Fic: And Burnt the Topless Towers of Ilium (American Idol, Kris/Adam)

[butterfly]

Title: And Burnt the Topless Towers of Ilium
Summary: Sex, lies, and videotape dvd. Or, what happened when Kris found Adam's sex tapes.
Pairings: Kris/Adam; also Adam/Brad, Adam/other, Kris/Katy, Kris/other
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~20k
Notes: Title from Christopher Marlowe's Doctor Faustus. Story idea from risti. Thanks to hazyclarity09, cdvla313 and jlf6470 for looking over the first draft and giving advice. Thanks to all my Beepers for support while I was writing.

And Burnt the Topless Towers of Ilium
Kris flicked on the light, only putting the dimmer half-way up so that the brightness in the entrance hall didn't blind him too much. Without Adam around, the house was too big and cold and the air tasted stale, though Kris knew Adam had a housekeeper come by on occasion to freshen things up.

Still, it was warmer than Kris's apartment right now.

"Happy birthday to me," Kris said, quietly, dropping his spare key into the delicate porcelain dish on the nearby table. He locked and bolted Adam's front door, then slipped his phone out of his pocket, turning it on and picking out the text that Adam had sent him that morning - congrats on turning twenty-seven, babe! looking better by the year! - and a smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

It was certainly better than remembering the way he and Katy had yelled at each other earlier. Fuck, he hadn't known that he could get that angry at someone. All he'd wanted was a chance to relax, to maybe take a breath - on his birthday - and Katy had decided that it was the perfect time to bring up the idea of selling the place in L.A. to move back to Arkansas.

Not wanting to think about it, Kris sighed and wandered down the hallway, running his hand along the wall, fingers catching on the bumps and dips of the textured wall pattern. Adam's house was really well-designed. He'd noticed that the first time that he'd come to visit, a week or so after Adam had moved in. Adam had brought in someone to do the interior decorating, but - Adam had told Kris - that person had provided options and Adam had made the specific choices. Give Kris a list of options about his rooms and he would probably have tried to pass the choice along to someone else, but Adam knew what he wanted when it came to things like paint and art and cushy rugs that a guy could dig his toes into.

The kitchen was airy and huge - Kris could see some stars through the skylight - and there was good stuff buried in the cupboards, food that kept for a long time. Spaghetti, he decided. He'd have spaghetti. Adam, of course, only had that whole-wheat kind, but Kris had gotten used to the taste.

While the water was heating, Kris went to the entertainment room and stared at Adam's dvds. The last time Adam had been in town, they'd watched the first season of Gossip Girl - and, really, Kris sometimes suspected Adam of not being into the show and just pretending otherwise to torment Kris - but he knew Adam had to have some better choices around. Kris bit down on his lip, pushing away the flash of guilt that hit him as he left the main dvd shelf and opened up the cabinet that was tucked away behind a plant.

He just needed to relax tonight and Adam wouldn't mind if Kris watched some of his porn. Fuck, Adam had pointed out his selection of dvds to Kris and specifically mentioned that there was girl-guy and girl-girl stuff in it. It wasn't all gay guys and anal or whatever.

Kris pulled out a couple of dvds and then made faces at the covers. Silly costumes, horribly stupid expressions on everyone's faces... he shoved them back into the cabinet. Then he noticed some slim cases lying on top of the rest of the dvds and he grabbed those to check them out. They were just labeled with dates - most from 2006 and 2007, a couple from 2008 - one from 2009 marked 'Christmas' in handwriting that Kris didn't recognize. Nothing any newer than that.

He dropped them off by the tv and went back to the kitchen to eat. He checked his phone a couple of times while his food was cooking, but Katy hadn't called or texted. Not that he'd really expected her to, not after he'd called her friends small-minded bigots.

That had probably not been his best moment ever.

He would need to apologize about that, sooner or later. Even if it was true. Besides, it hadn't been the point and they'd both known that. By then, he'd just wanted to hurt her back. Mission accomplished and didn't it make him feel like crap now.

Kris got his dinner together and ate in the kitchen, not bothering to go to a table, just eating off a plate on the counter. Then he cleaned up after himself, washing the dishes by hand. He went back over to check out the mystery dvds.

Most of the dates were in Adam's writing, and Kris picked out the earliest of them. They might be porn that Adam had downloaded from the internet or that a friend had burned for him. At least there weren't any stupid, distracting pictures on the front.

He turned the tv on and, just as a precaution, turned the sound low. Adam didn't have any neighbors close enough to hear anything, but Kris didn't know when that housekeeper stopped by normally, so he didn't want to take too many chances. He slipped the disc into the player and settled himself on the long couch opposite the big screen. It loaded for a second, then started playing automatically, but it was just a fullscreen image of a bedroom at first, focused at a wide angle on the bed.

Kris turned the volume up, then let out a surprised huff of breath as he recognized the voice.

"-idea, if you ask me." Adam said, wandering into the view of the camera. It was Adam, but he was young. Not crazy young or anything, but around Kris's age or a little younger.

This was... wow, this was a sex tape. The kind that Adam claimed he'd never made.

Okay, no one was actually having sex yet and Adam had all his clothes on, but it had been in Adam's porn collection, so it was pretty obvious where the whole Adam-bed collaboration was going to go.

Adam shot a look in the direction of the camera - just past it, to whoever had set it up - flirty and hopeful, with an edge of uncertainty that Kris wasn't used to seeing in him. He opened up his mouth to say something else and then Kris realized that he was about to watch porn starring Adam and he smashed down the power button on the remote control, shutting the player off.

Watching Adam's porn was one thing. Watching Adam in porn was something else completely.

Kris turned off the tv and went to take a shower. He hadn't brought any clothes with him, but he was pretty sure that some of his stuff was still stuck in a drawer. And even if he couldn't find anything, he could just grab something of Adam's. No big deal.

While he was in the shower, he jerked off. He didn't think about Katy, or anything really, just the feel of his hand stroking on his dick, fast and wet. It was enough.

There were a couple of pairs of sleep pants in his size in the guest room he used, though he wasn't actually sure he recognized them. Whatever. If they weren't his, it didn't matter. He'd wash them long before Adam got back home again. He settled himself into the bed, which was a lot more comfortable than the one that he and Katy had - one of these days, he really needed to ask Adam where he'd gotten his mattresses - when he heard his cell phone start buzzing.

His jeans were in a heap on the floor and he dug through them to get his phone, answering it with a wordless grunt.

"Oh, were you asleep?" Adam asked and Kris blinked, feeling about ten times more awake than he'd felt a minute ago.

"Not yet," Kris said. He looked over at the clock on the night stand. Not quite eleven. "Are you even out of your outfit?"

"I didn't want to miss you," Adam said and that- oh. Kris grinned as Adam continued. "Happy birthday, honey. Sorry I couldn't call sooner. I haven't had a second to myself all day."

"And you're probably getting one of those 'wrap it up' glares right now, talking to me while you've still got stuff to do," Kris said. "I- thanks, Adam."

"I just wish I could be there," Adam said. "How'd the birthday dinner go? That old spark of romance come back yet?"

"It... went," Kris said, not wanting to get into the burning wreckage that was the current state of his marriage. That was a conversation to have in person. "Katy tried to make steaks."

They'd ended up ordering Chinese. He'd only barely started eating when their tense conversation had escalated into flat-out arguing.

Kris wondered, just for a second, what Katy had done with all the extra food.

"Ah," Adam said. Adam always knew when not to push and he didn't say anything else about Katy, changing the subject to bubble over with joy at how well his concert had gone. Kris made vague noises at him, slipping back into bed, pressing the speakerphone button and putting the phone on the night stand. After a few minutes, he shifted onto his side, trying to suppress a yawn. "Are you still awake?" Adam's voice was a little suspicious.

"Not really," Kris said and that was true; he felt half-way asleep, peaceful. "Don't have to stop talking though."

"All right, I'll tell you something about you," Adam said, gentle and teasing. Then he started talking again, about something astrological this time and Kris fell asleep to the sound of his voice, just like old times.

The next morning, he toyed with the idea of going back to the apartment, but it was just as unappealing an idea in the cold light of day as it had been last night. Instead, he just called in to Lizzie and asked what his schedule was - phone interviews to a couple of radio stations about the new single but, apart from that, nothing urgent. Kris made sure to set alarms on his phone for the interviews and then he poured himself a bowl of cereal, digging through the cupboards to find the real sugar that Adam pretended that he didn't have and heaping it all over and mixing it in until it was just a little too sweet.

Then he went back to the couch and ate while he watched the news.

His phone buzzed.

Katy.

He let it go to voicemail.

Then he spent another half an hour or so watching the news, his eyes shifting to the pile of dvds whenever his mind wandered. It wasn't that he wanted to see Adam in porn. It was just that it was so strange to think that porn with Adam existed.

Not that he thought Adam would be bad at porn or anything. The guy had, like, a huge dick. And he was good at dancing and real good at talking. Adam probably made great porn.

None of that was Kris's business, though, so he decided to put the entire thing right out of his head.

Music being the best distraction that he knew, Kris went back to the guest room and pulled out the extra guitar that Adam had talked him into leaving there a while back, and after he tuned it, he just let himself play. He didn't think of any song in particular but, after a couple of minutes, he noticed that he was playing "Starlight". He finished out the song and then put the guitar away again. His phone buzzed and it was his alarm this time, so he called into the radio show that Lizzie had told him about and chatted with the hosts for a few minutes about his new songs and how excited he was to be going back out on tour soon. It went well enough, though he never liked doing the phone-ins as much as actually going in person to talk and maybe play a little.

Lizzie called, then, to tell him that Katy had called her and could he please deal with his wife himself so that she wasn't bothering the office. He made a vague noise of agreement and Lizzie sighed.

"You aren't going to call her, are you?" she asked, but she didn't wait for an answer. "What do you want me to say?"

"Just tell her I'm working on stuff," Kris said, and he knew that she was probably preparing to write another one of those memos where she called him 'stubborn' and a 'problem artist' but he didn't really care at the moment. He and Katy would make up - they always had before - and he'd deal with it then. Lizzie always made such a fuss about every tiny issue. "She knows I work on songs when I'm upset."

Lizzie agreed - grudgingly - and, after they'd hung up, Kris decided to make good on his word to Lizzie and went back to the guitar.

He found himself picking out "Strut" that time.

Clearly, this strange preoccupation wasn't going to go away unless he dealt with it. He wasn't going to do anything weird or- yeah. He was just going to... satisfy his curiosity. It wasn't about sex; it was about Adam.

Since he'd never actually gotten around to taking the disc out, all he had to do was turn everything back on. The file booted up and he was back to the beginning again, with that wide angle of the bed, but this time, the sound was on from the start and he could hear an unfamiliar male voice talking.

"Trust me - it's going to be amazing. We'll watch it afterward and get to see how beautiful we look together!"

Then Adam's voice came in, slightly overlapping the other guy, "I don't know. It's not the best idea, if you ask me," and he was back in shot now and Kris let himself really look this time. Adam was dressed down, but there was make-up around his eyes and his freckles were covered up. He looked over at the camera - at that mystery guy - nervous but willing. Short black hair, shirt half-unbuttoned already. Not so different than he looked now, but he stood differently and he was just... he wasn't quite the Adam that Kris had met yet, in some way that Kris wasn't sure he could define.

The other guy came in frame and Kris didn't recognize him. He was almost as tall as Adam, but skinny as hell. Curly brown hair and he had on some jewelry, was sporting a couple of tattoos, and when he turned toward the camera, Kris could see eyeliner and lipstick and piercings.

