this is so strange, i don't know you but reading this.... thank you for being so open. i don't think anyone really understands if they haven't been there. endurance beyond hope makes it sound so noble and heroic, but is it really? just plodding on in the dark because suicide is not an option? because this is what my life is. i know about this urge, and i hope this doesn't sound stupid or insensitive or callous, but really i've tried it and it's helped me in the few times that i have had the urge... have you tried sublimating it to cutting your hair? it also has a symbolic meaning: my mother says if you dream of cutting your hair it means your troubles will all fall away. ok, i'll shut up now.