Fic: White Rabbits (Star Wars, 37/?)
Sep. 22nd, 2005 03:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
butterflyPart: 37/?
Author: Diana Michelle (
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
butterfly)Warnings: Spoilers for Revenge of the Sith. Movie-canon only.
Pairings: Anakin/Obi-Wan; Leia/Han.
Rating: R/NC-17
Summary: Anakin has a conversation with Obi-Wan.
Disclaimer: Not Lucas, don't own a thing, not making any money. Also, the quote for the title is unrepentantly stolen from a line in the first Star Trek movie.
Chapter Index
Anakin refastened the clasp of his belt, fully dressed now except for his boots and glove.
Obi-Wan was still sleeping, half-hidden in the near-darkness of the room, lying under the thin cover of the sheet. He’d shifted out from under the heavier blanket about an hour ago. Anakin guessed that maybe he’d been hot. It wasn’t something that would have bothered Obi-Wan if he’d still had his Force-connection, but Anakin knew that normal people, like Padmé, got too warm sometimes.
The sheet had slid down, and Anakin felt an interesting buzz of joy from that, from being permitted to see Obi-Wan’s bare flesh. It was different and more intimate than the tiny glimpses allowed on missions, when they shared quarters. Now, if he wanted to, he could walk back over to the bed and wrap himself around Obi-Wan, skin to skin.
Obi-Wan wouldn’t be allowed to hide himself from Anakin anymore, wouldn’t be able to hold himself separate. Obi-Wan was his now, in the way that he’d always been Obi-Wan’s. And that was something Anakin had never thought possible, something that he couldn’t ever lose.
He could still remember all the details of his newest nightmare – Obi-Wan had been lying on a dark grey rock surface, face pale and tight with pain, and he’d called out Anakin’s name. He’d been bleeding, his life pooling around him, and Anakin hadn’t been there.
Anakin’s lips tightened.
It wouldn’t happen that way. If he never allowed Obi-Wan out of his sight, never allowed Obi-Wan to be alone, it would be impossible for that to ever happen. Or until they figured out that trick that Luke had mentioned.
Anakin pulled on his boots, and considered Luke. Anakin still wasn’t sure just how much he was willing to trust Luke, his still unknown son. Luke didn’t feel like a Jedi, was too full of emotion that he didn’t even try to control. His strength, too, was unrefined, though he was powerful. As Anakin had confessed to Obi-Wan, Luke’s power was near to Anakin’s own, much closer than any Jedi that he’d known.
And Luke loved Obi-Wan, too.
Well, only one of them could keep Obi-Wan, and Anakin had the prior claim. Luke would be just fine. He could talk with his ghost, and be satisfied with that.
And that gave Anakin an idea -- if Obi-Wan’s spirit still existed, there was no reason why Anakin couldn’t… call him.
Anakin glanced over at Obi-Wan and then he moved towards the wall, pressing the panel that opened the ‘fresher. He slipped inside the room, closing the door behind him. He ignored the physical and emotional presence of Obi-Wan nearby, and reached out with the Force. There were thousands of sentients in close range, some with strong Force-potential, there was Luke’s blaze of power, on the rooftop above, but, at first, there was no Obi-Wan. Anakin stretched out further, smiled when he felt the barest whisper of the right presence, and then he pulled.
It worked better than Anakin had been expecting – his sense of Obi-Wan started to strengthen immediately, and he saw a faint blue glow forming in front of him, brightening by the moment.
And now he could see Obi-Wan’s face, much older, yes, as Luke had said, but it was Obi-Wan, and he hadn’t been anywhere near this old in Anakin’s dream last night, and Anakin wasn’t sure what that meant. Obi-Wan looked startled, and Anakin could feel surprise and pleasure and regret shimmering around him.
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan whispered, and his voice was filled with open affection. “You look well.”
“You look old,” Anakin said, tilting his head slightly, and Obi-Wan chuckled softly. Anakin gave him an apologetic smile. “No, it’s… it’s a good thing.”
“You really shouldn’t have brought me here,” Obi-Wan said.
“Why not?” Anakin asked, reaching out to touch the glow of Obi-Wan’s cloak. There was the slightest hint of resistance, and it felt as though his hand might go right through if he pushed any harder.
“Because you want something you can’t have,” Obi-Wan said, softly. “I can’t tell you what you want to know, Anakin.”