"C'mon," the guy said, and he was pouting a little. "Haven't you ever done it before?"

Adam's nose crinkled a little, but he didn't quite laugh. "Seriously, honey, I'm not sure I want to take the chance of having this around in my past. If... you know."

"If you ever get that lucky break," the guy said, quietly. "You aren't planning on-"

"No," Adam said, fast enough that he and... whoever it was... must have talked about this before, whatever it was. "Not even for the good life."

It was a little... disappointing, the way the conversation was going. Which was weird, because of course he hadn't actually wanted to watch Adam doing porn. Still, for a sex tape, it was moving pretty slowly. Kris fast-forward the video, skimming a bit until-

Oh.

Kris rewound a little and hit 'play', watching as Adam shrugged off his shirt. The other guy was standing right in front of him and he slid his hands over Adam's sides, around to his back, tugging him close. Adam leaned down, just a little, catching the other man's mouth in a biting kiss.

Clothes kept coming off and Adam was fumbling for a condom, clumsy and eager and he kept touching, they never stopped touching and kissing, and Kris could see fingers digging into skin and both of them were moaning, and that was- whoa, he knew a little bit about how gay sex worked, but he hadn't realized how much the guy being done could enjoy it, the way he was whimpering and pushing back against Adam's thrusts.

"That was fun," Adam said, afterwards, lying back on the bed and tucking his arms behind his head. It was strange how post-sex Adam seemed more like the Adam that Kris recognized, relaxed and comfortable in himself.

"Yeah," Kris said and his hand was pressing against his cock, hard down through the fabric of his jeans. "It was."

The disc went to the next clip and it was Adam and that same guy, but there wasn't any talking this time, just... it wasn't even sex, it was performing with Adam shooting sultry looks at the camera every once in a while, and Kris's dick fucking hurt, his jeans were so tight. He shifted his hips up against his hand and Adam didn't take his eyes away from the camera when he came, and Kris watched as Adam shuddered down from the high of it.

In the clip after that, the guy... and Adam said his name this time, so Kris knew that it was... Sean was tied up, arms stretched up tight over his head, legs spread wide. Adam took his time, licking and sucking and leaving little pink marks all over Sean's thighs.

After the fourth clip - which featured a lot of fully clothing kissing and rubbing that really shouldn't have been as hot as it was - Kris was aching. He'd guessed, earlier, that Adam would probably made good porn and that assumption was getting confirmed in spades. Adam was... he was just as vibrant and electric on camera as always, but with the focus completely on sex, none of it diverted into music, he was compelling in a completely different way than normal.

It made sense to find that attractive, even if...

Adam had said it himself, more than once - "sexy is sexy". Gay or straight or whatever. That part didn't matter.

Kris curled his fingers, outlining himself through his jeans. Adam moaned, and it was so raw, so open. Kris wasn't sure he'd ever sounded like that during sex. And he knew that he'd never made Katy make any noises like that. That was something that he'd wanted to talk to Adam about, just once, maybe, but he'd never quite worked up the courage, especially not after everything. But maybe Kris had been doing sex wrong, maybe that was part of what was behind the arguments that had crept up between him and Katy ever since they'd gotten married. And with actual proof in his face of how good sex could make people sound... it was... it was intimidating. Kris cupped himself and took a long look at Adam and Sean - both still dressed, but thoroughly enjoying each other.

He paused the video, catching Adam's mouth open as he licked at Sean's neck. Adam's hand was under Sean's shirt, tugging it up. Skinny boy, that one. Like Brad. Even Drake wasn't exactly the muscle-man type, though he hadn't been quite as thin. Kris bit down on his lip, rubbed his thumb hard over the head of his dick and then pulled his hand away.

He'd been right in the first place - watching porn with Adam in it was just too weird. It made all sorts of thoughts pop up in his head that he wasn't allowed to have.

He turned it off, pulled the disk out this time and put it back in the case.

He curled back up on the couch and cleared his mind, taking his dick out and focusing his eyes on the abstract painting up on the far side of the wall - Adam had said he wanted it there for balance. It was... soothing, because it didn't really look like anything. Kris's hand was too dry but he wasn't going to go looking for Adam's sex supplies. That would just be- that was going a little too far. He stroked a little roughly, wanting it over with, but it was- it wasn't easy. His mind kept searching for something to latch onto and he'd just watched that tape and he couldn't keep the images out as easily as...

Kris sighed and let go of himself, standing up and going back over to Adam's porn dvd cabinet. He looked at some of the dvds again, still cringing inside at the pictures, but he picked out one that had two girls on the cover - a brunette and a red-head, both topless - and went over and put it into the player. This time after he settled back on the couch, he turned the porn on and fast-forward about ten minutes, until the girls were already naked and at each other.

The red-head had bigger breasts and she was lying on her back, cooing as the brunette girl licked at her pussy.

It didn't sound real. She didn't - sure, she was maybe getting off on it, but she kept looking at the camera with this fake seductive stare, like he was supposed to believe that she could see him. It was just so... so staged.

Of course, it was staged. It was porn.

Adam's had sounded real, though. It had been just as set-up as this one, but Adam had meant those moans.

Kris turned off the movie, then closed his eyes and just tried to think of those girls naked. He moved his hand quickly, and tried to take it down to just sexy parts - skin that was soft and smooth, long legs that could wrap right around his waist, thick hair that he could just bury his hands in, strong shoulders covered in freckles, those eyes, staring out of the camera, so blue-

He was coming even as his mind snapped that image into clarity-

"Adam."

Kris took in a ragged breath. Okay, it wasn't his fault. He'd just been watching porn with Adam in it. It was-

No. He'd... it was because of that stupid argument. Because Katy had dragged out the 'Kradam' thing to attack him with again. That was all. She was the reason that it was on his mind to begin with - because she liked to think that Adam had anything to do with their arguments when she was the one who always brought him up.

His hand was sticky, but he'd managed to only get himself messed up and not Adam's couch. He went to the bathroom to clean up.

Then Kris steeled himself and went over to check his phone to listen to the message that Katy had left him.

Her voice sounded forced, with that strain to it that he'd grown used to hearing during their fights. "So, what, now you aren't coming back home?" She huffed into the phone, the sound cracking a little. "Fine. Whatever. Call me back when you're ready to act like a grown-up." And that was it.

There was a lot of stuff that Kris had left behind in the apartment - most usefully, his laptop. Instead, he parked himself in front of Adam's computer. He checked his email online, marking aside a message from Megan to read later. Most of his email was stuff that Lizzie had forwarded to him that she would end up telling him on the phone anyway, but yesterday Andrew had sent him a little note about a club that he was hoping Kris would check out with him. Kris replied back that it sounded cool and they could talk about it more in rehearsal tomorrow, then settled in to read Megan's email.

She liked to send these long, rambling notes out about what awesome things her son Ryder was currently doing, with plenty of pictures attached. Currently, he wanted to be a wolf spider when he grew up, despite Megan telling him that wasn't exactly possible. Last time she'd written, he'd wanted to be an elk. Kris was thinking that maybe the kid wanted to be a biologist or a zoologist or something like that. It was cute, like always, and he sent her back an email telling her how amazing her kid was, though she already knew all that, of course.

He'd just sent the email off when his phone buzzed again and it was time to call into the other radio show.

The DJ asked him about Adam - had he heard how successful Adam's second album was - why, yes, Kris had heard and was absolutely delighted. Did Kris still feel a sense of competition with Adam? Well, Kris hadn't ever felt like they were competing in the first place, so definitely not after three years of being good friends. What was his favorite song off of Adam's new album? Hedonism, Kris said, which was one of Adam's co-writes on the album - I like the lyrical complexity and the beat is solid, man.

Kris dithered around for a while after that phone call, not really feeling up to much.

He needed to talk to Katy. He knew that. If he talked to her... apologized... maybe cooked her dinner to make up for last night... things would be- they'd go back to normal. Like always. This was far from their first fight. Fuck, it wasn't even their first fight about this exact same thing. It was just the first time Kris had actually left the house in the middle of the fight. He just... he knew how the argument went - Katy would accuse him of cheating on her which was... Adam wouldn't ever have... Adam deserved better than that. He deserved better than getting accused of something like that when he couldn't even defend himself. And for her to pull that out now, after what she'd-

Kris had been fine with things the way they used to be. Sure, he and Katy hadn't been wildly happy, but they'd been content.

He thought they had, at least.

Or he'd wanted them to be. He wasn't really sure anymore.

His sleep that night was broken, and he kept waking up and getting distracted by all the quiet noise around him. Adam's house was empty, which made all the other sounds of the night - the hum of electronics and the very buzz of the air - come alive all around him.

The next morning, he had an edge of pain in his temples and he decided not to bother putting his contacts back in. He ate some toast for breakfast and then spent an hour messing around with his guitar, jotting some thoughts down. There were a couple of moments - not songs yet, just moments in them - that he wanted to remember.

Adam had texted him a picture of some fuzzy toy rabbit that a fan had given him - tiny enough that it fit cleanly into the palm of Adam's hand. his name is clarence, Adam said along with the pic. and you can't play w/ him. you lose things.

i don't even want to play with your rabbit. :o

Kris grinned as he sent back his answer, then checked the clock. Time to head out for rehearsal.

He wasn't really worried about Katy coming to the studio to ambush him. She hated being there, though she'd never really explained why. But the few times she'd gone, she'd gotten quiet and miserable and it was easier not to argue. Even if it meant that they barely spent any time together when they were both in L.A.

They'd done a lot of things because they were easier.

During rehearsal, Cale broke a guitar string. And then he started crying. This was something of an unprecedented event, so they stopped the rehearsal and Kris took Cale to the side to figure out what was wrong. The news just added to his headache - Cale's long-term girlfriend had broken up with him. It came as something of a jolt. She was mellow and funny, a lot like Cale, and Kris had actually figured that they would get married sometime soon.

"It surprised me, too," Cale said, picking at his fingernails. Ever since the last time he'd hung out with Adam, Cale had picked up the strange habit of painting a clear layer of polish on his nails in the morning only to slowly pick it all off again over the course of the day. "She said that it was a long time coming, but how come I didn't see it coming? I thought things were going great."

"Did she- why?" Kris asked. "I thought you guys were perfect together."

"Me, too," Cale said. "But she said she was thinking of me going out on this tour with you and... she said that she couldn't take another tour. I thought she liked coming out to hear us play, you know? I didn't think she was getting- but when I asked her if she wanted me to quit-" Cale reached out and wrapped a warm hand around Kris's forearm. "-I wasn't saying that I would, man. You know I wouldn't do that to you. I was just asking if that's what she wanted. And she said 'no' and that I didn't understand anything. And then she hung up."

"Ouch," Kris said, patting Cale's hand. "But that doesn't have to mean that it's over. I mean... Katy and I have had a million arguments about my career and we're still together."

"That's not actually as reassuring as you think it is," Cale said, after a moment. "By the way, Katy called yesterday." Kris winced. "She wanted to know if you'd spent the night over at my place. Because of the whole thing about you walking out on her and everything."

"Okay... that... happened," Kris admitted. "But like I said, Katy and I fight all the time and we're married. Fighting doesn't mean that the relationship is over."

"Again, probably not as reassuring as you meant to be," Cale said. "Whatever, let's just play, okay? I don't want to spend all day thinking about it. Not when I can't even talk to her in person for another six weeks."

Cale smiled gamely at Kris but it was hollow, no real happiness in his eyes.

"You could- you could miss rehearsal for a few days and fly out there," Kris said. "You don't... I know how much you love her."

