Inside Job
Nov. 16th, 2003 11:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
butterflyI've been thinking about Buffy, Darla, and Connor.
Buffy and Darla really are mirrored images. Both of them inspired Angel to go from a nothing to a something. Both of them led to his downfall from greatness. And, of course, Connor did the same - his existence created Angel as Father, and he destroyed it, just as Darla both created and destroyed Angel as Demon and Buffy created and destroyed Angel as Hero... but the destruction is never cleaned up and now Angel is a mess of broken demon, hero, and father.
Every time he latches onto an identity, it gets broken. Angel needs to learn to look inside himself for the answers. Right now, he's just given up. What he needs to do is find the strength inside - Angel's journey, like Buffy's, is one of empowerment. He believes that the man inside him is weak, and that's true. But the man inside him is also strong, and that's what Angel hasn't realized. The strength that he admired about Wesley is in him too - the ability to make the hard decisions. But he makes them believing that the only way the people he cares about can be happy is if they're not near him. Angel brings the people around him pain. But what he doesn't realize is that it can be a strengthening pain. Buffy is much stronger for having known Angel. For having loved him and being hurt by him. Doyle sacrificed himself to save the helpless and to save the people he loved. He sacrificed himself to make up for what he'd failed to do before, but mostly because he knew (as did Buffy, when she sacrificed Angel, as she sacrificed herself after her moment of realization in The Gift).
Angel wanted to save Darla because he wanted to save himself - because he'd wrapped up so much of himself and his damnation into her. "You damned me." If he saved her, then he couldn't be truly damned. If he could have Connor, have this innocent thing of his, then he couldn't be doomed. Angel keeps putting his salvation into someone else's hands. He wants to earn forgiveness, but he can't. Forgiveness is freely given. It isn't a prize to be won. Angel wanted to be redeemed. He wanted someone to say that his soul wasn't forever lost. He wanted God to want him.
Everything that he puts his faith in fails him. Because he doesn't have faith in himself. "You can take the easy road, and wait for the consequences, or you can take the hard road, and go with faith." But faith is an inside job. It isn't about fighting the big bad. It isn't about stopping the end of the world. It's about caring. But that doesn't mean that there isn't a big picture. Angel's messed up because he's seeing it as an either/or thing. Both the big picture and the people involved matter. Eve was wrong. She was doing what's probably her job - sowing doubt and dissention in Angel's mind. But what she said about Wes... what Angel believed about Wes, was wrong. Wesley never forgets the people involved. He always understands the price. He's just willing to pay it. He doesn't not see the trees, he just makes the decision that either the forest or the trees are more important and acts accordingly.
Angel doesn't think about the price involved. He focuses on one thing or the other, and lets what he isn't looking at get lost. And that's gotten him lost.
Buffy and Darla really are mirrored images. Both of them inspired Angel to go from a nothing to a something. Both of them led to his downfall from greatness. And, of course, Connor did the same - his existence created Angel as Father, and he destroyed it, just as Darla both created and destroyed Angel as Demon and Buffy created and destroyed Angel as Hero... but the destruction is never cleaned up and now Angel is a mess of broken demon, hero, and father.
Every time he latches onto an identity, it gets broken. Angel needs to learn to look inside himself for the answers. Right now, he's just given up. What he needs to do is find the strength inside - Angel's journey, like Buffy's, is one of empowerment. He believes that the man inside him is weak, and that's true. But the man inside him is also strong, and that's what Angel hasn't realized. The strength that he admired about Wesley is in him too - the ability to make the hard decisions. But he makes them believing that the only way the people he cares about can be happy is if they're not near him. Angel brings the people around him pain. But what he doesn't realize is that it can be a strengthening pain. Buffy is much stronger for having known Angel. For having loved him and being hurt by him. Doyle sacrificed himself to save the helpless and to save the people he loved. He sacrificed himself to make up for what he'd failed to do before, but mostly because he knew (as did Buffy, when she sacrificed Angel, as she sacrificed herself after her moment of realization in The Gift).
Angel wanted to save Darla because he wanted to save himself - because he'd wrapped up so much of himself and his damnation into her. "You damned me." If he saved her, then he couldn't be truly damned. If he could have Connor, have this innocent thing of his, then he couldn't be doomed. Angel keeps putting his salvation into someone else's hands. He wants to earn forgiveness, but he can't. Forgiveness is freely given. It isn't a prize to be won. Angel wanted to be redeemed. He wanted someone to say that his soul wasn't forever lost. He wanted God to want him.
Everything that he puts his faith in fails him. Because he doesn't have faith in himself. "You can take the easy road, and wait for the consequences, or you can take the hard road, and go with faith." But faith is an inside job. It isn't about fighting the big bad. It isn't about stopping the end of the world. It's about caring. But that doesn't mean that there isn't a big picture. Angel's messed up because he's seeing it as an either/or thing. Both the big picture and the people involved matter. Eve was wrong. She was doing what's probably her job - sowing doubt and dissention in Angel's mind. But what she said about Wes... what Angel believed about Wes, was wrong. Wesley never forgets the people involved. He always understands the price. He's just willing to pay it. He doesn't not see the trees, he just makes the decision that either the forest or the trees are more important and acts accordingly.
Angel doesn't think about the price involved. He focuses on one thing or the other, and lets what he isn't looking at get lost. And that's gotten him lost.
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-17 05:31 am (UTC)"You find yourself a small blond thing..." Heh.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-17 08:29 am (UTC)Actually, now that you mention her, Cordy already did that, didn't she? As Cordy and Jasmine, she built and destroyed Angel as Champion (different than Angel as Hero, which he has re-embraced over time) - and that was an even more thorough destruction than most (he can't even stand the word anymore).
I wonder if he'll try to find it through Spike this year. If he does, it almost certainly won't work... he needs to find inner strength, like Spike has done, is doing.
The fake swami was amusing, definitely.