“Why not?” Anakin asked again, frustration tightening his voice. “I had a dream-“
“I know,” Obi-Wan said. He briefly glanced at the door into the main room before turning his gaze back to Anakin. “I can sense everything that he does, I know everything that he knows.”
“But it only goes one way,” Anakin said.
“Yes,” Obi-Wan said, simply. Anakin pressed his lips together, tried to curb his frustration. Obi-Wan just watched him steadily, and Anakin wondered if he could feel the fear eating away at Anakin’s insides, slowly devouring him piecemeal.
“Why won’t you tell me?” Anakin asked. “You’ll die if you don’t.”
“Oh, Anakin,” Obi-Wan said, and the tone of his voice reminded Anakin of another kind voice, deep and warm, giving him a new hope for the future, telling him that he was no longer a slave. There was no comfort in the memory. “I’m not telling you because you won’t understand.”
“Please, tell me,” Anakin said, and he knew that he sounded desperate. “Please.”
“You have to let go,” Obi-Wan said, and that wasn’t any help at all. Obi-Wan seemed to know that, and his expression was soft, sympathetic. “Trust in the Force… stop holding on so very tightly.”
“I can’t let you die,” Anakin said, trying to dig his fingers into Obi-Wan’s cloak, his hand tingling as it entered the odd blue glow that surrounded Obi-Wan, his fingers disappearing briefly into Obi-Wan’s shoulder before he pulled them back out again and then dropped his hand to his side with a shudder. He stared at Obi-Wan helplessly. “I love you.”
“Yes, Anakin, I know that,” Obi-Wan said, his words gentle.
“Then why won’t you help me save you?” Anakin asked.
“I’ve told you all that you need to know,” Obi-Wan said, not answering Anakin’s question at all. “Once you understand and accept that, the rest is rather intuitive.”
“I’m not your apprentice anymore,” Anakin said, sulkily. “I don’t need a lecture.”
“You didn’t believe you needed lectures when you were my apprentice,” Obi-Wan pointed out. “You did need them, Anakin, and you still do. The truth that I never knew how to tell you is that we never stop learning, not any of us.”
As Anakin opened his mouth to answer, he felt a tug in the Force.
“You’re waking up,” he said instead. He could feel Obi-Wan, out in the other room, stirring from sleep, starting to edge toward awareness. It was odd and comforting, feeling Obi-Wan from two directions at once. “Did you want to talk to yourself?”
“I’m not sure that he’d take things as easily as you are,” Obi-Wan said, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “Let’s give him some time. You’ve only been here for a day.”
“We’re not planning on staying long,” Anakin said, the words as close to an apology as he was willing to get. “Just until we figure out how to get back.”
“I’ll come and say good-bye before you leave, then,” Obi-Wan said. He moved forward, and Anakin sensed Obi-Wan’s intentions. Anakin tilted his head slightly, his eyes sliding shut. Then, tentatively, Obi-Wan brushed his lips against Anakin’s, and when he pulled back, Anakin’s mouth felt slightly numb. Obi-Wan’s voice held a touch of regret as he whispered, “Good luck, old friend.”
When Anakin opened his eyes again, Obi-Wan was gone, as was the presence of him in the Force. Anakin rubbed his fingertips over his lips, contrasting the firmness of his own touch to the half-reality of Obi-Wan’s kiss.
Anakin slipped out of the ‘fresher again, the door sliding down behind him and receding into the wall, hiding itself entirely. Anakin decided that it had to be an extremely popular and well-known design, because he never would have found the ‘fresher on his own if he hadn’t been a Jedi.
Anakin's mouth curved into a smile when he saw that Obi-Wan was continuing the long process of waking up. Obi-Wan was certainly capable of getting up quickly, but he only bothered with that when he had to – Anakin knew from long experience that Obi-Wan preferred to wake up over the course of a half-hour or so. Obi-Wan liked his comforts, however much he pretended that a Jedi shouldn’t.
Anakin settled next to Obi-Wan on the bed, reaching out to touch Obi-Wan’s stomach. To his delight, Obi-Wan arched up against him, reacting to him even while still half-asleep. He shifted his gaze up to Obi-Wan’s face, watching as a lazy smile turned up the corners of Obi-Wan’s mouth. Obi-Wan’s eyelashes fluttered as he pulled out of sleep. Finally, Obi-Wan opened his eyes, and the shy joy he met Anakin’s gaze with was intoxicating, a warm surge of desire that washed over Anakin.