"I couldn't do that to you-"

"Yes, you can," Kris said, fierce. "If I crawled on my knees, would you come back to me - you can't write something like that and just give up. Don't you dare give up on someone that you love that much. At least find out why."

"She doesn't want to see me," Cale said, but he was wavering.

"Did she say that?" Kris asked. "Because... because I bet she does want to see you."

"You really think so?"

"I think I'm going to go grab Lizzie and have her get you a ticket to Arkansas," Kris said. He gave Cale's hand one final pat and then stepped in to hug him. He buried his face against Cale's shoulder, pressed his mouth against the cotton of Cale's shirt. Cale's arms tightened around him for a second and then they both stepped back, Cale's hand on his back lingering a second for a reassuring rub. Lizzie was capable as always, of course, telling him that she'd set up a flight in no time.

They went back and rehearsed for a few more hours, going through all the new songs and sprucing up a couple of things in the older ones from the first album. It went a lot better, more smooth, than things had been going before Cale's confession and they sounded good, almost ready to head out on tour again.

Just when Adam would be getting back to L.A.

They'd have barely a day in the same place before Kris had to leave. They never really seemed to get enough time to catch up in person. Kris loved being busy, loved getting out and performing, but it would have been nice if at least a couple of his rare breaks meshed up better with Adam's. He'd been told not to expect miracles when it came to things like that, though - it was better for him, image-wise, to be separate from Adam in the public eye. Unless you want him to overshadow you for the rest of your life.

And they never believed him when he told them that he wouldn't really mind that.

As the band broke up rehearsal, Andrew mentioned that new club again and all of them headed out, except Cale, who got a text from Lizzie about his new flight info and wanted to go to bed early so that he would be rested up for his trip.

"It's called The Double Six," Andrew said. "But you'll laugh when you see the sign."

The second of the sixes had 'fallen' from its place on the sign, twisting around to turn into a nine underneath. Kris rolled his eyes and laughed and Chris punched Andrew in the shoulder and called it "epic". The place was dark and crowded inside, which wouldn't be unusual anywhere on a Saturday night, with loud conversation actually managing to successfully compete with the music being played.

"I'm going to grab us some drinks," Ryland announced, and he snagged Andrew by the shoulder and they made a beeline for the bar.

"Five bucks says he's going for the brunette in the thigh-high boots," Chris said, as he and Kris settled at a table. Kris glanced over and saw that Ryland was already leaning toward the girl in question, while Andrew talked to the bartender.

"Five bucks, he comes back without her number," he countered. Chris laughed and kicked at Kris under the table, connected lightly with his ankle. "So, what's so special about this club, anyway? Why was Andrew so hot on it?"

"He didn't tell me, either. It's a nice place, though," Chris said. "I think he and Ryland scoped it out last week. It only opened a month ago, I think."

Kris glanced around, and it was cool enough - high ceilings and enough air conditioning being pumped in to counter the lingering heat of the day and the press of bodies. The music was... he cocked his head and listened more closely, picking out the song as Lady Gaga's newest single, remixed. It was fine. Just not really anything special.

"He shoots... he scores!" Ryland's voice cut in, gleeful, and four beers were clunked down onto the table.

"You got that girl's number?" Chris asked, leaning forward.

"I got her number, her email, and she told me that I have pretty eyes," Ryland said, waving his phone. "Oh, sweet Annie, my heart is hers!"

"At least for tonight," Andrew said.

Chris looked across the table and coughed, holding out his hand. Kris laughed and paid up the five dollars.

The lights, already dim, darkened even more and Andrew caught his breath. "Here we go. Oh, hey, Kris - you're welcome."

Kris opened his mouth to ask the obvious question, but then another set of lights turned on, bright and temporarily blinding. The railings that Kris had thought were an affectation of style wound up into the ceiling and supported catwalks. Then the dancers strutted out onto the catwalk - girls and boys. Most of them took up particular spots and started dancing but a few of them seemed to be searching the audience and one of them - a tall and slim boy who gleamed a dark golden-brown under the hot lights - met Kris's eyes and grinned with recognition, heading in their direction.

He was just telling himself that this could not possibly be what it looked like when Ryland leaned over and whispered, "Happy late birthday," in his ear. "His name is Ronnie."

Kris was dimly aware of Andrew saying something quietly to Chris, most of his attention caught by the guy shimmying down the metal railing to land on their table. "Well, hello, Table Eight. You know, I didn't really believe that the Kris Allen they were talking about was that Kris Allen until I spotted you five seconds ago," Ronnie said, and his voice was low and sweet. He reached down and skimmed his finger down Kris's face. "Nice surprise. And you are even cuter in person."

He nearly fell out of his chair. There was- this was...

"I-uh. I don't know what they told you," Kris said, fumbling with his words and he knew that he was blushing, could feel the heat of it. "But I-"

"The rules are that you can't touch me," Ronnie said. His hips were moving to the beat of the music, and the volume had crept up while Kris had been distracted, overpowering almost everything now, and Kris had to strain to hear Ronnie's voice. "But I would probably make an exception for you." He was grinning at Kris like they were sharing a secret and it was... it wasn't fair. Jesus, his skin looked like it would be soft.

I tried so hard! Katy had said. So fucking hard, Kristopher. And it's like you don't even see me anymore. He saw me.

"I'm sorry," Kris said. "I'm sorry, I can't-" He pushed away from the table and he couldn't even look the guys in the eyes because they'd- fuck, they'd arranged this and he didn't know if that meant that they- he didn't know. "I'm sorry."

He was gone as quickly as he could be, pushing through the bodies and not sure what he'd do if anyone else recognized him. Once outside, he leaned against the wall and just breathed. A minute later, he heard the door open again.

"Are you- that was supposed to be fun for you." Andrew said, tall and solid as he came up and leaned next to Kris, their shoulders touching. "Just- a fun birthday surprise."

"I'm married," Kris said, over the pounding in his head. "I don't- I'm married."

"Married, not dead," Andrew said. "And you're married to a girl, so it's not like the other part of you gets any satisfaction."

"What are you talking about?" Kris asked, voice flat.

"You know, the part that wants to do guys," Andrew said, relaxed and casual, like saying that didn't mean anything. "Look, man, I really didn't want to cause you any grief at home or anything like that. Lots of married guys go to strip clubs. I didn't think it would be a big deal."

Kris laughed, his head clunking back onto the brick wall behind them. "Not a big deal. Sure, hey, of course, it isn't."

"You're upset about this," Andrew said, and he sounded so confused. "I mean- you're really upset."

"If you- why this year?" Kris asked. "Why not last year?"

"I got you that really awesome guitar strap," Andrew said. "I thought that was enough."

Just a coincidence. Of course, it was. No one knew that he'd been watching that tape of Adam. And no one knew the details of his fights with Katy. It was all just- a coincidence and a misunderstanding. Kris opened his mouth to say, I don't like guys but the words got stuck. There was a reason that he'd never said it before, through everything that had happened with Adam and the crush, through all the arguments that he'd had with Katy.

He told Andrew good-night and then got himself a cab to the studio, where he picked up his car and... after a second of thinking about it, drove back to Adam's place.

The dvds were right where he'd left them. He grabbed a later one - labeled 2007 - and slid it into the player.

He should drive back to Katy. He should apologize, get down on his knees and say it was all his fault. Even if- but he should.

The dvd started playing. Adam's room looked different and, when he strode on screen, he looked different, too. He was loose and comfortable, grinning as he adjusted the sheets on the bed, though they hadn't looked messed up. He was topless, just wearing a pair of skintight pants. Adam crawled up onto the bed and looked off camera. "C'mon, baby. You know you'll like watching yourself later."

"You picked up all kinds of habits while I was gone-" And Kris recognized that voice, even before Brad slinked into view. Brad was dressed, but his clothes were almost transparent and so tight that Kris had to wonder how he could even breathe. Adam hauled Brad up onto the bed like he was made of air, and the two of them just kissed for a while. It almost seemed like they'd forgotten about the camera, they were so caught up in each other. Then Brad pulled away and pet Adam's chest. "I think I like the changes."

Adam's mouth twisted, just a little, and then he was kissing Brad again, lying back and pulling Brad over to straddle his hips. Brad let out a breathy moan and Kris shifted on the couch. He was- he'd been half-hard since Ronnie had touched his face in the club. He couldn't have gone home to Katy like that.

Brad was quieter in bed than Kris would have guessed, but he moved constantly, hips shimmying over Adam's and his hands sliding around and tugging at Adam's nipples. Adam didn't seem to be in any hurry to get Brad's clothes off, just kissing him and stroking his hands over Brad's slim waist. Brad slid down, licking at Adam's neck. One of Adam's hands reached up to settle in Brad's hair and... pushed and Brad obeyed, kissing his way down Adam's chest and stomach. Kris pressed his knuckles down against his cock until it hurt and he'd walked away from a lap dance in order to watch one of his best friends be porn and there was something-

there was something so fucked up about that.

Brad opened up Adam's pants and took out his cock, giving the head a lick. Kris closed his eyes, his fingers tugging down the zipper on his jeans. He could hear- he could hear-

Adam was moaning, and Kris just... he just...

He wanted to make Adam sound like that.

Kris half-sobbed as he came, burying his mouth against his arm, hips jerking up against his hand.

Adam and Brad were still... still involved on the screen, and when Kris opened his eyes, he saw Brad's mouth straining around Adam's cock and it looked like it had to hurt but Brad's eyes were closed and he seemed... he looked happy. Kris hit pause on the remote, then he leaned his head back against the couch. Adam was caught mid-moan, his face drawn out in pleasure.

Kris went to take a shower, shivering though the water beat down hot against his skin.

There was- he felt like he'd run ten miles, his exhaustion all out of pace with how little he'd done. He curled up on his bed, not bothering to get dressed, and tried to sleep.

He woke up barely an hour later and his head was just pounding. He rolled out of bed and checked Adam's medicine cabinet, swallowing down a few aspirin. He checked his phone and - fuck, his mom had called earlier and he hadn't noticed. So had Alisan and, even though Kris knew that he should probably call his mom back first, Alisan was a lot more likely to be awake at - he glanced at the time - two in the morning, California-time. And while she was still more Adam's friend than she was Kris's, he really appreciate the way that she - the way that all of Adam's friends - had accepted him as part of their circle, despite the fact that he was far less glam and glitterly than the rest of them.

"Took you long enough, Arkansas," Alisan grumbled, but she didn't sound like she'd been sleeping. "How's all that rehearsal shit going?"

"It's going good," Kris said. "If you were calling to wish me a happy birthday, you're two days late."

"You aren't the boss of me," Alisan said. "I'll wish you happy birthday when I want to. Besides, not everything is about you. I was calling about me."

"Of course, you were," Kris said, and he couldn't keep himself from smiling. "So, what's up?"

"Trevor is an idiot," she said. "Bastard broke up with me again. Or maybe I broke up with him. Whatever. He's an asshole. You should come over and watch bad movies with me in my time of need."

"I have a headache," Kris said, pointlessly.

"Don't be a baby," Alisan said. "Do you need me to come pick you up? I hear ice cream is good for headaches."

Kris had never heard any such thing but the idea of going over to Alisan's was still... appealing. She talked a big game but her bark was a lot worse than her bite. "You don't need to pick me up. I can drive over."

"See you soon," she chirupped, hanging up.

When he got there, Alisan took one look at him, declared him too tense to help her, and ordered him to lie down on her bed. She straddled his waist and started rubbing at his shoulders, talking about the latest fight that she and her very on-and-off boyfriend had just had. Apparently, Trevor was a dick who deserved to have his car vandalized. And there was something in there about vowing eternal hatred. Kris made soothing noises and relaxed under her hands. The first time that Adam had introduced Alisan to Kris, he'd been sure that she hated him, but after a couple of more visits, he sorta realized that was just how she was, bristling and protective but still willing to let new people in.

