I never cut, but I did go through depression. I'm on medication and doing much better, but I still feel it out there. Sometimes, it's close enough to touch. It's like something I can just see out of the corner of my eye, and I try not to look. It's malevolent, something that's just waiting for me to make the wrong move before it pounces. I can honestly say I hate it. My faith and my family keep it at bay--I know it intimately, and I know I can't go there again because I've got something real to hang onto. So I cling to what I have and hope that someday, *it* will fade into the distant past and be only the faintest memory of darkness.
People don't understand when they haven't gone through it themselves. You're right to say depression is blindness, because it is. It's a form of amnesia. You can't remember anymore what it was like to be truly happy and not have *it* snatching away those moments before you can savor them. The whole world seems to be full of people who are either faking it, or are truly ignorant of what the world's really like. Depression is a lie. It tells you that you were never truly happy. It's like the Green Witch in The Silver Chair, telling you that this underworld is the only world, and life under the sky was only a dream. It's an almost physical force that keeps you from seeing light and hope again.
I just have to cling to God and those I love and not look at the shadow behind me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
regna
(no subject)
Date: 2005-03-01 09:18 pm (UTC)People don't understand when they haven't gone through it themselves. You're right to say depression is blindness, because it is. It's a form of amnesia. You can't remember anymore what it was like to be truly happy and not have *it* snatching away those moments before you can savor them. The whole world seems to be full of people who are either faking it, or are truly ignorant of what the world's really like. Depression is a lie. It tells you that you were never truly happy. It's like the Green Witch in The Silver Chair, telling you that this underworld is the only world, and life under the sky was only a dream. It's an almost physical force that keeps you from seeing light and hope again.
I just have to cling to God and those I love and not look at the shadow behind me.