He was about to lean forward, over Obi-Wan, to touch and explore more, when he felt the mental jangle that he’d rigged to the room alarms. He let out a soft sigh, and pulled away from Obi-Wan, who gave him a curious look.
“We’re about to have company,” Anakin said. “Did you want to use the ‘fresher while I stall them at the door?”
“That sounds like a marvelous idea,” Obi-Wan said, stretching a little as he got up out of the bed. He started collecting his clothing together and Anakin watched, eyes narrowed as he took in the gracefulness of Obi-Wan’s movements. An asset on the battlefield, to be sure, but it occurred to Anakin that that was not the only place where grace could be useful.
Anakin slid out of the bed and prowled over to Obi-Wan, who now had his tunics in hand. Obi-Wan turned to him, probably about to ask just where the ‘fresher was, and Anakin wrapped a hand around Obi-Wan’s neck and tugged him forward, pressing his lips against Obi-Wan’s.
Obi-Wan sighed into Anakin's mouth, and Obi-Wan’s mouth tasted stale from a night’s sleep, but his beard was bristly and harsh, and his lips were tender and willing, and it was undisputedly real, this kiss. Anakin smiled and then he placed another small kiss on the corner of Obi-Wan’s mouth. Obi-Wan looked slightly bemused, but happy, and Anakin decided that that was an attractive look on him.
“Good morning,” Anakin said, because it felt appropriate, and then he reached out and pressed down on the hidden panel that opened the door to the ‘fresher. “I’ll see you again in a few minutes. And I think that our company is Luke.”
“Well, I’ll be sure to hurry so that you two don’t have to be alone for too long,” Obi-Wan said. Anakin grinned, and Obi-Wan smiled back at him, and in the warmth of Obi-Wan’s regard, the fear retreated, for the moment.
His fears were always easier to ignore if Obi-Wan was pleased with him.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-22 12:57 pm (UTC)You surprised me completely this chapter, when Anakin just "yoinked!" ghost!Obi-Wan like that. (I guess I got so used to Luke never being able to see him when he wants to that I took for granted it was impossible to move ghosts around.) And is it just me, or is ghost!Obi-Wan giving Anakin mixed signals?
So much about this chapter was brilliant-- Anakin's relief at seeing ghost!Obi-Wan's age, then his preference for the live, fully-present Obi-Wan. Ghost!Obi-Wan's reaction to Anakin and their conversation, the details of Obi-Wan waking up, the last bit of conversation, and pretty much all of it, really.
Not sure what to make of the 'fresher door. It's an interesting part, but then I wondered, didn't they have to use the 'fresher the previous night? If not to shower, then at least to use the bathroom? (Yes, I ask these things!) And why did Anakin think how hard it is to find the door as he was *leaving* the room, as opposed to looking for the door? The only reason I could figure that you put that piece in there was a) for humor, b) more descriptions of the architectural sytel of the New Republic.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-22 02:49 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-22 03:09 pm (UTC)Anakin is just disturbing here. He really doesn't know how to deal with people except as rivals and possessions (and owners... eeeeyuck!) It is NOT going to work out, as Luke can and will just sidestep ever move Anakin tries to make and flip everything upside down. That's what Luke DOES and why he wins.
Also, Anakin is interpreting this as a romantic rivalry? Luke is so going to go "Euuuu!" when he figures that out.
“Oh, Anakin,” Obi-Wan said, and the tone of his voice reminded Anakin of another kind voice, deep and warm, giving him a new hope for the future, telling him that he was no longer a slave. There was no comfort in the memory. “I’m not telling you because you won’t understand.”
Anakin is not going understand. There is just no way he could, because Anakin does not deal well with complexity and contradiction. Though Ben should just tell him anyway, because at least then Anakin will be baffled, instead of angry that things are being kept from him. And also, he IS trying to get in a rivalry with Qui-Gon -- Anakin is SO messed in the head.
“Well, I’ll be sure to hurry so that you two don’t have to be alone for too long,” Obi-Wan said.