"You should sleep here," Alisan said, plucking off Kris's glasses and setting them on the end table. "You know. If you need to get away for a while."

Kris looked blearily at her for a second and then let his head fall back onto the bed with a sigh. "Who told you?"

"No one," she said. "Okay, Cassidy."

"Who told Cassidy?"

"Probably Brad. Because I know that he's been talking to Danielle a lot and she was the person who talked to Cale," she said. "Well, that's what Cas said, at least."

"So... everyone knows?"

"Well," she said. After she didn't say anything else for a while, Kris glanced over at her again. She'd pulled her hair back into a big, fluffy ponytail earlier and she was playing with the end of it. "Do you think I should cut my hair?"

Kris blinked. "What? It's your hair."

"Trevor likes it long," she said. "So maybe I should get it cut."

"That makes no sense," Kris said. "Does everyone really know about..."

"You walking out on your wife? Yep," Alisan said. "But we're all waiting to see what happens next."

"And if I tried to point out that it really isn't anyone's business, y'all would ignore me, I'm guessing," Kris said, but he didn't move away from her, and he couldn't put any anger in his voice, just exhaustion. Alisan switched off the lamp and tucked herself up close to him.

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, let himself center on her breathing and drifted off into sleep. When he woke up in the morning, he was tangled around Alisan, her hair caught in his mouth and his hand underneath her shirt and one of her thighs pressed between his legs. He carefully pulled all his bits away from her bits and slid out of the bed, picking up his glasses and putting them back on. She mumbled a little but didn't wake up, flopping over onto her back and breathing loudly through her mouth.

He went out to her kitchen and looked for food. While he was making breakfast, he called his mom. She answered the phone three rings in. The conversation turned a little awkward when he realized that she definitely knew about the fight too, but she was pretty cool about it and didn't say 'I told you so' or ask him if he was going to church that morning or anything like that, so it was better than it could have been. Still, it made him wonder who else knew.

Not that he and Katy were- were over or anything. It was just a fight. Okay, maybe a bigger fight than a lot of their previous ones, but they'd had bad fights before. One really bad fight didn't mean a marriage was over. As long as they could both forgive and forget, everything would be fine again.

He was just about done with breakfast when Alisan wandered out and poured herself a glass of orange juice, yawning. He gestured at the pan and she gave him a thumb's up, so he served her half the eggs he'd made, putting the other half on a plate for himself. Alisan doctored her eggs up and then dug in and Kris said good-bye to his mom and settled at the table.

"So, what was the plan, exactly?" Kris asked. "I mean, did you guys draw straws or was your invitation an impulse?"

"I really did break up with Trevor and his douchtastic self," Alisan said. "So... the invitation was spontaneous. But we know that you're going through a tough time and I wanted to- you know, be here for you or whatever."

"It's not that big a deal," Kris said. "We're probably going to make up the next time we see each other."

"When exactly do you expect that to be?" Alisan asked, and Kris flushed a little and looked away from her sharp appraisal.

"You know. Whenever," he said, taking another bite of egg. "Maybe tonight, after rehearsal."

"Or you could come over and hang at Danielle's," Alisan said, twirling her fork around on a bare section of her plate. "I hear that she's gotten some early demos from Adam via email. Bet she'd be willing to share them with you."

"The stuff for his third album?" Kris asked.

"That's the buzz," she said. "I was thinking of going over there myself. One of them is something that Adam penned entirely on his own. So she said."

"He told me he was doing some solo writing," Kris said. "But he wouldn't share any of it with me. You think Danielle would really let me listen?"

"Yeah. Go there straight after rehearsal," Alisan said and there was- there was a promise in there that she was asking him to make.

"Right after rehearsal," he agreed, and he hadn't even realized that she'd been tense until she relaxed into her chair.

Rehearsal started off awkward - no Cale, plus the rest of the guys were almost tripping over themselves every time that Kris looked at them. But a couple of songs in, they relaxed and got into the music and it was good after that. Which was great because Kris really didn't want to have another conversation about... about all that stuff. Then rehearsal was wrapping up and Kris dialed up Danielle's number.

"Kris! It's good to hear from you," she said, her voice warm. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. I just- um, I got done with rehearsal and I was thinking- Alisan said that you had some demos from Adam and I was thinking of coming over and hanging out. Maybe getting to hear them?"

"I would love it if you came over - I was getting some pizza, you still like the same stuff?"

"Yeah," Kris said, and his heart was beating a little quicker after he'd said goodbye to her. He had- it felt like things were moving too fast, but he couldn't have put his finger on what, exactly, was too fast about anything. By the time he got to Danielle's, the pizza had already arrived, and after a hug 'hello', he helped himself to a slice. He grabbed a beer out of Danielle's fridge and sat down next to her on the couch.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, and she put her hand on his knee and stroked gently with her thumb. Kris sighed and leaned against her.

"Not really? Things are just kinda fucked up, that's all," he said. "I'd rather talk about what's going on with you. Are you still with that Jason guy?"

"Yes," she said, pressing her head against his. "Jason and I are still dating. We're doing just fine. My life is actually really great right now. Which means that I'm going to worry about my friends. You'll feel better if you talk, I promise."

The crazy thing was that she was probably right about that. Adam and his whole group of friends were big on talking things out and Adam was pretty successful at wrestling most things out of Kris, too. And it generally did make him feel better afterward. But that didn't make the actual talking any easier to get through.

"I just- why is everyone acting like I just got a divorce?" Kris asked. "It was a fight."

"How long has it been since you talked to her?" Danielle asked.

"Maybe it's been a couple of days," he said, vaguely. "We've gone a lot longer than that without talking. We just need to cool off and then we'll- she'll... we'll make up and things will be good again."

"Do you really believe that?" Danielle asked. "Because, if you do, you should have gone to talk to her tonight. You came here instead."

"That doesn't have to mean anything," Kris said. "You guys... everything means something with you. And sometimes a fight is just a fight. She just- she's my wife."

"Forsaking all others, huh?" He'd upset her. He could tell. But he didn't know how to fix that. He didn't know what she thought he should do or- or what good it would do in the long run.

"That's generally how it works," Kris said, ignoring the twisting in his chest. "I'm not- I'm not going to be the guy who turns into an ass and dumps his small-town girl because he hit the big time. I don't want to be that guy."

"Then you should go home to your wife and make things up with her," Danielle said, firmly but not unkindly. "Don't spend any more nights in hotel rooms or wherever you're hiding yourself. Talk to her and figure out what got so screwed up."

"I know-" Kris stopped himself, closed his eyes. "I know what the problem is. I just- I don't know how to- I can't even think about it. It's... it hurts. Please don't- don't tell Adam. I don't- please don't tell him."

"I won't," she said, and she was stroking through his hair, gentle. "But I don't think I should play you the songs that Adam sent me. He'll send them to you if he wants you to hear them."

"Why doesn't he want me to hear his new stuff?" Kris asked, plaintive. "He always let me listen before."

"He doesn't even think they'll make the album, sweetie," Danielle said. "Don't worry about it."

Kris played with the fringe on Danielle's shirt. "I need to forgive her," he said, voice low. "That's why I can't talk to her yet. I have to forgive her first."

He waited for Danielle to ask him what he needed for forgive Katy for, but she never did. She just held him close. Kris's phone buzzed eventually and he dug it out of his pocket. A text from Adam.

heading out now. might be storm delays. hope you're safe/happy in cali :)

Kris rubbed his thumb over the edge of his phone. rehearsals going well. Cale is in AR making up with gf. D kidnapped me.

The response was almost instantaneous - you're at danielles?

yeah. she bought pizza

she does that. i think its a compulsion.

tour good?

tour awesome. new version of horizon 2m, check it out on youtube

will do. have fun.

you too. play nice w/ danielle

Kris laughed and slipped his phone back into his pocket. He looked up and Danielle was staring at him, a smile kicking up the corners of her lips.

"I'm going to guess that was Adam," she said.

"Yeah, he was just- how'd you know?"

She reached out and touched his mouth. "That smile." Kris flinched away, just a little. She shrugged and let her hand drop.

"I- I'm not- Adam isn't-"

"I like you, Kris, but Adam is my best friend. Don't forget that."

"I know," Kris said quietly.

"Why don't we watch a movie or something?" Danielle snagged his hand and wrapped her fingers around his. "And you can crash on the couch tonight if you want."

"No sisterhood solidarity, huh?" Kris asked, though the question wasn't serious - neither Alisan or Danielle had taken to Katy. Still, he hadn't expected them to... well, whatever they were doing right now, which he could have told them was pointless. Adam didn't- he didn't, was all.

"Well, Alisan might be coming over later," Danielle said brightly. "Does that count?"

He must have made a face because Danielle kissed his cheek and then leaned her head against his. She had nice hair, thick and dark and it smelled really good, too. Kris pressed his lips together and- he turned his head and caught her mouth with his, sweet and gentle and there was nothing there and he kinda wanted to cry. She didn't even pull away, just stayed still and soft until he broke away from her, dropping his face into his hands.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "That was- that was completely wrong. I should- I shouldn't be here."

"It's okay, Kris," she said and she was stroking his back and he felt like he might throw up. "Nobody got hurt. You don't have to leave."

"Katy slept with someone else," he said. And he hadn't meant to- he hadn't wanted to tell anyone until he'd gotten it all worked out in his head. Danielle made a soft noise and wrapped herself around him. Kris's head was aching a little again. "Katy's been sleeping with someone else," he corrected himself. "For over a year." She hadn't meant to tell him, either. It had slipped out in the middle of their fight, after she'd told him that what he'd done was as good as cheating. "He's her fitness instructor. That's why she's been coming out to L.A. more. Because she wanted to spend time with him. It wasn't about trying to fix our marriage."

Danielle was stroking her fingers through his hair again, making these comforting little noises and he shouldn't let himself stay. Not here. Not with Adam's best friend.

But she was warm and cuddly and she wasn't mad at him, even though he deserved it. So, instead of getting up and leaving, Kris just tugged her a little closer and clung, letting himself be soothed.

"Everything is going to work out just the way it should," Danielle said. Kris shook his head a little, though he didn't contradict her out loud. Maybe things would work out, but it didn't feel that way right now. It just felt screwed all up to hell and back. "The universe knows what it's doing, even if we can't see the designs because we're too close."

"You and Adam are way too much alike," Kris said, but he rubbed her shoulder to let her know that he didn't mean it in a bad way. "I just- it's my fault, you know? And everyone acting like me walking out means I'm going to- I don't know."

"It hit a sore spot, huh?" Danielle asked. She pulled away a little and tilted his chin up with her thumb so that he was looking her in the eye. "And what do you mean... your fault? Where are you getting that from?"

"It's just true," Kris said. He could tell she wanted to argue about that, but he just wrapped his fingers around hers and pulled her hand down from his face. "It's not- I'm not ready to talk about it."

"Yet?" she asked. Kris shrugged.

"I don't know."

Alisan ended up not showing because, as she said in her text to Danielle, trevor still a douche but sex great. raincheck tomorrow?, so Kris and Danielle just kept things low-key and watched the new John Cusack movie that Danielle wanted to see. He didn't stay the night, though, and Danielle pouted at him for it but didn't try to argue him out of it.

He should go back to the apartment and talk things out with Katy.

