did some shop-lifting. I can identify with Annoying!Dawn, because I did that stuff. Because I felt so alone and lost and unloved. I was good at hiding it. I was good at lying. "Oh, I did my homework, I just forgot it." Lots of times they let me turn my work in late without a penalty because I sounded so sincere. I pulled that kind of trick both times I was caught shop-lifting: "Oh, this is the first time that I've ever done this. I'll never do it again. I promise." And both times I got let off without even so much as a fine or community service. The second time, I did get it on record that I'd shop-lifted, but no actual consequences. I haven't done it for years, though I didn't stop because I was caught. I'd discovered cutting, and that was better than shop-lifting because it was punishment and thrill at the same time.
Once I'd cut, shop-lifting lost its appeal. It was never about the things.
At 16, I was so miserable. One day, when I was home alone, I spontaneous broke out into song. I don't remember any of the lyrics, since I made them up on the spot but the title was The Hell that is Sixteen. It had a chorus and three verses and it felt very good to let out my feelings. But yes, I totally was a musical fan (still am) and I definitely believe that was a factor in my random song inventions.
I have a lot of self-destructive behavior in my past. I nearly flunked out of high school three times. I did some shop-lifting. I can identify with Annoying!Dawn, because I did that stuff. Because I felt so alone and lost and unloved. I was good at hiding it. I was good at lying. "Oh, I did my homework, I just forgot it." Lots of times they let me turn my work in late without a penalty because I sounded so sincere. I pulled that kind of trick both times I was caught shop-lifting: "Oh, this is the first time that I've ever done this. I'll never do it again. I promise." And both times I got let off without even so much as a fine or community service. The second time, I did get it on record that I'd shop-lifted, but no actual consequences. I haven't done it for years, though I didn't stop because I was caught. I'd discovered cutting, and that was better than shop-lifting because it was punishment and thrill at the same time.
Once I'd cut, shop-lifting lost its appeal. It was never about the things.
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Date: 2003-04-28 10:39 am (UTC)Sometimes I'd wonder whether it was my ability to lie or their lack of observation.
teen-age years are such a bitch. I hope you're ok now. ^__^
Re:
Date: 2003-04-28 03:43 pm (UTC)I'd wonder that too.
Thanks. I am better now, some from going to therapy and friends but most of it... I'm not sure why I stopped being irrationally depressed. I'm not taking meds anymore, so that wasn't the magical 'fix'. I just. Got better. Maybe it was just the teen years being a bitch.