Obi-Wan's making a joke, but I think that Anakin truly doesn't want to be alone with Luke. Or at least, he's going to *regret* being alone with Luke, because Luke will flay away his illusions with all the compassion in the world and no hesitation at all.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-22 05:27 pm (UTC)I was just pondering this! It's almost like Anakin is still stuck in the whole mindset of slavery. Like you're not worth anything unless you have a master, and only masters can take on any kind of possession. What a huge difference from Luke and Leia, who are shocked to find out that their grandmother was a slave, who are comfortable with the idea of fighting for freedom while maintaining a give-and-take connection with their loved ones. Anakin's been owned by the Force and the Order for too long to see any gray area.
And no, Ben is swimming in the conflict and contradiction. "But he did kill your father!" while Luke beats his head on a tree.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-22 06:02 pm (UTC)*shudders w/ pleasure* Again, you blow me away. You really make me love and hate Anakin and it's just....it's so....it's really.....you utterly rock. Your level of rocking is totally beyond linguistic expression. *falls over*
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-22 06:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-22 10:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-23 12:48 am (UTC)But doesn't Anakin understand that he's already talking to a dead man? Surely he must realize that Obi is dead. He's older. He's all blue and glowy. Poor thing.
“Then why won’t you help me save you?” Anakin asked.
“I’ve told you all that you need to know,” Obi-Wan said, not answering Anakin’s question at all. “Once you understand and accept that, the rest is rather intuitive.”
He just doesn't understand that through the Force he's never going to lose Obi Wan. He just can't let go.
Love this story. *wibble*
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-23 03:26 am (UTC)Your Anakin is like another person from the movie-verse Anakin, I'm not saying he is out of character, but it's just that I could understand him here better. His reasons, his motivation, for in the movie all you could see is what he does.
Possessive Anakin by the way, always makes my day complete!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-23 05:10 am (UTC)Speak for yourself Annie
And Luke loved Obi-Wan, too.
Not in the same way you dolt, Luke just feels a great father/son connection with him and is just curious of young Obi.
Well, only one of them could keep Obi-Wan, and Anakin had the prior claim. Luke would be just fine. He could talk with his ghost, and be satisfied with that.
Wow Anakin is such a mean father.
I hope Anakin finds out that even though his older self has left, Ben still lingers because of Luke that will surely make him jealous (and at this rate he deserves to be slapped too).
Also I would like him to hear Luke reffer to Obi-Wan as Ben I wonder what kind of reaction he would he get from that.
The story
Date: 2005-09-23 08:09 am (UTC)I discovered your story only two days ago and I love it!
I am not a fan of Anakin, nor I especially like slash, but your story has captured me.
I like the idea of the time-jump, I like the idea of Ben visiting Anakin, I like how 'screwed up'Anakin's feelings/emotions/convinctions about the persons he loves are, and I like how you portray Obi-Wan. But what I like most is the gentle, tender way Obi-wan and Anakin are expressing their love.
I am an hopeless romantic and prefer tenderness to passion and I got teary-eyed when Anakin asked Obi-wan if it was like this (love=serenity, not passion)...it was soooo beautiful. :)
I truly hope you will continue to develop their relationship along these lines and I hope these events in the future will help, in some way, to change the past and prevent Anakin's turn. *please, please, please let it have an happy end* However, I cannot help but wonder how Anakin will react when (or if) he learn how Obi-Wan died...
Keep on with the good work...and post more SOOOOON!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-23 02:08 pm (UTC)Ani is pretty, not bright. I find it totally believable that he hasn't processed that Old Ben is *dead* -- he's deliberately not thinking about it. You can almost imaging him going 'la la la'.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-23 04:59 pm (UTC)Oh, that line is quite wonderful. And Anakin's possessiveness is spot on. He just doesn't get that people can't be owned, bless him.
I adore the fact that Anakin actually thought of contacting the ghost of Obi-Wan, and I adore the fact that the ghost of Obi-Wan came and was quite grounded in reality. His affection for Anakin was also particularly touching.
Can't wait to see the Luke interaction.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 07:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 08:04 am (UTC)Yes, Anakin, not every relationship has to be defined as romantic!
But, I really like you anyway... *sigh*
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:05 am (UTC)The door thing is something that I may move around later on. I do want it in there, because it Says Something about the New Republic to me (because I am a dork), but the placing is a touch off. Have I mentioned before that I plan on going over the entire thing for final adjustments before I put it up on my website? I'm not entirely sure that I have. Hmm.
Love. So, so, so much love right now.
Thank you!