Instead, he found himself back at Adam's, sifting through the dvds, hands trembling. Something in the middle of 2007, so it would be Adam and Brad and- he shouldn't be doing this. He was just making it worse for himself. This wouldn't make anything with Katy better - fuck, he was just setting himself up for misery down the road. But he wanted- he wanted to hear Adam's voice, the way he'd heard it yesterday.

The way that Brad made it sound.

And the clip that he watched lived up to his expectations in the worst - and best - ways. Brad stalked Adam across the bed and pounced on him, making him laugh. The kissing was slow and unhurried, like both of them knew that they'd get plenty more chances at it. It was- skin and heat and joy.

It was too much. Kris hit fast-forward, moved it along to the next clip and the one after that, finding something less- something less sweet.

Here, Brad was handcuffed to the bedpost, but Adam smiled and even though he touched Brad roughly, his affection was obvious.

Kris let it run for a minute, watching the play of light on Adam's skin as he moved. He wished that he hadn't told Danielle about Katy. He hadn't- it was Katy's business; Katy and his, not anyone else's.

"You bitch, don't tease me!" Brad ordered, voice high, near breaking. "For fuck's sake, Adam, suck my cock!"

Adam held down Brad's hip and licked at the very tip of his cock, only barely making contact. Brad was whining in the back of his throat, trying to twist his hips up but he didn't have a chance against Adam's strength. That was obvious. Kris wasn't- he didn't know if Adam could hold him down like that. No one had ever tried. He wanted-

And Adam didn't. Kris pressed pause on the remote, tossed it over to the other side of the couch.

"What was that for?" Adam had said as he'd pushed Kris away, the memory almost three years gone but as sharp and painful as if he'd said the words yesterday. "Your wife is in the room down the hall, buddy, not in here."

Kris's long months of trying to decide whether or not to risk himself with Adam, his choice to betray the wife he'd been married to for less than a year... all of it had been so easily punctured by Adam's soft, disbelieving laugh. The way Adam had treated him like a kid who didn't know the difference between admiring someone and being in love. The way Adam hadn't taken it seriously for even a second. Like Kris wasn't even...

Katy was right, though. Making that choice had been as good as cheating. He'd lusted in his heart.

He still did.

And Adam still just wanted to be his friend.

Kris stared at the frozen image of Adam on the screen. This is what Adam looks like when he's in love. Kris didn't know what Adam's friends were playing at, but it wasn't helping anything. It wasn't going to help anything. Kris knew better than anyone that Adam had meant it when he'd said that a crush was just a crush. Was... harmless and meaningless.

Unless someone was stupid enough to take it seriously.

He gave up on the tv for the moment and went to lie down, curling up on his side on top of the covers, not ready to go to bed but not really wanting to do anything else, either. He'd managed to completely avoid thinking about Katy's confession for the last couple of days, but now that he'd told someone else, it was hard for him to get it off his mind. It was his fault - for being too much of a coward to still be willing to be honest about himself after Adam had turned him down. Instead, he'd taken all that frustration and pain right back into his marriage, freezing out the person that he'd promised his whole self to, once upon a time.

Only a few years ago, but it felt like a lifetime.

His phone rang out in his hip pocket - Adam calling. Kris let out a quick breath, and took the phone into the bathroom, slumping down against the wall. He pressed the FaceTalk option, smiling instinctively as Adam's face took over his screen. "Hey there," Kris said.

Adam wasn't smiling, though. "Hey. Everything okay?"

It only took a second for Kris to realize what must have happened. "Who told?"

Adam hesitated but then caved. "Danielle just called. I'm guessing that you... aren't back at your apartment with Katy."

Kris shrugged. Adam was giving that concerned look of his. The one that meant he wouldn't be leaving the subject alone until Kris stopped being stubborn and just talked to him about it. "I didn't want you to worry," Kris said, honestly enough.

"Too late," Adam said. "I'm going to guess that your birthday with Katy didn't end with 'she tried to make steaks'. You want to talk about it?"

"Not like this," Kris said, and he knew that Adam would- Adam got that it was harder to talk about this stuff on the phone, even when Kris could see the other person. Adam bit at his lower lip, something nervous and thoughtful in his eyes. Kris wished that- "I miss you."

"Yeah," Adam agreed. "But I think that-" He paused for a second, corner of his mouth twisting down. "Danielle said- she wouldn't tell me any details, but she did say that you were-" Adam hesitated, tongue slipping out to wet his lower lip. "-that you maybe were a little hurt I hadn't sent my new demos to you."

"I'm not hurt," Kris said and, okay, yeah, he sounded a little defensive there. He wasn't hurt. He just didn't understand why Adam didn't want him to hear them. "I just- um, you know."

"I really don't," Adam said, but there was someone tapping him on the shoulder and he turned his head away for a minute. "I'll be right there."

"Look, you're busy," Kris said, when Adam turned back to the phone. "We'll talk about this when you get back, okay?"

"I have time now," Adam said, but Kris shook his head.

"We'll have time later. Go - go be a rock star."

"We will talk about this later," Adam promised, before saying good-bye.

Kris slipped his phone back into his pocket, teeth gnawing at his lip. Adam had meant it, he could tell. But Kris had- Kris had managed to keep secret all these years that he hadn't... that he still felt that sharp ache of want whenever he was around Adam. He'd buried it as deeply as he could, done his best to hide even the slightest hints of it, but he had the horrible feeling that if he talked to Adam about the problems he was having with Katy, all of it would come spilling out. How could he explain Katy's affair without talking about the years of bitterness that had been built up between them after he'd gone to her that night Adam had pushed him away? He'd been hard then, too, like he'd been tonight after Ronnie had touched him, and he could still remember the way Katy's nose had wrinkled up in disgust when she'd realized the truth.

She'd slapped him as hard as she could and he'd deserved it.

And after her initial burst of anger had faded, she'd listened to his apologies and she'd promised that they could work through it together. But she'd never- she never looked at him the same way after that. He'd betrayed her - been willing to betray her - and even when she told him that she was going to forgive him, she made it clear that she wouldn't forget. That neither of them could ever forget.

He made her promises, too. Never look at a man with lust again - which he'd royally screwed several times over this weekend - and pray with her that God would give him the strength to overcome his desire to philander. Every night for weeks, he'd called her when they weren't together, and they had prayed, and the humbling words had never gotten any easier to say. It had become less frequent after the Idol tour had ended - after his main temptation had been taken away - and she'd eventually stopped asking him to do it at all. He'd thought that maybe - maybe it had meant that she was starting to trust him again.

But she'd never trusted him. Never believed that he'd put away his hidden urges. All that work and she hadn't believed it for a moment. But she'd been right about that, too, hadn't she? Because the second that he'd truly had temptation in front of him again, his body had betrayed him. Years of prayer and he still wanted all the things he couldn't have. She'd been right about him all along.

He needed... he-

Kris pulled out his phone again and sent out a text.

awake?

Andrew's answer came only a few minutes later.

Sure, bro. What's up?

could you come over? Kris's hand wasn't entirely steady as he punched in the message.

Sure. You back at the apartment?

Kris hesitated for a second.

im at adams. u need directions?

I know where it is. Be there in a few.

It took Andrew about forty-five minutes to get out to Adam's place. By that time, Kris had raided Adam's liquor cabinet, making notes about what he was going to need to replace before Adam came back. Andrew looked like he'd dressed in a hurry, and his hair was sticking up a little on one side.

"Were you about to go to bed?" Kris asked, feeling slightly guilty.

Andrew shrugged his shoulders easily. "I can sleep anywhere." And that was true enough, Kris knew from the last couple of years touring together. "What's the plan, boss?"

"We're going to get drunk," Kris said. "And then we're going to talk about guys."

Andrew was pretty fun to drink with - Kris knew about that, but they'd pretty much always been with the rest of the band before, so this was the first time with just the two of them. It was nice. Andrew was cuddly enough when he was tipsy, and willing to let Kris curl against his side and then pet at Kris's hair. And he was quiet, content to listen to Kris ramble and then offer a soft sentence or two. They were about two bottles into the night when Kris was finally brave enough to start talking about the reason that he'd brought Andrew over in the first place.

"How did you know?" he asked. Andrew's forehead wrinkled a little bit and Kris clarified. "How did you know I liked guys?"

"I have eyes," Andrew said, brushing Kris's hair back. "You check guys out, Kris. You've checked me out."

"Oh," Kris said, thinking back, trying to remember that. Andrew was- he was a friend. And maybe Kris... sure, Kris knew he was the sort of guy that lots of women found attractive, but he didn't- he hadn't thought of him beyond that. Not for more than a second or two at a time, at least. But if it was long enough that Andrew had noticed, it must be long enough to count. Long enough that Katy must have noticed, though she'd never said. "I'm sorry."

"Don't have to apologize," Andrew said. "You're cute. If I didn't already have Maggie, I'd totally be up for it."

"I am sorry," Kris said, insistent. "I promised Katy that I wouldn't- that I wouldn't have lustful thoughts. I didn't mean to break my promise."

"How were- how are you supposed to keep a promise like that?" Andrew asked. "Dude, if my girlfriend tried to make me promise not to look at anybody else ever, I'd have to tell her that... I love her, but that's crazy."

"Even a thought is a betrayal," Kris said, and he sighed a little at the look on Andrew's face. "I know, it sounds hard, but it's- I owed it to her to try. I did try but I- I could never try hard enough. She tried so hard to fix me and it didn't work."

"There's nothing wrong with you," Andrew said, gently.

"I was going to cheat on her," Kris confessed, his tongue clumsy in his mouth. "I almost- it was only because- because the other person said no. That's the only reason I didn't. I promised forever and threw it away. I treated her like trash. I deserved- she had every right to want faithfulness. It's fair. She- she had the right to ask me to only ever think about her." He flushed a little, the shame creeping in as he thought about how he'd been jerking off this weekend without giving her a second thought - deliberately without thinking about her, as if that was a kind of rebellion that she would ever know about.

"It's not a promise you could ever keep," Andrew said. "It's not even... it's not even a choice; it's a reaction. What you do, yeah, that's something she can get pissed about. But thought policing is screwed up shit, bro."

"She just wants to be able to trust me again," Kris said. Then he sighed. "But that didn't work. She never... it didn't work. And I'm still-"

"Yeah?"

"I'm still in love with Adam," Kris said, mouth twisting. "Which is stupid." He looked over at Andrew and poked him in the shoulder. "Why don't you look more surprised?"

Because Andrew looked a little startled but no more than if Kris had said he wanted to break up rehearsal early or something. He should look... 'Kris declaring he hated the Beatles' level of surprised. Or something like that. Not just... mildly taken off his guard.

"You are weird about him," Andrew said. "I mean, let's face it - whose house are we in right now?"

"Don't see what that's got to do with anything," Kris grumbled.

"You walk out on your wife and go hide at Adam's? When he isn't even there?" Okay, and when Andrew put it that way, Kris could possibly see his point. Still. Years of work. Completely down the toilet. It should warrant more than light surprise. One shocked gasp, even, would have made Kris feel better.

"I'm going to bed," Kris said. Announced, really. He got to his feet, only a little unsteady. "You can... whatever."

Andrew's lips were pursed together as he stared up at Kris thoughtfully.

"You want me to crash with you?" Andrew asked.

"Yeah, okay," Kris said.

He'd woken up with Andrew a few times over the years, though generally the rest of the guys had been around, too. It was nice, though, warm and solid. Kris yawned, tapped at Andrew's arm until he shifted over on his back, and then wiggled out from under him on the bed. They hadn't really had much to drink last night, just enough to take the edges off Kris's shame, and that meant that Kris wasn't feeling anything this morning except a serious case of cotton-mouth, which was taken care of easily enough.