You surprised me completely this chapter, when Anakin just "yoinked!" ghost!Obi-Wan like that. (I guess I got so used to Luke never being able to see him when he wants to that I took for granted it was impossible to move ghosts around.) And is it just me, or is ghost!Obi-Wan giving Anakin mixed signals?
Sometimes, the direct approach works best.
So much about this chapter was brilliant-- Anakin's relief at seeing ghost!Obi-Wan's age, then his preference for the live, fully-present Obi-Wan. Ghost!Obi-Wan's reaction to Anakin and their conversation, the details of Obi-Wan waking up, the last bit of conversation, and pretty much all of it, really.
Thank you. I really liked exploring that difference and I love writing Anakin's feelings about Obi-Wan, because he's such a wonderful, but rather screwed-up guy.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:07 am (UTC)Thank you!
And yeah, the touching thing and just the love between them... I really do love writing it.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:11 am (UTC)Anakin is just disturbing here. He really doesn't know how to deal with people except as rivals and possessions (and owners... eeeeyuck!) It is NOT going to work out, as Luke can and will just sidestep ever move Anakin tries to make and flip everything upside down. That's what Luke DOES and why he wins.
Yeah, Anakin's way of looking at life is decidedly fucked-up. And Luke's isn't. He has his issues, but he has a very clear and strong sense of what really is right and wrong.
Also, Anakin is interpreting this as a romantic rivalry? Luke is so going to go "Euuuu!" when he figures that out.
Poor Luke is going to have no illusions about his dad when all is said and done.
Anakin is not going understand. There is just no way he could, because Anakin does not deal well with complexity and contradiction. Though Ben should just tell him anyway, because at least then Anakin will be baffled, instead of angry that things are being kept from him. And also, he IS trying to get in a rivalry with Qui-Gon -- Anakin is SO messed in the head.
Yes, he really is. I rather dearly love the character, but he is so fucked up.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:16 am (UTC)Yes, exactly.
Thank you for the feedback.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:17 am (UTC)Aw, thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:18 am (UTC)Thank you. And yes, Anakin is incredibly intense. He's a pleasure to write because of that.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:19 am (UTC)*grins*
*basks in the love*
Thank you!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:19 am (UTC)And sadly, there's a lot that Anakin doesn't want to understand.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:22 am (UTC)And I'm glad that Anakin makes sense here, that I can explain him. Because he's one of the characters that just... clicked with me in RotS.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:25 am (UTC)And yeah, Anakin really does need a bit of perspective. He's such a very... selfish character.
Thank you!
Date: 2005-09-24 10:27 am (UTC)I'm really glad that you gave my story a chance, even though it isn't what you generally prefer, and I'm thrilled that it's working for you. Out of curiosity, how did you find it?
And, no worries, I'm a bit of hopeless romantic myself. And I'm a sucker for gentle loves that develop out of friendship.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:29 am (UTC)Oh, that line is quite wonderful. And Anakin's possessiveness is spot on. He just doesn't get that people can't be owned, bless him.
He really doesn't, poor sweetheart.
I adore the fact that Anakin actually thought of contacting the ghost of Obi-Wan, and I adore the fact that the ghost of Obi-Wan came and was quite grounded in reality. His affection for Anakin was also particularly touching.
Thank you. I have such a soft spot for the way Obi-Wan continues to care about his memory of his 'good friend' Anakin. He always sounded slightly wistful to me when he mentioned Anakin to Luke.
Can't wait to see the Luke interaction.
Hope it doesn't disappoint.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:32 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-24 10:32 am (UTC)And yes, Anakin has such a narrow perspective on life.
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2005-09-24 03:46 pm (UTC)Returning to your story, I am happy, very happy to read you like gentle, sweet loves...Keep on with the good work!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-25 03:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-25 05:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-13 10:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-19 09:22 am (UTC)And don't worry about coming off as pushy or rude. I completely understand how it feels to have an author stop in the middle of a WIP.
So, back-burner for now. Can't say for sure when more will come, though if nothing else jumpstarts the muse, it'll come out to play when RoTS finally comes out on dvd.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-22 06:27 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-26 08:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-02 05:27 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-02 08:49 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-11 08:13 pm (UTC)The next chapter is up: http://www.livejournal.com/users/butterfly/1073861.html
(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-11 08:14 pm (UTC)So, yes, the next chapter is up: http://www.livejournal.com/users/butterfly/1073861.html