He and Katy hadn't ever told anyone else about their arrangement before, had kept it between them and God. Now that he had mentioned it to someone, it was strange how clearly he could see that they'd been setting themselves up for a losing battle. So much of his concentration when he'd been hard and taking care of himself had been about what he wasn't allowed to think about, and coming hadn't ever been as relaxing and enjoyable as it'd been before he'd screwed up. Of course, the restrictions hadn't been about making orgasms good or easy. They'd been about punishment. It's not like he hadn't known that going into it. If anything, Katy's anger and her demands had been a relief at first, that she wasn't going to let him off the hook.

That, despite his betrayal, she still cared enough to be angry.

It was one of the things that he always remembered most about the night that Adam had pushed him away - Adam hadn't been mad or upset. He'd just laughed and said that he'd take it as a compliment that Kris had been temporarily overwhelmed by Adam's attractions. He'd kissed Kris on the forehead, like he was a kid, and then told him to go back to his wife.

Even thinking about it was enough to bring back the twist of humiliation that had settled in his belly like a stone.

Kris made breakfast in Adam's kitchen, enough for two, split it in half and ate his while waiting for Andrew to wake up.

"Morning," he said when Andrew appeared, yawning and sleepy-eyed. He watched as Andrew ate, then collected all the dishes and washed them, handing them over to Andrew for drying.

"I'm glad you called me," Andrew said, sitting back down at the table with his second cup of coffee. "Maybe it was only because Cale's out of town but... I appreciate it."

"I couldn't talk to Cale about this stuff," Kris said, turning around one of the chairs and sitting in it backwards, folding his arms over the back of the chair and resting his chin on top. "He's- he's a great guy, but he's..."

"Dude, Cale knows," Andrew said. Kris shook his head a little, not sure where Andrew was going. "He pitched in some money for Ronnie, too."

"He did?" Kris asked, and he tried to fit that into who Cale was. Who he'd thought Cale was. "Oh, wow. I thought he- I guess I figured that he wouldn't... we go to the same church. They're not really a fan of that stuff."

"I think he's a bigger fan of you than he is of rules," Andrew said, with a shrug. "You haven't seen the way he talks about you when you aren't around - well, obviously. As far as Cale is concerned, you hung the moon, dude. You could totally get blowjobs out of that if you wanted, even if he is straight."

"I don't think Cale would blow me," Kris said.

"Oh, yeah, he would," Andrew said. "You can trust me on that. Why, you thinking of asking him?"

"No!" Kris said, back stiffening. "I'm not. Sheesh, I tell you all that about trying not to even think about cheating-"

"Something's changed, though," Andrew said. "Whatever had you walking out on Katy. So, you know, figured the rules might have changed, too."

"I don't know," Kris said. He wasn't sure how to manage in a world where Katy had done exactly what she'd been despising him for doing. He really did need to talk to her, even though it was pretty much the last thing that he wanted to do. "I- I don't want us to be late for rehearsal. We should get out of here."

Since he still hadn't heard back from Cale, he sent off a quick text asking how things had gone, and then he and Andrew went back to the studio. They finished up around eleven that night, and Kris was finally ready to face Katy. Probably. He drove over to their place, at least, and stared at the door for about ten minutes before he got out of the car. He rapped on the door before unlocking it, and there she was, sitting on the couch with the TV on. She didn't look thrilled and, when he opened up his mouth to talk, she pointed at the TV and said that her show only had fifteen minutes left and she'd appreciate getting to watch it. He went over to the kitchen and grabbed a half-empty bag of pretzels, waited for Katy's show to finish up. When the TV got turned off, he went back into the living room. Katy had pulled her feet up onto the couch, wrapping her arms around her legs, and her hair was in pigtails. It was a familiar sight, and it made his heart ache a little.

He didn't sit next to her on the couch, instead grabbing one of the hard-backed wooden chairs.

"Hey," he said, softly.

"Hey."

"I wasn't sure if- if your friend would be here," he said. She shook her head.

"I've never brought him here," she said. "We always went to his place. This is... this is our place."

"It'll be your place soon, if you want," he said, and her sharp intake of breath made him want to take it back again.

"I want you," she said - her eyes were shining with unshed tears and it shouldn't- it shouldn't be so easy for her to make him feel like the bad guy. "That's why... I think we should move back to Arkansas, Kristopher, I really do. Away from all this... all these temptations. They're too much. I get that now. I don't blame you anymore. It's too much. It's too hard to resist. We should go back home. Just you and me. That'll make it better."

"You thought all those rules would make things better, too," Kris said, quietly. "But they didn't. I didn't- I'm still fucked up, Katy."

"You still think about him?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said. "So, I- I don't think it'll work. Even if we move away and never come back... you'll still think of that guy who gave you what I couldn't. It doesn't go away just because you hide from it."

"I don't love him," she said, looking away from him, down at her bare toes. "I love you. I've only ever loved you."

Kris got up from the chair and knelt down in front of her, taking her hands in his. "I don't make you happy." He pressed a kiss against her fingers. "Maybe you love me, baby, but I don't make you happy."

"I don't need to be happy if I have you." Then she laughed. "That sounds stupid. I mean it, though. I would choose you over anyone else."

"You are one of the smartest people that I know," Kris said. "And you will always be the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world. You deserve better than a guy that's in love with someone else."

"You're not," she said, her voice breaking. "It was just sex. You just wanted to sleep with him. Like I said... I get it now. I know how it feels. But it's not the same as love."

"We should get divorced in California," Kris said, squeezing her hands gently. "No-fault. It'll take a few months, but... easier than back in Arkansas."

"I don't want a divorce. I don't want us to be a stupid statistic," she said. "I want to fix things."

"We tried. We can't," he said. He let go of her hands, started to get up again. She stood up with him, and her hand was on his cheek and she was kissing him, soft and familiar.

"One more night?" she asked, her hands already at the buttons of his shirt. "Just- for goodbye, at least?"

He gathered her hands up in his and gently pulled them away. "I don't think it would be a good idea."

She didn't stop him as he went through the apartment and grabbed some essentials - comfy clothes, his laptop and all his chargers, his bathroom stuff. He stuffed it all in a bag and dropped it off by the door before going back to her. She hadn't moved except to wrap her arms around herself.

He kissed her forehead, and she leaned into him. He could feel her trembling but he knew that she'd wait until he was gone to cry. She never liked looking weak.

"I'll come see you again in a few days, after I've had a chance to talk to a lawyer," he said, and she nodded, biting her lip.

He didn't go back to Adam's, getting a hotel room instead. He left a message on Lizzie's voicemail about needing to get a lawyer - he wasn't really looking forward to that conversation, either.

The next day, he went over to Adam's and cleaned up, leaving it the way that he'd found it as best he could. But when he got to the point of putting away the dvds, he hesitated. How likely was it that Adam rewatched his own porn, anyway? And judging by the lack of editing, it was possible that Adam hadn't ever watched them. Kris grabbed three cases, not looking to see which ones they were, and tossed them in his bag, putting the other ones back on the shelf. He'd bring them back soon. He just- he'd bring them back soon enough.

On his way to the studio, he gave Cale a call, finally reaching him. Everything had gone fine in Arkansas - "better than fine! She wants to get married!" and Kris offered his congratulations, asked when Cale would be able to get back to L.A. - "Two days? Yeah, I can be back on Thursday," and Kris agreed that was fine and that was all that really needed to be said.

Half-way through rehearsal, Lizzie called him back, and he spent about an hour being yelled at. Then she gave him the name and number of the lawyer she wanted him to use and warned him not to be either stingy or too generous in the settlement - "That'll just bite you in the ass down the road."

After over two years of being frozen in place, it was all happening so fast now and yet- when he looked at the end of this road, at himself and Katy both alone and lonely, part of him wanted to call it off. Even if he'd always love Adam, maybe if Katy was willing to accept that, things would still work out. Maybe they could- but he'd been trying that for years, to only make Katy matter and ignore what was in his heart. It hadn't worked. It wouldn't work now. If Adam's rejection and the years of friendship without hope for more hadn't killed the ache in him, Kris didn't think anything would.

When rehearsal ended, Kris went back to his hotel room, and he fumbled open his bag and looked at the dvds that he'd grabbed. Two from 2008, which would be Brad and Adam, but he also had the 2009 one. He hadn't thought that Brad and Adam had still been together by then, but maybe he'd been wrong. Or maybe... maybe this one was more like the very early ones, with someone where it was more sex than love. That might be easier to watch.

He popped that one into the hotel dvd player and settled himself on the bed with the remote, wiggling out of his jeans and shorts before he pressed play.

Adam was sitting on the bed, blindfolded. Kris breathed in sharply - Adam was naked, cock heavy but soft between his legs, and he was breathing calming, almost like he was mediating.

"Can I look yet?" Adam asked.

"Not yet!" came back the answer - Brad's voice. So, they had still been together. Or maybe they'd hooked up a couple of times after their break-up. It could be that.

Adam waited, and Kris could see candles set up on the table behind the bed. "I don't know why I let you talk me into these things," Adam said, fondly, though more with the exasperated affection Kris was used to hearing from Adam on the topic of Brad than with the vibrant need he'd heard in the earlier videos.

"You'll thank me when it's over," Brad said, finally coming on camera. He was wearing clothes and, for Brad, he was dressed down a bit. His jeans were a little too big for him and that black-and-white plaid shirt had to be Adam's, the way that it swam on him. "Okay, you can look. Tell me how fantastically perfect I am!"

Adam reached up and took off the blindfold. He looked at Brad and chuckled. "Not even close."

"You're an actor," Brad said, peevishly. "Play pretend."

"There's no way you can pull this off. And a plain shirt your size would be more accurate than you in my clothes."

Brad pouted, flopping next to Adam on the bed. "I'll take my clothes off, then! Would that make his royal highness happier?"

"Seriously, he's not... he's not what you think," Adam said, leaning back on the bed. He didn't seem at all uncomfortable with being naked while Brad was dressed. "He's not... a hayseed in a plaid shirt. He's a lot more complicated than that. I told you - he's a really great guy. That's why this stupid crush needs to go away. So that I can just be friends with him. But not- not like this."

"Oh, fine," Brad said, and he reached over and stroked Adam's cock, with a sly smile. "But if you do feel the urge to yell out Allen's name while you fuck me, I promise not to get offended. Scout's honor."

Kris shut off the television, trembling.

Adam had lied.

Why had Adam lied?

Did it even matter anymore? Maybe Adam had gotten over it during - that must have been the break between Hollywood week and the rest of the show. Maybe Adam had gotten over everything then and by the time Kris had finally tried to kiss him, half a year later, he hadn't felt anything and it hadn't been a lie at all. But it had been serious enough at the beginning that Adam had worried it would get in the way of their friendship. That had to- it had to mean something.

Didn't it?

Maybe not, but Kris was feeling something uncurl in his belly that he hadn't felt in years.

Hope.

He pulled his clothes back on, and then he called Danielle.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Katy and I are getting a divorce," he said, bluntly. "I have to ask- does that change your mind about whether or not I can listen to Adam's demos?"

"You can come right over," she said, after a second of silence. "I'll have it ready."

His hands were shaking, he noticed as he grabbed his keys. But his guess had been right. He'd been right about why Danielle had been holding back before - after he'd told her that he and Katy would make up, that he wouldn't leave her, it had changed her mind about letting him listen. There was something in the demos that Alisan and Danielle thought would matter if he and Katy had broken up.

Danielle's hair was a loose dark cloud around her shoulders and she was dressed for bed, but she let him in and led him straight to her computer, where a set of headphones rested on the desk. She smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek, and then left the room. Kris sat down and put on the headphones. There was a quicktime file open, named "Adam solo demo" and Kris hit play.

There was barely any instrumentation, just a guitar and a basic drum beat, with the focus on Adam's voice and on the lyrics. On- on a want that curled into Kris's bones and made him shiver. Adam was aching and pure and the song was slow and mournful. About a never-was.

When it had ended, Kris just sat there for a moment. If Adam had- if Adam...

He took the headphones off and laid them back down.

Kris knew what he wanted the song to mean, what he wanted Alisan and Danielle's pushing to mean - they wanted what was best for Adam and if they knew, if Adam had told them...

"You need to tell Adam about the divorce," Danielle said, softly. She was behind him, her hands coming down to rest on his shoulders. "He- he'd want to know."

"Why didn't he tell me?" Kris asked. "I- all these years, all he had to do was tell me."

"He spent months telling himself that he couldn't have you because you were straight," she said, playing with his hair. "The idea that he could was a little overwhelming, I think. And- you didn't want to be that guy who made it big and dumped his small-town girl? He didn't want to be the guy that broke up a marriage. As long as he thought you and Katy were happy or at least were working on happy, he never would have made a move."

"I would have left her for him," Kris said, voice scraped raw. And it made him think of Katy, the way she'd yelled at him on his birthday, driven not just to cheat on him, but to throw it in his face because... because instead of ending his marriage cleanly, he'd only drawn out the pain over the last three years. He'd done his best to keep his promise to only think of her, but touching her had always made him think of Adam. Satisfying her had become an exercise in futility, his nerves taut whenever their arguments tip-toed in the direction of Adam - a direction Katy had never been afraid to go, always her favorite trump card whenever Kris had stepped out of line.

Danielle hugged him and stroked his hair, and Kris let himself be comforted.

"Do you want me to go talk to her?" she said.

"I think she might slam the door in your face," Kris said dryly. Then he shook his head. "She has some friends here. She's not alone."

"But will she tell anyone the truth?" Danielle asked. "She might not be ready to confess that her marriage is over, you know? And I'm actually okay being yelled at a little, as long as there's a chance she'll listen, afterwards."

"If you want to talk to Katy, I won't try to stop you," Kris said. "Just... don't expect miracles."

"Don't worry," Danielle said. "Did you want to stay the night again?"

"I've got a hotel room," Kris said. "I'm meeting with a lawyer on Friday. And- and..."

"And four days from now, Adam's coming home," Danielle said.

A week ago, the thought had just been comforting and safe. Adam would be back in the States and he and Kris would get the chance to hang out for a day before Kris had to leave for Florida with the band. Now, though, Adam coming home was... complicated. He wanted- he wanted to tell Adam everything, wanted to believe that this time it would be different, but he kept remembering Adam's laugh and the way he'd told Kris to go be with his wife. If Adam did that again... he didn't know. And if Adam didn't - fuck, he still didn't know what he'd do. When he'd been in the first flush of love, it had been easy to convince himself that Adam would enjoy teaching him the ropes. Now, though, he found himself wanting to do a little research before he talked to Adam again.

"I want to tell him in person about the divorce," Kris said. "I need- I need to tell him face-to-face."

Danielle nodded. "I won't tell anyone. Not Brad or even my mom. Promise."

"Thank you," Kris said.

After a night filled with half-remembered dreams, the next day was pretty uneventful - he went to rehearsal, he horsed around with the guys a little, then he went back to the hotel. He pulled out his laptop and started looking up searches related to 'gay sex'. There was a lot out there and not all of it would be useful. Time to narrow it down a little.

So, 'gay sex' just brought up porn sites. Kris bookmarked a couple of them and then tried adding 'information' on the end of his search. That mostly brought him to 'coming out' information which... probably would be useful but wasn't quite what he was looking for.

Okay, maybe he needed to broaden it. 'Anal sex', not just 'gay'.

And... porn sites again.

Kris sighed and gave up on it for the moment.

On Thursday, one week after Kris's birthday, Cale came back from Arkansas, glowing with happiness.

That night after rehearsal, Kris looked up some of that Kradam fanfiction stuff, but he couldn't read it. It was all... there was... and he was pretty sure that he didn't even bend that way. He didn't think anyone did, except maybe some well-trained contortionists.

Adam texted him, something about cranberry juice that probably made sense in his own mind but made no sense to Kris, and Kris texted him back, and neither of them mentioned Katy or the conversation that Kris had promised Adam they would have once he got back to town.

Rehearsal went well the next day and Kris's appointment with his new lawyer went fine, too. It was hard to concentrate, though, knowing that Adam would be flying in tomorrow night, though Kris wouldn't get the chance to see Adam until Sunday, between the lateness of the flight and the jet lag Adam was sure to have. It was even harder to concentrate when he remembered that he still had some of Adam's porn stashed in his hotel room.

After his meeting, Kris went back over to Adam's, dvds in hand, and went to put them away. He hesitated, though, at the last second. He hadn't managed to get much research done and, well, it was Adam specifically that he wanted to know about anyway. Maybe he'd been ignoring the best source of real research that he could have found.

Only one more day and maybe he would need to try to convince Adam with something other than words.

So, instead of going back to the hotel room, Kris picked out one of the dvds - something from the middle of 2007 - and put it into the dvd player. He got a damp washcloth and some hand cream from the bathroom, still not quite willing to break into Adam's sex supplies, and turned on the TV. This time, he tried his best to keep still and just watch - look at what Brad did, where he touched, which places drew the best reaction from Adam. But it wasn't easy, to do nothing while Adam moaned and tumbled Brad over and kissed him. Kris popped open the button on his jeans, got his hand slippery, stroked at his dick. Adam played with Brad, holding him down and licking at - Kris couldn't imagine ever doing that or how it would...

His fingers went lower, fumbling past his balls and touching his asshole. He'd never- never let himself get this far, even before Adam had turned him down. He couldn't understand how it could feel good but it obviously- it did, all he had to do was listen to how Brad was practically wailing because Adam was licking him there. He brushed his fingers over the hole, twitching a little at how it felt, slimy and strange. He dipped his finger in and he could feel the muscle trying to keep him out and it was- he wrinkled his nose, pushing a little deeper, angling his hips up, his eyes fluttering shut.

He could feel the scrape of his own ragged fingernail against his inner skin. It- he didn't like it. Maybe that was why Adam got manicures. Brad let out a particularly high-pitched yelp and Kris opened his eyes again to see what Adam was doing to him.

Kris's breath caught.

Brad went on moaning like a cat in heat and Adam, real Adam, was standing right there next to the television. Kris jerked his hand away from himself with a shudder and he could practically feel his dick deflating from the shock. Kris tried to find the remote, to turn off the damn clip, but he'd dropped it on the floor at some point, so he had to reach down to get it and then turn everything off.

Adam hadn't moved. He looked... well, he looked tired as fuck, a feeling that Kris knew well from getting back from overseas, and also more than a little confused. Adam was still holding his bag over his shoulder, so he'd come straight to the entertainment room when he'd arrived - probably drawn by the sounds of the television that shouldn't have been on. And Kris had a horrible, panicked moment of wondering if, oh God, if any of Adam's crew had come back to his place with him. That happened sometimes. But he didn't see anyone else.

Even the thought of it flushed his cheeks with a damning, shaming heat.

"You're- you're back early," Kris said. "I thought you- there was a press conference?"

"Moved up to yesterday," Adam said, taking a step into the room. "So I got an early flight."

Kris nodded. "That's nice," he said, somewhat inanely. "Wow. You must be tired."

Adam cocked his head, lips pressed together thoughtfully. Kris shifted on the couch and he could- he reached down to button up his pants but then froze when Adam said, "Stop."

He heard the thump of Adam's bag hitting the floor and the click-click of Adam's boots coming closer. Then, Jesus, Adam was kneeling down on the floor in front of the couch.

"All you have to do is tell me 'no'," Adam said, which didn't- that didn't make any sense. Adam's hands were on his knees, pushing them out, spreading him. Kris shivered, eyes falling shut again, and he opened his legs as much as he could with the jeans still on. "Let me see," Adam said, and he was gently tugging Kris's hands away from where they'd been covering his cock. "Commando, huh?"

Kris swallowed, but couldn't get enough water in his mouth to talk, to explain that he'd forgotten to grab any underwear when he'd left his apartment the other day.

"Do you want me to turn the soundtrack back on?" Adam asked and it took Kris a second to realize that he meant the sex tape. Kris shook his head, breath coming quick. He was already more than half-hard.

Adam had placed Kris's hands down on the couch and Kris had the impression that he wasn't supposed to move them. He wasn't sure that he could. And then there was a brush of fingers against Kris's cock and he tried not to squirm. There was something- almost dreamlike about this moment, something foggy and secret, and Kris didn't want to be the one to make it go away. Adam's hand was on his dick more firmly now and Kris opened his eyes just a little, just enough to catch a glimpse of Adam, leaning over Kris's lap and stroking him. Adam's head lowered and Kris hissed with surprise as the head of his cock was enveloped in the wet heat of Adam's mouth. It had been- it had been years since anyone-

Adam's tongue was flicking out to lick and tease, even as Adam sucked him in. It wasn't- Adam had only just started and Kris was about to-

"Adam." And his voice came out in a husky whisper he hadn't expected. "I'm going to- Adam. I'm- I-"

His hips tried to buck against Adam's hands - and Adam could hold him down - and he was falling apart already, a whimper on his lips as he spent into Adam's mouth.

Adam licked him clean and Kris shivered.

He reached out to touch Adam's hair, soft from being on an airplane half the day. Adam laid his head down on Kris's thigh and he was reaching forward and slipping his fingers down where Kris had been touching himself earlier. He was slick, still, from his own exploration, and Adam took advantage of that, his finger sliding a little bit deeper than Kris had dared. Kris pet at Adam's hair and tried not to let his hand shake. Adam's finger was softer than Kris's had been - those manicures... not playing guitar probably helped, too - and his nail was smooth. Kris could feel the edge of it, but it didn't jab at his skin like his own had. So gentle and slow, retreating easily whenever Kris's body protested. It was... Kris tried to sprawl out more on the couch, but his jeans got in the way. Adam pulled out and Kris murmured in discontent, but Adam was tugging at Kris's pants, releasing him, pushing Kris's thighs farther apart.

Then Adam pushed his finger back inside and it was easier now, with Kris spread open.

In and further in still, and then Kris could feel the soft pressure of a second finger against him. He bit down on his lip, his eyes shutting again, his fingers tightening in Adam's hair for a second before he was able to start stroking again.

Adam slowed down even more, so that Kris should barely notice the rub and slide of his fingers. But Kris did notice; he could feel everything about Adam's fingers, the nails and the bend of knuckle, and it was so shockingly vivid, so overwhelming. Adam's fingers moved in him and they were the only thing in the world, the only thing that Kris could feel. Then Adam touched something inside him and Kris jerked, and it was like Adam was jacking him off, it was that kind of good, but Adam wasn't touching Kris's cock, and Adam's fingers brushed back over that spot again - and Kris knew what it was, but he couldn't think of the word - and Kris squirmed toward Adam, chasing the feeling.

Then Adam pulled his fingers out, lined them back up again, and Kris stilled when he felt the touch of a third finger penetrating inward. It was drier, rougher when Adam stroked inside him, but still so good, maybe even better. Adam knew right where that spot was now, and seemed to delight in teasing Kris by pressing there and then retreating again. Adam flexed his fingers, tried to spread them apart, stretching Kris tight and open, making him gasp. Kris felt like he was on the edge of something, like he might crack apart if he so much as breathed the wrong way. Adam's head moved out from under his fingers and Kris's hand fell down to his own thigh. He could feel the warm air from Adam's mouth over his balls and they were tight, too, and his cock was hard again and he hadn't even noticed, so caught up in what Adam was doing inside him.

When he came this time, it was different than normal - deeper, echoing through what felt like every nerve in his body. He felt so relaxed and loose, afterwards, like every tense part of himself had been shaken free. He twitched as Adam eased his fingers back out and then dared to open his eyes again. Adam was caressing Kris's thighs, carefully avoiding his dick, where he was still so sensitive.

"So," Adam said, voice rougher than normal. "You wanna talk about why you were fingering yourself open on my couch?"

"I was... doing research," Kris said. It was hard for him to feel the panic and the nerves that had been consuming him earlier, not when he was so sated and Adam was touching him so tenderly. "Trying to figure out why people liked that."

"And did you figure it out?" Adam asked, and there was a sparkle in his eyes. Kris just smiled lazily. Adam had to be hard, too - at least, Kris hoped he was - but he seemed as calm as ever. Then again, it was Adam and it wasn't like Kris hadn't seen him finish a performance with a hard-on that would make a porn star go pale.

"I don't know," Kris said. "Might need more experimenting done later." Kris reached out and traced his fingers over Adam's mouth. "Can I help you out?"

Adam pulled himself up onto the couch, straddling Kris's legs. He was heavy, but it was kinda nice. Reassuring. And Kris could see Adam's cock now, stiff and outlined in his tight pants. That was reassuring, too. He brushed his knuckles against it, and he could swear that he felt it pulse as he touched it. He smiled up at Adam, letting his hand rest on that bulge. The GlamBulge, that was what some of Adam's fans called it. Kris grinned, amused and delighted with the world. Adam touched his chin and leaned forward and his mouth-

Kris flinched a little when Adam's mouth touched his, half-expecting Adam to pull away with that horrible, dismissive laugh. But Adam pressed in, tongue coming out to play and Kris sighed into his mouth, letting Adam do whatever he wanted. Kris had to use both hands to open Adam's pants, but he did manage it, finally, and Adam was bare underneath, too. Using his fingers, he took the measure of Adam's cock and if he didn't already know - hadn't already seen tiny Brad put that thing in his mouth and in his ass - he'd have to wonder how it would ever fit. Adam's hips rolled against him and Kris tried to match that rhythm when he touched Adam.

Adam's kisses were distracting, the way he tilted Kris's head however he liked, but Kris didn't let himself ever stop touching. Adam's hands were softer than Kris's - so was the skin of his dick. Did he moisturize that, too? He would have to ask Adam, later. Adam's hips snapped faster and faster, and Kris tried to keep pace. When Adam came, the fluid sprayed out, thick and hot, covering Kris's hands. Adam's kisses went from frantic to slow and lingering, until finally he pulled away. He reached down and tugged Kris's hand up, licking a stripe up the palm, cleaning it, making Kris ache all over again. Then he leaned forward for another long kiss, and Kris could taste something new there, salty and sharp. Adam. The taste of it made him giddy, reckless.

"You're in love with me," Kris said, and Adam's face tightened a little and Kris knew it was true and he nearly stumbled over his next words, needing to get them out. "Adam, I- I saw a lawyer today." Adam tilted his head slightly, features relaxing again. "A divorce lawyer. I'm getting a divorce. I, uh, wasn't expecting to tell you this way."

"You were fingering yourself on my couch," Adam said. "While watching me have sex. There's only so much a man can take without cracking."

"I'm glad you cracked," Kris said. "I- I was a little nervous about telling you because-"

"Because last time, I pushed you away," Adam said. And he shifted off Kris's lap - which was good, because Kris's legs had started to ache a bit - and then hauled Kris into his lap. Kris cuddled in and kissed the curve of Adam's jaw, considered the angle and found the whole thing pretty comfortable. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I didn't- I couldn't-"

"Yeah, Danielle said that you didn't... didn't want to be a homewrecker," Kris said.

"Dani's been talking a lot," Adam said, but he was sliding his hand up Kris's back, rucking up his shirt, and he didn't sound upset. "She say anything else I should know about?"

"She played me your demo - the one you wrote by yourself," Kris said. "It's gorgeous, Adam. Heartbreaking. I love it but- Jeez, I hate I made you feel that way."

"That's how I felt the first time I heard 'I Need to Know'," Adam said. "But I thought it was already too late by then. You'd already pulled away from me."

Kris nodded. "I went to Katy, like you said, and I told her what I'd done. She made me promise to... to work to overcome my sinful nature. I was trying- trying to be better for her."

"I could tell that you were trying," Adam said, softly. "I didn't want to get in the way of that."

"I was the one that got in the way of it," Kris said. He kissed the corner of Adam's mouth, licked at his lips until Adam let him in. They kissed for a few minutes, sloppy, sweet kisses that didn't have any destination. Finally, Kris broke the kiss, teeth tugging gently on Adam's lip as he pulled away. "I'm real glad you came home early."

"Yeah," Adam said. "I'd have hated for you to have pined away another day for me."

"I wasn't the one pining," Kris said, laughing. "You were pining. In that stupid self-controlled way."

"Don't lie, you're completely in love with me," Adam said.

"Maybe a little," Kris said with a sly grin, watching Adam from under his eyelashes. "On your good days."

"By the time I'm done with you, you're going to be screaming out that you love me," Adam said. He glanced back at the TV. "On camera."

"I dare you," Kris said, arching an eyebrow. He let out a shout of surprise as Adam stood up, still holding him.

He wrapped his arms around Adam's neck and let himself be carried off.


Seven months later...


"But will it taste good?" Brad asked dubiously, and Kris didn't need to look to know that his hands were on his hips. Kris did his best not to get too distracted, making himself finish up the swirls and patterns before answering.

"Have you ever made a cake?" Kris asked, setting the pastry tip back down on the table and then backing up to get a look at the whole effect.

"Well, no," Brad said. "It does look nice."

It did. Kris had been worried that he'd been setting himself up for failure by trying to make a tiered cake for Adam's birthday, but it had turned out well - the Eye of Horus designs that he'd just put on did look like he'd managed the right shape, and the blue and silver icing shone brightly under the lights. The single candle at the top was about ready to be lit.

"How long did that take you, anyway?" Brad asked, helping Kris gather up the icing tools and take them back to the kitchen. "I mean, you already had the separate parts all built up and everything."

"I started a couple of weeks ago," Kris said. "There's a lot you can prepare ahead of time."

"If Adam doesn't appreciate it, I'll slap him for you," Brad said. "What time is everyone else supposed to get here, anyway?"

"Two hours until the guests get here," Kris said. "I wanted to give myself plenty of time."

"Well, now that it's done, you can head out and collect Adam. Give him a little extra birthday present before you get here," Brad said, elbowing Kris suggestively. "I printed out the list of the invitees, so I'm prepared and ready to be the watchdog."

"Thanks, I really do appreciate it," Kris said. "Leila should get here before everyone else, so she can help you out if you need it." Brad started to bristle up and Kris rolled his eyes. "Just in case."

As expected, Adam was in his private rehearsal room at home, but when he saw Kris sneak in, he broke things up early and told the band to head home.

"I was going to wait and watch," Kris said, but he didn't protest when Adam pulled him into a kiss, though his cheeks heated up a bit when Tommy let out a low whistle before leaving. "Are you having a good birthday?"

"Better now," Adam said, entwining his fingers with Kris's. "Do you know what today is? Besides being the most blessed day of my birth, praise the universe."

"You've been reading your fan site again," Kris said. Adam stared at him expectantly, so Kris gave in and asked. "What's today?"

"It's our seven-month anniversary," Adam said.

"That doesn't even exist," Kris said.

"You said that about our one-month anniversary, too. And our five-month anniversary," Adam said. "I believe that I convinced you otherwise on all counts."

"I think you just like celebrating anniversaries," Kris said, lifting up their hands and giving Adam a kiss on the knuckles. "That's what I think."

"Wanna go celebrate this one?" Adam asked, giving Kris a familiar up-and-down that still sent shivers through him.

Kris tugged Adam in for another kiss and shut the door, twisting the lock into place. "Who says we have to go anywhere to celebrate?" Kris teased, sliding his hands up Adam's shirt. He let out a moan as Adam pressed him against the door.

They were a few hours late to Adam's surprise party.

It was worth it.

~the end~

---

Original story prompt from risti:

"When Kris and Katy have a huge fight/split up, Kris ends up going to stay at Adam's place - even though Adam is away on tour. While there, he stumbles upon Adam's porn collection, which leads to some self-exploration... After finding he likes it, he digs further and ends up finding Adam's old home-made sex tapes with Brad.

He likes those as well.

He feels kind of bad about watching, but then he finds one that's been set aside from the rest - a special place - where Brad and Adam look a little older, and Brad is completely stripped of all make-up, etc. Then one of them says something in the video that makes Kris realize that in this video, they're role-playing that Brad is Kris.

And of course, there is Kradam sex at the end. (including Brad in the conclusion is optional)

BONUS POINTS IF:
* Kris also comes across Adam's drawer of sex toys, and plays around with those as well.
* The boys continue to text/call/twitter/etc. during all of this - without Kris ever telling Adam about the fight/split with Katy, or that he's at Adam's house.
* Adam comes home a little early and finds Kris in a... compromising position."

My story doesn't follow the prompt exactly, but it was definitely very inspired by it.

Comments

[jerakeen]

Dude. Your Kris is so fucked up. I want to make him soup, and pet him, and tell him he can have lustful thoughts about anyone. Poor baby.

[butterfly]

Aw, thank you so much. Yes, Kris needs soup and hugs and lustful thoughts (probably not about the soup, though).

[dine]

oh man - this is so good, in so many ways, but I can't believe how you faked me out. I was so convinced Kris would be caught with the porn while he was staying at Adam's, but when it didn't happen I was totally blindsided at the end when Adam came home early.

I really liked your handling of Kris' struggles to shut off that part of himself and be faithful; it felt very real.

[butterfly]

Thank you!

I'm glad that I caught you off-guard with Adam's appearance.

I really liked your handling of Kris' struggles to shut off that part of himself and be faithful; it felt very real.

Thank you. It's pretty tragic how often things like that happen in the real world, people pushing away parts of themselves because it doesn't fit into the mold of who they're supposed to be - they often damage themselves a lot by doing that.

[pomegranate02]

This is fabulous. I love your Kris, he just seems so real. And I love the way Adam's friends have become his and how he trusts them. I've already read it twice & will definitely be reading again... <3

[butterfly]

Thank you so much!

And I love the way Adam's friends have become his and how he trusts them.

Yeah, there's definitely a bond that's been developed there. I really enjoyed writing those scenes.

[llaras]

*flail*

This was so goooooood. I could not look away! And then when Adam was there, even though I had guessed it would happen, I still gasped out loud and freaked a little. Hee.

Great story!

[katekat]

this was an absolutely lovely read. I particularly liked the way you had Kris working through his own issues - as much as I love a happy ending (and this was perfect) I liked the ride getting there the most, with him having to confront his own emotions and desires in ways he didn't want to.

[cdvla313]

I finally got a chance to read this all done and I love it even more now. As katekat up there said, the ride getting to the end is my favorite part. His internal struggle was sad but done really well. ♥

[sand_dais]

I really loved reading this whole story. It was funny but also sad how everyone around Kris knew he liked guys and didn't even realize that Kris was trying to hide and repress that part of him. You made it really believable how Kris went from that to accepting himself and that fact that he loved Adam completely and refusing to hide behind Katy. Thanks for posting this.